“Until I’m 6 feet under

Baby I don’t need a bed

Gonna live while I’m alive

I’ll sleep when I’m dead.”

— Jon Bon Jovi

With all due respect to the venerable Jon Bon Jovi, this is a terrible idea. Countless studies have shown that if we want to live long and well, we also need to sleep long and well. The reality is that most of us are not getting enough sleep and are in denial about how exhausted we are. Just because we are able to get through the day does not mean we are well rested. In fact, people claiming to need the least sleep are the ones who nod off the fastest if given the chance, explained sleep expert Elizabeth Klerman in an interview with The Harvard Gazette. Her rule of thumb: If you fall asleep the minute your head hits the pillow, it’s a wake-up call you’re not getting enough sleep.

Even if we try to trick ourselves with caffeine into not feeling sleepy, lack of sleep still takes a toll on the brain and body. From cardiovascular disease to depression to obesity, sleep deficiency puts our health at risk. Study after study shows that getting good sleep can add years to our lives and more life to our years.

In addition to the overall health benefits of getting enough rest, here are some less obvious ways quality sleep impacts everyday life:

• It makes it easier to stick to exercise and diet goals
• It increases ambition
• It extends and strengthens vaccine response
• It keeps rumination at bay
• It will boost your GPA
• It can help you avoid a beer belly
• It will make you kinder and more willing to help others. Just look at what happens to our kindness quotient when we’re sleep deprived.

If exhaustion is your default setting, take heart.

Scientists at the University of California, Berkeley, have discovered that it is possible to wake up each morning without feeling sluggish by paying attention to three key factors:

1. Getting exercise the day before
2. Sleeping longer or later than you typically do
3. Eating a low sugar breakfast rich in complex carbohydrates, with a moderate amount of protein

The two week long study of 833 participants found that people felt more bright eyed and bushy tailed in the morning when they had done some physical activity the previous day, after sleeping longer than normal (ideally between 7 and 9 hours), and when they had eaten a breakfast high in carbohydrates and with limited sugar. Think nut butter on whole grain toast or banana oatmeal.

In addition to the three key behaviors mentioned above, here are some other data-driven ways to help you sleep better:

Lighten Up

Get 10 minutes of early morning sunlight. Going outside early in the day serves as a wake up signal, promotes focus, and prepares the body for sleep later that night by regulating the circadian clock, according to Dr. Andrew Huberman. Catch the sunset if you can or at least go outside for a few minutes in the afternoon as well. This also helps regulate the sleep/wake cycle.

Go Dark

The simple hack of wearing a sleep mask can boost how alert you feel the following day. Masks help sleepers spend more time in the deepest phase of sleep which is vital for processing new information and strengthening memory. The Sleep Code has a great selection.

If, like me, you have difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep consider this:

A typical recommendation for anyone having trouble sleeping is to get out of bed. The thinking is that trying to force oneself to fall asleep backfires and reinforces sleeplessness, both psychologically and physiologically. This advice has never sat well with me. Whenever I can’t sleep, the last thing I want to do is go to another room and play Sudoku.

I find the following unconventional methods to be tremendously helpful and they don’t require relocation. While I am a big believer in not sleeping with one’s phone nearby, I make an exception on sleepless nights so I can tune into these soothing modern lullabies. I think of them as Audible Ambien.

The BBC Shipping News Forecast

Listening to the weather reports for the seas around the British Isles is hypnotically soothing. The New York Times calls it “the secret for falling asleep so good it’s a national British treasure.” Even Dame Judi Dench is a fan. It’s wonderfully rhythmic and dull. It takes you to faraway places and describes weather patterns you can’t comprehend. That’s the point. Before you know it, you will be fast asleep.

Get Sleepy

This podcast is my cure for jet lag. I listen to the velvety-voiced Thomas Jones tell comforting bedtime stories to calm my unquiet mind. They are the equivalent of warm cookies and milk before bed. I queue up a few in a row but most of the time fall asleep within the first 15 minutes. Dreamy Views of Florence is one of my favorites.

