The moment someone asks you this question, you start analyzing how happy you are. “Am I happy? Am I really happy?” you ask yourself. Existential angst creeps in. The more you think about it, the more anxious you become.
Studiesshow that the more we think about happiness and how to pursue it, the less likely we are to find it.
Valuing happiness may be self-defeating. Leading people to value happiness more made them feel less happy.
The problem may stem from the way we view happiness. The emphasis on personal happiness – like buying the best stuff and finding the best job leads to too much self-focus.
As Palmer Thomson points out:
No one ever died saying, ‘I’m sure glad for the self-centered, self-serving and self-protective life if lived.’
Happiness without meaning characterizes a relatively shallow, self-absorbed or even selfish life, in which things go well, needs and desire are easily satisfied, and difficult or taxing entanglements are avoided. If anything, pure happiness is linked to not helping others in need.
Bottom Line: doing good is more important than feeling good.
Eleanor Roosevelt said it best:
Happiness is not a goal…it’s a by-product of a life well lived.
How many arguments grow out of this rebellious sentiment? Nobody likes to be bossed around. Most of us want to defy any finger-wagging, self-appointed, self-righteous authority. For the record, nagging and barking orders doesn’t actually work.
So, if you cannot change someone’s behavior by telling them what do, what can you do to change their behavior? A study spanning 40 years of research offers a game-changing solution: Ask them a question.
Asking people about performing a certain behavior influences whether they will do it in the future. The effect is powerful—it has been shown to last more than six months after the initial questioning.
The phenomenon is known as the “question-behavior effect.” For example, asking, “Will you exercise?” instead of saying, “You should exercise today” is far more effective.
The basic idea is that when people are asked ‘Will you recycle?’ it causes a psychological response that can influence their behavior when they get a chance to recycle. The question reminds them that recycling is good for the environment but may also make them feel uncomfortable if they are not recycling. Thus, they become motivated to recycle to alleviate their feelings of discomfort.
Research shows this technique works across a variety of domains including exercising, volunteering, reducing cheating in college, and recycling.
The effect is strongest when the questions are simple, requiring a “yes” or “no” response. The researchers also suggest inquiring about positive behaviors. Avoid asking about vices because it can backfire and make them more likely to do it. In other words, don’t ask your teenage children, “Are you going to skip class?”
On that note,
Will you share Positive Prescription with a friend?
What is the best strategy to increase productivity? It is a question on everyone’s minds these days. Most people assume that we improve performance by doing more and working harder. Research shows that the opposite is true. Rather than cramming more work into a given day, it is better to take some time to reflect on the lessons of the day.
As Phil Race, psychologist, professor and learning specialist said:
The act of reflecting is one that causes us to make sense of what we’ve learned, why we learned it, and how that particular increment of learning took place. Moreover, reflection is about linking one increment of learning to the wider perspective of learning – heading towards seeing the bigger picture.
In a recent study, Learning by Thinking: How Reflection Aids Performance, the authors demonstrate how taking time to reflect on work improves job performance. In the first part of the experiment, 202 participants were asked to solve a number of brainteasers and then were divided randomly into one of three groups: a control group, a reflection group and a sharing group. The control group went on to take another set of brainteasers. The reflection group was instructed to take a few minutes to reflect on the first round of brainteasers and to write notes about the strategies they used, what they would have done differently and what they did well. Then they were given a second round of brainteasers to complete. The third group—the sharing group—received the same instructions as the reflection group but they were told that their notes would be shared with future participants.
What were the results? The reflection and sharing group performed 18 percent better on the second round of brainteasers than the control group. Interestingly, there was no significant difference between the reflection and sharing group, suggesting that sharing on top of reflection doesn’t seem to have additional benefits.
The researchers performed a similar study in a real world setting in a business-process outsourcing company and found similar results.
As one of the co-writers, Harvard Business School Professor Francesca Gino, states:
Now more than ever we seem to be living lives where we’re busy and overworked, and our research shows that if we’d take some time out for reflection, we might be better off.
Bottom line: press pause. Even grownups need a time out.
