Learning to “fight better” is a common theme in couple’s therapy. Don’t use the phrase “you always…” stick to the issue at hand, and by all means avoid saying anything negative about the other person’s mother.

Less focused upon and, in fact, a more effective strategy is learning how to celebrate one another. According to research, how we respond to our loved one’s good news is a better predictor of relationship quality than how couples handle disagreements.

In her research, Shelly Gable, professor of psychology at the University of California, demonstrates the benefits of responding with enthusiasm and support when a partner shares good news.

For example, imagine Maria comes home from her job as an associate at a law firm and excitedly tells her husband that she has been assigned to be the lead lawyer on a big case. Her husband might respond in one of the four following ways:

1. Active Constructive Response:  

“That’s awesome! What is the case about? Your hard work is really paying off. I am so excited for you. Tell me all about it.” He expresses genuine curiosity and actively listens to Maria tell him about it.

2. Passive Constructive Response: 

“That’s nice dear,” he mutters while checking email.

3. Active Destructive Response: 

“Are you sure you can handle it? That is going to be a lot of work. Maybe no one else wanted the case.” He focuses on the negative.

4. Passive Destructive Response: 

“You will never believe what happened to me today!” He hijacks the conversation to be about him.

The first one, the active constructive response, is the only response style associated with higher relationship quality and greater personal wellbeing. Studies show this style brings couples closer and enhances connection. The other three styles are all negatively associated with relationship quality.

Research shows active constructive responding is beneficial in all types of relationships—with friends, students, co-workers and children. It is about expressing interest and genuine curiosity in something a loved one shares and cares about.

Here is your assignment for the next week:

Listen carefully the next time someone you care about tells you something good that happened to them. It need not be earth shattering. Small good news is more than enough. It may be as simple as them showing you an article in a newspaper that interests them or telling you about a book they just finished. Give them your full attention. Look up from your phone. Ask questions. Relive the moment with them. It may feel strange at the beginning, especially for those who feel inclined to be the “voice of reason” but give it time.

It goes without saying that being there for a loved one during tough times is important.

Being there for them in good times matters too.

Conventional wisdom tells us it is best to avoid conflict in a relationship. After all, arguments tend to bring out our least appealing qualities: pettiness, hostility, and indifference, just to name a few.

But disagreements are inevitable. The temperature of the bedroom at night, the cap on the toothpaste, and how long the in-laws are staying are all potential minefields. But not all conflicts are bad. There is evidence that arguing can be good for a relationship; the key is how you argue. As long as you show respect and that you appreciate how the other person feels, conflicts will not damage your relationship. They might even bring you closer. If you are not on the same page about an issue, resist the temptation to be dismissive or hostile, which can send a crystal-clear message that you don’t care. Making the effort to understand people’s perspectives shows them that their point of view matters and that they are important to you.

So instead of avoiding disagreements, aim for courteous conflict instead. Adam Grant, professor of management and psychology at the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania, offered the following blueprint
in The New York Times:

1. “Frame the argument as a debate rather than a conflict.”

2. “Argue as if you’re right, but listen as if you’re wrong.”

3. Give the benefit of the doubt: “Make the most respectful interpretation of the other person’s perspective.”

4. “Acknowledge where you agree with your critics and what you’ve learned from them.”

You cannot agree on everything, but as long as you respect each other and communicate effectively, your relationship can not only survive disagreements but thrive working through them. Remember, love is respect.

Your cell phone may put the world at your fingertips but it may also be making those closest to you feel like you are a million miles away. Romantic relationships are particularly vulnerable. As modern day philosopher Alain de Botton, keenly observed,

The constant challenge of modern relationships: how to prove more interesting than the other’s smartphone.

“Partner phone snubbing” or “phubbing” (it’s actually a thing!) describes the habit of getting lost in your cell phone while in the company of your significant other. It is no surprise that phubbing is toxic for your love life. Research shows it leads to conflict, lower relationship satisfaction and ultimately, unhappiness.

As one researcher explains:

Cell phone use can undermine the bedrock of our happiness—our relationships with our romantic partners.

It’s the behavior that accompanies the all-too-frequently used phrase: “Sorry, I was just checking my phone. What did you say?” or even worse, indifference or total disregard.

If you answer yes to any of the following questions, you may be unintentionally sending your partner a message that you value your phone more than you value them:

1. Do you place your cell phone where you can see it whenever you are together?
2. Do you keep your phone in your hand when you are with your partner?
3. Do you glance at your phone when you are talking to your partner?
4. Whenever there is a lull in the conversation, do you check your phone?

Even seemingly minor distractions that may not seem like a big deal in the moment (“Sorry, I was just reading a text.”) can take a toll over the long run. Giving your partner your full attention seems to be the key.

Studies show that those who warmly turned toward their partner when their attention is summoned and express interest, who look up from their book or newspaper and actively engage in what their partner is trying to show them, are more likely to stay together. Those who cannot be bothered to look up, who keep doing what they are doing, who respond with hostility, “Can’t you see I’m in the middle of something?” are more likely to separate.

The good news is that with a little effort, it is easy to tame the technology beast.

1. Plan ahead

Take care of unfinished business before going out on a date so you don’t have to check your phone throughout dinner.

2. Prioritize

Face-to-face time trumps face-to-phone time every single time.

3. Out of sight

Leave the phone in the bottom of your handbag or in a drawer. Better yet, turn it off.

4. Fess up

If you are expecting an important email from your boss, tell your partner. Create a special notification. At least your date will know you are not mindlessly thumbing through Instagram.

5. Resist the urge

Before reaching for your phone, ask yourself, “Is this urgent or important?” Texts and Facebook updates may feel urgent but they are not as important as the person you are with. Being “half-there” is damaging for any relationship. Make the choice to put your phone away when you are together, be it at dinner, while you’re driving somewhere, watching a movie, or going for a walk.

So, when it the best time to use your phone? When you are alone.

Women flock towards handsome men but a new study shows that being good looking isn’t everything. Being a good guy matters more. The study shows:

…women do indeed find good-looking men desirable—but if they have to choose, they’ll probably pick the altruistic guy over the hunk.

Selflessness and altruistic behavior are a big draw for women who are looking for a long-term relationship.

Don’t cancel your gym membership just yet. Ideally women prefer both goodness and hotness:

A handsome guy volunteering at a soup kitchen will catch a lot of women’s eyes.

Related research provides further evidence of how goodness—not just great looks – makes someone more appealing. Doing things for others may be the best way to charm a lady.

Nice guys really do finish first.