Sarah sits across from me, visibly frustrated. “I’ve been setting boundaries with my mom like everyone says I should,” she explains, “but now she won’t talk to me at all. My old therapist said it was progress but I feel worse than ever.”

This scene plays out daily in therapy offices across the country. What started as legitimate psychological concepts—boundaries, trauma, narcissism, gaslighting—have been simplified, sanitized, and scattered across social media until they’ve lost much of their original meaning. The result? A generation fluent in therapy-speak but struggling with the messy reality of human relationships.

The Boundary Industrial Complex

Perhaps no concept has been more weaponized than “setting boundaries.” Instagram therapists present it as a panacea: feeling overwhelmed? Set boundaries. Family drama? Set boundaries. Difficult boss? You know the drill.

But here’s what the memes and armchair experts don’t tell you: boundaries aren’t always the answer.

Take Michael, a 28-year-old who lives with his parents while saving for a house. “I keep reading that I need to set boundaries around their questions about my dating life,” he tells me. “But I live in their house, eat their food, and they’re genuinely worried about me being lonely. Maybe the boundary I need isn’t with them, but with my own discomfort about being single.”

Research in relationship science shows that healthy relationships require both autonomy and connection. When we overemphasize boundaries at the expense of interdependence, we risk creating what psychologist Eli Finkel calls “suffocation model” relationships—connections so focused on individual needs that they can’t sustain the give-and-take that makes relationships meaningful.

The Trauma Trap

The overuse of trauma language presents another challenge. Clinical trauma—the kind that rewires your nervous system and fragments memory—is a specific psychological phenomenon. But in popular usage, “trauma” has expanded to include any negative or uncomfortable experience.

Lisa, a college student, came to therapy convinced she was “traumatized” by her parents’ divorce when she was 16. “Everyone on TikTok says divorce is childhood trauma,” she explained. While divorce is undeniably difficult for children, not every difficult experience creates lasting psychological injury. By labeling all challenges as traumatic, we lose sight of the learning and growth that often accompany them.

This isn’t to minimize real trauma or suggest that stressful experiences don’t matter. Rather, it’s to recognize that overusing clinical language can paradoxically make us less equipped to handle life’s inevitable difficulties.

The Narcissist Next Door

“My sister is such a narcissist,” David tells me, describing his sibling’s tendency to dominate family conversations. When we dig deeper, it becomes clear that his sister isn’t pathologically self-absorbed—she’s anxious and uses talking as a way to manage her discomfort in social situations. The narcissist label allows David to disregard her rather than address the underlying family dynamics or have a direct conversation.

Research by psychologist Keith Campbell shows that true narcissism involves a specific pattern of grandiosity, entitlement, and lack of empathy that goes far beyond everyday selfishness or insensitivity. When we label normal human flaws as personality disorders, we shut down the possibility of understanding, empathy, and change.

The Gaslighting Epidemic

Perhaps no term has been more diluted than “gaslighting.” Originally describing a specific pattern of psychological manipulation designed to make someone question their reality, it’s now applied to any disagreement or different perspective.

“My husband is gaslighting me,” Amanda reports, explaining that he disagrees with her assessment of their teenage son’s behavior. But disagreement isn’t gaslighting. Having a different perspective isn’t manipulation. When we pathologize normal conflict, we lose the skills needed to navigate disagreement constructively.

Real gaslighting is insidious and harmful, involving deliberate attempts to undermine someone’s perception of reality. Casual disagreement, even heated disagreement, is just part of being human.

Why We’re Drawn to Therapy-Speak

The appeal of psychological language is understandable. It offers the illusion of clarity in complex situations and provides a sense of control over chaotic emotions. There’s comfort in having a label for difficult experiences, and therapy language has given many people permission to prioritize their mental health in ways previous generations couldn’t.

But like any powerful tool, psychological concepts can be misused. When we apply clinical frameworks to everyday challenges, we risk what psychologist Nick Haslam calls “concept creep”—the gradual expansion of psychological terms beyond their original meaning until they lose their utility.

A Better Way Forward

The goal isn’t to abandon psychological insights—they’ve revolutionized our understanding of human behavior and helped millions of people. Instead, we need more nuanced applications of these concepts.

Rather than automatically “setting boundaries,” consider whether the situation calls for boundaries, communication, compromise, acceptance or all the above.

Instead of labeling difficult people with personality disorders, try understanding their behavior in context.

Before declaring something traumatic, ask whether reframing the experience as challenging but manageable might be more empowering.

This doesn’t mean returning to the “just get over it” mentality of previous generations. Think of it like the difference between having a box of eight crayons versus a set of 64 colors. Both can create a picture, but one allows for far more nuance and accuracy. When we rely solely on broad therapeutic labels, we’re working with the eight-crayon box—everything gets colored with “trauma,” “boundaries,” or “toxic.” When you upgrade to the full palette, you can make fine distinctions between different emotional states and respond with precision rather than broad strokes.

Reclaiming Nuance

The most profound insights in psychology aren’t simple. They require us to hold multiple truths simultaneously: that we need both connection and autonomy, that difficult experiences can be both harmful and growth-promoting, that other people can be both flawed and worthy of compassion.

Sarah, the client struggling with her mother, eventually learned that her situation called not for rigid boundaries but for clear communication about her needs and values. Michael discovered that living with his parents required negotiating shared space rather than creating walls. David found that understanding his sister’s anxiety made family gatherings more tolerable for everyone.

These solutions aren’t as satisfying as simple formulas, but they’re more honest about the complexity of human relationships. In a world increasingly hungry for quick fixes and clear villains, perhaps the most radical act is embracing the messy, ambiguous, ultimately hopeful reality of being human.

If you live in New York City, it is not unusual to meet someone who has been in talk therapy for over a decade. “I started in my twenties after my dad died and just kept going,” explained Rob. For years, he had a standing appointment at 6pm every Tuesday with Dr. M. “It was like a reserved parking space in a garage,” he fondly recalled. “That hour was for me to talk about me.” Now 40, Rob came to see me because Dr. M recently retired and moved to Florida and he was in search of a new therapist.

During our initial consultation, Rob talked about the stress of having two kids under the age of ten and some challenges at work but nothing that wasn’t manageable. He and his wife bickered sometimes but overall had a loving and supportive relationship. There was no evidence of depression or an anxiety disorder nor was there a history of a serious mental health issue. One of the biggest stressors in his life was time. Or more accurately, the feeling of not having enough of it—to finish work, to be with his family, to exercise, to see friends.

What I told Rob surprised him. I explained that I didn’t think he needed ongoing treatment. My door would always be open if something came up, but I didn’t believe that spending an hour each week on a therapist’s couch was necessarily the best use of his time. The stress he described in his life was normal, natural, and he seemed perfectly capable of handling it. Why not use that extra hour to have an early dinner with his family or catch up with a friend or go for a walk in the park? Rob was taken aback by my suggestion. Treatment had become a part of his weekly routine, a sacred block on his Tuesday schedule. It never occurred to him to stop.

Therapy Is a Tool, Not a Lifestyle

Rob’s story is not unique. People typically start therapy for a specific reason and tend to continue long after the issue has been resolved. While therapy can be helpful, in my experience it is most effective as a tool to help navigate a challenging situation. Except in rare cases, treatment doesn’t need to last forever.

As Weill Cornell psychiatrist Dr. Richard A. Friedman wrote in an article in the Atlantic entitled Plenty of People Could Quit Therapy Right Now, talk therapy is not designed for long term use. The point of therapy is to learn the skills to feel and function well enough on your own.

I often say that my goal with patients is to put myself out of business—in other words, for them to get to a place where they feel self-reliant and confident dealing with the ups and downs of their daily lives. I do not know of any evidence showing that being in treatment “just because” is helpful, unless of course there is a complex mental health disorder. There is even reason to believe that in the absence of acute symptoms, talk therapy might do more harm than good.

As Friedman observes,

“Excessive self-focus—easily facilitated in a setting in which you’re literally paying to talk about your feelings—can increase your anxiety, especially when it substitutes for tangible actions. If your neurotic or depressive symptoms are relatively mild (meaning they don’t really interfere with your daily functioning), you might be better served by spending less time in a therapist’s office and more time connecting with friends, pursuing a hobby, or volunteering.”

Put simply, instead of talking with a professional on a weekly basis about what’s bothering you, engaging in tangible actions that align with your values may be a more reliable way to give yourself a boost.

What Actually Improves Mental Health?

A recent study of over 600 adults identified 15 everyday mentally protective behaviors that improve wellbeing, no couch time required.

1. Visiting family
2. Spending time in nature
3. Participating in physical activity
4. Getting together with friends or work mates
5. Attendance at community events
6. Contact with informal/formal groups
7. Attendance at large public events
8. Doing challenging activities
9. Influence of religion
10. Involvement in cause-related groups
11. Volunteering
12. Engaging in spiritual activities
13. Doing activities that require thinking or concentration
14. Talking or chatting people with people outside your home (including online)
15. Helping others

These activities are more than just feel-good suggestions. They’re evidence-backed pathways to resilience.

A Little Therapy Can Go a Long Way

To be clear, I am not anti-therapy. I am anti-therapy culture. I believe therapy works best when it is targeted and purposeful.

For example, Cognitive Based Therapy (CBT)—the gold standard for anxiety and depression—is a goal-oriented, short term treatment typically lasting between 10 and 20 sessions.

There is also evidence that just one meeting with a therapist can be effective. One study found that a single solution-focused session was associated with improvements in hopelessness, agency, and psychological distress.

In other words, a little therapy can go a long way to helping a person feel better. It does not require the time, cost, and potential pitfalls of ongoing “just because” treatment.

Beginning or Ending Therapy: Questions Worth Asking

f you are starting treatment for the first time, be clear about your goals, inquire about expected length of treatment and track your progress.

If you have been in therapy for a long time and have not had any symptoms for over 6 months, it might be time to take a break. Here are a few questions to consider:

• Have I met the goals that brought me to therapy? What have I achieved in therapy, or what specifically has changed in accordance with my goals?
• What key changes can I identify in myself, my life, and my relationships that suggest I’ve grown through therapy?
• Why am I thinking or feeling that this might be a good time to end therapy? Is my assessment based on feelings in the moment, or a more continuous and overarching feeling of readiness and progress towards my goals?
• What support might I need to continue my positive change, growth, and development after I end therapy?

Wellbeing Is Built on Action, Not Analysis

This logic seems flawed to me. The assumption that therapy is the only signal of an emotionally balanced person and the only route towards wellbeing misses what I believe to be the secret ingredient of mental health: relationships with others.

There are many ways to be serious about your mental health and to signal to others that you are serious about your mental health. Instead of asking “are you in therapy?” say “tell me about the people in your life you are close to.” A person’s answer will tell you a great deal about who they are.

The paradox of modern therapy culture is that in our quest to understand ourselves, we may be missing the very thing that makes us whole: genuine connection with others and purposeful engagement with the world around us. Sometimes the best way to get out of your head is to get into the world.

There are plenty of reasons to want to boost one’s confidence. Confident people have better relationships and are more likely to get ahead at work and achieve more academically. They are even perceived as more attractive. It’s no wonder that one of the top reasons people go to therapy is to become more confident.

But here’s something that might surprise you. Confidence isn’t a feeling. It’s a practice.

Confident people prepare, they work hard, they still get nervous and suffer from imposter syndrome … but they’ve learned to take action anyway. The difference isn’t that they feel more ready than everyone else. It’s that they understand confidence comes from doing, not waiting to feel ready.

I was reminded of this during a session with Sabrina, a new patient whose boss had told her she should be more assertive and speak up in meetings. She came to therapy convinced that we needed to excavate her past in order to understand why she was so quiet. Was it her three older brothers who dominated dinner conversations? Her parents’ divorce when she was 16? The soccer coach in high school who only cared about winning? The breakup with her boyfriend of two years because he felt their long distance relationship wasn’t working?

The list went on and on…

What Actually Builds Confidence

Here’s what I explained to Sabrina: There is no amount of talking or thinking about confidence that will actually build it. What builds confidence is doing things. We gain confidence when we try to do something and succeed at it.

Sure, it’s easier to sit and talk about the causes of one’s limitations than to take action to change them. All too often, this is what people do in therapy—focusing on the past and striving to understand the forces that shaped us. What this ignores is our ability to make our own choices and shape our present. Yes, believing in yourself and having others believe in you can help but it is only by putting yourself out there and taking action that you embolden and empower yourself.

The Confidence Myth That’s Holding You Back

Most people think they need to feel confident before taking action. But confident people have figured out that action comes first, confidence follows. For example, it is from giving speeches that I began to feel better about my ability to give a good speech.

Discussing one’s problems and finger pointing rather than taking concrete steps to make a change can leave you in limbo. I think of it as the equivalent of sitting in an airport lounge waiting for the announcement that it’s boarding time. In some ways, it’s comfortable with the endless supply of bottled water and snacks but it’s not time well spent. It’s an “as soon as” existence which is rarely a rewarding one.

I suggested to Sabrina that rather than talking about why she doesn’t speak up, that she could just begin by speaking up in meetings. That’s the key. Stop talking about doing it. Stop thinking about doing it. Just begin.

Here are 7 science-backed strategies to help you take meaningful action, starting today.

1. Start Before You Feel Ready

Think of confidence like a muscle. It strengthens through repetition, not through rest. Each time you speak up, try something new, or push through discomfort, you’re doing psychological reps that reinforce a positive feedback loop: effort → action → evidence → growth.

The magic happens in the gap between “I’m not ready” and “I’m doing it anyway.”

2. Design Your Personal Confidence Challenge

Here’s a simple yet effective exercise I use with clients to train their confidence muscle: Creating a Confidence Challenge—a short list of areas they want to grow in, paired with specific action steps.

Want to speak up more in meetings? Try being the first to suggest an idea this week. Want to get more confident in the kitchen? Pick a new recipe and make it tonight. Want to feel less anxious about public speaking? Practice giving a toast at dinner with friends.

The goal isn’t perfection, it’s momentum. Small wins create the psychological foundation for bigger ones.

3. Hack Your Nervous System (The “I’m Excited” Trick)

Your body produces identical physiological responses to fear and excitement—it’s the same racing heart, sweaty palms, and butterflies in your stomach.

The only difference is the story you tell yourself about what those sensations mean. Harvard researcher Alison Wood Brooks found that people who said “I’m excited” before a performance consistently outperformed those who tried to calm down.

Your nervous system is already revved up so why not use that energy to your advantage.

4. Look Back to Move Forward

As Adam Grant writes, “Confidence doesn’t always come from believing in yourself today. It often stems from recalling the obstacles you overcame yesterday.”

When imposter syndrome starts whispering that you’re not qualified, flip the script. Remember the project you thought was impossible but pulled off? That speech you were terrified to give but nailed? The difficult conversation you navigated with grace?

You’ve been building evidence of your capabilities your entire life. Don’t let self-doubt erase the data.

5. Strike a Power Pose

Stand up right now. Roll your shoulders back, lift your chin, and smile like you just accomplished something amazing. Notice how you already feel different?

Research shows that our physical posture doesn’t just reflect our mental state—it actively shapes it. When we stand tall, we don’t just look more confident; we actually feel more confident. It’s like giving yourself a shot of liquid courage, minus the hangover.

6. Channel Your Inner Superhero

“Just be yourself” might be the worst advice ever given to someone struggling with confidence. When imposter syndrome is loud, being yourself feels like the last thing you want to do.

Instead, try this: Think of someone who embodies the qualities you want to cultivate. How would they walk into this room? Speak in this meeting? Handle this challenge? Maybe it’s a mentor, a friend, or even a fictional character—the key is to borrow their mindset until you develop your own.

It’s not about being fake; it’s about stretching beyond your current self-concept to become who you’re capable of being.

7. Delete “I Think” From Your Vocabulary

If you want to sound and feel more confident, pay attention to the language you use. One simple shift can make a huge difference: stop saying “I think” when you have a clear opinion.

