Mike, 41, came to see me after splitting up with his girlfriend. It was the fourth relationships in five years that had gone wrong. He was frustrated. “Why do I keep making the same mistake over and over again?” he asked. Mike wanted to focus on the future and didn’t want to talk about his feelings about the breakup.

“What’s the point of dwelling on it? What’s done is done.” He told me he was a master of moving on. “Isn’t that healthy?” he asked. Well, yes and no. Mike, like many people I meet, was good at rationalizing what had happened. “She wasn’t right for me in the first place.” Making excuses about why the relationship didn’t work out was easier than focusing on how sad he was about it.

Rationalizing what went wrong in the wake of a failure or disappointment is a common response. It protects us from dealing with unpleasant emotions and feeling badly about ourselves.

A student gets a C on a paper and dismisses the bad grade as not mattering all that much. An employee receives negative feedback on a presentation and blames the client and convinces themselves they will do better next time. These self-protective measures enable us to get over the disappointment and to move on, but do we learn from them?

Instead of moving on, the best way to overcome a setback may be to feel the pain. In a study entitled, Emotions Know Best: The Advantage of Emotional Versus Cognitive Responses to Failure, participants were asked to complete a simple task. If they succeeded, they were told they could win a cash prize.

One group was told to imagine focusing on their emotional response (their feelings) to winning or losing. The other half was instructed to take a more cognitive approach (their thoughts). The task was rigged so that they all failed. Both groups were then asked to complete a second task. The group that had been asked to embrace their feelings exerted 25% more effort than the other group. Dwelling on the failure and the accompanying unpleasant feelings enabled the group to learn from their mistakes and motivated them to work harder the next time.

As the lead scientist explained:

I do think people will be surprised that allowing themselves to feel bad about a failure can improve performance more than thinking about that failure in some instances. The kinds of thoughts — like rationalizing a failure — people tend to come up with are sometimes counterproductive.

From childhood, we are told not to dwell on mistakes and to move on, but, as the study shows leapfrogging over messy unhappy feelings may not be the best strategy. If we want to learn from our mistakes at school, at work and in relationships, we need to lean into them.

As Mike observed a few weeks into therapy. “Maybe being a master of moving on isn’t the best strategy if you don’t want to make the same mistake twice.” 

Does every day begin with the best intentions?

You wake up early, eat a healthy breakfast, and plan on a healthy lunch, working out after work and a light dinner. But then life happens.

Your boss tells you to start over on a project and you “stress order” a Frappuccino. Your son’s teacher leaves a message saying she has some concerns. You dig up that old packet of M&Ms hidden in your desk drawer and gobble it down. A co-worker, who also happens to be a talented pastry chef, brings in his famous cheesecake. You eat two slices. The cookie plate in the afternoon meeting calls your name. You inhale six of them. You skip your workout — “Why bother at this point?” you ask yourself — and order a cheeseburger with extra bacon for dinner. It doesn’t even taste good but you eat every bite and the French fries too.

Sound familiar?

You indulge. You feel terribly guilty. You double down.

Setting high standards for yourself is a good thing but striving to be Little Miss Perfect when it comes to eating may be sabotaging your best efforts to lose weight. Saying “what the hell?” the moment you stray from your original goal can lead to a vicious cycle of self-loathing and punishment.

According to researchers, the “what-the-hell?” effect occurs when goals are seen as short term. It is most powerful when we are trying to break a bad habit. Food is an obvious example but the what-the-hell-effect can surface in any area of life — smoking, checking email, drinking, shopping etc.

Here are 5 strategies to stop you from throwing in the towel every time you make a small mistake.

Pause and Plan

Before you tumble down that rabbit hole of self-loathing, take a moment. Put as much time as you can between the setback and doing something that is going to make you feel even worse. Write down what is going through your head, go for a walk around the block, or call a friend. The more time you take, the better decisions you will make.

See the Future

Instead of focusing on today’s mistake, consider the bigger picture. Tap into your underlying motivation. Are you trying to eat well so you can fit into that dress tomorrow night or because you care about your health and hope to live long and well?

Don’t let the chocolate chip cookie become the
elephant in the room

Studies show that simply resisting an urge can actually make it worse. Instead of fighting a craving, acknowledge it and accept it. Come up with an alternative and be flexible. Setting too many limits can backfire. Rather than fixating on the cookie you cannot have, make a plan to indulge in another way. Consider something non-food related like a massage or a night out with friends.

Forgive Yourself

Instead of beating yourself up, remind yourself that you are not the only person who has ever experienced a setback. Think of it as an opportunity to work harder and prove your commitment to your goals.

Do a Good Deed

Studies show that doing something kind for someone else can increase willpower.  For example, if you are furious with yourself for eating more than you planned to at that holiday dinner, instead of doubling down and polishing off the last slices of pumpkin pie, offer to do the dishes. You will feel a whole lot better about yourself and your host will thank you too!