Have you ever lost it in front of your boss? Or had a meltdown in front of colleagues? Few of us haven’t. Here is some game-changing advice for regaining composure — and respect in the workplace — post showdown: Put a passionate spin on it.
Instead of saying “I was too emotional” to account for your behavior, say, “I was very passionate.” According to a recent study, those who pulled the passion card were perceived to be more competent than the ones who said emotions got in the way. This makes sense, of course, considering how the two words have very different connotations in the professional world.
“Being passionate is often stated as an important attribute for employees; passion is associated with determination, motivation and having a high degree of self-control. Being emotional, however, has almost a negative mirror effect and is associated with irrationality, instability, ineptitude and a low degree of self-control,” explained lead researcher Sunita Sah, Assistant Professor of Management and Organizations at Cornell University.
Men are quick to dismiss a woman as “too emotional” the moment she becomes upset about anything. I know a young woman who was told by her male boss that she was too sensitive. “You need to grow a thicker skin,” he advised her. This was after she had burst into tears when a colleague publicly berated her for missing a deadline that he had pushed back without telling her. She could have subtly changed the narrative if she had switched the post-tears story to a passion play for not missing a deadline and colleagues keeping everyone informed.
These days, that same young lady takes matters into her own hands. Before anyone dares label her as “too emotional” in stressful situations, she declares her passion for her work. She didn’t grow a thicker skin, thank you very much, but she just did get a promotion.
My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.
A Positive Prescription – Hit the Re-Set Button and Find Wellness with Dr. Samantha Boardman. You will learn about connecting with purpose, using sweetness, structure and space for a life makeover and garnering joy in doing for others.
“Work, shmerk…” remarked my exasperated client. She rolled her eyes as I tried to explain the value of finding meaningful and inspiring work. She was miserable working at a fashion company with its toxic sink-or-swim culture. A co-worker she had thought was a friend had falsely accused her of misplacing an important accessory from a fashion shoot. The pervasive attitude at the company is “I look better when you look bad,” she explained.
“What cultures bring out the best in people?,” an article in Harvard Business Review, identifies three main factors: (1) play, (2) purpose, and (3) potential.
Play
By “play” I don’t mean playing Ring Around the Rosie or doing cartwheels through the office. I am referring to the pure enjoyment one gets from doing work that is inherently interesting and engaging.
Purpose
Purpose is believing that your work matters and that you are part of something larger than yourself. It reflects your values and goals.
Potential
Challenges are growth opportunities. Having the chance to learn and to stretch yourself boosts motivation and meaning.
There is no better example of a play-purpose-and-potential-driven culture than the University of Connecticut’s women’s basketball team. The Huskies, as they’re known, dominate the sport. Before Mississippi State defeated the Huskies’ during this past weekend’s Final Four game, UConn had won 111 games in a row (their last loss was in 2014) and typically beat other teams by double-digit margins. The players are known for great sportsmanship, tremendous discipline and relentless dedication. They are outstanding off the court, too. These uber-athletes go to class and get good grades.
So how do the Huskies do it? The emphasis is on bringing out the best in the team and one another. Their coach, Geno Auriemma, is known for developing talent, not just recruiting it, and for cultivating a culture of grit and graciousness. As sports writer Sally Jenkins wrote in the Washington Post, “It’s about method, approach, and above all playing the game as a kind of ethic.”
A few days ago, the UConn ladies lost 66-64 in overtime in an amazing game with Mississippi State. After the game, Coach Geno Auriemma told reporters what he said post-game to his “unbeatable” team:
“I reminded them that college basketball has given them a lot. They’ve sent a lot of kids to the locker rooms over the years feeling the way that they’re feeling. And now they’re starting to see what that is like, and now they are part of what a normal college experience is. I reminded them it’s not normal what we’ve been doing. This doesn’t happen in real life and what they’re experiencing now is real life, and what we do going forward will probably be more important than anything that they did this year.”
The team that never lost has a great deal to teach us about losing. There was neither scapegoating, nor finger-pointing nor dwelling on what they could have done. Yes, there were a lot of tears in the locker room, but there was also humility, grace, admiration for the winning team and an eye on the future.
The celebrated football coach Vince Lombardi once said, “Show me a good loser, and I’ll show you a loser.” I disagree. The UConn women knew how to win and lose with grace. It all boils down to culture.
While we can’t all be Huskies we can do our best to cultivate cultures that bring out the best in others.
Comments like this have kept psychiatrists in business for years. While I agree with the overall message, it has become increasingly apparent to me that happiness comes from “with” as much as it comes from “within.”
Too much self-help leads to too much self-interest. As David Brooks wrote in the New York Times,“We live in the culture of the Big Me.” And research shows that an emphasis on the “Big Me” actually undermines feeling fulfilled.
Happiness is not a solo enterprise, and wellbeing doesn’t occur in a vacuum. We are social creatures and our wellbeing—both physical and mental—depends on our connections. According to the World Happiness Report 2013, generosity and social support are, in fact, two of the strongest predictors of wellbeing.
Research shows that the happiest people have close ties to friends and family. Social interaction beyond one’s immediate circle is important too. Studies show that people who connect with other human beings, even strangers on a train or in the checkout line, report brighter moods. Behavioral scientists call this “social snacking.” It may be the healthiest snack in the world.
People are happier when they are with other people than when they are alone—and this isn’t just about outgoing types. Introverts experience a boostas well.
Cultivating connections is life-enhancing and helps buffer against stress. Building a strong connection to a social group has been shown tohelp people with depressionrecover and, importantly, prevent a relapse.
The benefits of social activity for the elderlyabound. Those who are socially connected also stay mentally sharp. Strong relationships go hand in hand with resilience. AHarvard studyof children who thrive in spite of traumatic childhoods explains:
Why do some children adapt and overcome, while others bear lifelong scars that flatten their potential? A growing body of evidence points to one common answer: Every child who winds up doing well had at least one stable and committed relationship with a supportive adult.
In other words, resilience does not come from willpower or grit; it comes from relationships and hope.
In addition to providing a sense of identity, belonging to a group or community helps us to feel like we are part of something larger than ourselves.
I’ve come to think that flourishing consists of putting yourself in situations in which you lose self-consciousness and become fused with other people….And it happens most when we connect with other people.
Most wellbeing is not created by pursuing our personal happiness. Doing something for others and with others is where we find true fulfillment.
So when my patients tell me, “I just want to be happy,” I do my best to shift their focus away from “I.”
Half of what we are going to teach you is wrong, and half of it is right. Our problem is that we don’t know which half is which.
Dr. Sidney Burwell, the dean of Harvard Medical School from 1935-1949, had these thought-provoking, wise wordsfor incoming medical students.
Dr. Burwell’s statement was 100 percent true then. (And it still is today.) Consider the practice of “bloodletting,” once considered an excellent treatment for most ailments. A well-meaning 18th Century physician sings its praises:
(Bloodletting) clears the mind, strengthens the memory, cleanses the stomach, dries up the brain, warms the marrow, sharpens the hearing, stops tears, encourages discrimination, develops the senses, promotes digestions, produces a musical voice, dispels torpor, drives away anxiety, feeds the blood, rids it of poisonous matter, and brings long life.
Sounds like quaint hooey today. But it was hardcore science then. And it’s not the only example of a “fact” that turned out not to be true. I bet anyone who watches The Knick — warning: spoiler alert! — has Googled whether cocaine was really used as an anesthetic or if pulling teeth was a treatment for insanity. Both bizarrely true.
Indeed, science is a moving target. A lot of what I learned in medical school is now being challenged. Cholesterol may not be as unhealthy as was once thought. A new report by a government advisory committee describes it as, “not a nutrient of concern for overconsumption.” Feeding peanuts to infants is no longer linked with food allergies. In fact, top researchers now believe it may prevent food allergies. Diet foods and soft drinks are no longer recommended to those trying to lose weight. Mounting evidence suggests artificial sweeteners may actually contribute to weight gain. New data emerges all the time.
Why are we so surprised when scientific “facts” are upended? Why does an unshakable faith in modern science persist when these “facts” keep changing?
Medical knowledge, like most knowledge, is a moving target. This is a good thing. I think of it as progress. It reminds us to keep asking questions and to challenge notions of truth about ourselves and the world we live in.
Deciding what is true and who to trust has become increasingly complicated. Developmental psychologist Howard Gardner suggests it is time to:
go beyond the notion that there’s a fixed body of truths located in books or especially in Wikipedia entries, and focus instead on when somebody makes a statement, on what basis did they make that statement, and what was the evidence?
Gardner continues:
There isn’t a single truth, but rather there are truths in different fields, and we have to learn how people in those fields make truth judgments.
The key is to keep an open mind and to keep learning throughout life.
This is an important 21st Century skill. Taking a step back, to gain perspective, to re-think goals and to reflect on values, is essential. Lifelong learners never stop asking questions and challenging what they think they know. They are forever mentors and mentees.
No matter what their age is, they have a “beginner’s mind” like Alfred J. Stunker, a pioneer of obesity research. Throughout his career and as he aged, his learning curve never plateaued.
Stephen Hawking is another example of someone who refuses to accept established truths and who relentlessly questions theories, including his own:
The greatest enemy of knowledge is not ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge.
The ability to change and to adapt in a changing world is essential. Howard Gardner offers some sound advice:
We have to update, just like a good computer file. If you are thinking the same way that you did 50 years ago, that’s not good.
And this isn’t just about science and medicine, of course, but in all aspects of making our lives richer, fuller and more truthful.
