Does the thought of making small talk fill you with dread? You’re not alone. Most people dislike idle chitchat because it feels fake and like a waste of time. We can all agree that talking about the weather is not interesting unless you are speaking to a meteorologist and a hurricane is on the way.

Contrary to conventional advice to “keep it light,” studies show that people prefer having deeper and more meaningful discussions. Moreover, engaging in substantive conversations is linked with greater happiness and well-being.

There are two main explanations for this—we are meaning-seeking animals and we are social animals. Conversing about our experiences and the world around us enables us to find meaning in our lives. Good conversations also facilitate bonding and a greater connection with the person with whom we are speaking. Simply put, making a point to talk about stuff that matters is a simple way to cultivate happiness.

That said, getting a conversation going is not always easy. On a date, at a dinner party, or even with a loved one, dialogue doesn’t always flow. We have all had awkward experiences when it felt like pulling teeth to get the other person to engage. Equally challenging is feeling “stuck” at a dinner party next to someone who is rambling on about something you have no interest in.

The good news is it doesn’t have to be this way. Consider re-framing the situation. Instead of dwelling on how dull your dinner partner is or how difficult they are to talk to, ask yourself, “What can I learn from them?” Channeling a more open mindset can transform a boring encounter into an interesting one. In a research paper entitled, “With Our Questions We Make the World,” the authors illustrate the power of an open mindset:

Remember, everyone you will ever meet knows something you don’t.

Here are 8 ways to make your conversations more meaningful:

1. Ask What and How Questions.

When you ask a “why” question, chances are you will get a simple answer, but when you ask a “what” question, you explore a person’s underlying motivation. For example, “What do you think happened?” yields a more thoughtful response than, “Why did that happen?” Every question you ask has the potential to narrow or expand the dialogue. “What” questions encourage reflection and convey a genuine interest in the other person’s experience.

2. Channel Curious George.

3. Ask for advice.

4. Avoid your favorite topic.

It’s counterintuitive but makes sense—whether it’s opera or your Shih Tzu—because you will probably end up talking too much and not listening enough. On that note….

5. Talk less and listen more.

Truly listening involves hearing what the person is saying and also paying attention to their non-verbal communication. Respond by paraphrasing and reflecting on the conversation to move it forward—it shows the other person you genuinely care about what they have to say. Try to hit on something the other person is passionate about and then use the following three magic words: “Tell me more.” Encourage elaboration and when the other person asks you a question, respond with more than just the bare bones. You don’t “just” live in New York, you live downtown because you love the West Village. In other words, give the other person some personal (and substantive) information to work with. By all means, resist the temptation to interrupt immediately and hijack the conversation: “Oh you like skiing? Me too! I just came back from a ski trip…”

6. Obey the 20-second rule.

Dr. Mark Goulston, author of Just Listen, provides some practical advice on when to talk and when to zip it. He recommends obeying the Traffic Light Rule:

“In the first 20 seconds of talking, your light is green: your listener is liking you, as long as your statement is relevant to the conversation and hopefully in service of the other person. But unless you are an extremely gifted raconteur, people who talk for more than roughly half-minute at a time are boring and often perceived as too chatty. So the light turns yellow for the next 20 seconds—now the risk is increasing that the other person is beginning to lose interest or think you’re long-winded. At the 40-second mark, your light is red. Yes, there’s an occasional time you want to run that red light and keep talking, but the vast majority of the time, you’d better stop or you’re in danger.”

7. Your body says it all.

Body language cues like eye contact (and not looking over their shoulder) and sincere nodding communicate interest. Smile, uncross your arms, pay attention. Nothing kills a pleasant conversation like feeling the other person doesn’t care about what you’re saying.

8. Lose the phone.

A 2014 study, called “The iPhone Effect,” demonstrated how the mere presence of a phone can ruin a conversation. The quality and substance of a conversation were rated as less fulfilling when compared to a conversation that took place in the absence of a mobile device. Leave it in your pocket or in your handbag and never place it on the table. If you are expecting an important email from your boss, let the other person know. Create a special notification. At least they will know you are not mindlessly thumbing through Instagram.

