Achieve the Impossible

What makes human beings unique? In an unforgettable speech to a Stanford graduating class, neuroscientist Robert Sapolsky explores this question and challenges what many of us think about what separates us from animals.

It turns out that we may not be so special after all.

“There is nothing fancy about us at all. We are just a basic off-the-rack mammal,” says Sapolsky.

Over the years, traits and abilities once thought to set human beings apart have been found in other species. For example, bats observe the Golden Rule. Chimpanzees exhibit empathy. The dark side of what was once thought to be specific to human nature is evident in other species too. As Saposkly explains, we are not the only species that kill our own kind in cold blood:

Other species kill strategically in ways that would make Machiavelli proud.

That said, there are some things that humans do for which there is no analogy in the animal world. According to Sapolsky, what is most defining about human beings is the ability to deal with contradictions.

To illustrate, he cites the case of a Catholic nun who ministers to prisoners on death row in Louisiana. He describes the men as:

…some of the most frightening, nightmarish humans who have ever walked this Earth.

When asked how she can spend her time with such men, she replies:

The less forgivable the act, the more it must be forgiven. The less lovable the person is, the more you must find the means to love them.

As a strident atheist, this strikes Saposkly:

 …as the most irrational, magnificent thing we are capable of as a species.

Sapolsky’s insight about our ability to withstand contradiction reminds me of the wonderful story about a man who encounters a young boy on a beach. The beach is strewn with thousands of starfish that had washed up onto the shore after a storm. The boy is picking up the starfish, one by one, and throwing them back into the ocean so they won’t die.

The old man says, “But, young man, do you not realize that there are miles and miles of beach and there are starfish all along every mile? You can’t possibly make a difference!”

At this, the young man bent down, picked up yet another starfish and threw it into the ocean. As it met the water he said, “It made a difference for that one.”

The ability to embrace contradictions is indeed magnificent. As human beings, we are capable of forgiving the unforgivable, loving the unlovable, transcending the unfathomable and achieving the impossible. Just because we know a single person cannot really make a difference, it is all the more necessary that we must try to make a difference.

No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted. ~Aesop

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

Gratitude is a Verb

I probably say “thank you” at least 50 times a day. It’s not because I have excessive amounts of gratitude; it’s an automatic response. As a small child I was trained to say thank you, and it stuck. So here I am today, saying thank you for everything and anything – to the waiter who forgot my lunch order, to the receptionist who informs me my appointment was cancelled, and to the insurance agent who denied a request for a medication I prescribed to a patient.

Robotically saying “thank you” is not the same as practicing gratitude. According to research, people who count their blessings on a regular basis are happier and healthier than those who don’t. Taking five to ten minutes at the end of each day to write down three things that went well and why has a measurable and positive effect on wellbeing.

Researchers and wellness experts call this a gratitude journal, and for many people it does wonders. But, full disclosure, it didn’t work for me. Focusing on myself and how lucky I was made me feel good in the moment but it didn’t last. After a while it felt smug and a little self-centered. It’s not that I don’t appreciate being the beneficiary of good things. There was just something missing.

It turns out there is a lot more to gratitude than being thankful for what you have. In her article, “Stop Making Gratitude All About You,” Professor Heidi Grant Halvorson captures what so many of us get wrong about gratitude:

Recent research suggests that people often make a critical mistake when expressing gratitude: They focus on how they feel — how happy they are, how they have benefited from the help — rather than focusing on the benefactor.

Halvorson’s research found that those who expressed gratitude towards another person had stronger and more loving relationships than those who focused on the benefits to themselves. In other words, if your partner sends you flowers today, you can think to yourself about how receiving flowers makes you really happy or you can channel your gratitude towards your partner by actively saying or doing something that acknowledges how awesome your partner is.

Related studies by Adam Grant highlight how gratitude is not limited to passively counting one’s blessings. His research shows that reflecting on what one has contributed instead of reflecting on what one has received, is even more powerful in terms of promoting prosocial behavior. As Grant concludes:

According to a popular mantra, we should give without remembering and receive without forgetting. Our research suggests otherwise: we should take the time to remember both what we’ve given and what we’ve received.

So this Thanksgiving, don’t just count your blessings. Count your contributions too.

Think of gratitude as an action. It’s a verb that works best when it is embodied, spoken aloud and when it connects you to someone else.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

How to Push Past Fear

According to most swimming superstars,“Getting in a cold pool first thing in the morning” is the single hardest thing about training. Those first few minutes are the toughest part of the day. They dread the initial immersion in the chilly water and even though they do it everyday most say they never get used to it.

But once they’re in, they’re in.

Overcoming the initial pain, worry, or discomfort can be the most challenging part of any endeavor but it is the only way to reach your potential:

Just like how athletes must practice to be comfortable in discomfort, you must as well if you hope to improve your skills and advance your career. The hard stuff, the stuff you’d rather skip or do later is often the stuff that’s most necessary. Every time we choose to play it safe or bypass challenging intellectual prompts, we impede our ability to innovate and grow, waste our own (or our company’s) money, and squander our talent.

Fear is often at the core of resistance to make a change. So how do you push past it? Break it down. Ask yourself, “What is the very first step I need to take?” and take it. As Special Forces Instructor Mark Hickey describes,

I can say from my own experience that after you do one thing and conquer it, the next thing is a little bit easier.

Each time you fight through the discomfort, you arm yourself with confidence, you fortify yourself with experience and you inoculate yourself against setbacks. Taking action is empowering regardless of the outcome. Don’t hesitate or dip your toe in the water.

The best way to deal with initial discomfort is to literally jump in as the swimmers do. I cannot promise that the rest will go swimmingly well but getting wet certainly makes swimming easier

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

Does Your Weekend Exhaust You?

Do you feel exhausted after the weekend? The allure of pleasant, in the moment, and easy activities is powerful. After a long week, it’s hard to resist a bowl of potato chips, a remote control, and a widescreen. However, as tempting as it sounds to lounge around in your PJs all weekend, the trick to fulfilling and restorative downtime is to do stuff.

Many of us waste our leisure time in passive activities like watching TV and scrolling through social media but, as research clearly demonstrates, engaging in physically or psychologically demanding activities is far more satisfying. The strange thing is that most of us are aware of this fact and yet cannot help ourselves from turning into couch potatoes on the weekend.

A study entitled The Paradox of Happiness: Why are we not doing what makes us happy?, found that the main obstacle separating us doing things that actually bring lasting happiness is that we perceive them as intimidating. The key then is to make more effortful but satisfying activities seem just a little less daunting. For example, you could put your workout clothes out the night before so that when you wake up, that extra step of finding your jog bra is already taken care of.

Another strategy is to schedule activities, especially with a friend. If you are already committed and it is on your calendar, you are more likely to follow through. Don’t just slide into your weekend, decide what you want to do in advance and do it. 

This article originally appeared in the July 2018 print issue of Marie Claire Magazine.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

Lean Into Your Mistakes

For many of us, rationalizing what went wrong in the wake of a failure or disappointment is a common response. It protects us from dealing with unpleasant emotions and feeling badly about ourselves. A student gets a C on a paper and dismisses the bad grade as not mattering that much. An employee receives negative feedback on a presentation and blames the client and convinces themselves they will do better next time. These self-protective measures enable us to get over the disappointment and to move on.

According to new research, we may be getting it all wrong. In fact, the best way to learn from a setback may be to feel the pain. In the study entitled, Emotions Know Best: The Advantage of Emotional versus Cognitive Responses to Failure, participants were asked to complete a simple task. If they succeeded, they were told they could win a cash prize. One group was told to imagine focusing on their emotional response to winning or losing. The other half was instructed to take a more cognitive approach and to focus on their thoughts about winning or losing. The task was rigged so that they all failed. Both groups were then asked to complete a second task. The group that had been asked to embrace their negative emotions exerted 25% more effort than the other group. The researchers believe that reflecting on the failure and the accompanying unpleasant feelings enabled them to learn from their mistakes.

It’s counterintuitive and defies conventional wisdom. From childhood, we are told not to dwell on mistakes and to move on but as the study shows, leapfrogging over messy unhappy feelings may not be the best strategy. If we want to learn from our mistakes at school, at work and in relationships, we need to lean into them.

This article originally appeared in the March 2018 issue of Marie Claire Magazine.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

Ana Flores

A passionate leader, and advocate for portraying Latina women in a positive light, Ana Flores is both founder and CEO of #WeAllGrow Latina Network, the first and largest community of Latina digital influencers.