Help! Climate Change Is Stressing Me Out

These three words capture how many people are feeling because of climate change according to a recent report by the American Psychological Association, “Mental Health and Our Changing Climate: Impacts, Inequities, and Responses.” A global study published in the Lancet found that nearly 6 in 10 people aged 16 to 25 were very or extremely worried about the fate of the planet, nearly half of them reported climate distress or anxiety affecting their daily lives, three-quarters agreed that “the future is frightening,” and over half are convinced that “humanity is doomed.”

Source: Nature.com

The health of the planet is deeply connected to our mental health. While people who are directly affected by environmental disasters and climate change are at the greatest risk of developing mental-health issues, many who aren’t in the line of fire are suffering as well. Increased awareness of the looming threats to the environment and bearing witness to the current changes is psychologically distressing. Watching the toll of these irreversible changes on the planet can lead to what is known as eco-anxiety: the ongoing worry, fear, and frustration about the future for oneself and for future generations.


A sense of hopelessness and helplessness often accompany eco-anxiety and may even result in eco-paralysis. Resignation, guilt, and fatalism set in when we lose hope. Threats to the environment are so complex and widespread, sometimes it’s hard to imagine that one person’s actions can make a difference. Watching the devastation of a violent storm hundreds of miles away or seeing piles of trash in your neighborhood can feel equally intimidating. Where to begin? There isn’t a simple answer.

Eco-anxiety is not something to be medicated or treated in the traditional sense. Unlike irrational worry that is characteristic of anxiety disorders, eco-anxiety is a perfectly rational response to a very real threat. Just because it is unpleasant doesn’t mean it should be minimized or medicated.

On the contrary, it’s a signal that we need to be paying attention and taking action. Negative emotions can be uncomfortable, but when we treat them as data and information, they can be a gateway to positive change.

While a lot may be beyond your personal control, look for everyday ways to contribute to the health of the environment. A report by the APA entitled “Mental Health and Our Changing Climate” recommends taking positive actions like walking or biking to work and using public transportation instead of driving. Not only are these actions good for the earth, they are also good for you. Whatever you do, make sure you are walking the walk. If you say you care about the planet, let your lifestyle reflect it. Use clean energy, buy local food when possible, use green products, and, last but not least, get to the voting booth.

The key is to balance hope and worry. As Christiana Figueres, an internationally recognized leader on global climate change argues, we must remain “stubbornly optimistic.”

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

Is Humility the Antidote for the Humblebrag?

As the old saying goes, “True humility is not thinking less of yourself, it is thinking of yourself less.”

In recognition of all Dolly Parton has done for the state of Tennessee, plans were underway to erect a statue of her in front of the state capital. But the singer declined the honor. “Given all that is going on in the world, I don’t think putting me on a pedestal is appropriate at this time,” explained Parton.

In a world full of arrogance, self-promotion, humblebrags, and flagrant narcissism, it is refreshing to bear witness to humility. Once a highly prized value, humility seems to have gone out of fashion. When I ask parents what they hope for their children, “happy,” “confident,” “successful,” and “proud” are typical responses. I rarely hear anyone say they would like their child to be humble and yet humility may be the virtue that gets us closest to the best version of ourselves. Humble people are more understanding, curious, generous, and forgiving than those who lack humility. They also have more satisfying and enduring relationships—an essential ingredient of wellbeing.

Humility can be conceptualized as having two core features:

  1. Intrapersonal Humility is an awareness of one’s limitations and capabilities. Those with intrapersonal humility are clear-eyed about their strengths and weaknesses and recognize that they do not have all the answers.

  2. Interpersonal Humility is an orientation towards the needs and wellbeing of others. Those with interpersonal humility are modest in self-presentation, respectful towards others, and not driven by self-interest.

Not surprisingly, humility is easier to observe in others than in oneself. If someone declares themself to be “very humble,” it’s likely that the opposite is true.

According to a new survey, nearly half of Americans think they’re better than everyone else. Perhaps this explains the epidemic of humblebrags on social media. Given that humility is in such short supply, is there anything that can be done to increase it?

Researchers found that one way to cultivate humility is through the experience of awe. Awe is the feeling of wonder and amazement that occurs when we are in the presence of something magnificent and powerful. Nature, art, music, religious experiences, and witnessing acts of magnanimity or virtuosity are the most commonly cited awe-inducers.

Awe-inspired people are kinder, more patient, and less self-absorbed. They are also more humble. The study found that experiencing awe leads to a diminished sense of self and an increased sense of connection, which in turn, gives ruse to humble thoughts and behavior.

In other words, gazing at a night sky may be just what the doctor ordered to bring us down to earth. Indeed, feeling small is what inspires largesse.