One more thing to try…

Whatever you do, don’t fall asleep. If worrying about not sleeping is what keeps you up at night, try paradoxical intention. Paradoxical intention reduces performance anxiety about falling asleep by instructing patients to do the opposite — get into bed and stay awake. When we engage in our most feared behavior (i.e. staying awake), excessive stress about nodding off diminishes.

Sweet Dreams.

“In a relationship, each person should support the other; they should lift each other up,” says the ever-enlightened Taylor Swift. Of course, elevating and supporting each other is an essential ingredient of any healthy relationship. Sometimes our good intentions end up making the situation worse.

Wake Forest University communications professor Jennifer Priem’s research focuses on the connection between supportive actions and physiological signs of stress reduction. Her work sheds light on the specific behaviors that provide high quality comforting. When a person is stressed and in fight or flight mode, the stress hormone cortisol floods the system. Using saliva samples, Priem determines changes in stress by measuring the rise and fall of cortisol levels that follow an interaction with a loved one.

According to her findings, here are three features of communication that provide high quality comforting:

1. Validate their experience

Even if — actually, especially if — you think they are making a mountain out of a molehill, the person still needs to feel supported. Telling them that the situation is “no big deal” will likely be interpreted as indifference, not reassurance. Acknowledge that they are having a tough time. While well intended, telling the person to “chill out” or “not to worry” minimizes their experiences and definitely won’t dial down cortisol levels.

2. Provide “felt love”

Non-verbal forms of communication speak volumes. Give the person your full attention. Put your phone away. Make eye contact. Give them a hug. These little gestures are powerful cortisol reducers. As best-selling writer and psychologist Andrew Solomon observed, “Most of the people who get out of depression are the ones who know they are loved.”

3. Listen deeply

Before offering any words of wisdom, hear them out. Resist the urge to interrupt, cheer them up, or to tell them they are overreacting (see #1 above). Hold off on giving advice unless they specifically ask for it. Instead of assuming you know what’s best or have all the answers, follow their lead.

Alas, wanting to be supportive does not always translate into good support. Good support is only good if the person on the receiving end perceives it to be good. Try not to take anything too personally in these moments—when people are stressed, they may not be at their best. So be flexible and forgiving.

Poet David Whyte explains what it really means to show up for another:

But no matter the medicinal virtues of being a true friend or sustaining a long close relationship with another, the ultimate touchstone of friendship is not improvement, neither of the other nor the self, the ultimate touchstone is witness, the privilege of having been seen by someone and the equal privilege of being granted the sight of the essence of another, to have walked with them and to have believed in them, and sometimes just to have accompanied them for however brief a span, on a journey impossible to accomplish alone.

While it’s nice to be a rainbow in someone’s cloud, bearing witness and letting them know they are not alone are the essence of high quality comforting.

When I meet a patient for the first time, I always ask about what they hope to achieve in therapy. Of course, therapy is a process, not an outcome, and as the process unspools, goals sometimes shift or morph into something else entirely. “My hope is to salvage my relationship with my partner,” might become “My hope is for our relationship to end with mutual respect and dignity.”

While some goals evolve, a persistent and enduring wish, in my experience, is the longing to feel centered. Feeling centered conjures confidence, calmness, and a sense of control over one’s emotions. It is the opposite of feeling “adrift,” or “un-moored” or “frantic” or any other experience that conjures a lack of equanamity.

While one might assume that the most reliable way to get centered is to focus on oneself, think again. Counterintuitively, research shows that decentering—separating one’s thoughts from one’s feelings—is the key. Decentering entails stepping outside of one’s immediate experience and shifting perspective. Rather than seeing one aspect of a situation, decentering expands our point of view and allows us to see multiple points of view.

The paradox of decentering is not self-focus but finding ways to get out of your own head. Here are five data-driven decentering strategies.

1. Be a Fly on the Wall

In the heat of the moment one of the worst things to do is what comes naturally to many of us. We immerse ourselves in our emotions and fixate on what’s bothering us. This response is like putting gasoline on a fire. It fuels the flame by keeping upsetting thoughts front and center. Research offers a simple strategy to cool these hot emotions. When someone upsets you, pretend you are a fly on the wall, viewing the situation from a distance. The process of mentally stepping back from an experience and seeing it as separate from itself and through the eyes of an outside objective observer will protect you from feeling emotionally askew.

2. Separate Yourself From Your Negative Thoughts

Use your words to create some distance between you and your critical self. For instance, if the thought is “I’m useless,” add the phrase, “I’m having the thought that I’m useless.” To create even more distance, take another mental step back with the phrase “I notice I’m having the thought that … I’m useless.” The goal is to see these negative thoughts as what they are—just thoughts—and as a result, lessen their power over you.

3. Zoom Out

Think of yourself and your situation, then zoom out and see it from the sky—see your house and the street you live on. Then zoom out further and see the city and the country underneath the clouds. Then zoom our further and see the Earth spinning round. Then zoom out further and see the solar system, and then the whole galaxy of the Milky Way, and then thousands and thousands of galaxies, containing billions and billions of stars and planets. Look around you, at the expanse of the universe, glittering with light and energy. This view from above, adapted from Philosophy For Life, helps keep perspective on the ground.

4. Fast Forward

Imagining what your future self might think about a current stressful situation reduces the emotional toll of the present. For example, as upsetting as an interaction with a difficult coworker might be today, imagine how you will think about it six months from now. When viewed through the lens of a future self, emotional challenges feel less permanent and less personal. Plus, recognizing the transitory nature of our thoughts lessens the distress they cause.

5. Be Your Own BFF

When you’re feeling off-balance, consider how you would advise a friend who was in the same predicament. Research shows that this technique promotes clearer thinking about one’s own issues. It is also linked with cultivating greater humility and awareness of one’s own shortcomings, and with feeling greater appreciation for another person’s point of view.

Self-immersion might seem like the most logical path for feeling centered but the opposite turns out to be true. People who decenter more frequently are less likely to get stuck in distressing emotional experiences and their negative thoughts don’t linger as long as they do for those who don’t.

Bottom Line: We all get self-centered at times. The key is to find ways to decenter.

Like many jaded New Yorkers, Dolly Faibyshev had stopped noticing her surroundings. The skyscrapers no longer impressed her and the bright lights no longer made her starry-eyed. The hustle and bustle that had once enlivened her had since become background noise. Fascinated by the energy and enthusiasm of tourists who visited the city each day, she decided to channel someone visiting it for the first time so she could reclaim that original sense of awe and wonder. Like every self-respecting first time tourist she visited all the must-see sights like the Empire State Building, Broadway, and the Statue of Liberty with a camera in hand.

Rather than a nuisance, tourists became a source of inspiration for Faibyshev. She embraced them as novices “whose energy she could feed and from whose untarnished perspectives she could learn.” From Faibyshev’s ventures as a tourist, her wildly successful photography project “I Love New York” was born. Adopting the perspective of someone new to the city enabled her to rediscover the joy of seeing it for the first time.

Image: Dolly Faibyshev

Like Faibyshev, we are all vulnerable to habituation—the process of growing accustomed to our situation and surroundings. Novelty wears off; what is fresh grows stale; beauty no longer captivates. Essentially, we stop noticing what is around us. Of course, habituation can be a positive development. Thank goodness the strong smell of your co-worker’s cologne or the sound of a barking dog no longer bugs you. Apparently my dogs bark a lot but thanks to habituation, I no longer hear it. Yelping dogs aside, how do we resist habituating to positive experiences? How do we rediscover the joy and wonder of seeing something with fresh eyes?

To address this question, Associate Professor Clayton Critcher of Berkeley along with Minah Jung and Fausto Gonzalez from New York University, found that a relatively simple intervention can do the trick. Participants in their study who were asked to imagine an experience through somebody else’s eyes were able to recapture their original appreciation and stall the process of habituation. For example, in one of the experiments, participants were shown the same short video clip of a comedian doing standup. Predictably, ratings of how funny the clip was dropped with each successive viewing. However, the group that was asked to consider what somebody seeing the clip for the first time might see continued to find it funny.

Psychologists call this refreshing experience of seeing the world with fresh eyes the vicarious construal effect (VCE). Interestingly, VCE can even promote appreciation for experiences that people have no prior connection to or interest in. In one experiment, participants watched short clips of Japanese anime. A subset who admittedly had no interest in anime was asked to look for what an anime fan might enjoy about the clip. Adopting the perspective of a Japanese anime fan boosted participants’ appreciation of the clip. Fascinatingly, the result even held for an experiment that showed non-Spanish speaking participants a Spanish dubbed clip of the hit show, Friends. Those who were asked to consider what a Spanish-speaking fan might enjoy about the clip liked it more themselves. While I doubt this technique can be used to convince someone who doesn’t like horror movies or camping to suddenly become a convert, I do believe that it can open our minds.

As a psychiatrist, I have found that the most effective way to help someone shift their emotional response to a given situation is not to dwell on trying to change their own mind but rather to try and understand someone else’s perspective. When we put ourselves in someone else’s shoes, as Dolly Faibyshev did, our thinking broadens and our world expands. Seeing things through someone else’s eyes gives us an opportunity to “re-see” our own experiences and capture appreciation for what we have lost or never had to begin with.

W.B. Yeats said, “The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — Now you know how to sharpen your sense of wonder.

The heartbreak in Nashville is unimaginable. “Unfathomable” is the word that keeps coming to mind. Merriam-Webster defines “unfathomable” as not being capable of being fathomed, immeasurable, impossible to comprehend. As a psychiatrist, I wish I had some way to help make sense of these senseless tragedies, some therapeutic tools to offer, some deep insight to share, some data driven wisdom about the grieving process, some promised silver lining, or at least some comfort for these shattered families. But there are no words. There is no blueprint for grief of any kind. All I know is that telling people how to grieve or insisting that they talk about their feelings is not the answer.

When something horrible occurs, crisis counselors are often summoned to conduct what is known as a psychological debriefing. Psychological debriefing is a crisis intervention designed to alleviate immediate distress and prevent post-traumatic psychopathology following an exposure to a traumatic event. A typical debriefing session occurs in a small group setting and is led by a counselor or facilitator. Over the course of three to four hours, the leader encourages the trauma-exposed individuals to go around the room and talk about their thoughts, feelings and reactions to the incident. What aspects of the situation cause you the most pain? What was the worst part of the event for you personally? are typical questions participants are expected to answer. A core aspect of debriefing is sharing emotions and distress with participants going through a similar experience.

While well intended, there is no evidence that debriefing interventions actually work. In fact, there is reason to believe that a debriefing session may do more harm than good. As George Bonanno, professor of psychology at Columbia University, observed in a research article in the American Psychologist, “Growing evidence shows that global applications of psychological debriefing are ineffective and can impede natural recovery processes.” It’s possible that asking people to talk about their emotional experience too soon may make them feel even worse. They might begin to worry that something is wrong with them. Moreover, listening to the heartbreaking stories of the others in the group may be comforting. It may also be further traumatizing.

I sometimes worry that we have over-professionalized distress and over-pathologized how people respond to trauma. A few years ago, I attended a talk given by a man who was severely burned during the 9/11 attack on the World Trade Center. He had been in an elevator in the north tower when the first flight crashed into the building and was engulfed in flames as a ball of fuel tunneled down the elevator shaft. The last thing he remembered was a nurse removing his wedding band from his swollen ring finger in the emergency room. Two months later he awoke from a medically induced coma in the burn unit. In addition to being in terrible physical pain, disfiguring scars, and disability, he learned of the tragedy of 9/11, including the loss of close friends and co-workers. He recalled being angry, upset, and deeply sad. A few days later a psychiatrist arrived at his bedside, suggesting they talk about his trauma and asking him if he was depressed. At this point, he looked up from his notes and stepped back from the podium: “If there are any psychiatrists in this room, please stop asking people who have been through hell to talk about their trauma and if they are depressed? Of course we’re f****** traumatized and depressed.” I cringed. How often had I been that psychiatrist, convinced that my clinical interventions were necessary to help someone navigate the unthinkable.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Bereavement is no place for finger-wagging or “shoulds.” Of course, self-care and seeking social support are beneficial but processing loss is personal and can get messy. We have all heard about the five stages of grief: denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and acceptance. While this model provides a neat and tidy conceptual framework, even Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, the model’s creator, never argued that bereavement was a linear process or unfolded in a steady progression. Dr. Bonanno coined the term “coping ugly” to underscore the reality that grief takes many forms and countless paths, some of which may seem counterintuitive. According to Bonanno, coping in ways that appear awkward or unhealthy on the surface may help an individual feel better. Having a few glasses of wine or a few beers may be just what the person needs. Holding onto anger may be a source of comfort and not something to let go of. Who’s to say what “normal grief” should look like?

Talking is good but when and with whom should be up to the individual. Not everyone wants to speak to a professional and that’s okay. As Dr. Simon Wessley, professor of psychiatry at King’s College in London, argues:

We live in a country awash in grief. It is said that every death leaves approximately 9 people bereaved. Gun violence, COVID-19, and deaths of despair compound our collective mourning. In my experience, there is no “moving on” after unspeakable loss but is is possible to move forward with the support of friends, family, and community.

What helps loved ones who are going through hell? Showing up. Bearing witness. Listening. Sometimes there are no words but there are always ways to show love.

“So much for my New Year’s resolution to eat healthy,” lamented my friend as she polished off a bag of M&Ms. If any of the virtuous goals you set at the beginning of the year have fallen by the wayside, research shows that the beginning of spring is a great time to turn the page and begin again. According to a study entitled The Fresh Start Effect: Temporal Landmarks Motivate Aspirational Behavior, special occasions that demarcate the passage of time — think birthdays, the start of a new semester, and the beginning of a new season — are ideal moments to make positive changes because this is when motivation kicks into high gear.

The theory underlying the fresh start effect is that these symbolic landmarks create new “mental accounting periods” in which we relegate past imperfections to a previous period, essentially letting bygones be bygones. Think of these meaningful periods as opportunities for a blank slate or a “do over.” Transitions like the beginning of spring are a gift because they allow us to turn over a new leaf (pun intended) and leave our past M&M-inhaling self behind. At the same time, they remind us to reconnect with our good intentions and to behave in line with a new positive self, perhaps a carrot-snacking one. Additionally, closing one chapter and opening a new one invites us to step back from the minutiae of our daily lives. Plenty of research shows that big-picture thinking is associated with renewed motivation and goal commitment.

I believe that the secret sauce of these landmark moments is that they highlight the gap between our current behavior and the potential of behaving in a way that aligns with our values. What could be a more powerful reminder of the possibility of renewal than the beginning of spring? I went for a walk in Central Park yesterday and while it is still chilly, spring is definitely in the air. The sun feels warmer, flowers are blooming, and birds are chirping. Spring isn’t just a time of year, it’s a state of mind. As Harriet Ann Jacobs wrote, “when nature resumes her loveliness, the human soul is apt to revive also.” Seeing nature in bloom is inherently optimistic. Even Emily Dickinson, not known for her sunny outlook, was inspired by this time of year.

“A Light exists in Spring

Not present on the Year

At any other period —

When March is scarcely here…”

Spring is the psychological equivalent of a refresh button. Take advantage of this new beginning and use it as an opportunity to reconnect with your goals and values.

Of course, there are countless fresh start opportunities throughout the year. Every Monday or even tomorrow is a chance to begin again. What’s important is that you see the moment as a fresh start. As Harvard Business School professor Francesca Gino wrote in Scientific American, be strategic about when to initiate changes because timing matters. “We feel more motivated and empowered to work hard toward reaching our goals when we feel like our past failures are behind us, and our future success is ahead of us.”

If spring makes your heart sing, capitalize on this moment to revisit your commitments and what you care about.