Extremer, Ameri-Kiwi, CEO of Flywheel Sports and Founder of ExtremeYOU – a platform to unleash human potential.
How To Be Undefeated…Even In Defeat
“Work, shmerk…” remarked my exasperated client. She rolled her eyes as I tried to explain the value of finding meaningful and inspiring work. She was miserable working at a fashion company with its toxic sink-or-swim culture. A co-worker she had thought was a friend had falsely accused her of misplacing an important accessory from a fashion shoot. The pervasive attitude at the company is “I look better when you look bad,” she explained.
“What cultures bring out the best in people?,” an article in Harvard Business Review, identifies three main factors: (1) play, (2) purpose, and (3) potential.
Play
By “play” I don’t mean playing Ring Around the Rosie or doing cartwheels through the office. I am referring to the pure enjoyment one gets from doing work that is inherently interesting and engaging.
Purpose
Purpose is believing that your work matters and that you are part of something larger than yourself. It reflects your values and goals.
Potential
Challenges are growth opportunities. Having the chance to learn and to stretch yourself boosts motivation and meaning.
There is no better example of a play-purpose-and-potential-driven culture than the University of Connecticut’s women’s basketball team. The Huskies, as they’re known, dominate the sport. Before Mississippi State defeated the Huskies’ during this past weekend’s Final Four game, UConn had won 111 games in a row (their last loss was in 2014) and typically beat other teams by double-digit margins. The players are known for great sportsmanship, tremendous discipline and relentless dedication. They are outstanding off the court, too. These uber-athletes go to class and get good grades.
So how do the Huskies do it? The emphasis is on bringing out the best in the team and one another. Their coach, Geno Auriemma, is known for developing talent, not just recruiting it, and for cultivating a culture of grit and graciousness. As sports writer Sally Jenkins wrote in the Washington Post, “It’s about method, approach, and above all playing the game as a kind of ethic.”
A few days ago, the UConn ladies lost 66-64 in overtime in an amazing game with Mississippi State. After the game, Coach Geno Auriemma told reporters what he said post-game to his “unbeatable” team:
“I reminded them that college basketball has given them a lot. They’ve sent a lot of kids to the locker rooms over the years feeling the way that they’re feeling. And now they’re starting to see what that is like, and now they are part of what a normal college experience is. I reminded them it’s not normal what we’ve been doing. This doesn’t happen in real life and what they’re experiencing now is real life, and what we do going forward will probably be more important than anything that they did this year.”
The team that never lost has a great deal to teach us about losing. There was neither scapegoating, nor finger-pointing nor dwelling on what they could have done. Yes, there were a lot of tears in the locker room, but there was also humility, grace, admiration for the winning team and an eye on the future.
The celebrated football coach Vince Lombardi once said, “Show me a good loser, and I’ll show you a loser.” I disagree. The UConn women knew how to win and lose with grace. It all boils down to culture.
While we can’t all be Huskies we can do our best to cultivate cultures that bring out the best in others.
I wish you all the best,
Dr. Samantha Boardman
Less Me More We
“Happiness comes from within.”
Comments like this have kept psychiatrists in business for years. While I agree with the overall message, it has become increasingly apparent to me that happiness comes from “with” as much as it comes from “within.”
Too much self-help leads to too much self-interest. As David Brooks wrote in the New York Times, “We live in the culture of the Big Me.” And research shows that an emphasis on the “Big Me” actually undermines feeling fulfilled.
Happiness is not a solo enterprise, and wellbeing doesn’t occur in a vacuum. We are social creatures and our wellbeing—both physical and mental—depends on our connections. According to the World Happiness Report 2013, generosity and social support are, in fact, two of the strongest predictors of wellbeing.
Research shows that the happiest people have close ties to friends and family. Social interaction beyond one’s immediate circle is important too. Studies show that people who connect with other human beings, even strangers on a train or in the checkout line, report brighter moods. Behavioral scientists call this “social snacking.” It may be the healthiest snack in the world.
People are happier when they are with other people than when they are alone—and this isn’t just about outgoing types. Introverts experience a boost as well.
Cultivating connections is life-enhancing and helps buffer against stress. Building a strong connection to a social group has been shown to help people with depression recover and, importantly, prevent a relapse.
The benefits of social activity for the elderly abound. Those who are socially connected also stay mentally sharp. Strong relationships go hand in hand with resilience. A Harvard study of children who thrive in spite of traumatic childhoods explains:
Why do some children adapt and overcome, while others bear lifelong scars that flatten their potential? A growing body of evidence points to one common answer: Every child who winds up doing well had at least one stable and committed relationship with a supportive adult.
In other words, resilience does not come from willpower or grit; it comes from relationships and hope.
In addition to providing a sense of identity, belonging to a group or community helps us to feel like we are part of something larger than ourselves.
David Brooks says it best:
I’ve come to think that flourishing consists of putting yourself in situations in which you lose self-consciousness and become fused with other people….And it happens most when we connect with other people.
Most wellbeing is not created by pursuing our personal happiness. Doing something for others and with others is where we find true fulfillment.
So when my patients tell me, “I just want to be happy,” I do my best to shift their focus away from “I.”
I wish you all the best,
Dr. Samantha Boardman
Question Everything
Half of what we are going to teach you is wrong, and half of it is right. Our problem is that we don’t know which half is which.
Dr. Sidney Burwell, the dean of Harvard Medical School from 1935-1949, had these thought-provoking, wise words for incoming medical students.
Dr. Burwell’s statement was 100 percent true then. (And it still is today.) Consider the practice of “bloodletting,” once considered an excellent treatment for most ailments. A well-meaning 18th Century physician sings its praises:
(Bloodletting) clears the mind, strengthens the memory, cleanses the stomach, dries up the brain, warms the marrow, sharpens the hearing, stops tears, encourages discrimination, develops the senses, promotes digestions, produces a musical voice, dispels torpor, drives away anxiety, feeds the blood, rids it of poisonous matter, and brings long life.
Sounds like quaint hooey today. But it was hardcore science then. And it’s not the only example of a “fact” that turned out not to be true. I bet anyone who watches The Knick — warning: spoiler alert! — has Googled whether cocaine was really used as an anesthetic or if pulling teeth was a treatment for insanity. Both bizarrely true.
Indeed, science is a moving target. A lot of what I learned in medical school is now being challenged. Cholesterol may not be as unhealthy as was once thought. A new report by a government advisory committee describes it as, “not a nutrient of concern for overconsumption.” Feeding peanuts to infants is no longer linked with food allergies. In fact, top researchers now believe it may prevent food allergies. Diet foods and soft drinks are no longer recommended to those trying to lose weight. Mounting evidence suggests artificial sweeteners may actually contribute to weight gain. New data emerges all the time.
Why are we so surprised when scientific “facts” are upended? Why does an unshakable faith in modern science persist when these “facts” keep changing?
Medical knowledge, like most knowledge, is a moving target. This is a good thing. I think of it as progress. It reminds us to keep asking questions and to challenge notions of truth about ourselves and the world we live in.
Deciding what is true and who to trust has become increasingly complicated. Developmental psychologist Howard Gardner suggests it is time to:
go beyond the notion that there’s a fixed body of truths located in books or especially in Wikipedia entries, and focus instead on when somebody makes a statement, on what basis did they make that statement, and what was the evidence?
Gardner continues:
There isn’t a single truth, but rather there are truths in different fields, and we have to learn how people in those fields make truth judgments.
The key is to keep an open mind and to keep learning throughout life.
This is an important 21st Century skill. Taking a step back, to gain perspective, to re-think goals and to reflect on values, is essential. Lifelong learners never stop asking questions and challenging what they think they know. They are forever mentors and mentees.
No matter what their age is, they have a “beginner’s mind” like Alfred J. Stunker, a pioneer of obesity research. Throughout his career and as he aged, his learning curve never plateaued.
Stephen Hawking is another example of someone who refuses to accept established truths and who relentlessly questions theories, including his own:
The greatest enemy of knowledge is not ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge.
The ability to change and to adapt in a changing world is essential. Howard Gardner offers some sound advice:
We have to update, just like a good computer file. If you are thinking the same way that you did 50 years ago, that’s not good.
And this isn’t just about science and medicine, of course, but in all aspects of making our lives richer, fuller and more truthful.
I wish you all the best,
Dr. Samantha Boardman
SPANX WANTS YOU TO MULTITASK
Can you walk and chew gum at the same time? Lyndon Johnson is credited for creating this idiom during an interview talking about Gerald Ford. It is worth noting that Johnson reportedly said, “He can’t fart and chew gum at the same time.” In the interest of decency, the press chose a more PG version of Johnson’s remark!
Johnson was referring to Ford’s clumsiness but these days the saying has taken on a different meaning: the ability to multitask. You are aware of the the toll multitasking takes on productivity. Today I am going to focus on the toll multitasking takes on your waistline.
An estimated 66% of Americans watch TV while eating dinner, and 65% eat lunch while working at their desks. Twenty percent of meals are eaten in the car. What else do people do while eating? Walk, ride the subway, talk on the phone, read a magazine or book, put on makeup and walk the dog are common responses. In the spirit of remaining PG, I will refrain from mentioning some of the others.
Whatever you do while eating, beware of your next bite. Not paying attention to your food may be making you fat. Distracted eating leads to mindless eating.
A study explored the effect of multitasking on food consumption and food flavor. The findings: taste perception is limited by our capacity to pay attention to multiple things at once. When you are not focused on what you are eating, it doesn’t taste as good, you crave stronger flavors (please pass the salt), and you miss the satiety cues your body is trying to send you that you are full.
This study goes hand in hand with research about how surroundings influence the experience of a meal. Ambience, lighting, and sound can make a good meal taste even better. The reverse is true too—a noisy, ugly, overly bright room will take away from the flavor and experience of the food.
A famous restaurant in Paris, Dans Le Noir, serves dinner in total darkness. The idea is that visual sensory deprivation enhances the flavor and taste of every bite. It is the very opposite of multi-tasking while eating. The singular focus is on the food and by most accounts it is a sublime experience.
You don’t have to go to Paris to eat mindfully. Harvard’s health blog offers some helpful tips:
Try eating with your non-dominant hand; if you’re a righty, hold your fork in your left hand when lifting food to your mouth.
Use chopsticks if you don’t normally use them.
Eat silently for five minutes, thinking about what it took to produce that meal, from the sun’s rays to the farmer to the grocer to the cook.
Take small bites and chew well.
Before opening the fridge or cabinet, take a breath and ask yourself, “Am I really hungry?” Do something else, like reading or going on a short walk.
The bottom line: When it’s time to eat, it’s time to eat. Turn off the computer, the iPhone and the TV. Sit down at a table, put a napkin in your lap and savor every bite. Not only will the food taste better, you’ll eat less.
I wish you all the best,
Dr. Samantha Boardman
Should You Lie About Why You Are Late?
Like all parents, I tell my children that they must always tell the truth. “So why do I have to write a thank you letter to Grandma saying how much I love that set of monogrammed towels she gave me?” asks my ten-year-old son. “Can’t I say would have preferred a video game? It’s the truth.”
Leave it to a child to expose my hypocrisy. I fear the day he will interrogate me about Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy.
The truth is, telling lies, even white lies, takes a toll on mental and physical health. Frequent liars have increased stress, headaches, colds, back pain, insomnia and are more likely to be overweight than those who tell the truth. Lying is thought to trigger the release of stress hormones, leading to increased blood pressure and heart rate, among other stress responses that build up over the years.
The good news is that by telling the truth more often we can reverse this trend. A study showed that when participants purposefully reduced the amount of everyday lies they told they reported significant improvement in physical and mental health and better personal relationships. Just telling three fewer white lies a week made a difference.
Next time you are tempted to fudge the truth or spin an alternative fact about why you are late or forgot to return an email, consider telling the truth instead.
That said, as I tried to explain to my son, there are occasions when telling a white lie may be worth it, especially when it comes to sparing other people’s feelings. He wrote a thank-you note saying how much he loved those monogrammed towels and also added a kernel of truth: “Now that I have a life time supply of beautiful towels, perhaps you will consider a video game next time.”
If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
~Mark Twain
I wish you all the best,
Dr. Samantha Boardman
