How much time do you spend on your phone a day? Be honest. Due to a combination of denial and genuine lack of awareness, most of us significantly underestimate our daily phone use. A survey found that the average guess for screen time was 3 hours and 42 minutes per day with 40 pickups of their phone per day. However, the actual average was 5 hours and 42 minutes with 344 pickups per day and that does not include work-related phone use. So much for wishful thinking…

Source: REVIEWS.org

The reality is that many people’s days consist of eating, sleeping, and screens. Time spent scrolling through our phones in and of itself may not be a problem until we consider what we are not doing because we are scrolling through our phones. In addition to the obvious advantages of unplugging—more creativity, greater productivity, better sleep—your social interactions will also benefit. Alain de Botton famously said:

“The challenge of modern relationships: how to prove more interesting than the other’s smartphone.”

Our relationships are the most reliable contributors to our wellbeing and yet our devotion to our devices is eroding the quality and quantity of our social interactions. Conversations are less fulfilling when we are constantly glancing at our phones. Meals are less enjoyable. Food doesn’t taste as good if our dining partner is distracted by their device. We make less eye contact and feel less connected when our phones are within arm’s reach. When our attention is constantly on our devices, we lose sight of what is around us. Along these lines, here is an eye-opening finding: approximately 1 in 2 Americans (49%) believe they can remember the color of a website better than someone’s eye color.

Time Well Spent

In an ideal world, we would all unplug one day a week. As a result, we would feel like we had more time, we would think more deeply and focus on the things and people that matter most. But if unplugging for a day is not realistic, aim to be less plugged in. Ideally reduce social media use to 30 minutes a day. A study found that this can significantly reduce depression and loneliness.

There is no doubt that when we scroll less, we live more. According to a survey, here are the Top Feelings of Unplugging From Tech:

1. Relaxed 🧘 (54%)

2. Content 😌 (31%)

3. Free 🤗 (29%)

4. Happy 😀 (22%)

5. Present 🙋‍♀️ (17%)

Nobody has ever said at the end of their life or at the end of the day, “Oh I wish I had spent more time on my device.” Most of us would like to spend less time on our phones but have trouble actually doing it.

Here are 7 practical tips to close the intention-action gap:

1. Get a non-digital hobby

What makes you forget to look at your phone? Do more of that. Carry a book with you. Replace one habit with another. A study found that replacing social media use with physical activity for just 30 minutes will make you happier and reduce stress.

2. Marie Kondo your phone

Delete apps that don’t spark joy. Unfollow accounts that make you question your self-worth. Less visual clutter reduces temptation to scroll.

3. Take control

Disable notifications. Schedule when and where you are going to check email and social media. Set up a docking station in your home where your phone lives. Make sure that your phone is out of reach at night. Use an old fashioned alarm clock to wake you up in the morning.

4. Build in mini daily detoxes

Leave your phone at home when you do not need it—when getting groceries or going to the gym or going for a walk. During the work day, take real breaks, not phone breaks.

5. Use your voice

If you have something to say, say it out loud. Sixty-one percent have texted someone in the same room as them before! If you are not under the same roof, pick up the phone if you want to connect or express gratitude. Better yet, set up a plan for coffee for a face-to-face interaction.

6. Create inviolable family policies

Have a family meeting and come up with guidelines. The golden rule for my family is absolutely no devices at the dinner table. Other options to consider are no device use after 10pm or before pick up or drop off from school. Don’t be a hypocrite. When children see their parents constantly on the phone, it sends a message about priorities. Model the behavior you want to see in them.

7. Prioritize IRL experiences

Make the choice to put your phone away when you are with another person, be it having dinner, driving somewhere, watching a movie, or going for a walk.

I follow a simple rule:

Be Wherever Your Feet Are.

It reminds me to be wherever I am instead of lost in my phone.

Today is the National Day of Unplugging! I am celebrating at the TODAY Show, explaining how our phones are vampires of vitality, and also sharing strategies we can all use to be less plugged in.

Do you ever get stuck in a mental loop, rehashing what happened, replaying what was said, revisiting the scenario over and over again in your head? This is rumination. Rumination is a persistent and repetitive pattern of self-focused thinking, which includes analyzing reasons for negative mood and failure.

The word rumination comes from the Latin term ruminari and means to chew cud—partially digested food that is regurgitated from the stomach for another round of chewing. In fact, the first stomach compartment of ruminants (cattle, deer, giraffes) is known as the rumen. When we ruminate, we are mentally chewing partially digested thoughts. Essentially it is emotional reflux.

