Goblin Mode: The Antidote for Perfectionism

So the Word of the Year is goblin mode. According to the Oxford English Dictionary, the selection is “a word or expression reflecting the ethos, mood, or preoccupations of the past twelve months, one that has potential as a term of lasting cultural significance.” Yikes. Lasting cultural significance. Goblin mode is here to stay.

Goblin mode is defined as “a type of behavior which is unapologetically self-indulgent, lazy, slovenly, or greedy, typically in a way that rejects social norms or expectations.” Here is how to use it in a sentence (and in life):

“Goblin mode is like when you wake up at 2am and shuffle into the kitchen wearing nothing but a long T-shirt to make a weird snack, like melted cheese on saltines. It’s about a complete lack of aesthetic. Because why would a goblin care what they look like? Why would a goblin care about presentation?”

— Kari Paul, The Guardian

In a nutshell, goblin mode is letting it all hang out. It’s the opposite of immaculate self-presentation, perfectionism, and self-improvement. In many ways, goblin mode is exactly what we all need sometimes. While “self-indulgent, lazy, slovenly, or greedy” may not be a state of being to aspire to, that is precisely the point. I think of goblin mode as the antidote for the exhausting and relentless messaging of the self-help industrial complex that is constantly telling us that we are not good enough. “Ugly coping” — a close friend of goblin mode — may not boost your productivity but it may be the boost you need.

According to Twitter, when people say “goblin mode” this is what they mean:

Sometimes it’s okay to embrace our inner feral cat. Rather than something to be avoided, lean into goblin mode when necessary. Think of it as a superpower that can help recharge and revitalize you. Remember, it’s a mode and not a permanent state. As explained in The Guardian, it’s not a fixed identity but a frame of mind.

I am not a huge fan of New Year’s resolutions but for those intent on making one, instead of making a radical change or setting an ambitious goal, consider making a few simple changes that enhance rather than punish:

  • Spend more time with family and friends
  • Mobilize your strengths and values
  • Be kinder

Whatever you do, go easy on yourself if you’re having trouble sticking to it. Setbacks are part of the process. New Year’s isn’t the only time to initiate a change.

Bottom Line: If goblin mode is what you need on occasion, so be it. It may be just what the doctor ordered.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

Houseguests Take Note: How Not to Overstay Your Welcome

My parents used to have a pillow with the inscription, “All our guests bring happiness. Some by coming, others by going.” Benjamin Franklin put it more bluntly. “Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days,” he famously observed. Having people to stay can be a lot of fun. It can also be exhausting. Feeding and entertaining guests coupled with sharing space and disrupted routines takes a toll. Not getting enough rest is a major contributor to host and houseguest stress.

survey of 2000 people found that both guests and hosts lose sleep. The researchers found that hosts lose as much as two and a half hours of sleep per night preparing for the arrival of their guests and guests tend to lose sleep too. Noise, sleeping in an unfamiliar bed, and trying to match their sleep schedule make it hard to get a good night’s sleep. Regardless of whether they are hosts or guests, more than a third of those surveyed said that the holidays are the most sleepless time of the year.

For anyone who is worried about overstaying their welcome, the survey found that almost 50 percent of people think that spending four days or more is too long. Alas, perhaps Benjamin Franklin was right with the fish metaphor. The good news is that most guests seem to abide by this unspoken rule. Seventy-nine percent say their guests stayed four nights or less.

For the record, I love having houseguests and am delighted when they spend more than four days. Maybe it’s because I only invite people who follow these three rules:

  1. They do their own thing
  2. They clean up after themselves
  3. They recognize that my dogs are the real hosts

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

Forget Critical Thinking. It’s Critical Ignoring That Will Keep You Sane.

“I feel like I have too many tabs open in my brain,” explained my friend. I can totally relate. At the end of the day, my brain often hurts. I am overwhelmed by the relentless stream of information that begins the moment I look at my phone in the morning until I put it away before going to bed. Some of it is worth attending to — an email about a deadline, a text from my mother, a new study about the psychological effects of morning coffee, an update from a patient, or an article about the war in Ukraine.

But the lion’s share of notifications and announcements don’t deserve a moment of attention … but get it anyway. I sit down to work but instead click on a “breaking news” story with the irresistible title DNA match reunites missing daughter with her family 51 years after she was kidnapped, family says. As the old saying goes, inquiring minds want to know. I read the story and then another about a case of chickenpox that turned out to be Ebola and then another about a one-eyed three-legged cat. Twenty minutes later, I’m still scrolling.

I like to think of myself as someone who has a reasonable amount of self-control but as the day wears on, clickbait often gets the better of me. It’s downright hard not to tumble down the rabbit hole of mind-numbing but curiosity-peaking titles like:

She dragged her plate across the pool. What happened next blew my mind

When you read these 19 shocking food facts, you’ll never want to eat again

He thought it was Bigfoot’s skull, but then experts told him THIS

A new research paper published in Current Directions in Psychological Science offers some hope to help counteract the challenges of attention-grabbing online traps that are not only low-quality but also often full of misinformation. The authors argue that critical ignoring — deliberately and strategically choosing what to disregard and where to invest one’s limited attentional capacities — is an essential life skill for citizens of the digital world. In addition to keeping us informed, critical ignoring can also help us stay sane.

When it comes to recognizing and resisting online manipulation, critical thinking is the skill that typically comes to mind. Defined as “thinking that is purposeful, reasoned, and goal-directed,” critical thinking enables us to search for knowledge by examining it closely and considering it from multiple angles. But when the world comes to us filtered through digital devices, there is no longer a need to decide which information to seek. It’s coming at us whether we like it or not. Spending time and energy considering material that should have been ignored in the first place wastes our time and hijacks valuable cognitive resources. Instead of focusing on critical thinking to protect us, focus on critical ignoring:

Teaching the competence of critical ignoring requires a paradigm shift in educators’ thinking, from a sole focus on the power and promise of paying close attention to an additional emphasis on the power of ignoring. Encouraging students and other online users to embrace critical ignoring can empower them to shield themselves from the excesses, traps, and information disorders of today’s attention economy.

From early on, we are told to pay attention. Learning what to ignore is just as valuable. Here are three tools to help you develop the skills of critical ignoring:

Source: Current Directions in Psychological Science

1. Self-nudging

Low-quality information is “as tempting to the attentional system as junk food is to the taste buds.” The key to limiting these temptations is not motivation or willpower, rather, it entails selecting situations that optimize healthy choices. For instance, if you want to eat fewer M&Ms and more carrots, put the candy in a hard-to-reach place and put the healthy snack on the counter. Similarly, if you want to manage your information diet, set time limits on the use of social media, remove notifications, and consider deactivating the most distracting social media apps. The goal of self-nudging is to take control of your information environment.

2. Lateral Reading

In a digital environment, looks can be deceiving. Slick logos and sophisticated looking websites that appear trustworthy may be anything but. No matter how much critical thinking we deploy, it is not always easy to discern the validity of an article. Reflecting on the content of a questionable source is a waste of time. According to professional fact-checkers, the best strategy for deciding whether or not to believe a source is to engage in lateral reading. Lateral reading entails looking up the author or organization and the claims elsewhere. Instead of dwelling on an unfamiliar site, open new “lateral” tabs to search about the organization or individual behind it. If they sound suspicious, ignore their site and its content.

3. Adopt A Do-Not-Feed-The-Trolls Code of Conduct

An entirely new vocabulary has been invented to describe online harassment and disinformation tactics such as:

  • Flooding – inundating online spaces with a torrent of messages to dominate and disrupt conversation and drown out dissenting voices.
  • Trolling – a form of online harassment that involves posting provocative and inflammatory messages in order to disrupt the conversation and upset other people.
  • JAQing – (‘just asking questions’) is a tactic of disingenuously framing false or misleading statements as questions.
  • Sealioning – a type of trolling and a harassment tactic of pestering participants in online discussions with disingenuous questions and incessant requests for evidence under the guise of sincerity. There is nothing cute about these sea lions.

The most productive response to these taunting tactics is to ignore them. Resisting engaging with these individuals or their claims diminishes their power. Not feeding the trolls involves two key rules:

First, do not respond directly to trolls; do not correct them, engage in debate, retaliate, or troll in response.

Second, instead, block trolls and report them to the platform. Withdrawing the negative engagement they seek lessens their impact and erodes their motivation to engage in anti-social behavior.

Bottom Line: Separate the news from the noise. Learning the skill of critical ignoring will allow you to thoughtfully and deliberately allocate your attentional resources and disregard the rest.

As William James observed, “The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook.”

