What is the best way to support a friend in need? According to research, this may be the wrong question. Simply showing up and expressing warmth and love is what matters most. The study, Too Reluctant to Reach Out: Receiving Social Support Is More Positive Than Expressers Expect published in Psychological Science found that all too often we hesitate to express support because we worry too much about saying or doing the “right thing” and question our competence to provide what the person needs.

According to the study, there is a gap between how expressers and recipients perceive the very same supportive act. Expressers tend to focus on how effectively they are supporting another person whereas recipients tend to focus on the warmth and kindness that they receive. As a result of the mismatch, we systematically miss opportunities to help others more in daily life:

“Each day offers opportunities to reach out and show some form of support, however large or small, to a person in need. Our experiments suggest that undervaluing the positive impact of expressing support could create a psychological barrier to expressing it more often. Withholding support because of misguided fears of saying or doing the wrong thing could leave both recipients and expressers less happy than they could be,” explained the researchers.

When in doubt, send that text, make that phone call and show up. It means more than you realize.

Fans of The West Wing may remember the iconic scene when Leo McGarry tells his friend, Josh Lyman, the story about the man in the hole. Josh is having a hard time and Leo shares these words of wisdom:

“This guy’s walking down the street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep he cant get out.

A doctor passes by and the guy shouts up, ‘Hey you. Can you help me out?’ The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on.

Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up, ‘Father, I’m down in this hole, can you help me out?’ The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on.

Then a friend walks by, ‘Hey, Joe, it’s me can you help me out?’ And the friend jumps into the hole. Our guy says, ‘Are you stupid? Now we’re both down here.’ The friend says, ‘Yeah, but I’ve been down here before and I know the way out.'”

Simply being there for someone is an act of grace. As Cecilia Irene reflected on her blog, “Leo’s quotation is the definition of love and friendship. Prayer is infinitely valuable. Medicine is good. But sometimes what you really need is for someone to meet you where you are and try to help you climb out of the pit.”

The Man in the Hole story reminds me of a beautiful letter poet Robert Lowell wrote to his fellow poet John Berryman who was going through a rough patch:

“I have been thinking much about you all summer, and how we have gone through the same troubles, visiting the bottom of the world. I have wanted to stretch out a hand, and tell you that I have been there too, and how it all lightens and life swims back … “

Don’t let agonizing over finding the right words or doing the right thing keep you from expressing warmth and love. Reach out to others in need more often and remind them that life swims back.

Take a moment and think about your right big toe.

Focus on it. Straighten it. Wiggle it.

Now ask: how does it feel? Snug in your sock? Slightly pinched in your shoe?

You likely hadn’t noticed it up until this moment unless of course you have gout or recently stubbed it. But now that you’re paying attention, your right big toe is taking up prime real estate in your mind and is impossible to ignore.

Attention is a spotlight

What seems like a psychological trick is actually a demonstration of how attention works. Our brains are amazing filtering machines, adept at cancelling out huge amounts of stimuli that would otherwise be too much to handle at once. It’s only when we shine a spotlight on something (in this case the big toe) that it enters awareness. And what we focus on determines what we experience. The more we concentrate on something, the larger it looms.

A study conducted at Stanford University’s School of Medicine asked participants to hold a thermal wand that gradually increased in heat to cause mild discomfort. The result? Those who distracted themselves, by thinking about someone they loved or played word games, reported significantly less pain than those who fixated on how their hand felt.

The same is true for our emotions. If you don’t focus on your anger, it’s hard to stay angry. If you don’t fixate on what’s bothering you, it’s hard to stay bothered. As William James famously wrote, “my experience is what I agree to attend to.”

There is nothing wrong with feeling your feelings. What I am concerned about is fixating on them. When we pay attention to difficult feelings, they usually grow rather than diminish. It’s like fertilizing a weed. And yet, this is exactly what we have been told to do if we want to improve our mental health. When you think about it, that’s exactly what some forms of therapy do.

A study conducted at Stanford University’s School of Medicine asked participants to hold a thermal wand that gradually increased in heat to cause mild discomfort. The result? Those who distracted themselves, by thinking about someone they loved or played word games, reported significantly less pain than those who fixated on how their hand felt.

The same is true for our emotions. If you don’t focus on your anger, it’s hard to stay angry. If you don’t fixate on what’s bothering you, it’s hard to stay bothered. As William James famously wrote, “my experience is what I agree to attend to.”

There is nothing wrong with feeling your feelings. What I am concerned about is fixating on them. When we pay attention to difficult feelings, they usually grow rather than diminish. It’s like fertilizing a weed. And yet, this is exactly what we have been told to do if we want to improve our mental health. When you think about it, that’s exactly what some forms of therapy do.

What mentally strong people do differently

In my experience, mentally strong people do not spend countless hours exploring and understanding themselves. They are not trying to “find” themselves. Alas, nobody I know has ever actually found themselves and in my humble opinion … that’s a good thing. It means we are all evolving.

Talking about what’s bothering you may be helpful at times but not if it allows you to back away from reality or to avoid taking action. As therapist David K. Reynolds said, “continued complaining only makes us skillful complainers.” The truth is you don’t need to understand your feelings to get on with your life.

I have found that the most well-adjusted people do two things:

1. They accept—instead of dwelling on—their feelings.

They recognize that feelings go away unless we feed them. They don’t deny or hide from their pain, they just don’t allow it to dictate their lives.

2. They do things.

Their behavior is purposeful and deliberate. They recognize that they cannot control what’s going on in their head but they can control what actions they take. They are responsible for their behaviors regardless of how they feel.

Feelings don’t excuse behavior

All too often we use our feelings as an excuse.

• “I can’t ask for what I want because I’m anxious.”
• “I raised my voice because I was angry.”
• “I didn’t listen because I was distracted.”

The word “because” is not a defense, nor is it an explanation. Plain and simple: It’s a rationalization. Not asking for what one wants, raising one’s voice, and not listening are all choices. We have become emotional gluttons, overly relying on our emotions to guide us. There is nothing wrong with feeling your feelings, just don’t give them the microphone.

Bottom Line:

Don’t endure unpleasant circumstances that can be changed by action. Feelings are for feeling. Not for explaining, for justifying, or for acting out.

“I feel so scattered,” explained Ava. Like many people I know, my patient Ava was having a hard time focusing. “I open my phone to check the weather but then a notification pops up about some infuriating political news so I check X, and then open Instagram, and then I get a message from my mom but before I reply, my friend sends me a link to a celebrity scandal, and I quickly check the status of my Amazon order. By the time I finally put my phone down and try to get back to work, I realize I never got around to checking the weather. My attention is all over the place.”

What Ava is describing is “popcorn brain,” a term coined by David Levy, a researcher at the University of Washington, to describe a shortened attention span and the experience of overstimulation. Like popping corn kernels in a pot, attention jumps from one thought to the next. Popcorn brain is characterized by diminished focus, heightened stress, fatigue, information overload, attentional deficit issues, increased anxiety, and an overall detrimental impact on relationships and quality of life. Sound familiar?

The cognitive disarray caused by popcorn brain is exhausting and makes it hard to get anything done. Thankfully a study published in PNAS Nexus offers a simple solution: spend less time online. Researchers found that people who blocked internet access on their cellphones for just two weeks reported significant improvements in mood and ability to focus. Ninety one percent of people who tried the two-week detox said they felt meaningfully better. The study only restricted internet access on their phones, so participants were still able to text and make calls. If they wanted to read the news, online shop or check social media, they could from an iPad or laptop. In other words, they were not totally cut off from the internet, it just wasn’t in the palm of their hand. Constant connection has its costs.

We all know that eating well, getting enough sleep, and exercise is good for our health. A Cambridge University study published in the British Journal of Psychiatry highlights an arguably more fun way to give ourselves a boost: going out on the town. While I am not suggesting you become a club rat, there is evidence that a night out may be just what the doctor ordered.

Researchers examined data collected from 2000 British adults over age 50 over a 10 year period. After analyzing data on their health and lifestyle, a clear pattern emerged. When people go out to enjoy a movie, show, or museum on a regular basis, their chance of becoming depressed plummets. Just one outing every few months was enough to cut their risk of depression by 32 percent. Those who went out once a month or more cut their risk of depression by nearly half. Given how down people are these days, that’s saying something. While it is unclear what exactly it is about cultural engagement that protects against depression, it is likely a combination of factors including social interaction, mental creativity, cognitive stimulation, and the gentle physical activity of just getting there.

I recently attended a concert in NYC and truth be told, it was terrible. It was a band I had loved from the 90s but 30 years later they were a little tragic. That said, there was something fun about the experience. I looked forward to going beforehand, I loved being with my friends at the event, and we laughed later about how awful it was. The social component looms large. I cannot help but think that social connection is what makes cultural engagement so protective against depression.

