Like many jaded New Yorkers, Dolly Faibyshev had stopped noticing her surroundings. The skyscrapers no longer impressed her and the bright lights no longer made her starry-eyed. The hustle and bustle that had once enlivened her had since become background noise. Fascinated by the energy and enthusiasm of tourists who visited the city each day, she decided to channel someone visiting it for the first time so she could reclaim that original sense of awe and wonder. Like every self-respecting first time tourist she visited all the must-see sights like the Empire State Building, Broadway, and the Statue of Liberty with a camera in hand.

Rather than a nuisance, tourists became a source of inspiration for Faibyshev. She embraced them as novices “whose energy she could feed and from whose untarnished perspectives she could learn.” From Faibyshev’s ventures as a tourist, her wildly successful photography project “I Love New York” was born. Adopting the perspective of someone new to the city enabled her to rediscover the joy of seeing it for the first time.

Image: Dolly Faibyshev

Like Faibyshev, we are all vulnerable to habituation—the process of growing accustomed to our situation and surroundings. Novelty wears off; what is fresh grows stale; beauty no longer captivates. Essentially, we stop noticing what is around us. Of course, habituation can be a positive development. Thank goodness the strong smell of your co-worker’s cologne or the sound of a barking dog no longer bugs you. Apparently my dogs bark a lot but thanks to habituation, I no longer hear it. Yelping dogs aside, how do we resist habituating to positive experiences? How do we rediscover the joy and wonder of seeing something with fresh eyes?

To address this question, Associate Professor Clayton Critcher of Berkeley along with Minah Jung and Fausto Gonzalez from New York University, found that a relatively simple intervention can do the trick. Participants in their study who were asked to imagine an experience through somebody else’s eyes were able to recapture their original appreciation and stall the process of habituation. For example, in one of the experiments, participants were shown the same short video clip of a comedian doing standup. Predictably, ratings of how funny the clip was dropped with each successive viewing. However, the group that was asked to consider what somebody seeing the clip for the first time might see continued to find it funny.

Psychologists call this refreshing experience of seeing the world with fresh eyes the vicarious construal effect (VCE). Interestingly, VCE can even promote appreciation for experiences that people have no prior connection to or interest in. In one experiment, participants watched short clips of Japanese anime. A subset who admittedly had no interest in anime was asked to look for what an anime fan might enjoy about the clip. Adopting the perspective of a Japanese anime fan boosted participants’ appreciation of the clip. Fascinatingly, the result even held for an experiment that showed non-Spanish speaking participants a Spanish dubbed clip of the hit show, Friends. Those who were asked to consider what a Spanish-speaking fan might enjoy about the clip liked it more themselves. While I doubt this technique can be used to convince someone who doesn’t like horror movies or camping to suddenly become a convert, I do believe that it can open our minds.

As a psychiatrist, I have found that the most effective way to help someone shift their emotional response to a given situation is not to dwell on trying to change their own mind but rather to try and understand someone else’s perspective. When we put ourselves in someone else’s shoes, as Dolly Faibyshev did, our thinking broadens and our world expands. Seeing things through someone else’s eyes gives us an opportunity to “re-see” our own experiences and capture appreciation for what we have lost or never had to begin with.

W.B. Yeats said, “The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — Now you know how to sharpen your sense of wonder.

The heartbreak in Nashville is unimaginable. “Unfathomable” is the word that keeps coming to mind. Merriam-Webster defines “unfathomable” as not being capable of being fathomed, immeasurable, impossible to comprehend. As a psychiatrist, I wish I had some way to help make sense of these senseless tragedies, some therapeutic tools to offer, some deep insight to share, some data driven wisdom about the grieving process, some promised silver lining, or at least some comfort for these shattered families. But there are no words. There is no blueprint for grief of any kind. All I know is that telling people how to grieve or insisting that they talk about their feelings is not the answer.

When something horrible occurs, crisis counselors are often summoned to conduct what is known as a psychological debriefing. Psychological debriefing is a crisis intervention designed to alleviate immediate distress and prevent post-traumatic psychopathology following an exposure to a traumatic event. A typical debriefing session occurs in a small group setting and is led by a counselor or facilitator. Over the course of three to four hours, the leader encourages the trauma-exposed individuals to go around the room and talk about their thoughts, feelings and reactions to the incident. What aspects of the situation cause you the most pain? What was the worst part of the event for you personally? are typical questions participants are expected to answer. A core aspect of debriefing is sharing emotions and distress with participants going through a similar experience.