While rumination is not a clinical diagnosis, going over what is bothering you again and again with a fine-tooth comb and scrutinizing every little detail of what has happened or might happen can play a role in the onset and maintenance of depression. In my experience, people are most likely to ruminate in the middle of the night, in the face of a major decision, and when they are stressed out. Since a negative mood leads to recurrent analysis and self-focus, and ruminative self-focus exacerbates negative mood, high ruminators can get trapped in a reciprocal loop with a negative mood and rumination sustaining each other.

The good news is that there are strategies to interrupt this negative thinking pattern. Here are 6 ways to break the rumination cycle:

1. Take a walk in the park

A study published in the Journal of Environmental Psychology found that walking in a natural setting is a powerful rumination reducer and mood lifter. Strolling in a green environment elicited more awe and externally-oriented thoughts than walking along city streets. Just 30 minutes was enough to disengage participants from dwelling on distress.

2. Schedule time to worry

As counterintuitive as this sounds, setting aside 20 minutes of time each day to let your worries run wild can actually reduce rumination. Giving yourself permission to self-immerse during a fixed period frees up space to be more present and engaged during the rest of the day. There are plenty of things to worry about that are beyond our control. The worry time technique can help you be more efficient by spending the time you aren’t worrying on more productive things.

3. What would you tell a friend?

If you are stuck in a rumination loop, consider how you would advise a friend who was in the same predicament. Research shows that this technique of “decentering”—shifting the focus away from yourself and towards someone else—promotes clearer thinking about one’s own issues. Decentering is also linked with cultivating greater humility and an awareness of one’s own shortcomings, and with feeling greater appreciation for another person’s point of view.

4. Exhale

Literally. A study found that a 5 minute breathwork activity known as cyclic sighing can reduce excessive worry and improve mood. A video made by researcher Andrew Huberman, a neuroscientist and associate professor at Stanford University, shows how to perform this type of breathwork. Here are the basics:

1. One inhale followed by another short inhale through the nose

2. One long exhale through the nose or mouth

3. Make the exhale longer than the inhale

5. Time travel

Another way to gain some distance from rumination is to time travel. Imagining what your future self might think about a current stressor has been shown to reduce the emotional toll of the present. For example, as upsetting as an interaction with a difficult coworker might be today, fast-forwarding from the current situation to a year in the future might help you take it less personally and see it as less permanent. Recognizing the transitory nature of a hassle can reduce the distress you feel about it.

6. Whatever you do, refrain from co-ruminating

Excessive complaining and rehashing personal problems with someone else is known as co-rumination and can amplify stress, especially in those who are already feeling down. If your best friend calls you to talk about something that is bothering her, it is best to avoid questions that encourage her to revisit every detail. “Start from the beginning. Tell me everything!” will only lead to a play-by-play of what took place and what she was feeling. Consider instead posing a question that might help your friend gain some distance from the situation. I often ask my patients, “If someone else were in this situation, what advice would you give them?” Rather than dwelling on the details, help others generate a plan of action.

Self-immersion is not the answer. In the moment, rumination might feel helpful and self-soothing but the reality is it prevents us from problem solving.

Bottom Line: We boost our wellbeing by gaining some distance from ourselves.

Vulnerable narcissists, also known as covert narcissists, may not be as overtly obnoxious or arrogant as grandiose narcissists but possess their own unique set of unappealing and noxious behaviors. Vulnerable narcissism is broadly defined in terms of hypersensitivity to rejection, negative affectivity, social isolation, but also distrust of others and increased levels of anger and hostility. As I have written about before, vulnerable narcissists swim in a sea of exasperated disappointment. “If only everyone wasn’t so incompetent” is their inner monologue. Finger pointing comes naturally to a vulnerable narcissist and they love to rehash the past and romanticize how much better things could be if only people appreciated them more. They are excellent at finding fault in others but oblivious to their own. Grievance collecting is their full time job.

A study published in the journal Personality and Individual Differences reveals some additional interesting underlying tendencies and motivations of these individuals. Specifically, it sheds light on how vulnerable narcissists experience laughter and teasing in daily life.

According to the researchers, there are three basic ways humor manifests in interpersonal contexts (and no, they have nothing to do with Italian ice cream):

1. Gelotophobia

This is the fear of being laughed at in social situations. People with gelotophobia tend to misinterpret laughter as malicious and assume they are the target of mockery, which then triggers distrustful emotions and social withdrawal. In their mind, laughter is ridicule. When they see people laughing, they assume people are laughing at them, not with them. Not surprisingly, gelotophobia is negatively associated with relationship satisfaction as it leads to the avoidance of intimacy in which they would feel exposed, vulnerable, or potentially ridiculed.

2. Gelotophilia

Gelotophilia is the opposite of gelotophobia — it entails the joy of being laughed at. These individuals experience being laughed at as a sign of appreciation, social connection, and shared humor. Not surprisingly, we are drawn to the people who roll with the punches and don’t take themselves too seriously. Life is a lot funnier when we have the ability to make fun of our own absurd existence. As the old saying goes, “One who laughs at themselves never runs out of things to laugh at.”

3. Katagelasticism

Katagelasticism refers to the joy of laughing at others. These individuals derive immense pleasure from making fun of and mocking people. They enjoy putting others down and exploiting their mishaps. They howl with laughter when someone makes a mistake or says the wrong thing. These are the people who become giddy when someone trips or makes a social faux pas.

Bottom Line: Take note of what people laugh at. It tells you a lot about who they are.

It’s a basic truth of the human condition that everybody lies. The only variable is about what. — Hugh Laurie

Truth be told, we all lie sometimes. Ninety percent of our deceptions are white lies told to protect ourselves, to avoid getting into trouble, and to spare someone else’s feelings. For the most part, the lies we tell are motivated by an external reason. They are typically defensive to avoid the consequences of truth-telling — “I swear I have no idea what happened to that plate of cookies.” They may be tactical — “I never received your email” or altruistic — “You look great in that dress.”

Lying may be an integral part of our daily lives but there is a big difference between “normal” lying and pathological lying, also known as Pseudologia Fantastica. The term Pseudologia Fantastica (PF) was first coined by the German physician, Anton Delbrueck, in 1891 to describe the phenomenology of a group of patients who told lies that were obviously extreme and fantastical with a clear departure from reality to the observer, yet perceived by the patients themselves as within the realm of possibility. People with PF lie about everything constantly, eloquently, excessively, and chronically.

These individuals “indulge in a veritable orgy of lying” to serve an ego-driven internally motivated longing for how they wish the world would be and would see them. For instance, if your neighbor has a dilapidated but cherished old car and asks your opinion about it, you might stretch the truth and say something along the lines of “I think your car is fabulous.” Someone with PF would respond, “I have ten vintage-sports cars, all in top condition, at my large, private estate in Monaco.” The person with PF lies to self-aggrandize, not to flatter the neighbor. Moreover, unlike cons who lie for external gain or profit, people with PF tell lies that go about and beyond what would be necessary to pull off a successful swindle. They are out of proportion to any obvious external reward. The lies they tell are “almost always dazzling or fantastical,” and easily roll off their tongue. Sometimes they lie “just because.” Lying is inherently gratifying for them. These are the people who lie about what they ate for lunch.

While there is no current gold-standard definition of Pseudologia Fantastica, several key characteristics have been identified:

1. Chronic lying/storytelling that is unrelated to or out of proportion to any clear objective benefit;
2. Qualitatively the stories are dramatic, detailed, complicated, colorful, and fantastic;
3. The stories typically feature the pseudologue as the hero or victim and seem geared to achieve acceptance, admiration, and sympathy;
4. In terms of insight, the pseudologue lies somewhere long a spectrum between conscious deceit and delusion, not always conscious of his motives and seeming at least intermittently to believe his stories yet never to reach the level of conviction that would indicate a loss of reality-testing.

Most people are mortified and ashamed when their lies are exposed but not those with PF. When confronted with their deception, people with PF are typically unphased. They don’t break out in hives or lose sleep or sweat. Rather, they double down, sometimes providing further elaborate details to explain the lies. That said, in the face of incontrovertible evidence, they will — reluctantly —relinquish their tall tales. This stands in contrast to people with a delusional disorder who cling to their fixed false belief no matter what. PF often overlaps with borderline, antisocial, and narcissistic personality disorder but not always. Sometimes they are stand alone liars.

There is no cure for Pseudologia Fantastica.

Confronting the person with their deceptions will likely backfire. As tempting as it is to take a prosecutorial approach and attempt to extract a mea culpa from the individual, save your breath. Exposure and questioning tends to stimulate further fabrication and evasion. In a clinical setting, there is evidence that showing disinterest in the tales but maintaining interest in the person may help reduce the motivation to lie. While there is no guarantee of successful treatment, I think we can all agree that these people belong in a therapist’s office and not in political office.