Maybe You Don’t Need to Talk to Someone

Stressed? Burned out? Lonely? Dealing with a breakup? Conflict with a co-worker? Feeling down? The blanket recommendation for anyone going through a rough patch these days is to seek professional help, and many struggling Americans are doing just that.

Demand for mental-health services is skyrocketing, and the wait lists for therapists are long. Employers, schools and the Biden administration are taking various steps to increase access to mental-health services.

But what if I told you that talking to a professional about one’s psychological woes might not be the answer to every problem? Or that there might be times when therapy actually does more harm than good?

To be clear, I am a fan of therapy, and as a practicing psychiatrist for almost 20 years, I have witnessed many patients improve in treatment. However, the therapy-is-the-answer model is problematic for several reasons.

First, underlying the blanket recommendations for therapy is the belief that stress of any kind is harmful.

This line of thinking fails to recognize the growth that often accompanies challenging experiences. New research from the Youth Development Institute at the University of Georgia found that low to moderate levels of stress can help individuals develop resilience and reduce the risk of developing mental-health disorders such as depression and antisocial behaviors. According to the authors, stressful situations and environments prompt individuals to be resourceful and cognitively flexible, and as a result learn strategies and skills that help them overcome adversity and thrive.

Reflexively referring to therapy anyone who is going through a rough patch presumes fragility and pathologizes perfectly normal experiences of being human. Sadness, worry, discomfort and anxiety are part of life and not necessarily signs of dysfunction. It’s entirely natural to feel overwhelmed—or even bad—at times. It’s evidence that we’re alive and engaged. The idea that we require psychological treatment to cope with every negative emotion or challenge we encounter represents a particularly noxious strain of toxic positivity.

Second, the therapy-is-the-answer model assumes that all therapy is beneficial.

In fact, there is evidence that rehashing what is bothering you can actually worsen symptoms of anxiety and depression. Self-reflection, a cornerstone of many therapeutic interventions, is a slippery slope. If not careful, it can amplify self-focus and aggravate rumination—the clinical term for repetitive negative thoughts about what can, did or will go wrong. If therapy becomes an excuse to vent, and sessions are mostly used as an opportunity to air grievances, maladaptive rationalizations and unhealthy narratives may become even more entrenched.

Even after a major life event, inviting people to talk about their feelings isn’t always helpful. For instance, in the wake of a collective traumatic experience, crisis counselors are often summoned to conduct what is known as a psychological debriefing, where trauma-exposed individuals are encouraged to go around the room and talk about their thoughts, feelings and reactions to the incident.

While well intended, there is no evidence that debriefing interventions actually help. In fact, there is reason to believe that a debriefing session may do more harm than good. It’s possible that asking people to talk about their emotional experience too soon may make them feel even worse. It also can be further traumatizing.

A few years ago, I attended a talk given by a man who was severely burned during the 9/11 attack on the World Trade Center. He said that when he awoke from a medically induced coma months later, in pain and disfigured, he recalled being angry, upset and deeply sad. A few days later a psychiatrist arrived at his bedside, suggesting they talk about his trauma and asking if he was depressed. What he said next made me cringe. He said psychiatrists need to stop asking people who have been through hell to talk about their trauma and if they are depressed. “Of course we’re f—ing traumatized and depressed,” I recall him saying. How often had I been that psychiatrist, convinced that my clinical interventions were necessary to help someone navigate the unthinkable? The man told us that what he really needed at that time was to be with his friends and family, not a therapist. Talking is good—but when and with whom should be up to the individual.

A third limitation of the therapy-is-the-answer model is that it doesn’t take into account many other factors that contribute to well-being.

When the Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health report asked people about stress and what helped them feel strong, regularly spending time outdoors topped the list, followed by spending time on a hobby and exercising regularly. Also cited were getting a good night’s sleep, eating well and spending time with family and friends. Other mood-enhancing boosters were doing something for others, learning something new, doing something creative, meditating and using one’s strengths. Prescription medication and professional help made the list but hovered near the bottom.