Talking about stuff that matters is good for you and good for the person you are chatting with. Try to have at least five substantive conversations a week—not only will they boost your spirits, they will open your mind.

Fran Lebowitz probably says it best: “Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.”

For as long as I have been practicing psychiatry, helping patients navigate the stress of the holidays has been a primary focus during the months of November and December. For many, the most wonderful time of the year actually turns out to be the most stressful time of the year. Awkward office holiday parties, the burden of family rituals, and unrealistic expectations coupled with the pressure to be merry contribute to holiday woes.

Before my kids could even talk, I was telling them to say thank you. I must have sounded like a broken record.

🗣️ Say thank you to Daddy for the bedtime story.

🗣️ Say thank you to Aunt Serena for the winged pajamas.

🗣️ Say thank you to Charlie for bringing your bottle.

It’s a small wonder that they didn’t rise up out of their cribs and try to shove one of their stuffed animals in my mouth to keep me quiet.

In addition to having good manners, I hoped they would internalize the importance of expressing gratitude. It took me a while to realize that there is a vast gap between mindlessly uttering the words “thank you” and actually being grateful.

Alas, mindless gratitude is not gratitude at all. When saying “thank you” becomes an automatic response to thankless interactions like a police officer handing you an undeserved parking ticket or a telemarketer interrupting dinner, you know it’s an empty phrase. Not so long ago, I caught myself thanking Amazon’s Alexa for giving me the weather. For the record, she did respond, “you’re welcome.”

How can we make gratitude a habit without it becoming habituated? How can we raise grateful children? How do we express genuine gratitude for a present? Psychologist Andrea Hussong from the University of North Carolina Chapel Hill explores gratitude beyond good manners. In an interview with the Harvard School of Education, she describes a strategy to help boost gratitude and that may be especially useful for anyone who struggles with writing thank you notes.

According to Hussong, the key is to look for the gift beyond the gift. Rather than focusing on the actual object, consider what the giver’s intention was. Reflect on the effort and thoughtfulness that went into it. Hussong’s work focuses primarily on children but has applications for us all.

Here is Hussong describing the process for finding the gift behind the gift:

There is a lot more to gratitude than being thankful for what you have been given. In a Harvard Business Review article, “Stop Making Gratitude All About You,” Professor Heidi Grant Halvorson captures what so many of us get wrong about gratitude:

Recent research suggests that people often make a critical mistake when expressing gratitude: They focus on how they feel — how happy they are, how they have benefitted from the help — rather than focusing on the benefactor.

Halvorson’s research found that those who expressed gratitude towards another person had stronger and more loving relationships than those who focused on the benefits to themselves. In other words, if your partner sends you flowers today, you can think to yourself about how receiving flowers makes you really happy or you can channel your inner gratitude towards your partner by actively saying or doing something that acknowledges how awesome your partner is.

Many people keep gratitude to themselves. They feel it but don’t express it. They assume the other person already knows how much they are appreciated or they worry about finding the right words to say what they want to say.

Putting pen to paper or sending a thank you email may seem unnecessary or feel awkward but it’s definitely worth it. According to a recent study, we systematically underestimate how uncomfortable expressions of gratitude might make someone feel. Misunderstanding the consequences of saying thanks keeps us from engaging in a simple action that would make us and someone else a little happier. The conclusion of a study is crystal clear: every time we don’t express gratitude, we are missing an opportunity to give others and ourselves a boost.

Gertrude Stein famously said, “Silent gratitude isn’t very much to anyone.” She was right. Say it. Write it. Express it somehow. Whatever you do, please don’t keep it to yourself.

Thanksgiving is just around the corner. Here are a few tips to help you and your family keep the peace and make the most of the holiday:

1. Be clear-eyed

Manage expectations. It’s nice to have high hopes for the holidays but be realistic. There is no such thing as the perfect holiday. Aim for good enough.

2. Be picky

Choose carefully what you say “yes” to. There is a difference between events you want to attend and events you feel like you have to attend. Don’t be afraid to say, “Thank you for thinking of me. Unfortunately, I cannot make it.” If you are feeling particularly stuffed socially, having an exit strategy works wonders.

