I should have done that differently.I should do that tomorrow.
Ever notice how much “shoulds” there are in your life? When talking about the past, ‘shoulds’ are filled with regret (I should have done that differently), and take their toll. When thinking about the future, ‘shoulds’ hang over us like heavy clouds bursting with pressure, obligation and resentment.
The moment you hear yourself say ‘should,’ or even think it, pause, reflect and rephrase. Instead of ‘should’ try:
Next time I will…
I plan to…
I look forward to…
Make decisions based on what you want and according to your values, not self-imposed measures of how you should be spending your time and energy.
Stop ‘should-ing’ on yourself and others. I think of should as a four letter word, so banish it from your vocabulary.
The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.
A scientific addendum to that should be that if you live with purpose, you are more likely to be happy.
Study after study shows the importance of having a sense of purpose. Having a direction and an overarching meaning in life helps you live longer, buffers against setbacks, and is linked with wellbeing.
In theory this is great, but in reality most people aren’t born knowing what they want to do with their lives. An article by author Mark Manson highlights the problem and offers a solution:
Chances are you have no clue what you want to do. It’s a struggle almost every adult goes through several times. “What do I want to do with my life?” “What am I passionate about?” Part of the problem is the concept of “life purpose” itself. The idea that we were each born for some higher purpose and it’s now our cosmic mission to find it.
Manson recommendsre-framing the question and thinking about purpose in a more manageable way. So when people ask, “What should I do with my life?” they should really ask “What can I do with my time that is important?”
He lists five questions to help figure out what matters most to you and how to add more meaning to your life:
1. What are you willing to struggle for?
Fulfillment involves effort, trial-and-error, failure and learning.
2. What did your eight-year-old self love doing?
Remember the joy of doing things for the fun of it? No rewards, no impressing anyone, just for yourself.
3. What makes you forget to eat?
When are you are so immersed in an activity that time passes without you realizing? Psychologist call this flow.
4. How are you going to save the world?
You may not end world hunger, but you can make a difference. Instead of focusing too much on finding yourself, lose yourself in something larger.
5. If you knew you were going to die one year from today, what would you do and how would you want to be remembered?
How do you really want to spend your time? What do you want your legacy to be?
Manson concludes that discovering one’s purpose in life essentially boils down to finding those one or two things that are bigger than yourself and bigger than those around you. And to find them you must get off your couch and act, take the time to think beyond yourself, to think greater than yourself, and paradoxically, to imagine a world without yourself.
When someone visits a psychiatrist for the first time, it’s usually at an inflection point. Something big has happened, is happening or is about to happen. Helping patients navigate their way through this transition is the goal.
For the past 10 years, Experience Corpshas trained thousands of people over the age of 55 to tutor children in public schools across the country. The goal of the program is to support students in need, and the results are promising. Research shows that the program significantly boosts academic performance and enhances learning.
While it may seem like this is just about the kids, it’s not. They’re not the only ones benefiting from the program. An unexpected side effect is the positive impact on the volunteers. Studies show improvement in both the mental health and physical functioning of the volunteers, including mobility, stamina, and flexibility. In addition, they reported more physical activity, larger social networks, and higher self-esteem. They show improvement in memory and executive functioning too. The increase in social ties and engagement in the community—a key measure of wellbeing in older adults—is noteworthy.
Perhaps most important of all is the fact that 86 percent say their lives improved because of the program. A renewed sense of purpose in life lies at the heart of these improvements.
In his TED talk, “Should you live for your résumé or your eulogy?”, David Brooks captures the essential role of having a sense of purpose:
You have to give to receive. You have to surrender to something outside yourself to gain strength within yourself. You have to conquer the desire to get what you want. In order to fulfill yourself, you have to forget yourself. In order to find yourself, you have to lose yourself.
People that have a purpose in life are 2.4 times less likely to die from Alzheimer’s Disease, less likely to have a heart attack, and more likely to have good sex. Having a purpose can also help repair our DNA, potentially promoting a longer life.
As doctors, we spend so much time lecturing people about disease and the onslaught of aging, but maybe we should be thinking about teaching them to have purpose in life. Instead of waiting for people to get sick and prescribing medication, Strecher asks:
What if doctors had a prescription pad that just helped people develop greater purpose in life?