Moreover, the therapy-is-the-answer model glosses over the social determinants of mental health such as education, the physical environment, safety, employment, and social support networks. A great deal of wellbeing lies beyond what is happening inside a person’s head. Opportunities, communities, and activities that foster growth and build positive resources are important contributors to mental health. More therapists and more therapy are not addressing the structural issues that are making people so miserable. As Desmond Tutu said, “There comes a point where we need to stop just pulling people out of the river. We need to go upstream and find out why they’re falling in.”

Would the world really be a happier place if every single person had a therapist? I don’t think so. Therapy can be helpful but we’re leaving a lot on the table if that is the only solution we have.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

Are You Quiet Quitting Your Relationship?

“The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference” — Elie Wiesel

Quiet quitting—the now ubiquitous expression that refers to doing the bare minimum at work—can also happen in relationships. When people quietly quit their job, they phone it in. They can’t be bothered with putting in extra time, energy, or effort. They have no plans to leave but they aren’t showing up in a meaningful way. When people quiet quit their relationship, they similarly disconnect. Think of quiet quitting a relationship as leaving without actually leaving.

Romantic disengagement is a key feature of quiet quitting a relationship. When one member of a couple “emotionally uncouples” (of course not to be confused with Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin’s much publicized conscious uncoupling), relationship satisfaction plummets. It is no surprise that growing apart, lack of love, and lack of affection are among the most frequently cited reasons couples give for breaking up.

3 ways quiet quitting manifests in romantic relationships:


1. Behavioral Withdrawal

Minimizing physical contact and communication. Speaking and interacting as little as possible with one’s partner. Withholding affection.

2. Emotional Deadening

Expressing low levels of interest in one’s partner or relationship and characterized by low levels of energy and excitement when interacting. Less attentive and emotionally distant.

3. Cognitive Distancing

No longer feeling connected as a couple or part of an “us.” Seeing one’s partner as entirely separate and different from the self. Mentally occupying separate spaces.


Nobody needs a checklist to tell them if they or their partner are quiet quitting their relationship. It’s painfully obvious to both parties. The Top Gun classic song, You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’ by the Righteous Brothers, captures the heartache of disengagement and the longing for connection when a partner feels miles away.

Now there’s no welcome look in your eyes when I reach for you

And now you’re starting to criticize little things I do

It makes me just feeling like crying

‘Cause baby, something beautiful’s dyin’

Of course there are many reasons quiet quitting occurs in a relationship. A lack of trust and respect are certainly major contributors, but a less obvious reason is the daily grind. When we’re not paying attention, life can get in the way of love, especially when couples have been together for a long time. Little acts of love are the lifeblood of healthy relationships. Closeness fades, goodwill evaporates, and trust melts away without the consistent presence of felt love. In their absence, connection desiccates and couples drift apart. The unfortunate result is unwitting quiet quitting.

Unlike quiet quitting in the workplace, quiet quitting in a relationship can occur unintentionally. A study published in The Journal of Sex Research offers a fresh strategy to protect against relationship disengagement and other relationship-destroying behaviors: adopting your partner’s perspective. When we put ourselves in our partner’s shoes, a “transformation of motivation” occurs that moves motivation away from its traditional individual-centric focus to a more relationship-centric one. Research shows that individuals who consider their partners’ viewpoints are likely to experience feelings of closeness and caring toward those partners as well as wanting to spend more time with them. When we put ourselves in our partner’s shoes, there is greater attention and concern for their needs and desires.

“People invariably feel better understood, and that makes it easier to resolve disagreements, to be appropriately but not intrusively helpful, and to share joys and accomplishments, it’s one of those skills that can help people see the ‘us’—rather than ‘me and you’—in a relationship, explained co-author Harry Reis, the Dean’s Professor in Arts, Sciences & Engineering at The University of Rochester.

There is evidence that perspective taking also reduces the temptation to cheat. Making a daily practice of prioritizing the ‘us’ rather than the ‘me and you’ can protect against unwitting quiet quitting.

Bottom Line: If you make an effort to keep that loving feeling alive every day, you won’t have to bring it back.

 

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I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

7 Ways to Check Your Phone Less and Live More

How much time do you spend on your phone a day? Be honest. Due to a combination of denial and genuine lack of awareness, most of us significantly underestimate our daily phone use. A survey found that the average guess for screen time was 3 hours and 42 minutes per day with 40 pickups of their phone per day. However, the actual average was 5 hours and 42 minutes with 344 pickups per day and that does not include work-related phone use. So much for wishful thinking…

Source: REVIEWS.org

The reality is that many people’s days consist of eating, sleeping, and screens. Time spent scrolling through our phones in and of itself may not be a problem until we consider what we are not doing because we are scrolling through our phones. In addition to the obvious advantages of unplugging—more creativity, greater productivity, better sleep—your social interactions will also benefit. Alain de Botton famously said:

“The challenge of modern relationships: how to prove more interesting than the other’s smartphone.”

Our relationships are the most reliable contributors to our wellbeing and yet our devotion to our devices is eroding the quality and quantity of our social interactions. Conversations are less fulfilling when we are constantly glancing at our phones. Meals are less enjoyable. Food doesn’t taste as good if our dining partner is distracted by their device. We make less eye contact and feel less connected when our phones are within arm’s reach. When our attention is constantly on our devices, we lose sight of what is around us. Along these lines, here is an eye-opening finding: approximately 1 in 2 Americans (49%) believe they can remember the color of a website better than someone’s eye color.

Source: Jeremy Nguyen / The New Yorker

Time Well Spent

In an ideal world, we would all unplug one day a week. As a result, we would feel like we had more time, we would think more deeply and focus on the things and people that matter most. But if unplugging for a day is not realistic, aim to be less plugged in. Ideally reduce social media use to 30 minutes a day. A study found that this can significantly reduce depression and loneliness.

There is no doubt that when we scroll less, we live more. According to a survey, here are the Top Feelings of Unplugging From Tech:

1. Relaxed 🧘 (54%)

2. Content 😌 (31%)

3. Free 🤗 (29%)

4. Happy 😀 (22%)

5. Present 🙋‍♀️ (17%)

Nobody has ever said at the end of their life or at the end of the day, “Oh I wish I had spent more time on my device.” Most of us would like to spend less time on our phones but have trouble actually doing it.

Here are 7 practical tips to close the intention-action gap:

1. Get a non-digital hobby

What makes you forget to look at your phone? Do more of that. Carry a book with you. Replace one habit with another. A study found that replacing social media use with physical activity for just 30 minutes will make you happier and reduce stress.

2. Marie Kondo your phone

Delete apps that don’t spark joy. Unfollow accounts that make you question your self-worth. Less visual clutter reduces temptation to scroll.

3. Take control

Disable notifications. Schedule when and where you are going to check email and social media. Set up a docking station in your home where your phone lives. Make sure that your phone is out of reach at night. Use an old fashioned alarm clock to wake you up in the morning.

4. Build in mini daily detoxes

Leave your phone at home when you do not need it—when getting groceries or going to the gym or going for a walk. During the work day, take real breaks, not phone breaks.

5. Use your voice

If you have something to say, say it out loud. Sixty-one percent have texted someone in the same room as them before! If you are not under the same roof, pick up the phone if you want to connect or express gratitude. Better yet, set up a plan for coffee for a face-to-face interaction.

6. Create inviolable family policies

Have a family meeting and come up with guidelines. The golden rule for my family is absolutely no devices at the dinner table. Other options to consider are no device use after 10pm or before pick up or drop off from school. Don’t be a hypocrite. When children see their parents constantly on the phone, it sends a message about priorities. Model the behavior you want to see in them.

7. Prioritize IRL experiences

Make the choice to put your phone away when you are with another person, be it having dinner, driving somewhere, watching a movie, or going for a walk.

I follow a simple rule:

Be Wherever Your Feet Are.

It reminds me to be wherever I am instead of lost in my phone.

Today is the National Day of Unplugging! I am celebrating at the TODAY Show, explaining how our phones are vampires of vitality, and also sharing strategies we can all use to be less plugged in.

 

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

This Is How to Stop Ruminating

“Nothing in life is as important as you think it is, while you are thinking about it.”

— Daniel Kahneman, Thinking, Fast and Slow

Do you ever get stuck in a mental loop, rehashing what happened, replaying what was said, revisiting the scenario over and over again in your head? This is rumination. Rumination is a persistent and repetitive pattern of self-focused thinking, which includes analyzing reasons for negative mood and failure.

The word rumination comes from the Latin term ruminari and means to chew cud—partially digested food that is regurgitated from the stomach for another round of chewing. In fact, the first stomach compartment of ruminants (cattle, deer, giraffes) is known as the rumen. When we ruminate, we are mentally chewing partially digested thoughts. Essentially it is emotional reflux.

Source: Cartoon Connie

 

While rumination is not a clinical diagnosis, going over what is bothering you again and again with a fine-tooth comb and scrutinizing every little detail of what has happened or might happen can play a role in the onset and maintenance of depression. In my experience, people are most likely to ruminate in the middle of the night, in the face of a major decision, and when they are stressed out. Since a negative mood leads to recurrent analysis and self-focus, and ruminative self-focus exacerbates negative mood, high ruminators can get trapped in a reciprocal loop with a negative mood and rumination sustaining each other.

The good news is that there are strategies to interrupt this negative thinking pattern. Here are 6 ways to break the rumination cycle:

1. Take a walk in the park

study published in the Journal of Environmental Psychology found that walking in a natural setting is a powerful rumination reducer and mood lifter. Strolling in a green environment elicited more awe and externally-oriented thoughts than walking along city streets. Just 30 minutes was enough to disengage participants from dwelling on distress.

2. Schedule time to worry

As counterintuitive as this sounds, setting aside 20 minutes of time each day to let your worries run wild can actually reduce rumination. Giving yourself permission to self-immerse during a fixed period frees up space to be more present and engaged during the rest of the day. There are plenty of things to worry about that are beyond our control. The worry time technique can help you be more efficient by spending the time you aren’t worrying on more productive things.

3. What would you tell a friend?

If you are stuck in a rumination loop, consider how you would advise a friend who was in the same predicament. Research shows that this technique of “decentering”—shifting the focus away from yourself and towards someone else—promotes clearer thinking about one’s own issues. Decentering is also linked with cultivating greater humility and an awareness of one’s own shortcomings, and with feeling greater appreciation for another person’s point of view.

4. Exhale

Literally. A study found that a 5 minute breathwork activity known as cyclic sighing can reduce excessive worry and improve mood. A video made by researcher Andrew Huberman, a neuroscientist and associate professor at Stanford University, shows how to perform this type of breathwork. Here are the basics:

1. One inhale followed by another short inhale through the nose

2. One long exhale through the nose or mouth

3. Make the exhale longer than the inhale

5. Time travel

Another way to gain some distance from rumination is to time travel. Imagining what your future self might think about a current stressor has been shown to reduce the emotional toll of the present. For example, as upsetting as an interaction with a difficult coworker might be today, fast-forwarding from the current situation to a year in the future might help you take it less personally and see it as less permanent. Recognizing the transitory nature of a hassle can reduce the distress you feel about it.