While well intended, there is no evidence that debriefing interventions actually work. In fact, there is reason to believe that a debriefing session may do more harm than good. As George Bonanno, professor of psychology at Columbia University, observed in a research article in the American Psychologist, “Growing evidence shows that global applications of psychological debriefing are ineffective and can impede natural recovery processes.” It’s possible that asking people to talk about their emotional experience too soon may make them feel even worse. They might begin to worry that something is wrong with them. Moreover, listening to the heartbreaking stories of the others in the group may be comforting. It may also be further traumatizing.

I sometimes worry that we have over-professionalized distress and over-pathologized how people respond to trauma. A few years ago, I attended a talk given by a man who was severely burned during the 9/11 attack on the World Trade Center. He had been in an elevator in the north tower when the first flight crashed into the building and was engulfed in flames as a ball of fuel tunneled down the elevator shaft. The last thing he remembered was a nurse removing his wedding band from his swollen ring finger in the emergency room. Two months later he awoke from a medically induced coma in the burn unit. In addition to being in terrible physical pain, disfiguring scars, and disability, he learned of the tragedy of 9/11, including the loss of close friends and co-workers. He recalled being angry, upset, and deeply sad. A few days later a psychiatrist arrived at his bedside, suggesting they talk about his trauma and asking him if he was depressed. At this point, he looked up from his notes and stepped back from the podium: “If there are any psychiatrists in this room, please stop asking people who have been through hell to talk about their trauma and if they are depressed? Of course we’re f****** traumatized and depressed.” I cringed. How often had I been that psychiatrist, convinced that my clinical interventions were necessary to help someone navigate the unthinkable.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Bereavement is no place for finger-wagging or “shoulds.” Of course, self-care and seeking social support are beneficial but processing loss is personal and can get messy. We have all heard about the five stages of grief: denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and acceptance. While this model provides a neat and tidy conceptual framework, even Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, the model’s creator, never argued that bereavement was a linear process or unfolded in a steady progression. Dr. Bonanno coined the term “coping ugly” to underscore the reality that grief takes many forms and countless paths, some of which may seem counterintuitive. According to Bonanno, coping in ways that appear awkward or unhealthy on the surface may help an individual feel better. Having a few glasses of wine or a few beers may be just what the person needs. Holding onto anger may be a source of comfort and not something to let go of. Who’s to say what “normal grief” should look like?

Talking is good but when and with whom should be up to the individual. Not everyone wants to speak to a professional and that’s okay. As Dr. Simon Wessley, professor of psychiatry at King’s College in London, argues:

We live in a country awash in grief. It is said that every death leaves approximately 9 people bereaved. Gun violence, COVID-19, and deaths of despair compound our collective mourning. In my experience, there is no “moving on” after unspeakable loss but is is possible to move forward with the support of friends, family, and community.

What helps loved ones who are going through hell? Showing up. Bearing witness. Listening. Sometimes there are no words but there are always ways to show love.

“So much for my New Year’s resolution to eat healthy,” lamented my friend as she polished off a bag of M&Ms. If any of the virtuous goals you set at the beginning of the year have fallen by the wayside, research shows that the beginning of spring is a great time to turn the page and begin again. According to a study entitled The Fresh Start Effect: Temporal Landmarks Motivate Aspirational Behavior, special occasions that demarcate the passage of time — think birthdays, the start of a new semester, and the beginning of a new season — are ideal moments to make positive changes because this is when motivation kicks into high gear.

The theory underlying the fresh start effect is that these symbolic landmarks create new “mental accounting periods” in which we relegate past imperfections to a previous period, essentially letting bygones be bygones. Think of these meaningful periods as opportunities for a blank slate or a “do over.” Transitions like the beginning of spring are a gift because they allow us to turn over a new leaf (pun intended) and leave our past M&M-inhaling self behind. At the same time, they remind us to reconnect with our good intentions and to behave in line with a new positive self, perhaps a carrot-snacking one. Additionally, closing one chapter and opening a new one invites us to step back from the minutiae of our daily lives. Plenty of research shows that big-picture thinking is associated with renewed motivation and goal commitment.

I believe that the secret sauce of these landmark moments is that they highlight the gap between our current behavior and the potential of behaving in a way that aligns with our values. What could be a more powerful reminder of the possibility of renewal than the beginning of spring? I went for a walk in Central Park yesterday and while it is still chilly, spring is definitely in the air. The sun feels warmer, flowers are blooming, and birds are chirping. Spring isn’t just a time of year, it’s a state of mind. As Harriet Ann Jacobs wrote, “when nature resumes her loveliness, the human soul is apt to revive also.” Seeing nature in bloom is inherently optimistic. Even Emily Dickinson, not known for her sunny outlook, was inspired by this time of year.

“A Light exists in Spring

Not present on the Year

At any other period —

When March is scarcely here…”

Spring is the psychological equivalent of a refresh button. Take advantage of this new beginning and use it as an opportunity to reconnect with your goals and values.

Of course, there are countless fresh start opportunities throughout the year. Every Monday or even tomorrow is a chance to begin again. What’s important is that you see the moment as a fresh start. As Harvard Business School professor Francesca Gino wrote in Scientific American, be strategic about when to initiate changes because timing matters. “We feel more motivated and empowered to work hard toward reaching our goals when we feel like our past failures are behind us, and our future success is ahead of us.”

If spring makes your heart sing, capitalize on this moment to revisit your commitments and what you care about.

Stressed? Burned out? Lonely? Dealing with a breakup? Conflict with a co-worker? Feeling down? The blanket recommendation for anyone going through a rough patch these days is to seek professional help, and many struggling Americans are doing just that.

Demand for mental-health services is skyrocketing, and the wait lists for therapists are long. Employers, schools and the Biden administration are taking various steps to increase access to mental-health services.

But what if I told you that talking to a professional about one’s psychological woes might not be the answer to every problem? Or that there might be times when therapy actually does more harm than good?

To be clear, I am a fan of therapy, and as a practicing psychiatrist for almost 20 years, I have witnessed many patients improve in treatment. However, the therapy-is-the-answer model is problematic for several reasons.

First, underlying the blanket recommendations for therapy is the belief that stress of any kind is harmful.

This line of thinking fails to recognize the growth that often accompanies challenging experiences. New research from the Youth Development Institute at the University of Georgia found that low to moderate levels of stress can help individuals develop resilience and reduce the risk of developing mental-health disorders such as depression and antisocial behaviors. According to the authors, stressful situations and environments prompt individuals to be resourceful and cognitively flexible, and as a result learn strategies and skills that help them overcome adversity and thrive.

Reflexively referring to therapy anyone who is going through a rough patch presumes fragility and pathologizes perfectly normal experiences of being human. Sadness, worry, discomfort and anxiety are part of life and not necessarily signs of dysfunction. It’s entirely natural to feel overwhelmed—or even bad—at times. It’s evidence that we’re alive and engaged. The idea that we require psychological treatment to cope with every negative emotion or challenge we encounter represents a particularly noxious strain of toxic positivity.

Second, the therapy-is-the-answer model assumes that all therapy is beneficial.

In fact, there is evidence that rehashing what is bothering you can actually worsen symptoms of anxiety and depression. Self-reflection, a cornerstone of many therapeutic interventions, is a slippery slope. If not careful, it can amplify self-focus and aggravate rumination—the clinical term for repetitive negative thoughts about what can, did or will go wrong. If therapy becomes an excuse to vent, and sessions are mostly used as an opportunity to air grievances, maladaptive rationalizations and unhealthy narratives may become even more entrenched.

Even after a major life event, inviting people to talk about their feelings isn’t always helpful. For instance, in the wake of a collective traumatic experience, crisis counselors are often summoned to conduct what is known as a psychological debriefing, where trauma-exposed individuals are encouraged to go around the room and talk about their thoughts, feelings and reactions to the incident.

While well intended, there is no evidence that debriefing interventions actually help. In fact, there is reason to believe that a debriefing session may do more harm than good. It’s possible that asking people to talk about their emotional experience too soon may make them feel even worse. It also can be further traumatizing.

A few years ago, I attended a talk given by a man who was severely burned during the 9/11 attack on the World Trade Center. He said that when he awoke from a medically induced coma months later, in pain and disfigured, he recalled being angry, upset and deeply sad. A few days later a psychiatrist arrived at his bedside, suggesting they talk about his trauma and asking if he was depressed. What he said next made me cringe. He said psychiatrists need to stop asking people who have been through hell to talk about their trauma and if they are depressed. “Of course we’re f—ing traumatized and depressed,” I recall him saying. How often had I been that psychiatrist, convinced that my clinical interventions were necessary to help someone navigate the unthinkable? The man told us that what he really needed at that time was to be with his friends and family, not a therapist. Talking is good—but when and with whom should be up to the individual.