Instead of saying “I think we should eat here,” say “I recommend we eat here.” Instead of “I think this might work,” say “Let’s try this.”

Confident language doesn’t just change how others hear you—it changes how you see yourself.

What Happens When We Stop Analyzing and Start Acting

Confidence grows by doing, not thinking. Whether it’s raising your hand, sharing your idea, or stepping outside your comfort zone, each small act builds the belief that you can handle more than you thought.

The leap comes first.

The confidence comes later.

Today we hit the year’s exact midpoint — 182 days behind us, 182 days ahead. As Melissa Kirsch writes in The New York Times, July 2nd is an opportune moment to look back at where you’ve been, and to set your sights on where you want to go.

Perhaps your first half wasn’t perfect. Don’t worry. Perfect has never been the point.

The Paradox of Looking Back to Move Forward

There’s something counterintuitive about reflection that most people miss: the best way to create meaningful progress isn’t to look ahead—it’s to pause and honestly examine where you’ve been.

This isn’t about dwelling in the past or getting stuck in analysis paralysis. It’s about mining your recent experiences for the kind of intelligence that can’t be found in any productivity hack or life optimization framework. Your own patterns of thriving, stumbling, and recovering contain more wisdom about your path forward than any external blueprint ever could.

Research backs this up. Studies on “implementation intentions” show that people who regularly reflect on their progress are significantly more likely to achieve their goals than those who simply set targets and charge ahead. But here’s the twist: the most effective reflection isn’t about cataloging failures or obsessing over what went wrong. It’s about identifying what worked, what drained you, and what patterns deserve more of your attention.

What follows are four evidence-based strategies for reflection that don’t just help you feel good about the past—they give you actionable intelligence for designing a more intentional future.

Progress is psychological fuel, and it works even when it’s messy, inconsistent, or still unfolding. The key insight from decades of motivation research is this: our brains are wired to respond to forward movement, not finish lines.

Dig deeper: What specific strength or value helped you make this progress? Was it persistence? Curiosity? The willingness to ask for help? Understanding your success patterns isn’t just feel-good reflection—it’s strategic intelligence for future challenges.

Remember: perfect has never been the enemy of good. It’s the enemy of getting started.

2. Practice Strategic Subtraction

While most self-help advice pushes addition—more goals, more habits, more optimization—behavioral scientists increasingly point to subtraction as the secret sauce for sustainable change. Research from the University of Virginia shows we have a systematic bias toward adding rather than removing, even when subtraction would be more effective.

Try this: Identify two things you need to release that no longer serve your wellbeing or growth. This might be a limiting belief that’s kept you playing small, a role you’ve outgrown but keep clinging to, or an impossible standard that’s quietly draining your energy.

The neuroscience here is fascinating: our brains treat letting go as a form of loss, triggering the same neural pathways as physical pain. But here’s what’s remarkable—when we consciously choose what to release, we’re not just clearing mental space. We’re practicing what psychologists call “cognitive flexibility,” one of the strongest predictors of resilience and life satisfaction.

3. Architect Your Social Ecosystem

The Framingham Heart Study, spanning over 70 years and three generations, revealed something extraordinary: happiness spreads through social networks up to three degrees of separation. Your friend’s friend’s friend can literally influence your wellbeing. Yet most of us treat relationships like afterthoughts, waiting for our schedules to “make room” for connection.

Try this: Think of three relationships that have been particularly life-enhancing this year. How can you nurture them more intentionally? This isn’t about networking or transactional relationship-building—it’s about recognizing that psychological thriving happens in community.

The research is unambiguous: people with strong social connections live longer, recover from illness faster, and report higher life satisfaction than those who prioritize individual achievement alone. Harvard’s Grant Study, following subjects for over 80 years, concluded that the quality of our relationships is the strongest predictor of life satisfaction.

Take action: Reach out, check in, make plans, listen with your full attention. Happiness comes from “with” just as much as it comes from within. Your wellbeing is fundamentally relational.

4. Follow Your Energy Intelligence

Energy, it turns out, is information. Positive psychology research shows that the moments when we feel most energized are reliable indicators of our core strengths and values in action. When we ignore these signals, we’re essentially ignoring our internal GPS for a meaningful life.