Dr. Gregg Henriques of James Madison University has argued that depression is a state of behavioral shutdown. When a person is feeling low, their knee jerk response is often avoidance and withdrawal. This unlocks a downward spiral of critical thoughts and an inner battle leaving the person even more stressed, isolated, and depleted. The only way to counteract Shutdown Syndrome, Henriques argues, is to harness what he calls the “paradox of effort.” Put simply, override the impulse to avoid and withdraw and instead deliberately participate in activities that move you toward your values, that boost positive emotions, and that enhance connection.

Avoidance may feel like the most natural response in the world, especially when it’s 12 degrees outside and everything seems upside down but withdrawing will never pull you out of the cave. If anything, it will make it colder and darker. Think of cultural engagement as a way out of the cave and as an antidote to Shutdown Syndrome.

Override the temptation to retreat. Ignore the allure of another night at home in front of the television. Make plans with a friend to do something and stick to them. We are often told that what we feel shapes what we do. But it goes both ways. What we do also shapes how we feel. Choose activities that engage you and connect you to others.

A dose of awe

Last week I went to see Caspar David Friedrich: The Soul of Nature at the Metropolitan Museum. It took my breath away. His vision of landscape is at once meditative, mysterious, and full of wonder.

Here is his iconic painting Wanderer above the Sea of Fog. The title captures the mood of how pretty much everyone I know feels at this moment.

About this work, Friedrich wrote, “It reminds me how small I am, but also how miraculous this life is.”

“I don’t jump to conclusions. I leap to them,” explained my patient Ava. In many ways, Ava believed that being a pessimist served her well. She carried an umbrella on sunny days. She traveled with an extra phone in case hers was damaged or lost. She expected her favorite basketball team to always lose.

Anticipating a negative outcome protected her from disappointment or being caught off guard. Her pessimism was both personal and global. The universe didn’t have her back, nor did anyone else. “If you expect people to let you down, you won’t be upset when they do.” When things worked out, she was shocked. It was an exception to the rule. When things went badly, she felt a sense of relief. She admitted she relished “I told you so” moments. There was something satisfying about being right about everything going wrong.

But Ava’s pessimism also locked her into a doom loop of worst case scenarios that was impacting her work and private life. She recognized that catastrophizing was preventing her from coping more productively in everyday life but said she was allergic to all the “think positive” messaging. “Looking at the bright side hurts my eyes,” she declared.

I explained that the idea is not to replace negative thoughts with positive ones, but to be more realistic. The goal is accuracy, not toxic positivity. As Scott Peck once observed, “Mental Health is dedication to reality at all costs.”

Given that it feels like the world is slowly devolving into one big dumpster fire, being a pessimist might seem like the only option. War, the environment, and the imminent takeover of our lives by AI are among the many reasons to have a doomsday disposition but new research published in Frontiers in Psychology suggests a more effective way to respond when everything feels upside down.

Dr. Xiangyou “Sharon” Shen of Oregon State University and her colleagues studied the experience of over 500 adults during the COVID pandemic and found that those who were clear-eyed about the challenges they faced but who also deliberately generated positive experiences coped more actively and creatively. Those who focused on positive future possibilities while remaining realistic about current circumstances found creative substitutes for what was lost, viewed obstacles as opportunities for growth, and maintained a sense of control over their situation. Dr. Xiangyou calls this “lemonading.” Lemonading doesn’t mean you don’t take your situation seriously, but it can mean you cope with it better.

Here are three taglines you can use to build real time resilience and to help you get better at turning lemons into lemonade.

Whenever you have a counterproductive or pessimistic thought:

Consider an alternative explanation

The phrase A more accurate way of seeing this is… will help keep things in perspective.

For instance, if you’re thinking “I am so nervous. This presentation is going to be a total disaster” you can respond with, “A more accurate way of seeing this is I’ll probably sound a little nervous at the beginning but then I’ll relax and it will all be fine.”

Gather evidence that challenges an overly negative interpretation of a situation

Using the phrase That’s not true because… will help combat negativity bias and the default tendency to assume the worst.

If your thought is “my kids are so ungrateful” you can respond with “That’s not true because my son told me yesterday how much I helped him study for his test.”

Consider implications

The phrase A more likely outcome is… and I can… to deal with it will help you keep things real and also remind you that you have agency.

So if your negative thought is “I’m going to get fired and will never find another job I like” replace it with “A more likely outcome is my boss will be annoyed I didn’t get the job done on time and I can apologize and ask for help with projects I’m juggling.”

Bottom Line

Direct your spotlight toward possibilities for positive change and growth, illuminating a potential path forward even during dark times. Groundless pessimism will lock you into a doom loop of despair whereas evidence based optimism will ground you in reality.