6. Whatever you do, refrain from co-ruminating

Excessive complaining and rehashing personal problems with someone else is known as co-rumination and can amplify stress, especially in those who are already feeling down. If your best friend calls you to talk about something that is bothering her, it is best to avoid questions that encourage her to revisit every detail. “Start from the beginning. Tell me everything!” will only lead to a play-by-play of what took place and what she was feeling. Consider instead posing a question that might help your friend gain some distance from the situation. I often ask my patients, “If someone else were in this situation, what advice would you give them?” Rather than dwelling on the details, help others generate a plan of action.

Source: William Haefeli

 

Self-immersion is not the answer. In the moment, rumination might feel helpful and self-soothing but the reality is it prevents us from problem solving.

Bottom Line: We boost our wellbeing by gaining some distance from ourselves.

 

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

You Can Stop Worrying About Finding Yourself

Ten years ago I was invited to give a talk at the American Psychiatric Association’s annual meeting. In those days, I wasn’t used to public speaking. Like many people, I dreaded the thought of standing behind a podium and giving a speech. Public speaking is pretty high on the list of most people’s top fears. In fact, according to surveys, fear of speaking in public—or glossophobia—is even higher than fear of death! As the ever observant Jerry Seinfeld mused:

“According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.”

The underlying concern is negative evaluation by others. Nobody wants to be laughed at or mocked or judged.

“Just go out there and be yourself,” suggested a well-meaning colleague. I smiled and thought, Well, that’s terrible advice. I was pretty certain that simply being myself would lead to me fainting at the podium or escaping through the back door. I didn’t need to be myself. What I needed was to be un-me.

An old friend told me about a patient who shared my performance anxiety and recommended a counterintuitive strategy. Before facing an audience, the patient would go into panic mode: “My heart starts racing, I feel like I can’t breathe, beads of sweat collect on my forehead, my hands are shaking, my palms are sweating, and I feel sick to my stomach.” One night he was watching a late-night talk show on which Bruce Springsteen was a guest. The host asked the Boss how it felt to go on stage and perform in front of twenty thousand people. Springsteen reportedly responded: “It’s the most incredible feeling. I feel my body kicking into high gear. My heart starts racing, I start breathing a little harder, my palms are sweating, my hands are shaking, I feel sweat on my brow and I have butterflies in my stomach. It’s a sign to me that my body is ready to rock.”

Both people’s physiological symptoms were strikingly similar—elevated heart rate, sweaty palms and forehead, rapid breathing—and yet their interpretations of them were radically different. The patient realized that his problem wasn’t performance anxiety, but rather his inability to get out of his own head. From then on whenever he had to speak in public, he thought of Bruce Springsteen. Channeling the Boss helped him be un-him.

I needed to do the same and pretend to be someone who spoke well and who was accustomed to being in the limelight. The answer for me at the time was obvious: Barbara Walters. The acclaimed anchorwoman had recently given a speech that I watched in awe. She was confident, self-assured, funny, and unflappable—everything that I needed to be. Plus, I had just read her book, Audition, an inspiring memoir about finding one’s voice despite the odds.

On each page of my speech, I wrote the initials “BW” to remind me to stay in character. I adopted her posture and imagined how she would look out from the podium and smile at the audience. I spoke slowly and with conviction.

The speech was a hit. Instead of escaping out the back door, I escaped the wave of insecurity that would have enveloped me had I been myself. Today, whenever I give a speech, I still scribble her initials on my notecards as a reminder.

There is evidence that looking forward beyond oneself and channeling someone whom you admire provides better guidance than stewing in your own emotions. A study of children highlights the benefits of not being yourself. A group of six-year-olds was asked to work on a repetitive task on a laptop but could take a break whenever they wanted to play games on an iPad. The iPad was placed right next to them. One group of children was told to think about their own thoughts and feelings. A second group was told to think about themselves in the third person. A third group was told to think about someone else who was really good at working hard and to pretend to be them. Batman, Rapunzel, Dora the Explorer, and Bob the Builder were possible choices. The iPad games proved to be a tempting distraction for all the kids, but the kids who pretended to be someone whom they admired persevered the hardest and staved off temptation the longest.

I am not suggesting you go out and buy a Batman costume—okay, maybe I am suggesting that—but this research has relevance for how we face challenges and hassles. Conjuring others, rather than looking exclusively for answers within or relying on what we already know, helps us transcend the limits we impose on ourselves.

Related research found that people demonstrated greater flexibility and were more successful at creative problem-solving when they imagined themselves to be eccentric poets. When people typically think about creativity, they assume it is a fixed trait, a talent people are either born with or not. But as this study highlights, to unlock creativity we may only need to get out of our own head and imagine ourselves in that of a creative individual. Tapping into the capabilities of those who exemplify qualities we wish we possessed may, in fact, help us find them for ourselves.

Bottom Line: Sometimes it’s a good idea to be someone else, especially if it gets you closer to the version of yourself you would like to be.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

What Vulnerable Narcissists Really Fear

Vulnerable narcissists, also known as covert narcissists, may not be as overtly obnoxious or arrogant as grandiose narcissists but possess their own unique set of unappealing and noxious behaviors. Vulnerable narcissism is broadly defined in terms of hypersensitivity to rejection, negative affectivity, social isolation, but also distrust of others and increased levels of anger and hostility. As I have written about before, vulnerable narcissists swim in a sea of exasperated disappointment. “If only everyone wasn’t so incompetent” is their inner monologue. Finger pointing comes naturally to a vulnerable narcissist and they love to rehash the past and romanticize how much better things could be if only people appreciated them more. They are excellent at finding fault in others but oblivious to their own. Grievance collecting is their full time job.

study published in the journal Personality and Individual Differences reveals some additional interesting underlying tendencies and motivations of these individuals. Specifically, it sheds light on how vulnerable narcissists experience laughter and teasing in daily life.

According to the researchers, there are three basic ways humor manifests in interpersonal contexts (and no, they have nothing to do with Italian ice cream):

1. Gelotophobia

This is the fear of being laughed at in social situations. People with gelotophobia tend to misinterpret laughter as malicious and assume they are the target of mockery, which then triggers distrustful emotions and social withdrawal. In their mind, laughter is ridicule. When they see people laughing, they assume people are laughing at them, not with them. Not surprisingly, gelotophobia is negatively associated with relationship satisfaction as it leads to the avoidance of intimacy in which they would feel exposed, vulnerable, or potentially ridiculed.

2. Gelotophilia

Gelotophilia is the opposite of gelotophobia — it entails the joy of being laughed at. These individuals experience being laughed at as a sign of appreciation, social connection, and shared humor. Not surprisingly, we are drawn to the people who roll with the punches and don’t take themselves too seriously. Life is a lot funnier when we have the ability to make fun of our own absurd existence. As the old saying goes, “One who laughs at themselves never runs out of things to laugh at.”

3. Katagelasticism

Katagelasticism refers to the joy of laughing at others. These individuals derive immense pleasure from making fun of and mocking people. They enjoy putting others down and exploiting their mishaps. They howl with laughter when someone makes a mistake or says the wrong thing. These are the people who become giddy when someone trips or makes a social faux pas.

To better understand the inner life of a vulnerable narcissist, researchers recruited over 400 undergraduate students to fill out questionnaires measuring their levels of vulnerable narcissism as well as their outlook on situations involving laughter and teasing. Experiences of gelotophobia, gelotophilia, and katagelasticism were explored in depth. They found that people who scored higher on the measure of vulnerable narcissism were more likely to fear being laughed at and were more likely to enjoy laughing at others. Not surprisingly, gelotophilia was unrelated to vulnerable narcissism. Put simply, vulnerable narcissists live in fear of being laughed at and revel in laughing at others.

Bottom Line: Take note of what people laugh at. It tells you a lot about who they are.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman