While it might be human to make mistakes, we are often reluctant to admit to them. When it comes to taking responsibility, we waffle, come up with excuses, or point the finger at someone else.

Avoidance and denial are frequently the default response. We worry that admitting we were wrong will damage our reputation, diminish our standing, and perhaps even raise questions about our character. But research suggests this is not the case at all. In fact, acknowledging mistakes increases forgiveness and enhances perceptions of intelligence, competence, and decency. A study found that doctors who acknowledged wrongdoing were less likely to get sued.

Along these lines, researchers asked participants to imagine they had been hit by a bicyclist. They compared participants who received no apology or who received a sympathetic apology from the bicyclist — I am so sorry that you were hurt. I really hope that you feel better soon — with those who received a responsibility-accepting apology — I am so sorry that you were hurt. The accident was all my fault. I was going too fast and not watching where I was going until it was too late. Participants who received a full apology felt less anger and more sympathy towards the bicyclist. They were also more willing to forgive the person.

Put simply, saying “I’m sorry” is nice but not enough. Taking responsibility makes a difference for both parties.

Admitting when we are wrong is important in our close relationships too. “Admitters” have healthier connections with their nearest and dearest. When your partner or parent says, “I was wrong,” the process of repair can begin. If you haven’t seen clinical psychologist Becky Kennedy’s Ted Talk on why learning to make amends is the most important skill a parent can have, please watch it. Not only will Kennedy help you find the the language to make things right after losing your temper, she provides the tools to navigate everyday parenting challenges. She also reminds us that it is never too late for a parent to make amends. Here is a blueprint for initiating the process of repair even years later:

Words hold power. The more we talk about what inspires us, the more inspired we become. The more we talk about what diminishes us, the smaller we feel. What we say shapes our expectations, our reality, and our relationships. Language can limit or expand how we think and interact.

Consider the phrases that roll off your tongue. Do they shut others down or invite them to open up? Do they invite or extinguish conversation? Do they promote curiosity or entrench certainty?

Does the thought of making small talk fill you with dread? You’re not alone. Most people dislike idle chitchat because it feels fake and like a waste of time. We can all agree that talking about the weather is not interesting unless you are speaking to a meteorologist and a hurricane is on the way.

Contrary to conventional advice to “keep it light,” studies show that people prefer having deeper and more meaningful discussions. Moreover, engaging in substantive conversations is linked with greater happiness and well-being.

There are two main explanations for this—we are meaning-seeking animals and we are social animals. Conversing about our experiences and the world around us enables us to find meaning in our lives. Good conversations also facilitate bonding and a greater connection with the person with whom we are speaking. Simply put, making a point to talk about stuff that matters is a simple way to cultivate happiness.

That said, getting a conversation going is not always easy. On a date, at a dinner party, or even with a loved one, dialogue doesn’t always flow. We have all had awkward experiences when it felt like pulling teeth to get the other person to engage. Equally challenging is feeling “stuck” at a dinner party next to someone who is rambling on about something you have no interest in.

The good news is it doesn’t have to be this way. Consider re-framing the situation. Instead of dwelling on how dull your dinner partner is or how difficult they are to talk to, ask yourself, “What can I learn from them?” Channeling a more open mindset can transform a boring encounter into an interesting one. In a research paper entitled, “With Our Questions We Make the World,” the authors illustrate the power of an open mindset:

Remember, everyone you will ever meet knows something you don’t.

Here are 8 ways to make your conversations more meaningful:

1. Ask What and How Questions.

When you ask a “why” question, chances are you will get a simple answer, but when you ask a “what” question, you explore a person’s underlying motivation. For example, “What do you think happened?” yields a more thoughtful response than, “Why did that happen?” Every question you ask has the potential to narrow or expand the dialogue. “What” questions encourage reflection and convey a genuine interest in the other person’s experience.

2. Channel Curious George.

3. Ask for advice.

4. Avoid your favorite topic.

It’s counterintuitive but makes sense—whether it’s opera or your Shih Tzu—because you will probably end up talking too much and not listening enough. On that note….

5. Talk less and listen more.

Truly listening involves hearing what the person is saying and also paying attention to their non-verbal communication. Respond by paraphrasing and reflecting on the conversation to move it forward—it shows the other person you genuinely care about what they have to say. Try to hit on something the other person is passionate about and then use the following three magic words: “Tell me more.” Encourage elaboration and when the other person asks you a question, respond with more than just the bare bones. You don’t “just” live in New York, you live downtown because you love the West Village. In other words, give the other person some personal (and substantive) information to work with. By all means, resist the temptation to interrupt immediately and hijack the conversation: “Oh you like skiing? Me too! I just came back from a ski trip…”

6. Obey the 20-second rule.

Dr. Mark Goulston, author of Just Listen, provides some practical advice on when to talk and when to zip it. He recommends obeying the Traffic Light Rule:

“In the first 20 seconds of talking, your light is green: your listener is liking you, as long as your statement is relevant to the conversation and hopefully in service of the other person. But unless you are an extremely gifted raconteur, people who talk for more than roughly half-minute at a time are boring and often perceived as too chatty. So the light turns yellow for the next 20 seconds—now the risk is increasing that the other person is beginning to lose interest or think you’re long-winded. At the 40-second mark, your light is red. Yes, there’s an occasional time you want to run that red light and keep talking, but the vast majority of the time, you’d better stop or you’re in danger.”

7. Your body says it all.

Body language cues like eye contact (and not looking over their shoulder) and sincere nodding communicate interest. Smile, uncross your arms, pay attention. Nothing kills a pleasant conversation like feeling the other person doesn’t care about what you’re saying.

8. Lose the phone.

A 2014 study, called “The iPhone Effect,” demonstrated how the mere presence of a phone can ruin a conversation. The quality and substance of a conversation were rated as less fulfilling when compared to a conversation that took place in the absence of a mobile device. Leave it in your pocket or in your handbag and never place it on the table. If you are expecting an important email from your boss, let the other person know. Create a special notification. At least they will know you are not mindlessly thumbing through Instagram.

Talking about stuff that matters is good for you and good for the person you are chatting with. Try to have at least five substantive conversations a week—not only will they boost your spirits, they will open your mind.

Fran Lebowitz probably says it best: “Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.”

For as long as I have been practicing psychiatry, helping patients navigate the stress of the holidays has been a primary focus during the months of November and December. For many, the most wonderful time of the year actually turns out to be the most stressful time of the year. Awkward office holiday parties, the burden of family rituals, and unrealistic expectations coupled with the pressure to be merry contribute to holiday woes.

Before my kids could even talk, I was telling them to say thank you. I must have sounded like a broken record.

🗣️ Say thank you to Daddy for the bedtime story.

🗣️ Say thank you to Aunt Serena for the winged pajamas.

🗣️ Say thank you to Charlie for bringing your bottle.

It’s a small wonder that they didn’t rise up out of their cribs and try to shove one of their stuffed animals in my mouth to keep me quiet.

In addition to having good manners, I hoped they would internalize the importance of expressing gratitude. It took me a while to realize that there is a vast gap between mindlessly uttering the words “thank you” and actually being grateful.

Alas, mindless gratitude is not gratitude at all. When saying “thank you” becomes an automatic response to thankless interactions like a police officer handing you an undeserved parking ticket or a telemarketer interrupting dinner, you know it’s an empty phrase. Not so long ago, I caught myself thanking Amazon’s Alexa for giving me the weather. For the record, she did respond, “you’re welcome.”

How can we make gratitude a habit without it becoming habituated? How can we raise grateful children? How do we express genuine gratitude for a present? Psychologist Andrea Hussong from the University of North Carolina Chapel Hill explores gratitude beyond good manners. In an interview with the Harvard School of Education, she describes a strategy to help boost gratitude and that may be especially useful for anyone who struggles with writing thank you notes.

According to Hussong, the key is to look for the gift beyond the gift. Rather than focusing on the actual object, consider what the giver’s intention was. Reflect on the effort and thoughtfulness that went into it. Hussong’s work focuses primarily on children but has applications for us all.

Here is Hussong describing the process for finding the gift behind the gift:

There is a lot more to gratitude than being thankful for what you have been given. In a Harvard Business Review article, “Stop Making Gratitude All About You,” Professor Heidi Grant Halvorson captures what so many of us get wrong about gratitude:

Recent research suggests that people often make a critical mistake when expressing gratitude: They focus on how they feel — how happy they are, how they have benefitted from the help — rather than focusing on the benefactor.

Halvorson’s research found that those who expressed gratitude towards another person had stronger and more loving relationships than those who focused on the benefits to themselves. In other words, if your partner sends you flowers today, you can think to yourself about how receiving flowers makes you really happy or you can channel your inner gratitude towards your partner by actively saying or doing something that acknowledges how awesome your partner is.

Many people keep gratitude to themselves. They feel it but don’t express it. They assume the other person already knows how much they are appreciated or they worry about finding the right words to say what they want to say.

Putting pen to paper or sending a thank you email may seem unnecessary or feel awkward but it’s definitely worth it. According to a recent study, we systematically underestimate how uncomfortable expressions of gratitude might make someone feel. Misunderstanding the consequences of saying thanks keeps us from engaging in a simple action that would make us and someone else a little happier. The conclusion of a study is crystal clear: every time we don’t express gratitude, we are missing an opportunity to give others and ourselves a boost.

Gertrude Stein famously said, “Silent gratitude isn’t very much to anyone.” She was right. Say it. Write it. Express it somehow. Whatever you do, please don’t keep it to yourself.

Thanksgiving is just around the corner. Here are a few tips to help you and your family keep the peace and make the most of the holiday:

1. Be clear-eyed

Manage expectations. It’s nice to have high hopes for the holidays but be realistic. There is no such thing as the perfect holiday. Aim for good enough.

2. Be picky

Choose carefully what you say “yes” to. There is a difference between events you want to attend and events you feel like you have to attend. Don’t be afraid to say, “Thank you for thinking of me. Unfortunately, I cannot make it.” If you are feeling particularly stuffed socially, having an exit strategy works wonders.

3. Find common ground

A family dinner is not the time to change someone’s mind. If heated debates about politics, money, religion, or any other contentious topics are inevitable with friends and family this holiday season, beware of persuasion fatigue. Set aside differences. Focus on what you have in common. There are so many other things to talk about.

4. Sit at a round table

If you would like to keep the peace, take a page from King Arthur’s book and sit at a circular table. Research shows that people seated at a round table—as opposed to a rectangular or square one—get along better and are less likely to bicker.

5. Turkey tastes better when shared

We are social creatures and our wellbeing—both physical and mental—depends on our connections. Reach out to someone who may be on their own this Thanksgiving. Don’t assume everyone has plans. Extending an invitation and including them in your tradition will make the meal merrier. As studies show, food and wine taste better when shared.

6. Go deep

Stop worrying about making better small talk, it’s deep conversations that make us feel whole. Studies show that people prefer meaningful conversation to chitchat about the weather. Plus, deep talk will help you veer the conversation away from the minefield of politics. Some of my favorite conversation starters include:

• Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
• If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
• What is the one thing you couldn’t live without?

7. Go for a walk

‘Tis not the season to be a couch potato. Just a short stroll (15 minutes does the trick) can boost your mood and reduce stress. If you live in colder climates, walking in a winter wonderland is especially mood-enhancing. Plus, being outdoors will also help improve sleep quality.

8. Lose the phone

Just the sight of a phone—yours or someone else’s—is enough to undermine the quality of a conversation. You will have a better holiday if you put your phone away.

I wish you and your loved ones a happy and healthy Thanksgiving.

And if all else fails, remember, “There’s always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it’s just not being a turkey.”