Goddess with Guts & Co-Founder of WelleCo
The Joy Of Being Wrong
I recently asked a friend who has been married for over 45 years what the secret was to their enduring bond. “It’s simple,” she explained. “Letting go of being right all the time.”
“I thought I had all the answers. I bickered with my husband about the silliest little things, just to prove my point,” she chuckled to herself and shook her head. “One day, my exasperated husband said to me, ‘You are like a dog with a bone. But do you know what happens to the dog when it gets the bone? He buries it. And then he is alone.’”
My friend knew at that point she needed to change. And she did. “And you know what? It was liberating. What a relief it is to let things go and not to have to have the last word. Best of all, when you let go of the need to be right, you listen more and sometimes end up learning something.”
Letting go of the need to be right has benefits beyond personal relationships. I know this first hand. When I finished training to be become a psychiatrist, I confess I was a bit of a know-it-all. Just by seeing how a patient wrote their name (a heart instead of dot above the “i” suggested the patient had a personality disorder; tiny handwriting suggested Parkinson’s disease) or by reading the triage sheet, I could formulate a diagnosis and treatment plan.
I was also convinced I knew how the patient would do over the long term. My favorite line was, “I know the end of this movie.”
A little while ago I bumped into a patient I had met several years ago. Back then, he was a chronic alcoholic and had not been drug- or alcohol-free for more than a few days in over a year. I was convinced there was no hope. When I saw him again, he was a changed man — sober for two years, employed full time and engaged to be married.
“How did you do it?” I asked.
“People change,” he replied with a shrug.
Being wrong never felt so good. When we are so convinced we are right, we fail to see other possibilities or to appreciate endings. As a hedge fund manager explained to me, “There is a thin line between arrogance and confidence…It’s called humility.”
I wish you all the best,
Dr. Samantha Boardman
HOW TO SAVE FACE AFTER A MELTDOWN AT WORK
Have you ever lost it in front of your boss? Or had a meltdown in front of colleagues? Few of us haven’t. Here is some game-changing advice for regaining composure — and respect in the workplace — post showdown: Put a passionate spin on it.
Instead of saying “I was too emotional” to account for your behavior, say, “I was very passionate.” According to a recent study, those who pulled the passion card were perceived to be more competent than the ones who said emotions got in the way. This makes sense, of course, considering how the two words have very different connotations in the professional world.
“Being passionate is often stated as an important attribute for employees; passion is associated with determination, motivation and having a high degree of self-control. Being emotional, however, has almost a negative mirror effect and is associated with irrationality, instability, ineptitude and a low degree of self-control,” explained lead researcher Sunita Sah, Assistant Professor of Management and Organizations at Cornell University.
Men are quick to dismiss a woman as “too emotional” the moment she becomes upset about anything. I know a young woman who was told by her male boss that she was too sensitive. “You need to grow a thicker skin,” he advised her. This was after she had burst into tears when a colleague publicly berated her for missing a deadline that he had pushed back without telling her. She could have subtly changed the narrative if she had switched the post-tears story to a passion play for not missing a deadline and colleagues keeping everyone informed.
These days, that same young lady takes matters into her own hands. Before anyone dares label her as “too emotional” in stressful situations, she declares her passion for her work. She didn’t grow a thicker skin, thank you very much, but she just did get a promotion.
My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.
˜ Maya Angelou
I wish you all the best,
Dr. Samantha Boardman
Harvesting Happiness Podcast
A Positive Prescription – Hit the Re-Set Button and Find Wellness with Dr. Samantha Boardman. You will learn about connecting with purpose, using sweetness, structure and space for a life makeover and garnering joy in doing for others.
Listen to Dr. Samantha Boardman on Harvesting Happiness with Lisa Cypers Kamen, as they discuss how to incorporate wellness into all aspects of life. Only available on iTunes:
Sarah Robb O’Hagan
Extremer, Ameri-Kiwi, CEO of Flywheel Sports and Founder of ExtremeYOU – a platform to unleash human potential.
How To Be Undefeated…Even In Defeat
“Work, shmerk…” remarked my exasperated client. She rolled her eyes as I tried to explain the value of finding meaningful and inspiring work. She was miserable working at a fashion company with its toxic sink-or-swim culture. A co-worker she had thought was a friend had falsely accused her of misplacing an important accessory from a fashion shoot. The pervasive attitude at the company is “I look better when you look bad,” she explained.
“What cultures bring out the best in people?,” an article in Harvard Business Review, identifies three main factors: (1) play, (2) purpose, and (3) potential.
Play
By “play” I don’t mean playing Ring Around the Rosie or doing cartwheels through the office. I am referring to the pure enjoyment one gets from doing work that is inherently interesting and engaging.
Purpose
Purpose is believing that your work matters and that you are part of something larger than yourself. It reflects your values and goals.
Potential
Challenges are growth opportunities. Having the chance to learn and to stretch yourself boosts motivation and meaning.
There is no better example of a play-purpose-and-potential-driven culture than the University of Connecticut’s women’s basketball team. The Huskies, as they’re known, dominate the sport. Before Mississippi State defeated the Huskies’ during this past weekend’s Final Four game, UConn had won 111 games in a row (their last loss was in 2014) and typically beat other teams by double-digit margins. The players are known for great sportsmanship, tremendous discipline and relentless dedication. They are outstanding off the court, too. These uber-athletes go to class and get good grades.
So how do the Huskies do it? The emphasis is on bringing out the best in the team and one another. Their coach, Geno Auriemma, is known for developing talent, not just recruiting it, and for cultivating a culture of grit and graciousness. As sports writer Sally Jenkins wrote in the Washington Post, “It’s about method, approach, and above all playing the game as a kind of ethic.”
A few days ago, the UConn ladies lost 66-64 in overtime in an amazing game with Mississippi State. After the game, Coach Geno Auriemma told reporters what he said post-game to his “unbeatable” team:
“I reminded them that college basketball has given them a lot. They’ve sent a lot of kids to the locker rooms over the years feeling the way that they’re feeling. And now they’re starting to see what that is like, and now they are part of what a normal college experience is. I reminded them it’s not normal what we’ve been doing. This doesn’t happen in real life and what they’re experiencing now is real life, and what we do going forward will probably be more important than anything that they did this year.”
The team that never lost has a great deal to teach us about losing. There was neither scapegoating, nor finger-pointing nor dwelling on what they could have done. Yes, there were a lot of tears in the locker room, but there was also humility, grace, admiration for the winning team and an eye on the future.
The celebrated football coach Vince Lombardi once said, “Show me a good loser, and I’ll show you a loser.” I disagree. The UConn women knew how to win and lose with grace. It all boils down to culture.
While we can’t all be Huskies we can do our best to cultivate cultures that bring out the best in others.
I wish you all the best,
Dr. Samantha Boardman
