6 Ways to Shake Up the “Power-Parenting” Rules

Do you spend more time on your children than with them?

There’s a lot of parenting advice out there. In addition to friends and family weighing in on how to raise a perfect kid, there are over 58,000 parenting books telling you what you should and should not do. It’s easy to get overwhelmed and feel inadequate. A friend and exasperated fellow mom recently told me, “I felt like I was spending more time on my children than with my children.” She has since decided to turn off “power-parenting mode” and enjoy being a mom without the pressure of trying to be the perfect parent with the perfect child.

Here are six science-backed tips to help you do the same:

1. Let your kids get bored

Instead of feeling pressure to plan fun activities and schedule extra classes, allow for some downtime. Encourage your kids to keep themselves busy and to fill free time by coming up with their own plans and activities. In addition to boosting their creativity and ability to take initiative, you will benefit from not having to drive them to yet another afterschool practice.

2. Walk the walk

Make healthy habits a family value. Model the behavior you want to encourage. Eat the fruits and vegetables you serve to your kids. Take the stairs instead of the elevator. Make sleep a priority for everyone. Everyone will be happier, healthier and less stressed.

3. Sit on your hands

Allow your kids to solve their own problems (when age appropriate). Resist the impulse to swoop in and resolve any issue they are having at school or with a friend. This robs them of the confidence that they can do it on their own and undermines their ability to learn to navigate their way through a challenge.

4. Cultivate communication

Ask your children questions. If “How was your day?” is usually met with “Fine,” and a shoulder shrug, try something more specific like, “How was today different from yesterday?” or “What’s the one word you’d use to describe today?” Do your best to listen and give them your full attention. Create cell–free zones at home, especially at the dining room table. Avoid being half-there.

5. Take care of yourself

Women are the first to take great care of others and the last to take care of themselves. Don’t skip that doctor’s appointment. Take time to see friends. Hire a babysitter so you can have a date night. You will be a better mom when your own needs are met.

6. Send them out the door

Encourage your children to play outside and minimize screen time. In addition to being good for their physical fitness, studies show it improves academic performance. Best of all, it’s fun.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

(Not So) Famous Last Words

Do people become more grateful when they are asked to reflect upon their own mortality? Studies show that taking time to thinking about one’s death can actually promote healthy behaviors and help people prioritize what matters most to them.

I read a haunting article in Scientific American article that takes this topic one step further.

What do people think about in the moments before their death? To explore this unfathomable question, Michael Shermer, author of The Moral Arc, analyzed the final statements of 417 death row inmates. His work is not intended to glorify or denounce the accused, rather, it is intended to explore the mindsets of those facing certain death.

According to a text analysis program, “love,” “know,” “family,” “thank” and “sorry” were the words most commonly used. Shermer provides some examples of the final statements:

To my family, to my mom, I love you.

I appreciate everybody for their love and support. You all keep strong, thank you for showing me love and teaching me how to love.

I want to tell my sons I love them; I have always loved them.

I would like to extend my love to my family members and my relatives for all of the love and support you have showed me.

As the ocean always returns to itself, love always returns to itself.

Forgiveness and love were the two main emotions. Shermer found that 44 percent either apologized for their crimes or asked for forgiveness from the families present. Seventy percent of the statements included effusive love language.

Connection to others was a recurring theme. Shermer posits that people say what they truly feel and believe in the seconds before their death and then prioritize those emotions and thoughts by what matters most.

 

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

Inspire Your Community to Take Action

Doing good is good for you. One of the best ways to turn a bad day around is to do something for someone else. This is not just feel-good self-help advice – it is scientifically proven. A growing body of research shows the mental and physical benefits of performing acts of kindness.

Experts call this the “helper’s high.” By taking action in our daily lives, we not only help solve some of the world’s biggest challenges, but we can boost our own well-being. In one study, people who were asked to perform daily acts of kindness for ten days experienced significant boosts in happiness.

The benefits of doing things for others are both immediate and enduring. A short term “dose” of positive emotion can lead to lasting change by broadening mindsets and creating self-sustaining positivity.

Take action today. Inspire yourself. Inspire others. What are you waiting for?

Appeared originally on Global Citizen

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

Are You Up to The Challenge? 2 Questions to Predict How Well You Will Handle an Emergency

In 2009, Captain Chelsey “Sully” Sullenberger, successfully landed US Airways Flight 1549 in the icy Hudson River after the engines failed. All of the passengers and crew survived. The incident is known as “The Miracle on the Hudson.”

The word “miracle” suggests divine intervention but Sullenberger’s decidedly grounded mindset during the emergency underscores the value of earthly experience and skill. Sullenberger is certainly a hero but it was more than heroism that enabled him to do what he did. Research helps explain how Sullenberger rose to the challenge.

How pilots respond to a stressful situation was the subject of a recent study of commercial airline pilots in a flight simulator exercise. Two simple questions predicted how the pilots would react:

  1. “How demanding do you expect the task to be?”
  2. “How able are you to cope with the demands of the task?”

The pilots scored their answer to each question on a scale of 1 (not at all) to 6 (extremely). The difference between the two provided a single measure of whether the pilots interpreted the forthcoming emergency as a challenge (when coping ability outweighs demands) or a threat (coping ability insufficient for the demands).

The important finding was that this single measure accurately predicted how well the pilots subsequently coped with the engine failure during the flight simulation. Pilots who rated the upcoming situation as more of a threat tended to perform worse than those who rated it more as a challenge.

In other words, those who felt up to the challenge did better.

What the pilots paid attention to during the emergency was particularly important. The pilots who felt threatened during the crisis were looking in the wrong places whereas those who felt up to the task focused on the right controls.

The study has implications for pilot training and beyond the cockpit. Approaching an obstacle or crisis with both competence and confidence can make a sizeable difference in how you weather a storm.

 

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

Positive Punctuality: How to Be On Time

There’s nothing worse than being late: the frantic rush to get there, the shame when you arrive, the excuses, fumbling to recover your grace and dignity.

Here are some tips and tricks to be on time:

1. Know your Inner clock

Why are you always late? Is it the commute, losing track of time while you eat cereal staring at the news, the last minute dog walk? Figure out the causes and tweak your schedule accordingly: check the traffic before you leave, don’t watch the news, walk the dog as soon as you get up rather than right before you shoot out the door.

Are you a morning person? Be realistic; if you’re not a morning person try scheduling meetings and appointments for the afternoon.

Know how long things really take. Make a log of everything you do and how long it takes. You’d be surprised, some of the most trivial tasks take much longer than we think, like folding laundry or doing the dishes.

2. Trick Time

Set your clock a few minutes earlier.

Schedule being early. If your appointment is at 1pm, put it in your calendar as 12:45. Planning on being early leaves time for any last minute things that need doing, including checking your teeth for spinach and gathering yourself for that meeting or job interview.

3. Save time and Sanity in the AM

Wake up earlier. It’s worth it. There’s no worse way to start the day than in a panicked rush.

Prep the night before. Make your lunch and lay out your outfit.

Organize your exit. Keys, check. Wallet, check. Jacket, check. Don’t waste time loosing them, designate a spot near your door and always leave them there.

4. And Finally:

Just say no. Anyone would rather a rain check than waiting for an hour. It’s okay to say no to friends and social engagements. You get annoyed when a friend is tardy; imagine how annoyed they get when they’re waiting for you.

I’ve been on a calendar, but I’ve never been on time.

~Marilyn Monroe

 

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

Don’t Choke: How to Conquer Paralysis by Analysis

It’s one thing to achieve mastery. It is quite another to be able to perform under pressure. Psychologist Sian Beilock, author of Choke: What the Secrets of the Brain Reveal About Getting it Right When You Have To, defines choking as suboptimal performance, not just poor performance.

It’s a performance that is inferior to what you can do and have done in the past and occurs when you feel pressure to get everything right.

The most painful part about choking is that you know you can and have done better.

Choking can occur regardless of the number of hours spent practicing. Examples in sports abound. Golfer Greg Norman painfully choked at the 1996 US Masters. Entering the final round he had a six-stroke lead over Nick Faldo and then blew it. Snowboarding champion Shaun White famously missed winning gold at the 2014 Olympic winter games.

Why does the brain sabotage performance just when it matters most? Beilock believes that overthinking the situation is the problem. She calls it paralysis by analysis. Paralysis by analysis occurs when we try too hard to control every little thing. This over-attention to detail interferes with the fluidity and flow of well-rehearsed skills and ultimately undermines the ability to do something that would normally be relatively easy.

You don’t need to be a star athlete to experience choking. It can happen to any of us at key moments. A student who fails even though she was prepared for a test, an entrepreneur who freezes while presenting to potential investors, a well-qualified applicant who blows a key interview.

Try the following tricks to help you stay at the top of your game:

1. Say Om

Meditating before the big event calms the mind, reduces anxiety and increases cognitive horsepower.

2. Practice Under Pressure

Train under conditions that simulate the stress of the actual event. This will mentally prepare you for the real deal

3. Have a “Go-To” Mantra

For golfers, a simple thought like “Smooth” or “Nice and Easy” just before hitting the ball can do the trick.

4. Whistle While you Work

According to Beilock:

If the tasks are automatic and you have done them a thousand times in the past, a mild distraction such as whistling can help them run off more smoothly under pressure.

5. Put Pen to Paper

Taking a few minutes to write down your worries before a test or presentation will help you stay focused on the topic and reduce forgetfulness due to stress.

Don’t let your brain sabotage your success.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman