The stories we tell about ourselves shape the people we become. If we fixate on how we have been wronged, we become wound collectors—stuck in the past and awash in grievances. Focusing on fragility overshadows our capability to overcome adversity. Making an identity out of the bad things that happen to us can result in a preoccupation with victimhood, leaving an individual stuck in a vortex of finger pointing, self-focus, and rumination.

Those with a victim mindset tend to:

1. Constantly seek recognition of their victimhood — They have a perpetual need to have their suffering acknowledged.
2. Have a sense of moral elitism — They perceive themselves as having an immaculate morality and to be morally superior to others.
3. Lack empathy for the pain and suffering of others — They become so preoccupied with their own victimhood that they ignore opportunities to help others.
4. Frequently ruminate about past victimization — They are so preoccupied with the causes and consequences of how they have been wronged that they have little interest in solutions. Moreover, such rumination reduces the motivation for forgiveness and increases the drive to seek revenge.

Focusing on grievances influences the interpretation of everyday interactions. Those with a victim mindset are more likely to be offended in ambiguous situations. For instance, if a colleague doesn’t say hello or a friend doesn’t return a text, they will take it as personally rather than consider other reasons for the offender’s behavior. They are also more likely to think the offenders’ hurtful behavior was intentional. As summarized in a research paper on the topic, “People who have a higher tendency for personal victimhood feel victimized more often, more intensely, and for longer durations than those who have a lower such tendency.”

If a person is in search of offense, they will surely find it. A passing comment, a cryptic expression, even a well-intentioned compliment might be taken the wrong way if one is on the look out for disrespect or a put down.

There are many factors that might contribute to a victim mindset including an anxious attachment style and having experienced real victimization though, developing a victim mindset can develop without past trauma. Victim beliefs can also be learned. Education, social media, and constantly being reminded of grievances can contribute to this line of thinking. For instance, reminding people of a time they were wronged has been shown to promote a victim mindset including entitled and selfish behavior.

I cannot help but wonder if the current emphasis on fragility is undermining people’s sense of agency and perhaps even contributing to the current mental health crisis. When you lack a sense of control, depression and learned helplessness can kick in. The reality is we are all vulnerable but we are also incredibly strong. Instead of seeing ourselves through a lens of fragility, research shows it is healthier to see ourselves as heroes on a journey. A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that when people begin to see their lives as heroic quests, they report less depression and cope better with adversity.

The researchers created a “re-storying” intervention to help participants retell their story as a hero’s journey. They were instructed to identify each of the 7 key elements of the hero’s journey and then to weave them together into a coherent narrative.

Afterwards, participants reported greater wellbeing and more meaning in their lives. They also became more resilient in the face of adversity and saw obstacles as challenges rather than road blocks.

To become the hero of your own story, consider the following questions:

By making people feel like they are heroes on a journey, the re-storying intervention enables them to reframe obstacles as part of their journey towards transformation and triumph. As Lou Ursa, a licensed psychotherapist in California put it, having an eagle eye view versus a snake eye view of our lives puts things in perspective. All too often, we are seeing what is right in front of us rather than the big picture.

Of note, you don’t have to be Wonder Woman to think about your life story this way. Anyone can benefit from reframing their narrative through a lens of strength and transformation. And who knows—maybe you have more in common with Wonder Woman than you think…

Bottom Line: In the same way that focusing on health rather than disease can make us feel better, paying attention to strengths rather than fragility can help us grow. Be the hero of your own story and let agency be your superpower.

Suppressing negative thoughts might improve mental health. This isn’t a typo. Nor is it a lingering belief from my WASPY upbringing. It’s the findings of a new study published in Science entitled Improving mental health by training the suppression of unwanted thoughts. Contrary to accepted narratives about mental health, researchers from the University of Cambridge found that a stiff upper lip may have mental health benefits.

Father of psychoanalysis Sigmund Freud observed, “Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.”

Author of The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma Bessel van der Kolk has a similar take on taping down emotions, “As long as you keep secrets and suppress information, you are fundamentally at war with yourself.”

A counterintuitive approach

But what if assuming that talking about negative emotions and dredging up miserable experiences from the past is the only way to rob them of their power is misguided? What if ignoring certain thoughts isn’t maladaptive but can actually be a healthy coping strategy?

Researchers at the Medical Research Council (MRC) Cognition and Brain Sciences Unit in the UK trained 120 volunteers from 16 countries to suppress thoughts and worries about negative events. They found that not only did these thoughts become less vivid, they were also less anxiety provoking. Moreover, participants reported thinking about these feared events less. Counter to conventional wisdom, there was no paradoxical increase in fear or rebound anxiety. Furthermore, participants who continued to practice the thought-suppression technique continued to experience mental health benefits. Of note, many of the participants in the study had serious mental health issues including depression, anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder.

In Winter Notes on Summer Impressions, Fyodor Dostoevsky famously wrote “Try to pose for yourself this task: not to think of a polar bear, and you will see that the cursed thing will come to mind every minute.” The more we try to ignore polar bears and pink elephants, the thinking goes, the more they occupy emotional real estate. Harvard psychologist professor Daniel Wegner, PhD termed this phenomenon “ironic process theory.” Wegner theorized that when we try not to think of something, one part of our mind successfully avoids the forbidden thought, but another part “checks in” every so often to make sure that the thought is not coming up—therefore, ironically, bringing it to mind.

The good news is that ignoring pink elephants and bears might be easier than Wegner originally thought. A study published in Psychological Science entitled Taming the White Bear found that learning to ignore things is a powerful tool for helping people focus.

Here is the task participants were given:

Knowing what to look for is obviously important. The researchers also found that learning what not to look for matters too. Participants who were told what to ignore were more efficient at the task. This study highlights a key point about attention. The reason we’re able to focus on something is not just because of the attention we’re giving it but also because of our brain’s ability to block out other competing stimuli.

While searching for “Ts” and taming white bears might be easier than previously thought, these findings have application in the real world.

If you want to ignore something, here are three strategies to consider:

1. Be Deliberate

Going about your business while passively trying to ignore what’s on your mind is unlikely to work. Stop and acknowledge what’s bothering you and make a concerted effort to block it out.

2. Distract Yourself

Choosing a powerful and absorbing diversion can help you block out the unwanted white bear. Focusing on something else or someone else will help you tune out the rest.

3. Schedule Worry Time

Some research has found that asking people to simply set aside half an hour a day for worrying allows them to avoid worrying during the rest of their day. Next time an unwanted thought comes up, just try to tell yourself, “I’m not going to think about that until next Wednesday afternoon.”

Learning to selectively look the other way can help us see more clearly.

While it might be human to make mistakes, we are often reluctant to admit to them. When it comes to taking responsibility, we waffle, come up with excuses, or point the finger at someone else.

Avoidance and denial are frequently the default response. We worry that admitting we were wrong will damage our reputation, diminish our standing, and perhaps even raise questions about our character. But research suggests this is not the case at all. In fact, acknowledging mistakes increases forgiveness and enhances perceptions of intelligence, competence, and decency. A study found that doctors who acknowledged wrongdoing were less likely to get sued.

Along these lines, researchers asked participants to imagine they had been hit by a bicyclist. They compared participants who received no apology or who received a sympathetic apology from the bicyclist — I am so sorry that you were hurt. I really hope that you feel better soon — with those who received a responsibility-accepting apology — I am so sorry that you were hurt. The accident was all my fault. I was going too fast and not watching where I was going until it was too late. Participants who received a full apology felt less anger and more sympathy towards the bicyclist. They were also more willing to forgive the person.

Put simply, saying “I’m sorry” is nice but not enough. Taking responsibility makes a difference for both parties.

Admitting when we are wrong is important in our close relationships too. “Admitters” have healthier connections with their nearest and dearest. When your partner or parent says, “I was wrong,” the process of repair can begin. If you haven’t seen clinical psychologist Becky Kennedy’s Ted Talk on why learning to make amends is the most important skill a parent can have, please watch it. Not only will Kennedy help you find the the language to make things right after losing your temper, she provides the tools to navigate everyday parenting challenges. She also reminds us that it is never too late for a parent to make amends. Here is a blueprint for initiating the process of repair even years later:

Words hold power. The more we talk about what inspires us, the more inspired we become. The more we talk about what diminishes us, the smaller we feel. What we say shapes our expectations, our reality, and our relationships. Language can limit or expand how we think and interact.

Consider the phrases that roll off your tongue. Do they shut others down or invite them to open up? Do they invite or extinguish conversation? Do they promote curiosity or entrench certainty?

Does the thought of making small talk fill you with dread? You’re not alone. Most people dislike idle chitchat because it feels fake and like a waste of time. We can all agree that talking about the weather is not interesting unless you are speaking to a meteorologist and a hurricane is on the way.