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

‘Tis the Season for Contentious Dinner Table Conversations: 3 Strategies to Stop Persuasion Fatigue From Gobbling up Your Sanity

‘Tis the season to be merry. For many, ’tis also the season for contentious dinner table conversations. If heated debates about politics, vaccine mandates or any other contentious topics are inevitable with friends and family this holiday season, beware of “persuasion fatigue.” Persuasion fatigue sets in when we attempt to convince someone about something but hit a wall instead. No matter how much logic we deploy, how many facts we cite, or how many examples we use, our audience doesn’t budge. Instead of nodding in agreement, they stare back blankly or, worse, repeat their own position and reject our flawless argument. “What’s wrong with you?” we think to ourselves and sometimes cannot resist saying out loud.

It’s not me, it’s you

According to a recent article by Nathan Ballantyne, associate professor of philosophy, cognition and culture at Arizona State University, in Scientific American, persuasion fatigue is a unique form of social frustration that can cloud our judgment and harm our relationships. When we become frustrated, we tend to blame our conversational opponent rather than acknowledge our own limitations. As Mark Twain once said, “In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane.” The author’s research supports Twain’s observation. He found that people generally reported three times as many reasons why others’ shortcomings led to failed debates rather than their own. Exasperation undermines perspective-taking and unlocks finger-pointing. It makes us super-sensitive to criticism and quick to anger. Over-confidence coupled with contempt is not going to win anyone over, nor is it good for our social connections.

Thankfully there are steps you can take to stop persuasion fatigue from derailing your debates and ruining your relationships:

1. Go for small wins

Don’t be overly ambitious in debate. Rather than seeking unconditional agreement with your opinion, aim for islands of understanding. Seeing eye to eye on major issues is unlikely but it might be possible to find points of consensus. As the author suggests, “Maybe you can’t convince your in-laws to get vaccinated today, but helping them understand the science behind modern vaccine programs may make them more inclined to get the shot in the future.”

2. Consider their values

When making an argument, put yourself in the other person’s shoes. What do they care about? Wrapping your message in terms of their values is far more persuasive than trying to bang them over the head with your morality. Psychologists call this “moral reframing” and have found that the simple act of telling your debate opponent that you respect and understand where they’re coming from may lower their defenses and open them up to a new perspective.

3. Avoid zero-sum thinking

Believing that the only way for you to win is for them to lose will exacerbate persuasion fatigue. As the author points out, “sometimes you’re better off seeing an argument as a collaborative effort to find the truth—less like angry neighbors fighting over their property line and more like a pair of land surveyors. The surveyors map terrain together by viewing it from multiple angles.” Search for middle ground. Keep in mind that everyone knows something you don’t. Ask yourself a humbling question: “Do I know all there is to know here, or could the other person show me something new?”

Bottom Line: If you sense persuasion fatigue kicking in, take a break. Change the topic. There are so many other things to talk about.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

A Booster Shot for Your Relationship

“We’re just going through the motions,” explained Sarah. She was referring to her relationship of nine years. She and her partner loved each other but the daily grind was taking a toll. Young kids, aging parents, and work consumed their lives. They fretted about finances. They discussed who would be picking up the kids and who would be taking her mother-in-law at a doctor’s appointment. They vented to each other about difficult colleagues and deadlines. Conversations were about logistics, not love.

If your relationship feels like it is on auto-pilot, consider Dr. Sara Algoe’s findings that expressing appreciation to one another in everyday moments can revitalize romantic connection. As she describes in a study entitled It’s the little things: Everyday gratitude as a booster shot for romantic relationships, moments of gratitude remind an individual of his or her feelings toward the partner and inspire mutual responsiveness, which serves to increase the bond between the couple:

The little things may make a big difference within the daily lives of individuals in romantic relationships. Gratitude may help to turn “ordinary” moments into opportunities for relationship growth, even in the context of already close, communal relations.

In other words, remembering to say thanks and showing appreciation to one another can counteract the apathy that can occur as a result of relentless daily schedules and relationship numbing routines.

According to Algoe’s find-remind-and-bind theory, the primary function of gratitude is to improve interpersonal connection by helping us:

  1. Notice new positive qualities about our partner (the find function)
  2. Remember what we love about our partner (the remind function)
  3. Strengthen and fortify the connection (the bind function)

The secret sauce of expressions of gratitude is that they impact how we relate to one another. Feeling gratitude towards one’s partner conjures feelings of warmth and love. It’s no surprise that we behave more generously when we feel cared for than when we feel taken for granted or unseen. In turn, when we receive expressions of gratitude from our partner, we feel valued and appreciated. Feeling thankful and being thanked create an upward spiral of responsiveness and connection.

Expressing gratitude to people we are close to can feel awkward. It’s often easier to say thank you to someone we barely know than to someone we love.

Here are a few tips to help get you over the gratitude hump:

1. Pay attention 🔍

Be on the lookout for ordinary gestures of thoughtfulness. As the poet David White says, “Gratitude arises from paying attention, from being awake in the presence of everything that lives within and without us.”

2. Say it out loud 🗣

If you catch yourself thinking something positive about your partner, speak up. Instead of keeping that feeling to yourself, let them know. If they said something interesting or funny, point it out. If you think they look great, give them a compliment. If a warm memory of you together pops into your head, send them a text.

3. Put it in writing ✍️

Writing a note means a lot. A long epistle will certainly be appreciated but a short one works well too. Sarah scribbled, “Thank you for being you” on a Post-It note and left it on the bathroom mirror. Her partner keeps it in his wallet.

4. Act it out 🫶

Express thanks not only in what you say but in what you do. What everyday action can you take to show appreciation for your partner? No flowers or chocolates necessary. Think of ordinary gestures and small favors that show love.

5. Go public 📣

Complaining about our partner to friends might seem like the thing to do but it doesn’t have to be this way. Change the narrative and talk about what you appreciate instead. Reminding yourself about their positive qualities can boost gratitude even when your partner isn’t there to hear what you love about them.

Bottom Line: Grateful couples are more satisfied in their relationships and feel closer to each other. Don’t delay giving your relationship a booster shot.

“Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.” — Marcel Proust

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

Don’t Let the Pebbles Pummel You

Determining whether a person is clinically depressed is not an arbitrary decision. Psychiatrists follow strict guidelines specified by the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) and look for at least five of the following nine symptoms lasting at least two weeks:
  1. Feels depressed most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by subjective report (e.g., feels sad, empty, hopeless) or observation made by others (e.g., appears tearful)
  2. Feels markedly diminished levels of interest or pleasure when engaging in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day (as indicated by subjective account or observation
  3. Significant weight loss when not dieting, or weight gain or decrease, or increase in appetite
  4. Sleep disturbance
  5. Psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day (observable by others, not merely subjective feelings of restlessness or being slowed down)
  6. Fatigue or loss of energy
  7. Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness
  8. Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt nearly every day
  9. Recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide

I include these criteria not only because I want readers to know that depression can manifest in many ways but also to underscore the importance of seeking professional help if they apply to you or a loved one.

Over the years I have diagnosed, hospitalized, and treated many patients with the full range of the symptoms described above. But there are also many who qualify for an “almost diagnosis” — not mentally ill by clinical standards but lacking positive mental health.

When I first opened my private practice, most of the new patients I took on were at an inflection point. They sought help to assess a life-changing decision or to understand a relationship, or they were in the midst of a significant transition, often following a loss. The chronic issues in their daily lives did not take center stage. Today more and more patients come to see me because of the ups and downs in their daily lives. They are feeling worn out and worn down by the daily grind.

Women seem to feel it the most. Almost half of the women surveyed said they frequently experience daily stress, and more than 40 percent said they feel as if they don’t have enough time. Their lives are nonstop, with a to-do list that seems bottomless. Often a lack of vitality only amplifies their stress. Patients often just give up and sigh, “I guess that’s just life.”

The hassles of day-to-day living — the annoying, anxiety-provoking, and frustrating experiences that are embedded into everyday life — are a significant source of stress. Seemingly minor occurrences — an argument with a child or partner, an unexpected work deadline, arriving late for an appointment, missing a train, or dealing with a malfunctioning computer — all contribute. One study’s results indicated that watching the news and losing your cell phone are among the top ten daily events that stress people out. Even a long line at your local coffee shop or not having hot water for your morning shower can be enough to put you in a terrible mood. We know it’s absurd to allow something minor to ruin a minute let alone a day. We try to dismiss these daily irritations as irrelevant or as the “first-world problems” they are. We tell ourselves that they don’t matter in the long run. But they do.

Many assume that major life events like divorce, the death of a spouse, and the loss of a job are the most virulent causes of stress, but a University of California, Berkeley study confirmed that so-called microstressors are the ones we need to watch out for: “[T]hese kinds of stressors have been taken for granted and considered to be less important than more dramatic stressors. Clinical and research data indicate that these ‘micro-stressors’ acting cumulatively, and in the relative absence of compensatory positive experience, can be potent sources of stress.”

The impact of challenges that occur during everyday living on both a person’s physical and mental health cannot be underestimated and are, in fact, better predictors of health than major life events.

To stop the pebbles from pummeling you, these links might be helpful:

How To Be More Optimistic

And, of course, my book
Everyday Vitality is full of strategies and insights for countering stress and building resilience.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman