It is not unusual to hear manners dismissed as artificial or outdated vestiges of a formal and stuffy past. Some argue that manners constrain self-expression and are no longer relevant in a world that celebrates the uniqueness of an uninhibited individual. Others say that manners are superficial and that respect for another person has to be earned. I couldn’t disagree more.

As Ralph Waldo Emerson stated so elegantly:

Good manners are made up of petty sacrifices. If they are superficial, so are the dewdrops which give such a depth to the morning meadow.

Manners are about respect—respect for others, respect for the environment and respect for oneself. They are about choices and a reflection of values. In my mind, this is why manners are so modern. They are essential navigation tools that enable people to exist together with civility and dignity. They govern how we relate to one another and now, perhaps more than ever, this matters. Contrary to what many believe, having good manners doesn’t require a certain upbringing or education. Modern manners are available to everyone. 

Respect for others

Say thank you, give a compliment, send a condolence note, wait patiently for one’s turn, speak without profanity, be on time, send a thank you letter, acknowledge the people around you, open a door for someone, hold the elevator, help an elderly woman cross the street, offer to do an errand for a neighbor, pull out a chair for someone, allow an overwhelmed mother and her three kids to take the taxi you hailed in the rain, stand when another person enters a room, remove your hat, resist the impulse to put someone else down, respect different religions, politics and traditions, and smile… These are little things, the “petty sacrifices,” but they are always well worth it. They shape our lives and how we interact with one another.

Respect for the environment

Taking care of one’s environment is central to good manners. This applies as much to a student’s college dorm room as it does to a company’s and a country’s carbon footprint. Being mindful of our surroundings and appreciating the beauty around us, cleaning up our messes and someone else’s are ways to show our respect for the world we live in. Look up from your device and notice your surroundings. Respect your environment, not because it is the politically correct thing to do, but because it is the right thing to do.

Respect for self

Learning how to take care of oneself is essential for wellbeing and self-respect is at the core of this. Respecting one’s body through exercise, a healthy diet and sleep, respecting one’s mind through self-discipline and hard work, respecting creativity by developing one’s artistic abilities, appreciating talent in others, cultivating long-lasting relationships and friendships, and living a life that reflects one’s values, are gifts to oneself and others.

At the heart of respect for others, for the environment and for oneself, is kindness. Kindness always counts and manners keep kindness at the forefront of all interactions.

“Good manners open the closed doors; bad manners close the open doors.” – Mehmet Murat Ildan

It was junior year of high school when I discovered the boy I had a crush on had a crush on someone else. Heartbroken, I took to my bed. I wore one of those Lanz flannel nightgowns for days and listened to Cat Stevens on my Walkman.

After two days my mother declared she had had enough of my self-pity. Her instructions were clear: “Wash your hair, put on a nice dress and for goodness sake, put a smile on your face. You will feel so much better.” I did as I was told and of course, she was right. Finally science has caught up with what our mothers have known all along.

Appearance matters. Posture, hairstyle, clothing and attitude reveal a lot about us. This non-verbal communication is powerful and tells a story about who we are, how we relate to others and how we feel about ourselves. And it’s not superficial.

Therapists are trained to take note of a patient’s physical appearance because it conveys information about their mental health and wellbeing. Stained clothing, unwashed hair, two-inch roots and chipped nails on a patient who is usually impeccably dressed and well groomed could be a sign something is wrong. Sometimes during episodes of depression basic grooming habits such as brushing one’s teeth and taking a shower are ignored. This self-neglect is taken seriously.

Like it or not, people judge us and we judge ourselves based on our appearance. And it goes both ways. When we know we look good we also feel good.

Clothing

An often-referenced study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology shows that if you wear a white coat that you believe belongs to a doctor, your ability to pay attention increases. But if you wear the same white coat believing it belongs to a painter, there is no improvement.

Clothing color has also been shown to have an effect on how we perceive ourselves. For example, wearing red boosts confidence and wearing blue is thought to be calming. Looking well-groomed and pulled together matters too.

Wearing neat, well-fitting and dressy clothes affect assessments of attractiveness, competence and confidence.

Posture

“Be as big as you are,” says Amy Cuddy, a social psychologist at Harvard. She advises women MBA students to stop crossing their legs and hunching over. Men are more comfortable physically taking up space whereas women often minimize their physical presence. When raising their hands, women tend to bend their arms at the elbow or raise a finger whereas men stick their arms straight up in the air and wave it around.

Sitting upright with two feet on the ground and outstretched arms in a high power pose will help you feel strong and confident.

So sit up straight. Stand tall. Not only will you look better, you will feel more alert and empowered.

Smile

Facial expressions reflect our moods and also affect our moods. Smiling produces a physiological feedback that makes us feel more positive, more optimistic and more motivated. And it is contagious. If we are smiling those around us will smile too. Smiling also boosts the immune system, relieves stress, and makes us look younger and more attractive.

Bottom Line: Think twice about the old adage, “it’s what’s on the inside that counts.”

This article was originally written for the Tory Burch Blog.

What is the simplest way to make tastier food? According to a study from Harvard Business School, cooks make significantly better food when they can see their customers. It seems that the mere sight of the customer motivates and inspires them to do a better job. The lead researcher, Ryan Buell, explains the findings:

We’ve learned that seeing the customer can make employees feel more appreciated, more satisfied with their jobs, and more willing to exert effort. It’s important to note that it wasn’t just the perception of quality that improved—the food objectively got better.

Seeing the impact of their work made a world of difference. As one chef in the study put it:

When the customers can see the work, they appreciate it, and it makes me want to improve.

Customer satisfaction went up 10% when the chefs could see the customers. Even more striking, when both customers and cooks could see one another, satisfaction shot up 17.3%. Seeing the hard work that goes into preparing the food enhanced appreciation. In a separate related study, customers didn’t mind waiting in line for sandwiches, as long as they could see them being made. In other words, it’s not just about the final result. Understanding the process has great value too.

The benefits of transparency are not limited to kitchens. Seeing “behind the curtain” cultivates appreciation and gratitude for all those involved. Adam Grant, PhD, professor of management at The Wharton School of Business, has research that highlights how powerful this can be. When radiologists were showed a photograph of a patient, their diagnostic accuracy improved by 46%.

Similarly, when people are aware of how much effort goes into something, they value it more. Watching an artist at work in their studio or a craftsman in their workshop increases appreciation of the artwork. Effort is so often hidden from customers. This is predicated on the faulty idea that people only care about a finished product. As these studies demonstrate, this is clearly not the case. A connection to how something is made and who made it has impact and raises a number of questions.

As Buell explains:

What if you could watch your car being made? Would it change how you felt about the company? Would it change how you took care of your car? There is something refreshingly human about the idea that just seeing each other can make us more appreciative and lead to better outcomes.

Mutual appreciation and gratitude are powerful forces that shape our experiences and how we feel. Human connection is at the heart of it.