There is something sacred about dining together. The mutual enjoyment of food, drink and conversation is about sharing an experience. In a romantic context, there is often the promise of a different kind of pleasure to follow. Indeed, the table is for a meeting of the minds and also for love and affection. Dining à deux has symbolic value and meaning beyond what is eaten.
Perhaps this is why research shows that sharing meals with an ex-lover sparks significantly more jealousy than meeting with the same person for coffee. The act of breaking bread together is perceived by significant others to involve much more than the physical consumption of calories. The researchers revealed:
We consistently found that meals elicit more jealousy than face-to-face interactions that do not involve eating — such as having coffee. These results are consistent for both men and women.
As the authors conclude, “It’s key to remember that from your spouse’s perspective, it’s not ‘just lunch.’”
With this in mind, keep the peace and order a latte.
Imagine interviewing for your dream job and being asked, “What is the worst grade you’ve ever received on an exam?” Do you come clean and tell them about the “F” you received in Organic Chemistry or do you avoid answering it?
In an attempt to make a good impression, be it on a job interview or on a first date, most people prefer to withhold information to direct questions that will surely embarrass them or make them look bad. This strategy can seriously backfire. Harvard Business School reveals there is a serious downside to sweeping unflattering information under the rug.
Across a series of experiments, participants were asked to choose between two people — one who gave truthful but embarrassing answers to questions about drug-taking, bad grades, and sexually transmitted diseases, and one who refused to answer. Over and over, those who “fessed up” were preferred and viewed more positively…”
As tempting as it is to avoid disclosing unsavory information, if you really want someone to like you or hire you, you are better off telling the truth. That said, Leslie K. John, one of the authors of the paper, cautions not to take this research as an excuse to write a “tell all:”
It would be wrong to conclude from this research that we should all go out and tell everybody our deepest and darkest secrets. That would be creepy and weird.
In other words, avoid providing TMI (too much information), but come clean when you are asked a direct question, even if the answer isn’t altogether flattering. Your honesty will make you look good.
It is not unusual to hear manners dismissed as artificial or outdated vestiges of a formal and stuffy past. Some argue that manners constrain self-expression and are no longer relevant in a world that celebrates the uniqueness of an uninhibited individual. Others say that manners are superficial and that respect for another person has to be earned. I couldn’t disagree more.
As Ralph Waldo Emerson stated so elegantly:
Good manners are made up of petty sacrifices. If they are superficial, so are the dewdrops which give such a depth to the morning meadow.
Manners are about respect—respect for others, respect for the environment and respect for oneself. They are about choices and a reflection of values. In my mind, this is why manners are so modern. They are essential navigation tools that enable people to exist together with civility and dignity. They govern how we relate to one another and now, perhaps more than ever, this matters. Contrary to what many believe, having good manners doesn’t require a certain upbringing or education. Modern manners are available to everyone.
Respect for others
Say thank you, give a compliment, send a condolence note, wait patiently for one’s turn, speak without profanity, be on time, send a thank you letter, acknowledge the people around you, open a door for someone, hold the elevator, help an elderly woman cross the street, offer to do an errand for a neighbor, pull out a chair for someone, allow an overwhelmed mother and her three kids to take the taxi you hailed in the rain, stand when another person enters a room, remove your hat, resist the impulse to put someone else down, respect different religions, politics and traditions, and smile… These are little things, the “petty sacrifices,” but they are always well worth it. They shape our lives and how we interact with one another.
Respect for the environment
Taking care of one’s environment is central to good manners. This applies as much to a student’s college dorm room as it does to a company’s and a country’s carbon footprint. Being mindful of our surroundings and appreciating the beauty around us, cleaning up our messes and someone else’s are ways to show our respect for the world we live in. Look up from your device and notice your surroundings. Respect your environment, not because it is the politically correct thing to do, but because it is the right thing to do.
Respect for self
Learning how to take care of oneself is essential for wellbeing and self-respect is at the core of this. Respecting one’s body through exercise, a healthy diet and sleep, respecting one’s mind through self-discipline and hard work, respecting creativity by developing one’s artistic abilities, appreciating talent in others, cultivating long-lasting relationships and friendships, and living a life that reflects one’s values, are gifts to oneself and others.
At the heart of respect for others, for the environment and for oneself, is kindness. Kindness always counts and manners keep kindness at the forefront of all interactions.
“Good manners open the closed doors; bad manners close the open doors.” – Mehmet Murat Ildan
It was junior year of high school when I discovered the boy I had a crush on had a crush on someone else. Heartbroken, I took to my bed. I wore one of those Lanz flannel nightgowns for days and listened to Cat Stevens on my Walkman.
After two days my mother declared she had had enough of my self-pity. Her instructions were clear: “Wash your hair, put on a nice dress and for goodness sake, put a smile on your face. You will feel so much better.” I did as I was told and of course, she was right. Finally science has caught up with what our mothers have known all along.
Appearance matters. Posture, hairstyle, clothing and attitude reveal a lot about us. This non-verbal communication is powerful and tells a story about who we are, how we relate to others and how we feel about ourselves. And it’s not superficial.
Therapists are trained to take note of a patient’s physical appearance because it conveys information about their mental health and wellbeing. Stained clothing, unwashed hair, two-inch roots and chipped nails on a patient who is usually impeccably dressed and well groomed could be a sign something is wrong. Sometimes during episodes of depression basic grooming habits such as brushing one’s teeth and taking a shower are ignored. This self-neglect is taken seriously.
Like it or not, people judge us and we judge ourselves based on our appearance. And it goes both ways. When we know we look good we also feel good.
Clothing
An often-referenced study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology shows that if you wear a white coat that you believe belongs to a doctor, your ability to pay attention increases. But if you wear the same white coat believing it belongs to a painter, there is no improvement.
Clothing color has also been shown to have an effect on how we perceive ourselves. For example, wearing red boosts confidence and wearing blue is thought to be calming. Looking well-groomed and pulled together matters too.
Wearing neat, well-fitting and dressy clothes affect assessments of attractiveness, competence and confidence.
Posture
“Be as big as you are,” says Amy Cuddy, a social psychologist at Harvard. She advises women MBA students to stop crossing their legs and hunching over. Men are more comfortable physically taking up space whereas women often minimize their physical presence. When raising their hands, women tend to bend their arms at the elbow or raise a finger whereas men stick their arms straight up in the air and wave it around.
Sitting upright with two feet on the ground and outstretched arms in a high power pose will help you feel strong and confident.
So sit up straight. Stand tall. Not only will you look better, you will feel more alert and empowered.
Smile
Facial expressions reflect our moods and also affect our moods. Smiling produces a physiological feedback that makes us feel more positive, more optimistic and more motivated. And it is contagious. If we are smiling those around us will smile too. Smiling also boosts the immune system, relieves stress, and makes us look younger and more attractive.
Bottom Line: Think twice about the old adage, “it’s what’s on the inside that counts.”
This article was originally written for the Tory Burch Blog.
If a man dressed in a gorilla suit walked in front of you, stopped, beat his chest, and then continued on his merry way, would you notice?
Before answering this question, consider the famous gorilla video. The video shows a group of people wearing either black or white shirts passing a basketball back and forth. The viewer is told to track how many times the players in the white shirts pass the ball. After about 30 seconds, a person wearing a gorilla suit strolls to the center of the screen, pounds his chest and walks away. Most viewers are so engaged in the task of counting ball passes that they fail to notice the chest thumping ape. It’s as if the guerilla was invisible. It doesn’t register.
A second experiment produced similar results. Twenty-four experienced radiologists were asked to look for cancerous lung nodules on a series of scans. Researchers had inserted a gorilla the size of a matchbook in one of the scans. Eighty-three percent of the radiologists missed it! Professionals who are trained to notice anything that looks amiss didn’t see it.
As the research demonstrates, people often miss what occurs right before their eyes. This phenomenon is known as “in-attentional blindness.” When we focus on one thing, we can become blind to others.
“How could people miss something right before their eyes? This form of invisibility depends not on the limits of the eye, but on the limits of the mind. We consciously see only a small subset of our visual world, and when our attention is focused on one thing, we fail to notice other, unexpected things around us—including those we might want to see.”
If you automatically assume that you would have seen the gorilla in either scenario, think again. Your smartphone demonstrates the power of inattentional blindness and how it operates in everyday ways. Consider what you miss when your eyes are glued to that tiny screen. This joke says it all: Dance like nobody is watching. Because they’re not. They’re checking their phones
