What’s the best way to motivate a student who lacks motivation? 

I frequently encounter parents who ask me this question. Full disclosure, it’s a question I would like an answer for myself. Getting my children to do homework is no easy feat.  Punishment for not doing it is one strategy but realistically, how many times can you take away their phone? Rewards are another option but studies show that this is not necessarily a good idea. It might work for a little while but always expecting something in return for putting in the effort can actually undermine motivation.  For instance, if you incentivize your child to get good grades with cash, it’s unlikely they will ever find any internal motivation to want to learn on their own.  

My go-to strategy has always been to explain why working hard is important and then to offer time tested advice about creating solid study habits. I worked my tail off in school and think of myself as a treasure trove of information about how to do well. For years, I was convinced that my words of wisdom would light the academic fire within my children. Perhaps seeing their eyes glaze over as I banged on about the benefits of applying oneself and doing one’s best should have alerted me to the reality that the message wasn’t sinking in. 

So, what does help? Research from the University of Pennsylvania offers a counterintuitive solution. Instead of giving students expert advice about how to do well in school (as I have been doing ad nauseam), ask them to provide advice to other students about how to do well. In the study, middle school students (6th, 7th, and 8th grades) who shared their thoughts about why school matters with 4th graders and, specifically about the importance of doing vocabulary homework, became more motivated to study vocabulary themselves.  To measure motivation, the researchers tracked the number of minutes advice-giving students spent on an online vocabulary training program following the intervention.

Here is an example of a 7th grader’s words of wisdom to a younger student:

“As you become older, you start to realize what is important to you. I realized that school and academics are the most important thing. It is still fun to do things outside of school, but you have to realize what is important to you.”  

A different group of middle schoolers received advice from teachers on how to be better students. Here is an example: “Trying your hardest is always the way to go. You should always try and do better. Don’t settle. Always try to make things better and better. You need to put in your full effort, not just coast by! Sometimes that means putting in a lot of time after the school day ends, like studying vocabulary online. It’s very important to apply yourself to your work, even once the school day is over.”  

These tips are remarkably similar to the ones provided by yours truly to my kids. In the same way that my advice has had minimal impact, the teachers’ advice didn’t affect student motivation either. These advice receivers didn’t spend any more time studying vocabulary afterwards.  

Contrary to the assumption of well-meaning parents and teachers everywhere, explaining to children why and how they should study doesn’t make much of a difference. It seems that children are fully aware of the value of an education and optimal study habits.

In other words, they don’t need more information. What they need is motivation. A more effective strategy is to ask them to give advice to other students.  What is so special about giving advice? It boosts confidence and is empowering. Instead of being a struggling student in need of guidance, when you give advice, you become a new person with valuable experience capable of providing guidance. Plus, human beings like to be consistent. When advocating for an idea, we take ownership of it. In the process of telling another person about how important something is, we remind and persuade ourselves of its importance too.   

The motivational power of giving advice isn’t just for students. People trying to lose weight, control their temper, save money, and find a new job became more motivated after giving advice to other people facing the same issues than when they received advice from experts. Helping others fueled their own desire to be successful.  

All too often, we confuse motivational problems with informational deficits. Getting advice from others is helpful only when we lack information but not in areas when we’re already in the know.  Indeed, most are fully aware of what they need to do in order to eat healthier, save money, control their anger, and be better students. Traversing the gulf that separates knowledge from action is the challenge. As these studies suggest, flipping strugglers from receivers into givers provides a bridge.  

Next time you encounter a person or a child who is having trouble reaching a goal, save your breath. Instead of offering your words of wisdom, flip the script, and ask them what they would say to another person in a similar predicament. In giving, they will receive.  

People increasingly tell me they have a hard time starting a book, let alone finishing one. Reading a book takes time and concentration-two rarities of daily experience.

There are so many competing demands on attention. Who has the time to actually sit down and lose oneself in a book? In our busy lives, quick reads like news updates and snackable articles may be the only reading we have the energy and bandwidth for but don’t let this mindset get between you and a book during vacation. A great book can make a holiday even more memorable. You will always remember where you were when you read it. Take a favorite from the past or a new one someone you trust recommends or one that takes place where you are going.

Reading opens us up to the experiences of others and provides an escape from the echo chambers of our own minds. Studies suggest it might even build empathy by awakening awareness, broadening perspective, and expanding imagination. As author L.R Knost observed, “Humanly speaking, there is no greater teacher, no greater therapist, no greater healer of the soul, than a well-stocked library.”

A patient stopped reading fiction somewhere between her first and second child. Life got in the way. Scrolling replaced deep reading. She found her way back to novels after a friend insisted she take Anthony Doerr’s All the Light You Cannot See on a trip to France.  While sitting in a cafe, instead of picking up her phone, she would reach for her book. She said it enhanced her experience immeasurably and shielded her from tumbling down the rabbit hole of pointless scrolling, commenting, and liking. The vacation is long over but the joy of reading lingers. After putting the kids to bed, instead of turning on the television, she makes a habit of reading instead. She has found that reading a few pages is the perfect vacation for a restless mind.

A duck appears to glide calmly across the water, while beneath the surface it’s an entirely different picture: The duck is frantically paddling its little legs to stay afloat and keep up. Watching everyone else gliding effortlessly through life—achieving professional success, thriving socially, and looking fabulous—is making you feel worse about your own difficulties.

I had a patient who had a picture-perfect life from the outside. At our first meeting, she showed me the holiday card she sent to everyone. It was a collage of “pinch me now” photos: her three kids frolicking in a turquoise ocean; her and her husband embracing in front of the Eiffel Tower; a family ski trip; her eldest child in cap and gown at his graduation. She showed the card to me to convey the disconnect between the facade she worked so hard to maintain and her internal unhappiness. She was too embarrassed to speak to her friends about what was going on, fearing they would forever think differently of her. From her perspective, their lives were perfect. She thought she was the only one working overtime to fake it. As the weeks passed and she opened up to a few friends, she learned that they too were going through some stuff on their own. Two were in therapy for depression. Another was in rehab but told everyone she was visiting a sick family member. Another was in couples therapy. The feverish effort to maintain the appearance of effortless happiness had made her feel even worse. Knowing she was not alone was an important part of her recovery.

Research shows that we systematically overestimate how happy other people are, even people we know well. This is because we see other people only in social settings or in carefully crafted worlds on social media. Their private emotional lives are unobservable to us. We have no idea what life is really like for them. As a result, our perception of their lives is based on an illusion. The consequences of the illusion, however, are real. Making assumptions about others’ happiness encourages us to hide our own negative emotional experiences, which leads to feelings of loneliness, unhappiness, and less satisfaction with life in general.

This article originally appeared in the May 2019 issue of Marie Claire.