A third limitation of the therapy-is-the-answer model is that it doesn’t take into account many other factors that contribute to well-being.

When the Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health report asked people about stress and what helped them feel strong, regularly spending time outdoors topped the list, followed by spending time on a hobby and exercising regularly. Also cited were getting a good night’s sleep, eating well and spending time with family and friends. Other mood-enhancing boosters were doing something for others, learning something new, doing something creative, meditating and using one’s strengths. Prescription medication and professional help made the list but hovered near the bottom.

Moreover, the therapy-is-the-answer model glosses over the social determinants of mental health such as education, the physical environment, safety, employment, and social support networks. A great deal of wellbeing lies beyond what is happening inside a person’s head. Opportunities, communities, and activities that foster growth and build positive resources are important contributors to mental health. More therapists and more therapy are not addressing the structural issues that are making people so miserable. As Desmond Tutu said, “There comes a point where we need to stop just pulling people out of the river. We need to go upstream and find out why they’re falling in.”

Would the world really be a happier place if every single person had a therapist? I don’t think so. Therapy can be helpful but we’re leaving a lot on the table if that is the only solution we have.

Quiet quitting—the now ubiquitous expression that refers to doing the bare minimum at work—can also happen in relationships. When people quietly quit their job, they phone it in. They can’t be bothered with putting in extra time, energy, or effort. They have no plans to leave but they aren’t showing up in a meaningful way. When people quiet quit their relationship, they similarly disconnect. Think of quiet quitting a relationship as leaving without actually leaving.

Romantic disengagement is a key feature of quiet quitting a relationship. When one member of a couple “emotionally uncouples” (of course not to be confused with Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin’s much publicized conscious uncoupling), relationship satisfaction plummets. It is no surprise that growing apart, lack of love, and lack of affection are among the most frequently cited reasons couples give for breaking up.

3 ways quiet quitting manifests in romantic relationships:

1. Behavioral Withdrawal

Minimizing physical contact and communication. Speaking and interacting as little as possible with one’s partner. Withholding affection.

2. Emotional Deadening

Expressing low levels of interest in one’s partner or relationship and characterized by low levels of energy and excitement when interacting. Less attentive and emotionally distant.

3. Cognitive Distancing

No longer feeling connected as a couple or part of an “us.” Seeing one’s partner as entirely separate and different from the self. Mentally occupying separate spaces.

Nobody needs a checklist to tell them if they or their partner are quiet quitting their relationship. It’s painfully obvious to both parties. The Top Gun classic song, You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’ by the Righteous Brothers, captures the heartache of disengagement and the longing for connection when a partner feels miles away.

Now there’s no welcome look in your eyes when I reach for you

And now you’re starting to criticize little things I do

It makes me just feeling like crying

‘Cause baby, something beautiful’s dyin’

Of course there are many reasons quiet quitting occurs in a relationship. A lack of trust and respect are certainly major contributors, but a less obvious reason is the daily grind. When we’re not paying attention, life can get in the way of love, especially when couples have been together for a long time. Little acts of love are the lifeblood of healthy relationships. Closeness fades, goodwill evaporates, and trust melts away without the consistent presence of felt love. In their absence, connection desiccates and couples drift apart. The unfortunate result is unwitting quiet quitting.

Unlike quiet quitting in the workplace, quiet quitting in a relationship can occur unintentionally. A study published in The Journal of Sex Research offers a fresh strategy to protect against relationship disengagement and other relationship-destroying behaviors: adopting your partner’s perspective. When we put ourselves in our partner’s shoes, a “transformation of motivation” occurs that moves motivation away from its traditional individual-centric focus to a more relationship-centric one. Research shows that individuals who consider their partners’ viewpoints are likely to experience feelings of closeness and caring toward those partners as well as wanting to spend more time with them. When we put ourselves in our partner’s shoes, there is greater attention and concern for their needs and desires.

“People invariably feel better understood, and that makes it easier to resolve disagreements, to be appropriately but not intrusively helpful, and to share joys and accomplishments, it’s one of those skills that can help people see the ‘us’—rather than ‘me and you’—in a relationship,” explained co-author Harry Reis, the Dean’s Professor in Arts, Sciences & Engineering at The University of Rochester.

There is evidence that perspective taking also reduces the temptation to cheat. Making a daily practice of prioritizing the ‘us’ rather than the ‘me and you’ can protect against unwitting quiet quitting.

Bottom Line: If you make an effort to keep that loving feeling alive every day, you won’t have to bring it back.

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How much time do you spend on your phone a day? Be honest. Due to a combination of denial and genuine lack of awareness, most of us significantly underestimate our daily phone use. A survey found that the average guess for screen time was 3 hours and 42 minutes per day with 40 pickups of their phone per day. However, the actual average was 5 hours and 42 minutes with 344 pickups per day and that does not include work-related phone use. So much for wishful thinking…

Source: REVIEWS.org

The reality is that many people’s days consist of eating, sleeping, and screens. Time spent scrolling through our phones in and of itself may not be a problem until we consider what we are not doing because we are scrolling through our phones. In addition to the obvious advantages of unplugging—more creativity, greater productivity, better sleep—your social interactions will also benefit. Alain de Botton famously said:

“The challenge of modern relationships: how to prove more interesting than the other’s smartphone.”

Our relationships are the most reliable contributors to our wellbeing and yet our devotion to our devices is eroding the quality and quantity of our social interactions. Conversations are less fulfilling when we are constantly glancing at our phones. Meals are less enjoyable. Food doesn’t taste as good if our dining partner is distracted by their device. We make less eye contact and feel less connected when our phones are within arm’s reach. When our attention is constantly on our devices, we lose sight of what is around us. Along these lines, here is an eye-opening finding: approximately 1 in 2 Americans (49%) believe they can remember the color of a website better than someone’s eye color.

Time Well Spent

In an ideal world, we would all unplug one day a week. As a result, we would feel like we had more time, we would think more deeply and focus on the things and people that matter most. But if unplugging for a day is not realistic, aim to be less plugged in. Ideally reduce social media use to 30 minutes a day. A study found that this can significantly reduce depression and loneliness.

There is no doubt that when we scroll less, we live more. According to a survey, here are the Top Feelings of Unplugging From Tech:

1. Relaxed 🧘 (54%)

2. Content 😌 (31%)

3. Free 🤗 (29%)

4. Happy 😀 (22%)

5. Present 🙋‍♀️ (17%)

Nobody has ever said at the end of their life or at the end of the day, “Oh I wish I had spent more time on my device.” Most of us would like to spend less time on our phones but have trouble actually doing it.

Here are 7 practical tips to close the intention-action gap:

1. Get a non-digital hobby

What makes you forget to look at your phone? Do more of that. Carry a book with you. Replace one habit with another. A study found that replacing social media use with physical activity for just 30 minutes will make you happier and reduce stress.

2. Marie Kondo your phone

Delete apps that don’t spark joy. Unfollow accounts that make you question your self-worth. Less visual clutter reduces temptation to scroll.

3. Take control

Disable notifications. Schedule when and where you are going to check email and social media. Set up a docking station in your home where your phone lives. Make sure that your phone is out of reach at night. Use an old fashioned alarm clock to wake you up in the morning.

4. Build in mini daily detoxes

Leave your phone at home when you do not need it—when getting groceries or going to the gym or going for a walk. During the work day, take real breaks, not phone breaks.

5. Use your voice

If you have something to say, say it out loud. Sixty-one percent have texted someone in the same room as them before! If you are not under the same roof, pick up the phone if you want to connect or express gratitude. Better yet, set up a plan for coffee for a face-to-face interaction.

6. Create inviolable family policies

Have a family meeting and come up with guidelines. The golden rule for my family is absolutely no devices at the dinner table. Other options to consider are no device use after 10pm or before pick up or drop off from school. Don’t be a hypocrite. When children see their parents constantly on the phone, it sends a message about priorities. Model the behavior you want to see in them.

7. Prioritize IRL experiences

Make the choice to put your phone away when you are with another person, be it having dinner, driving somewhere, watching a movie, or going for a walk.

I follow a simple rule:

Be Wherever Your Feet Are.

It reminds me to be wherever I am instead of lost in my phone.

Today is the National Day of Unplugging! I am celebrating at the TODAY Show, explaining how our phones are vampires of vitality, and also sharing strategies we can all use to be less plugged in.