3. Find common ground

A family dinner is not the time to change someone’s mind. If heated debates about politics, money, religion, or any other contentious topics are inevitable with friends and family this holiday season, beware of persuasion fatigue. Set aside differences. Focus on what you have in common. There are so many other things to talk about.

4. Sit at a round table

If you would like to keep the peace, take a page from King Arthur’s book and sit at a circular table. Research shows that people seated at a round table—as opposed to a rectangular or square one—get along better and are less likely to bicker.

5. Turkey tastes better when shared

We are social creatures and our wellbeing—both physical and mental—depends on our connections. Reach out to someone who may be on their own this Thanksgiving. Don’t assume everyone has plans. Extending an invitation and including them in your tradition will make the meal merrier. As studies show, food and wine taste better when shared.

6. Go deep

Stop worrying about making better small talk, it’s deep conversations that make us feel whole. Studies show that people prefer meaningful conversation to chitchat about the weather. Plus, deep talk will help you veer the conversation away from the minefield of politics. Some of my favorite conversation starters include:

• Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
• If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
• What is the one thing you couldn’t live without?

7. Go for a walk

‘Tis not the season to be a couch potato. Just a short stroll (15 minutes does the trick) can boost your mood and reduce stress. If you live in colder climates, walking in a winter wonderland is especially mood-enhancing. Plus, being outdoors will also help improve sleep quality.

8. Lose the phone

Just the sight of a phone—yours or someone else’s—is enough to undermine the quality of a conversation. You will have a better holiday if you put your phone away.

I wish you and your loved ones a happy and healthy Thanksgiving.

And if all else fails, remember, “There’s always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it’s just not being a turkey.”

“Take it easy for a few days.” My doctor’s instructions were straightforward. I had just had a lumbar puncture and was supposed to chill out for 48 hours. “Getting enough sleep will help you recover. Rest when you feel tired,” explained the discharge summary. I understand the importance of sleep. Rest, however, is a more elusive concept. Does it refer to the mind, the body, or both? Put simply, what does it really mean to “take it easy?”

Research on rest is hard to come by because it is hard to pin down. Claudia Hammond, a psychology professor at the University of Sussex defines rest as “an activity that is restorative, intentional, relaxing.” In 2016, more than 18,000 people responded to a survey called The Rest Test which asked them how they unwind. The top answer was reading. Walking, taking a bath, and daydreaming were in the top ten.

Whether an activity is restful is in the eye of the beholder. For instance, reading might be a salve for one person but for a student preparing to sit for the Bar exam, it might be the exact opposite. Spinning class is my friend Marjorie’s favorite way to decompress. It is my version of hell.

Rethinking resilience

When we talk about mentally strong people, we typically focus on how productive and focused they are. As Shawn Achor and Michelle Gielan described in the Harvard Business Review:

We often take a militaristic, “tough” approach to resilience and grit. We imagine a Marine slogging through the mud, a boxer going one more round, or a football player picking himself up off the turf for one more play. We believe that the longer we tough it out, the tougher we are, and therefore the more successful we will be. However this entire conception is scientifically inaccurate. The very lack of a recovery period is dramatically holding back our collective ability to be resilient and successful.

Setting aside time to recover and rest might seem antithetical to modern life, but failing to do so can leave us emotionally and physically depleted. A recent article in The New Yorker entitled Why Are We So Bad At Getting Better? explores the perils of powering through instead of powering down:

After an infection, a surgery, or a panic attack, patients increasingly feel that they need “permission to recover,” and treat convalescence less as a chance to heal than as something to get over with. And, when we prize efficiency over recovery, we risk ending up with less of both.

I cannot help but think that bed rotting, the new trend sweeping TikTok which involves lounging in bed for extended periods of time—not to sleep but to do passive activities—is a reaction to the lack of downtime in our lives. Every once in a while, it’s possible that bed rotting might be restorative but I would caution against it as a go-to strategy to unwind. While lounging in bed all weekend may sound appealing at the end of a long work week, people often say they feel even more drained when they spend their time in mind-numbing passive activities. While lounging in bed may be just what the doctor ordered when recovering from illness or a surgical procedure, I do not think of it as an example of “an activity that is restorative, intentional, relaxing.”

What are you waiting for?

Many of us look to weekends, vacations and holidays as the best chance to recover from the daily grind but research shows that if we want to feel better, building regular downtime into our everyday lives is a more effective strategy. People tend to postpone breaks as a reward for when a task is complete but studies show that incorporating regular “microbreaks” (10 minutes is enough) from demanding activities restores vigor and reduces fatigue. The key is to completely detach from the work you are doing and to engage in a revitalizing activity. Note to self: that does not mean scrolling through social media.

Here are 6 ways to find rest every day:

1. DETACH. Distance yourself from negative and stressful thoughts

2. RELAX. Take time to chill out and get away from the task at hand

3. DECIDE. Be deliberate about how you spend your time

4. EXPAND. Stretch your mind or body

5. ADD VALUE. Do something that is personally meaningful

6. CONNECT. Engage deeply with others

All too often we misjudge what will replenish us or fortify us. There is a lot we can’t control in our lives but we can be deliberate about how we spend our downtime. I recommend choosing activities that oxygenate the mind and body.

Bottom Line: Every day may not be relaxing, but try to find micro-moments to relax every day.

One of the best parts of my job is getting to hear what’s on your mind. Below are answers to three questions I am asked almost every day from patients, family, friends, and this community.

What are the best ways to manage stress?

When the world feels upside down, focus on what you CAN control. What time are you going to bed? Are you engaging in activities that make you feel strong? Are you glued to the news? It’s healthy to talk about what’s going on but remember to talk about other topics as well. Above all, reach out, connect, and be there for each other. The choices you make on a daily basis are the most reliable ways to navigate stressful times.

How do you balance being informed and tuning into the news without letting it completely overwhelm you?

Let’s face it – the news these days is bleak and it’s hard not to become upset or outraged or both. Constantly refreshing your feed, scrolling for more information, or watching your favorite news channel on a loop may give the impression that you’re in the know but actually the opposite is true. Following a breaking event may make you feel more involved but will not make you more informed.

The trick here is to optimize how, when, and from where you’re going to get your news. Here are some strategies anyone can use to keep up without burning out:

Be picky. Designate a time—either once or twice a day—to get your news fix from an established source.

Follow the facts. Skip commentary and media that predict what might happen. Listening to so-called experts weigh in on the future is basically glorified gossip. Read or watch stories that intelligently present digested and reliable information about what happened. Ignore the rest, it’s just noise.

Replace doom scrolling with delight hunting. Be deliberate about generating positive emotions every single day and especially on bad news days. Research shows that the best way not to feel overwhelmed or paralyzed by the barrage of negativity is to counterbalance it with uplifts.

Bottom line: Think of your attention as a flashlight. Where do you want to shine it?

How do we speak to our children about world crises?

When it comes to difficult emotions surrounding world crises, how you talk to your children matters almost as much as what you are talking about. Here are some guidelines that might be helpful:

Take a deep breath. Before engaging your child in conversation about a difficult topic, do your best to be in a calm head space. Your emotions and body language will speak volumes to them. Kids mirror our reactions.

Listen more than you talk. Find out what they know and what their concerns are. Their worries might be quite different from yours, depending on their age, what their friends are talking about, and what they have seen on social media.  Be honest but avoid details, especially with younger kids.

It’s okay to say “I don’t know.” 

I have always found that the most honest conversations take place in the car or walking side by side. Kids are more likely to open up when they are next to you (or behind you in the car), not across from you.

Explore nuance when possible. Resist binary thinking–we miss a lot when we divide  the world between good and bad.

Pay attention to small positive moments in the day. We so easily give our attention away to mindless activities, negative news, and draining social media. Reclaim it. Clock the good moments. Share them. Savor them.

As Mr. Rogers said, Look for the helpers. What are the positive actions your child or your family can take? The act of contributing to something can bring great comfort.

What else is on your mind?

What other questions do you have about countering stress and cultivating wellbeing? Please submit your questions—either in the comments below or by sending me a message. All answers, as always, will be backed by science and research.