Try this: Identify four specific moments this year when you felt genuinely energized and expansive. What were you doing? Who were you with? What elements can you intentionally replicate?

This isn’t about chasing constant high energy or avoiding all challenges. Research from the University of Rochester on “eudaimonic wellbeing” shows that sustainable energy comes from activities that align with our authentic selves and contribute to something beyond personal gain.

The strategic insight: Those moments when you felt most energized aren’t random—they’re data points revealing your personal strengths and values in action. Think of them as breadcrumbs marking the trail toward work, relationships, and activities that genuinely suit who you are. The more you deliberately seek out experiences that mirror these high-energy moments, the more you’ll find yourself living in alignment with what actually matters to you, rather than what you think should matter.

From Insight to Action

Here’s what I’ve learned from years of studying wellbeing research: reflection without action is just sophisticated procrastination. The insights you’ve just uncovered—your progress patterns, the things you need to release, the relationships that fuel you, and the activities that genuinely energize you—are only valuable if they change how you show up tomorrow.

The most successful people aren’t those who set the most ambitious goals or follow the most elaborate systems. They’re the ones who pay attention to what their own experience is teaching them and have the courage to act on those insights, even when they contradict conventional wisdom or societal expectations or even gut feelings.

So take these reflections seriously. Put them somewhere you’ll see them. Let them inform your decisions in the weeks ahead. Because the gap between insight and action is where most good intentions go to die—and where the most meaningful transformations begin.

Your life is happening right now, not when you finally figure everything out. These four practices aren’t preparation for living well; they are living well. The question isn’t whether you’ll be perfect at implementing them. The question is whether you’ll be brave enough to start.

You’re constantly changing, whether you acknowledge it or not. As Taylor Swift reminds us in her song Dear Reader, “If you don’t recognize yourself, that means you did it right.”

What is the best way to support a friend in need? According to research, this may be the wrong question. Simply showing up and expressing warmth and love is what matters most. The study, Too Reluctant to Reach Out: Receiving Social Support Is More Positive Than Expressers Expect published in Psychological Science found that all too often we hesitate to express support because we worry too much about saying or doing the “right thing” and question our competence to provide what the person needs.

According to the study, there is a gap between how expressers and recipients perceive the very same supportive act. Expressers tend to focus on how effectively they are supporting another person whereas recipients tend to focus on the warmth and kindness that they receive. As a result of the mismatch, we systematically miss opportunities to help others more in daily life:

“Each day offers opportunities to reach out and show some form of support, however large or small, to a person in need. Our experiments suggest that undervaluing the positive impact of expressing support could create a psychological barrier to expressing it more often. Withholding support because of misguided fears of saying or doing the wrong thing could leave both recipients and expressers less happy than they could be,” explained the researchers.

When in doubt, send that text, make that phone call and show up. It means more than you realize.

Fans of The West Wing may remember the iconic scene when Leo McGarry tells his friend, Josh Lyman, the story about the man in the hole. Josh is having a hard time and Leo shares these words of wisdom:

“This guy’s walking down the street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep he cant get out.

A doctor passes by and the guy shouts up, ‘Hey you. Can you help me out?’ The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on.

Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up, ‘Father, I’m down in this hole, can you help me out?’ The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on.

Then a friend walks by, ‘Hey, Joe, it’s me can you help me out?’ And the friend jumps into the hole. Our guy says, ‘Are you stupid? Now we’re both down here.’ The friend says, ‘Yeah, but I’ve been down here before and I know the way out.'”

Simply being there for someone is an act of grace. As Cecilia Irene reflected on her blog, “Leo’s quotation is the definition of love and friendship. Prayer is infinitely valuable. Medicine is good. But sometimes what you really need is for someone to meet you where you are and try to help you climb out of the pit.”

The Man in the Hole story reminds me of a beautiful letter poet Robert Lowell wrote to his fellow poet John Berryman who was going through a rough patch:

“I have been thinking much about you all summer, and how we have gone through the same troubles, visiting the bottom of the world. I have wanted to stretch out a hand, and tell you that I have been there too, and how it all lightens and life swims back … “

Don’t let agonizing over finding the right words or doing the right thing keep you from expressing warmth and love. Reach out to others in need more often and remind them that life swims back.

Take a moment and think about your right big toe.

Focus on it. Straighten it. Wiggle it.

Now ask: how does it feel? Snug in your sock? Slightly pinched in your shoe?

You likely hadn’t noticed it up until this moment unless of course you have gout or recently stubbed it. But now that you’re paying attention, your right big toe is taking up prime real estate in your mind and is impossible to ignore.

Attention is a spotlight

What seems like a psychological trick is actually a demonstration of how attention works. Our brains are amazing filtering machines, adept at cancelling out huge amounts of stimuli that would otherwise be too much to handle at once. It’s only when we shine a spotlight on something (in this case the big toe) that it enters awareness. And what we focus on determines what we experience. The more we concentrate on something, the larger it looms.

A study conducted at Stanford University’s School of Medicine asked participants to hold a thermal wand that gradually increased in heat to cause mild discomfort. The result? Those who distracted themselves, by thinking about someone they loved or played word games, reported significantly less pain than those who fixated on how their hand felt.

The same is true for our emotions. If you don’t focus on your anger, it’s hard to stay angry. If you don’t fixate on what’s bothering you, it’s hard to stay bothered. As William James famously wrote, “my experience is what I agree to attend to.”

There is nothing wrong with feeling your feelings. What I am concerned about is fixating on them. When we pay attention to difficult feelings, they usually grow rather than diminish. It’s like fertilizing a weed. And yet, this is exactly what we have been told to do if we want to improve our mental health. When you think about it, that’s exactly what some forms of therapy do.

A study conducted at Stanford University’s School of Medicine asked participants to hold a thermal wand that gradually increased in heat to cause mild discomfort. The result? Those who distracted themselves, by thinking about someone they loved or played word games, reported significantly less pain than those who fixated on how their hand felt.

The same is true for our emotions. If you don’t focus on your anger, it’s hard to stay angry. If you don’t fixate on what’s bothering you, it’s hard to stay bothered. As William James famously wrote, “my experience is what I agree to attend to.”

There is nothing wrong with feeling your feelings. What I am concerned about is fixating on them. When we pay attention to difficult feelings, they usually grow rather than diminish. It’s like fertilizing a weed. And yet, this is exactly what we have been told to do if we want to improve our mental health. When you think about it, that’s exactly what some forms of therapy do.

What mentally strong people do differently

In my experience, mentally strong people do not spend countless hours exploring and understanding themselves. They are not trying to “find” themselves. Alas, nobody I know has ever actually found themselves and in my humble opinion … that’s a good thing. It means we are all evolving.

Talking about what’s bothering you may be helpful at times but not if it allows you to back away from reality or to avoid taking action. As therapist David K. Reynolds said, “continued complaining only makes us skillful complainers.” The truth is you don’t need to understand your feelings to get on with your life.

I have found that the most well-adjusted people do two things:

1. They accept—instead of dwelling on—their feelings.

They recognize that feelings go away unless we feed them. They don’t deny or hide from their pain, they just don’t allow it to dictate their lives.

2. They do things.

Their behavior is purposeful and deliberate. They recognize that they cannot control what’s going on in their head but they can control what actions they take. They are responsible for their behaviors regardless of how they feel.

Feelings don’t excuse behavior

All too often we use our feelings as an excuse.

• “I can’t ask for what I want because I’m anxious.”
• “I raised my voice because I was angry.”
• “I didn’t listen because I was distracted.”

The word “because” is not a defense, nor is it an explanation. Plain and simple: It’s a rationalization. Not asking for what one wants, raising one’s voice, and not listening are all choices. We have become emotional gluttons, overly relying on our emotions to guide us. There is nothing wrong with feeling your feelings, just don’t give them the microphone.

Bottom Line:

Don’t endure unpleasant circumstances that can be changed by action. Feelings are for feeling. Not for explaining, for justifying, or for acting out.