Contrary to conventional advice to “keep it light,” studies show that people prefer having deeper and more meaningful discussions. Moreover, engaging in substantive conversations is linked with greater happiness and well-being.

There are two main explanations for this—we are meaning-seeking animals and we are social animals. Conversing about our experiences and the world around us enables us to find meaning in our lives. Good conversations also facilitate bonding and a greater connection with the person with whom we are speaking. Simply put, making a point to talk about stuff that matters is a simple way to cultivate happiness.

That said, getting a conversation going is not always easy. On a date, at a dinner party, or even with a loved one, dialogue doesn’t always flow. We have all had awkward experiences when it felt like pulling teeth to get the other person to engage. Equally challenging is feeling “stuck” at a dinner party next to someone who is rambling on about something you have no interest in.

The good news is it doesn’t have to be this way. Consider re-framing the situation. Instead of dwelling on how dull your dinner partner is or how difficult they are to talk to, ask yourself, “What can I learn from them?” Channeling a more open mindset can transform a boring encounter into an interesting one. In a research paper entitled, “With Our Questions We Make the World,” the authors illustrate the power of an open mindset:

Remember, everyone you will ever meet knows something you don’t.

Here are 8 ways to make your conversations more meaningful:

1. Ask What and How Questions.

When you ask a “why” question, chances are you will get a simple answer, but when you ask a “what” question, you explore a person’s underlying motivation. For example, “What do you think happened?” yields a more thoughtful response than, “Why did that happen?” Every question you ask has the potential to narrow or expand the dialogue. “What” questions encourage reflection and convey a genuine interest in the other person’s experience.

2. Channel Curious George.

3. Ask for advice.

4. Avoid your favorite topic.

It’s counterintuitive but makes sense—whether it’s opera or your Shih Tzu—because you will probably end up talking too much and not listening enough. On that note….

5. Talk less and listen more.

Truly listening involves hearing what the person is saying and also paying attention to their non-verbal communication. Respond by paraphrasing and reflecting on the conversation to move it forward—it shows the other person you genuinely care about what they have to say. Try to hit on something the other person is passionate about and then use the following three magic words: “Tell me more.” Encourage elaboration and when the other person asks you a question, respond with more than just the bare bones. You don’t “just” live in New York, you live downtown because you love the West Village. In other words, give the other person some personal (and substantive) information to work with. By all means, resist the temptation to interrupt immediately and hijack the conversation: “Oh you like skiing? Me too! I just came back from a ski trip…”

6. Obey the 20-second rule.

Dr. Mark Goulston, author of Just Listen, provides some practical advice on when to talk and when to zip it. He recommends obeying the Traffic Light Rule:

“In the first 20 seconds of talking, your light is green: your listener is liking you, as long as your statement is relevant to the conversation and hopefully in service of the other person. But unless you are an extremely gifted raconteur, people who talk for more than roughly half-minute at a time are boring and often perceived as too chatty. So the light turns yellow for the next 20 seconds—now the risk is increasing that the other person is beginning to lose interest or think you’re long-winded. At the 40-second mark, your light is red. Yes, there’s an occasional time you want to run that red light and keep talking, but the vast majority of the time, you’d better stop or you’re in danger.”

7. Your body says it all.

Body language cues like eye contact (and not looking over their shoulder) and sincere nodding communicate interest. Smile, uncross your arms, pay attention. Nothing kills a pleasant conversation like feeling the other person doesn’t care about what you’re saying.

8. Lose the phone.

A 2014 study, called “The iPhone Effect,” demonstrated how the mere presence of a phone can ruin a conversation. The quality and substance of a conversation were rated as less fulfilling when compared to a conversation that took place in the absence of a mobile device. Leave it in your pocket or in your handbag and never place it on the table. If you are expecting an important email from your boss, let the other person know. Create a special notification. At least they will know you are not mindlessly thumbing through Instagram.

Talking about stuff that matters is good for you and good for the person you are chatting with. Try to have at least five substantive conversations a week—not only will they boost your spirits, they will open your mind.

Fran Lebowitz probably says it best: “Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.”

For as long as I have been practicing psychiatry, helping patients navigate the stress of the holidays has been a primary focus during the months of November and December. For many, the most wonderful time of the year actually turns out to be the most stressful time of the year. Awkward office holiday parties, the burden of family rituals, and unrealistic expectations coupled with the pressure to be merry contribute to holiday woes.