With all the focus on strategies to resist the proverbial marshmallow and boost self-control, we may be missing something right under our noses. David Desteno, PhD, author and professor of psychology at Northeastern University, proposes a counter-intuitive approach to building self-control. Instead of demonizing emotion, he argues that some emotional responses may be the most powerful weapons we have against temptation.
According to his research, socially oriented emotions like gratitude, love and compassion greatly enhance self-control and facilitate delayed gratification.
…there are two routes to self-control: cognitive strategies that depend on executive function, willpower, and the like; and emotional strategies that rely on the cultivation of specific feelings…You might prevent yourself from making an impulse purchase by placing your money in an account with stiff penalties for early withdrawal…Or you might do the same by taking a few minutes to stop and count your blessings.
Other research supports this approach. Kurt Gray, a researcher at Harvard University, found that when people donated money to charity or thought about helping another person they were able to hold up weights longer than those who didn’t engage in pro-social thoughts or actions. According to Gray, helping others heightens willpower and self-control. As he suggests:
Perhaps the best way to resist the donuts at work is to donate your change in the morning to a worthy cause.
By doing good and by cultivating positive emotions, we inoculate ourselves against temptation and immediate gratification. As Dr. DeSteno concludes:
We can’t just exert self-control by willing ourselves to resist the first marshmallow or averting our eyes from it; we have to be grateful that someone’s offering it to us in the first place.
I am a total fraud and everyone is about to find out.
If you’ve ever felt this way, you are familiar with imposter syndrome. Imposter syndrome is the gnawing voice at the back of your mind that questions your accomplishments and tells you, relentlessly, that you don’t deserve the success you have achieved.
Women are especially vulnerable to imposter syndrome, though I know a number of wildly successful men who suffer from it too. As a male patient once commented to me during a session,
When are they going to pull the curtain back and realize I just got lucky?
He had just made partner at a highly competitive New York City law firm and was in his early forties.
Imposter syndrome saps confidence and fuels anxiety. Those who have it live in constant fear of being “exposed” and feel guilty about getting things they feel they don’t deserve.
Here are 6 ways to stop imposter syndrome in its tracks:
1. Trust the process:
Instead of listening to the negative voice in your head, listen to the feedback you get from others. Odds are, your boss isn’t “being nice” when she writes an excellent evaluation or gives you a promotion. Other people are far more objective than you are capable of being with yourself.
2. Channel your inner Sherlock Holmes:
When self-doubt creeps in, do some detective work. Gather specific evidence that highlights how qualified you are for your job. Remind yourself of all you have accomplished. Think of someone’s life you have touched or someone else’s career you have positively impacted. Concrete examples will help make your success feel real.
3. Nobody is out to get you:
Imposter syndrome tends to kick in when we become overly focused on ourselves and concerned about what other people think. Focus on providing value, not on what other people are saying.
4. Keep a Gratitude Wall:
In my office I have a wall of all the kind notes people have written to me. It is a kaleidoscope of positive thoughts and meaningful connections. Looking at it is an immediate confidence booster.
5. Authenticity is overrated:
You are a work in progress, changing and growing all the time. This is a GOOD thing. The “real you” is always under construction.
6. See it as a strength:
Those with impostor syndrome are more likely to say, “I don’t know,” when they don’t know. This is an advantage. Overconfident people assume they have all the answers, even when they don’t.
I experienced imposter syndrome first hand when I graduated from medical school. As a young intern on the wards, I was convinced there had been a mistake. How on earth did they let me graduate and take care of sick people who needed a “real” doctor with far more experience. It took a few weeks and a wonderful chief resident to remind that I was up to the task.
My secret weapon was a handwritten note a patient sent me after she had left the hospital, thanking me for taking good care of her. I kept the pale pink notecard in a pocket of my doctor’s coat for months. Whenever imposter syndrome reared its ugly head, I would reach for it. Over time, it frayed and crumpled and a coffee spill made some of the words illegible. But it didn’t matter. I had memorized them by then and just knowing it was there made all the difference.
