Have you ever met someone who has actually achieved work-life balance? I haven’t. As Oliver Burkeman wrote in the best-selling book Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals:

“Nobody in the history of humanity has ever achieved ‘work-life balance,’ whatever that might be and you certainly won’t get there by copying the ‘six things successful people do before 7 a.m.’”

Rather than striving for optimal time management, he advises us to make peace with the reality that there will never be enough time to do all the things we would like to do. Put simply, he argues, it’s time (pun intended) to give up the fight against time because it’s a lost cause:

“No finite human being has ever won a fight against time. We just get the limited time we get, and the limited control over it that we get. And if you spend your life fighting the truth of this situation, all that happens is that you feel more rushed and overwhelmed and impatient – until one day time decisively wins the fight, as it was always destined to do. (In other words: you die.)”

In a world filled with productivity porn, Burkeman’s perspective is refreshing. Instead of trying in vain to cram more tasks into each day and get more done, perhaps making better use of the limited time that we have is a better strategy.

Here are 7 ways to feel less frazzled:

Be a Reductionist 

Whenever we encounter a problem, we almost always tend to add something. This is known as subtraction neglect. We add meetings to address issues at work, we add homework to improve academic performance, we add apps to boost efficiency, we add products to enhance skin, but rarely consider how the alternative could be transformative. What can you do less of?

Be Wherever Your Feet Are

I heard this excellent advice a few months ago. It’s a wonderful reminder to give your full attention to the moment you are in and to the person you are with.

Be Still 

Press pause regularly. Rather than packing more work into a given day, take some time to reflect on the lessons of the day.

Be Helpful 

A counterintuitive way to feel less pressed for time is to give it away. Volunteering and doing things for others, rather than focusing on ourselves, expands our sense of time and meaning.

Be Selective

Say no to things that don’t align with your values. Guilt and obligation are not reasons to give your time away.

Be Honest

Many people say they wish they could spend more time with their family but end up on their phones whenever they are with them. Quality face time with loved ones is a vital contributor to wellbeing. Nobody on their deathbed ever said, “I wish I had spent more time on social media.”

Be a Sleep Enthusiast

Lack of sleep is a vampire of vitality. Mental and physical energy are a fundamental currency of wellbeing. Quality time is enhanced by quality sleep.

Bottom Line

Let go of striving for that elusive ideal of work-life balance and spend your precious time doing things that matter. Sometimes that will throw you off balance and that’s okay. As  Alain de Botton observed, “Everything worth fighting for unbalances your life.”

It is no wonder that my patient felt drained after spending a weekend with an old friend who was known to be a relentless complainer. Grumbling about what’s bothering you may feel like a good idea but studies show it can do more harm than good—to both the grumbler and the person on the receiving end of the grumbling.  As Arthur Brooks recently highlighted in the Atlantic:

Put simply, when it comes to venting, sharing is not caring. The more we complain, the unhappier the people around us become. Simply hearing another person gripe can negatively impact one’s mood and induce negative emotions. The “complaint contagion effect” was on full display recently when Elmo asked people on X how they were doing.

People unloaded on Elmo. With the exception of Chance the Rapper who responded, “Honestly, I’m in a really good place [right now]” most people did not hold back.  Airing grievances can feel good in the moment but research on social media shows that when people’s complaints express anger, disgust, and sadness, their negativity spreads to those who are exposed to their venting. It is likely that the airing of grievances to Elmo amplified them.

Letting off steam not only backfires, it can actually fuel the fire. Psychology professor Jeffrey Lohr points out the downside of broadcasting our frustrations, “Venting anger is an emotional expression. It’s similar to emotional farting in a closed area. It sounds like a good idea, but it’s dead wrong.”

Research shows that girls who talk extensively about their problems with friends are more likely to become anxious and depressed. Co-ruminating takes an emotional toll, leading to a sense of helplessness and hopelessness.

As Lohr explains, “The problem with venting is that it’s a negative reinforcement process. Anger and hostility are specific emotions and expression of them begets more anger and hostility. What people fail to realize is that the anger would have dissipated had they not vented.”

Here are 5 strategies to help you complain more strategically. Think of them as GasX for Emotional Flatulence:

1. Count to 10 and back again

Anger dissipates more quickly when you focus on your breath.

2. Take a walk

Spending time outdoors helps put anger in perspective. 

3. Pick your battles

Only complain when it serves a purpose. Stick to facts and be clear about what you want. Whatever you do, don’t make complaining your go-to mode of connecting with others.

4. Give it a name

Studies show that putting feelings into words reduces their impact but that doesn’t mean you have to say them out loud. Writing about it in a journal that you don’t share can help you better understand your feelings and feel more in control.

5. Move Forward

If you are complaining to someone about their behavior, rather than dwelling on a past grievance, focus on behavior you would like to see more of in the future. For instance, you could say, “moving forward, I hope we can communicate over the phone rather than sending hostile text messages back and forth.” The person on the receiving end will be less defensive and more motivated to make a change when they see the possibility of a fresh start. 

Bottom Line: If you need to complain, please be solution oriented, not grievance fixated.

The Good Fight

Call me cynical but I worry whenever I hear a couple say, “we never argue.” Tiptoeing around disagreements might feel good in the short term, but in the long run undermines the quality of the relationship. The pressure to have a fairytale romance is more intense than ever thanks to social media. If one were to believe all the gushing posts about people’s significant other, it would be impossible to imagine anything other than a blissful frictionless co-existence. Cue the champagne and roses.

Contrary to what social media leads us to believe, perfect harmony is not the defining characteristic of a high quality relationship. What matters is not being in sync all the time but how you work through times when you are out of sync. As Drs. Ed Tronick and Claudia Gold noted in The Power of Discord, the ups and downs of relationships are the secret to building meaning and trust. Their research found that mismatch—i.e. being out of sync with each other—is to be expected and is the situation over 90 percent of the time. Put simply, there is nothing to worry about if you and your partner aren’t always on the same page. They liken healthy relationships to an imperfect dance:

Apologies to Fred and Ginger, but it’s Jennifer and Patrick we should seek to emulate. Learning how to move through the messiness turns out to be essential for growth and is the building block of an enduring and meaningful relationship.

The stories we tell about ourselves shape the people we become. If we fixate on how we have been wronged, we become wound collectors—stuck in the past and awash in grievances. Focusing on fragility overshadows our capability to overcome adversity. Making an identity out of the bad things that happen to us can result in a preoccupation with victimhood, leaving an individual stuck in a vortex of finger pointing, self-focus, and rumination.

Those with a victim mindset tend to:

1. Constantly seek recognition of their victimhood — They have a perpetual need to have their suffering acknowledged.
2. Have a sense of moral elitism — They perceive themselves as having an immaculate morality and to be morally superior to others.
3. Lack empathy for the pain and suffering of others — They become so preoccupied with their own victimhood that they ignore opportunities to help others.
4. Frequently ruminate about past victimization — They are so preoccupied with the causes and consequences of how they have been wronged that they have little interest in solutions. Moreover, such rumination reduces the motivation for forgiveness and increases the drive to seek revenge.

Focusing on grievances influences the interpretation of everyday interactions. Those with a victim mindset are more likely to be offended in ambiguous situations. For instance, if a colleague doesn’t say hello or a friend doesn’t return a text, they will take it as personally rather than consider other reasons for the offender’s behavior. They are also more likely to think the offenders’ hurtful behavior was intentional. As summarized in a research paper on the topic, “People who have a higher tendency for personal victimhood feel victimized more often, more intensely, and for longer durations than those who have a lower such tendency.”

If a person is in search of offense, they will surely find it. A passing comment, a cryptic expression, even a well-intentioned compliment might be taken the wrong way if one is on the look out for disrespect or a put down.

There are many factors that might contribute to a victim mindset including an anxious attachment style and having experienced real victimization though, developing a victim mindset can develop without past trauma. Victim beliefs can also be learned. Education, social media, and constantly being reminded of grievances can contribute to this line of thinking. For instance, reminding people of a time they were wronged has been shown to promote a victim mindset including entitled and selfish behavior.

I cannot help but wonder if the current emphasis on fragility is undermining people’s sense of agency and perhaps even contributing to the current mental health crisis. When you lack a sense of control, depression and learned helplessness can kick in. The reality is we are all vulnerable but we are also incredibly strong. Instead of seeing ourselves through a lens of fragility, research shows it is healthier to see ourselves as heroes on a journey. A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that when people begin to see their lives as heroic quests, they report less depression and cope better with adversity.

The researchers created a “re-storying” intervention to help participants retell their story as a hero’s journey. They were instructed to identify each of the 7 key elements of the hero’s journey and then to weave them together into a coherent narrative.

Afterwards, participants reported greater wellbeing and more meaning in their lives. They also became more resilient in the face of adversity and saw obstacles as challenges rather than road blocks.

To become the hero of your own story, consider the following questions:

By making people feel like they are heroes on a journey, the re-storying intervention enables them to reframe obstacles as part of their journey towards transformation and triumph. As Lou Ursa, a licensed psychotherapist in California put it, having an eagle eye view versus a snake eye view of our lives puts things in perspective. All too often, we are seeing what is right in front of us rather than the big picture.

Of note, you don’t have to be Wonder Woman to think about your life story this way. Anyone can benefit from reframing their narrative through a lens of strength and transformation. And who knows—maybe you have more in common with Wonder Woman than you think…

Bottom Line: In the same way that focusing on health rather than disease can make us feel better, paying attention to strengths rather than fragility can help us grow. Be the hero of your own story and let agency be your superpower.

Suppressing negative thoughts might improve mental health. This isn’t a typo. Nor is it a lingering belief from my WASPY upbringing. It’s the findings of a new study published in Science entitled Improving mental health by training the suppression of unwanted thoughts. Contrary to accepted narratives about mental health, researchers from the University of Cambridge found that a stiff upper lip may have mental health benefits.

Father of psychoanalysis Sigmund Freud observed, “Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.”

Author of The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma Bessel van der Kolk has a similar take on taping down emotions, “As long as you keep secrets and suppress information, you are fundamentally at war with yourself.”

A counterintuitive approach

But what if assuming that talking about negative emotions and dredging up miserable experiences from the past is the only way to rob them of their power is misguided? What if ignoring certain thoughts isn’t maladaptive but can actually be a healthy coping strategy?

Researchers at the Medical Research Council (MRC) Cognition and Brain Sciences Unit in the UK trained 120 volunteers from 16 countries to suppress thoughts and worries about negative events. They found that not only did these thoughts become less vivid, they were also less anxiety provoking. Moreover, participants reported thinking about these feared events less. Counter to conventional wisdom, there was no paradoxical increase in fear or rebound anxiety. Furthermore, participants who continued to practice the thought-suppression technique continued to experience mental health benefits. Of note, many of the participants in the study had serious mental health issues including depression, anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder.

In Winter Notes on Summer Impressions, Fyodor Dostoevsky famously wrote “Try to pose for yourself this task: not to think of a polar bear, and you will see that the cursed thing will come to mind every minute.” The more we try to ignore polar bears and pink elephants, the thinking goes, the more they occupy emotional real estate. Harvard psychologist professor Daniel Wegner, PhD termed this phenomenon “ironic process theory.” Wegner theorized that when we try not to think of something, one part of our mind successfully avoids the forbidden thought, but another part “checks in” every so often to make sure that the thought is not coming up—therefore, ironically, bringing it to mind.

The good news is that ignoring pink elephants and bears might be easier than Wegner originally thought. A study published in Psychological Science entitled Taming the White Bear found that learning to ignore things is a powerful tool for helping people focus.

Here is the task participants were given:

Knowing what to look for is obviously important. The researchers also found that learning what not to look for matters too. Participants who were told what to ignore were more efficient at the task. This study highlights a key point about attention. The reason we’re able to focus on something is not just because of the attention we’re giving it but also because of our brain’s ability to block out other competing stimuli.

While searching for “Ts” and taming white bears might be easier than previously thought, these findings have application in the real world.

If you want to ignore something, here are three strategies to consider:

1. Be Deliberate

Going about your business while passively trying to ignore what’s on your mind is unlikely to work. Stop and acknowledge what’s bothering you and make a concerted effort to block it out.

2. Distract Yourself

Choosing a powerful and absorbing diversion can help you block out the unwanted white bear. Focusing on something else or someone else will help you tune out the rest.

3. Schedule Worry Time

Some research has found that asking people to simply set aside half an hour a day for worrying allows them to avoid worrying during the rest of their day. Next time an unwanted thought comes up, just try to tell yourself, “I’m not going to think about that until next Wednesday afternoon.”

Learning to selectively look the other way can help us see more clearly.

While it might be human to make mistakes, we are often reluctant to admit to them. When it comes to taking responsibility, we waffle, come up with excuses, or point the finger at someone else.

Avoidance and denial are frequently the default response. We worry that admitting we were wrong will damage our reputation, diminish our standing, and perhaps even raise questions about our character. But research suggests this is not the case at all. In fact, acknowledging mistakes increases forgiveness and enhances perceptions of intelligence, competence, and decency. A study found that doctors who acknowledged wrongdoing were less likely to get sued.

Along these lines, researchers asked participants to imagine they had been hit by a bicyclist. They compared participants who received no apology or who received a sympathetic apology from the bicyclist — I am so sorry that you were hurt. I really hope that you feel better soon — with those who received a responsibility-accepting apology — I am so sorry that you were hurt. The accident was all my fault. I was going too fast and not watching where I was going until it was too late. Participants who received a full apology felt less anger and more sympathy towards the bicyclist. They were also more willing to forgive the person.

Put simply, saying “I’m sorry” is nice but not enough. Taking responsibility makes a difference for both parties.

Admitting when we are wrong is important in our close relationships too. “Admitters” have healthier connections with their nearest and dearest. When your partner or parent says, “I was wrong,” the process of repair can begin. If you haven’t seen clinical psychologist Becky Kennedy’s Ted Talk on why learning to make amends is the most important skill a parent can have, please watch it. Not only will Kennedy help you find the the language to make things right after losing your temper, she provides the tools to navigate everyday parenting challenges. She also reminds us that it is never too late for a parent to make amends. Here is a blueprint for initiating the process of repair even years later: