According to Nobel Prize-winning scientist Daniel Kahneman, we experience approximately 20,000 moments each day. In honor of #RandomActsOfKindnessDay choose to make the most of each one by seizing the many opportunities to be kind, make an effort, connect, and give back.
Pay a coworker an honest compliment.
2. Strike up a conversation with someone you see everyday but don’t know very well – a doorman, the postman, a neighbor, the barista.
3. Buy a coffee for the person in line behind you at the coffee shop.
4. Send flowers for no reason.
5. Offer to run an errand for a friend.
6. Hold the elevator.
7. Give your cab away.
8. Leave an extra big tip.
9. Hold the door.
10. Leave change in the vending machine.
11. Text a friend to tell them how and why you admire them.
12. Tell a stranger that you love what they’re wearing.
13. Make a playlist on Spotify for a friend who’s going through it.
14. Pick up some litter.
15. Write something nice on that person’s updates who posts on Facebook constantly. They’re probably lonely.
16. Put sticky notes with positive slogans on the mirrors in restrooms.
17. Bring your partner coffee in bed tomorrow.
18. Do a chore for someone without them knowing.
19. Leave happy notes around town.
20. Let someone go ahead of you inline.
21. Leave heads up pennies on the sidewalk.
22. Smile at everyone.
23. Email or write an old teacher who made a difference in your life.
24. Smile at someone on the street, just because.
25. Give up your seat to someone (anyone!) on the bus or subway.
Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does. -William Jam
“What do you want to be when you grow up?” is a question we ask children all the time. It asks them to think beyond the here and now and to imagine themselves in the future. However, imagining oneself 20 years from now is not something we as adults routinely do. According to research, perhaps it should be. Catching a glimpse of your future self may be an effective motivation strategy to changing behavior in positive ways.
Participants in a studywere shown digitally altered images of themselves made to look their grandparents age—about 70 years old – while a control group was shown a current image of themselves. Each group was then presented with questions about finances and retirement. Those who had been presented with the image of their older self—wrinkles, jowls and receding hairlines and all—were willing to put twice as much money into long term savings accounts than those presented with a current image of themselves.
In a related study, participants were asked to connect to their future self in a different way: by taking five minutes to write a short letter to the person they will be 20 years from now. Instructions included: “Write about the person you are now, which topics are important and dear to you, and how you see your life.” A control group was given the same instructions except the recipient would be them only three months down the road. Each group was then presented with various hypothetical scenarios designed to assess ethical decision-making. For example, would you buy a computer that “fell off a truck?” The group that had written letters to their distant future selves were less likely to engage in deceitful or delinquent behavior.
These studies have practical implications for the real world. By connecting people to the person they will be at age 70 in a concrete way, it is more likely they will make better decisions in the here and now. Some suggest putting visual renderings of a person’s aged face on credit cards and at cash machines to encourage smart spending. Binge eating, substance abuse and other impulse behaviors could also be affected by considering one’s future self. Even crime researchers recognize it is a tool to encourage first offenders to think about consequences of their actions and to deter crime in general.
Behavior today impacts the person you will become in the future. You Only Live Once, or YOLO, may be the current cultural refrain, but long-term thinking is essential for the well-being of individuals and society.
Next time you are about to do something impulsive stop and ask, “What would your future self think?” Another option is to download AgingBooth, an app that digitally ages photos of users. The photos are simultaneously hilarious and terrifying. I promise you one thing: seeing the wrinkles that await you will make you reconsider the rare social cigarette.
Remember the good old days when you and your partner were madly in love? If those days are a distant memory and you feel like you’ve lost that loving feeling, science proves you can rekindle the romance. A growing body of researchreveals a number of strategies to revitalize your love life.
Dial it up
While many think of love as an on/off switch, it is more useful to think about it as a volume setting that can be dialed up, according to a recent scientific paper titled Regulation of Romantic Love Feelings. In the study, people in a long-term relationship who were asked to look at a photograph of their partner and think positive thoughts about them (i.e.“He is so funny” or “We get along so well”) were able to upregulate their feelings of love and attachment as measured by brain scans and subjective reports. Focusing on your partner’s positive qualities for a few minutes each day will reconnect you with the feelings that brought you together in the first place.
Focus on more good versus less bad
Do you strive to avoid conflict or to deepen and strengthen your relationship? Couples who focus on cultivating more positive experiences and intimacy are happier than those who focus their energy on minimizing negativity. A study tracking sexual desire in long-term partners reveals how powerful this effect can be. Participants who said they had sex to prevent their partner from losing interest or to avoid a disagreement reported less passion than those who said they had sex with their partner as an expression of love. Put simply, instead of dwelling on what’s wrong, focus your efforts on what you can do to build a stronger connection.
Aim for the little things
What can you do to reignite your partner’s passion for you? While I’m sure your partner would appreciate an expensive gift or a romantic getaway, research suggests a simple strategy that is certainly less expensive. Just be nice, or as psychologists would say, be responsive. It’s so obvious and yet so easily forgotten when there are kids to feed, bills to pay and laundry to do. Making your partner feel specialand consistently showing them that you care is essential for intimacy and fuels desire. Pick up a copy of your partner’s favorite magazine at the store, say thank you when they hold the door, bring them coffee in bed, send a flirty text. When you are together, be sure to pay more attention to your partner than to your phone. The little everyday gestures of love are emotional Viagra. As the old saying goes, if you act like you did at the beginning of the relationship, there won’t be an end.
Realize that not all intimacy is created equal
Having a strong emotional connection does not mean you need to do everything together. Privacy, boundaries and a little bit of mystery go a long way. Leaving the bathroom door open and clipping your toenails in front your partner will not fan the fires of desire. Contrary to what many believe, spending all your time together may not be the best idea. While it is important to share the same values, having different interests and hobbies is healthy for any relationship. Respecting the other person’s interests and encouraging them to pursue whatever it is they enjoy doing is what psychologists refer to as “autonomy support”. In other words, if your significant other loves to go camping but it’s not for you, suggest they go on a camping trip with their buddies. If your partner is training to run the marathon and you prefer Pilates, help them find a running partner. Just be there at the finish line. Attraction grows when you see your partner in a new light and doing something they are passionate about. As Proust said:
Mystery is not about traveling to new places but about looking with new eyes.
You can do whatever you set your mind to accomplish.
WHAT’S ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND?
So my nightstand is the bane of my existence, I have an intense love-hate relationship with it! I need so many things, but my OCD-self hates seeing them. Right now I have a portable speaker so I can blast music the minute I wake up, a very old photo of my mom and I, a La Mer lip balm, my Moleskin, the book The Underground Railroad, and a glass of water.
WHAT GIVES YOU GOOSE BUMPS?
Performing, finding a really good melody for a song, acknowledging God’s blessings in my life, and seeing someone genuinely happy.
WHAT IS YOUR BAD DAY BACKUP PLAN?
A bath, a book, a walk. Sometimes I go on a run. Or I’ll just be in my room listening to Joni Mitchell. Meditation is also really helpful to me, when I can do it and when I’m disciplined about doing it, I do find it helps spike my energy! I also like to immerse myself in a couple episodes of Sherlock.
WHAT ARE YOU GRATEFUL FOR?
Absolutely everything—big and small. My mom, good health, my career, the opportunities God has given me, my country Indonesia, music, the Internet, love, friends, good education, strong powerful women who are so inspiring and debunking the, not only hilarious caricature, but also unfortunate and prevailing depiction about women that we can only be either/or that I think are one-dimensional, nice people, and the little things in life, like chocolate.
HOW DO YOU DEFINE SUCCESS?
To me, success is living a life you truly want and deserve, not just one you settle for. It’s having that peace of mind—a result in knowing you’ve done your best to become the best you are capable of becoming. Most importantly, I think success is being able to do whatever it is you’re passionate about and lifting the lives of other people in the process.
BEST ADVICE YOU’VE EVER RECEIVED?
My mom has taught me so much, both as a personal mentor and a professional one. She taught me to be bold in my vision; to swing for the fences. She taught me that passion isn’t enough—there has to be follow through. Hard work is something that there’s no substitute for. You can have a bold vision, but if you don’t have the perseverance, tenacity, and work ethic in the face of challenges, you’re never going to be able to execute upon that vision. She’s also taught me about passion—it’s that sort of great equalizer—that you can never truly achieve greatness if you don’t believe deeply in what it is that you’re doing. That’s probably the most consistent piece of advice she’s given me my whole life.
BEST ADVICE YOU’VE EVER GIVEN?
Be fully present. I recently read a Harvard study which revealed that wandering minds are directly related to unhappiness, and that the keys to happiness lie in mastering the mind, not in changing external factors.
WHAT ARE YOU WORKING ON NOW THAT YOU ARE EXCITED ABOUT?
I’m currently dubbing and singing as Disney’s newest princess, Elena of Avalor! Also working on my debut album, which is incredibly exciting. I’ve also just graduated from university in International Business Management (with honors, yay!) and just very recently established my own company in digital marketing called Whizzup, so I’m trying to learn as much as I can. It’s a chaotic and interesting time in my life—the figuring things out part—but I try to distill it down and prioritize to be where I’m needed at that point in time.
HOW DO YOU PRESS PAUSE?
I take a nap, listen to audio books, sing, or eat my weight in ice cream. I love cookie dough! Cookie dough ice cream is excellent. Cookie dough is great.
WHAT DID YOUR 8-YEAR-OLD SELF LOVE DOING?
Staging a performance at home and forcing anyone available to be my audience. Or watching Disney movies.
IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE MAGIC POWER WHAT WOULD IT BE?
To not over analyze. It seems humdrum, but being a vehement perfectionist, it’s something that I struggle with. I’m very meticulous about precision and detail—it would be nice to not overthink all the time.
WHAT MAKES YOU FORGET TO EAT?
Nothing. My brain just stops functioning when I’m hungry. It’s not even about the meal sometimes, I think even more delectable than a delicious meal is the experience.
WHAT 3 THINGS WOULD YOU GRAB IN A FIRE?
I’d say my phone, but I know that’s a run-of-the-mill answer so I’ll leave that to fight against the stereotype. My mother is excluded, because it goes without saying that I would save her first. So probably my wallet, the thesis I wrote, and a book of my original songs.
WHAT IS THE HARDEST THING YOU’VE EVER DONE – YOUR GREATEST CHALLENGE?
I tend to micromanage things, so every time I let go of something that in my mind still needs to be tweaked, it’s going outside my comfort zone. I think I’m getting better at this, but it’s still so hard sometimes!
FAVORITE WORD?
Music! Because duh.
FAVORITE WORK OF ART?
I should probably name a painting, but I’m going to say Hamilton instead. I just got back from New York City and finally had the chance to watch it—I had extremely high expectations and they were all surpassed. The rarity of combining hip-hop and R&B I think has truly redefined what a musical can look and sound like. It’s genuinely the best piece of art I’ve seen in my life. I’m obsessed in every sense of the word!
FAVORITE BOOK?
I have so many, but The Road to Character by David Brooks is definitely up there. It’s thought-provoking and reminds me of what’s important. To be completely honest, it’s not hard for me to love a book (plus I always do a little research before I decide what to read) so the next one I’m reading will probably be my next favorite book!
In France, a guy stood on the street on three different occasions asking women for their phone numbers. One time, he held no bag; the next, a gym bag; and finally a guitar case. Guess which time he got the most phone numbers…Holding the guitar case.
Surprising? Nah. As much as we may want to deny it, most of us recognize something of ourselves in the throng of hyperventilating tweens waiting for a glimpse of Zayn’s newest hair direction or to hear Ed Sheeren’s awkward-sincere croon, because most of us have been there. We’ve hoped to get backstage or better yet pulled up on stage; we’ve camped out in line for tickets or covered our walls in posters and magazine covers; we’ve liked a thousand IG pictures.
The musician-as-heartthrob isn’t a phenomenon reserved for 20th and 21th-Century rock stars and their groupies. The appeal of music and those who make it is ancient. Charles Darwin wrote about the role of music in human mating patterns, relating it to bird-song. Other research through the years has also explored the relationship between music and mating. For example, women are thought to be more sensitive to music during ovulation, a man’s musical ability may have something to do with his testosterone levels and potential virility, his work ethic, and even his viability for financial success, and couples who play music in the house on a regular basis have more sex.
What’s appealing about musicians is a combination of factors: music resonates with our emotional and psychological lives (remember where you were when you first hear U2’s “Joshua Tree” or Jay-Z’s “New York”?) the perceived persona of a musician (confident, emotive, sensitive artist, sometimes a ‘bad boy’), and of course fantasy (larger than life love stories played across the airwaves, love immortalized, romanticism). The empirical evidence for the French musician soliciting phone numbers may not be earth shattering, but it is a snapshot lesson in the mystery and power of music. At the very least, it helps justify my long-term obsession with Duran Duran. And also Beethoven.