As the old saying goes, “True humility is not thinking less of yourself, it is thinking of yourself less.”

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

How To Be More Optimistic

“It’s just bleak out there.” My patient was referring to the weather and also her general outlook. “Bleak” captures the way many people are feeling right now—general malaise, emotional exhaustion, and overwhelming pessimism. I just read about a group of moms who met up on a frigid night in Boston to voice their collective exasperation. They stood in a socially distanced circle and screamed into the darkness.

Those moms are all of us—stuck in a bleak midwinter, drained by the daily grind, unsettled by all the uncertainty, frustrated by the fluctuations of hope and despair.

While there are certainly plenty of reasons to be downbeat, don’t let defeatism defeat you. When all we see is doom and gloom, we lose agency and hope. As organizational psychologist, best-selling author, and fellow Bulletin writer Adam Grant tweeted:

@AdamMGrant / Twitter


Here are 5 strategies to help you cultivate grounded hope and realistic optimism:

1. Your Best Possible Self

Imagine yourself in a future where everything has gone right. You’ve worked hard to achieve the realization of your dreams and accomplish your goals. In other words, you’ve become your best possible self. What would your life look like? How would you spend your time? Who would be by your side? The best possible self exercise is a research-supported intervention for improving mood and increasing optimism.

2. Question Your Assumptions

When feeling stressed out, we tend to interpret adverse events as personal, pervasive and permanent. For instance, you spill your morning coffee and automatically engage in a negative thought pattern: “I’m an idiot. Today is going to be a terrible day. Why does this always happen to me?” When we attribute disappointments to internal and fixed factors, we feel hopeless and helpless. Challenge this pessimistic outlook by questioning the three P’s. When you encounter a setback, ask yourself:

Is this Personal?

Is this Permanent?

Is this Pervasive?

Disputing automatic negative thought patterns will help you see the situation more realistically.

3. Seek Silver Linings

Benefit-finding, the act of actively identifying positive ways one’s life has changed as a result of a stressful situation or event, fosters positive coping and orients people to the presence of protective factors in their lives, such as skills, strengths, or resources that can help them deal more effectively with difficulty. Research on resilience during the pandemic published in Frontiers of Psychology found that benefit-finding was associated with reductions in psychological distress and helplessness. It is likely that silver linings such as finding a sense of community, experiencing gratitude, and recognizing that the pandemic may spur positive social change served as psychological buffers. Cultivate psychological buffers for yourself and guard against noxious negativity by asking yourself, “What’s good?” If we exclusively focus on the negative, we deny what’s possible.

4. Find Middle Ground

Michael Montaigne once said, “There were many terrible things in my life and most of them never happened.” Catastrophizing comes naturally to many of us but is rarely a productive use of our mental energy. To counteract this doomsday mindset, Martin Seligman, the founder of Positive Psychology, suggests a simple exercise called ‘Put it in Perspective.’

Step 1: Play out the worst case scenario
Step 2: Play out the best case scenario
Step 3: Consider what’s most likely to happen

Between the two extremes, you’re more likely to find the most realistic outcome.

5. Model Realistic Optimism

According to a recent paper published in the Journal of Positive Psychology, many parents assume incorrectly that teaching their children that the world is a bad place is best for them. In fact, 92% thought that seeing the world as safe to very safe will not prepare their children to navigate the world. Many parents expressed the belief that their children would benefit by being taught to see the world as declining, competitive, fragile, unjust, barren, not funny, and full of physical threats. The findings suggest otherwise. People with more negative beliefs about the world were found to be less healthy, suffered more frequent negative emotion states, were more likely depressed, were much less satisfied with their lives, and enjoyed dramatically less psychological flourishing. As the researchers concluded parents might consider pausing any well-meaning efforts to inculcate such negative beliefs in their children.

While we may be surrounded by bleakness, there is a case to be made for realistic optimism. I greatly appreciated Molly Jong-Fast’s uplifting reminder that It Won’t Be January Forever.

Time ticks away, seasons blend into each other, the warm weather will come back, days will get longer. There will be melting ice-cream and eating outdoors, and the warm sun on your shoulders. There will be walks in the park and movies and puppies. It won’t always be this gray.

This isn’t toxic positivity. It’s deliberate optimism. And it’s just what the doctor ordered.

“The Pessimist The Optimist” by Roz Chast / New Yorker Cartoons

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

Hidden Sources of Regret

If only I had moved to Boston…
If only I had taken that job…
If only I had stayed…
If only I had left…
If only I had married him…

These are all regrets I have heard before. Not surprisingly, regret comes up a lot in therapy. People yearn for those missed moments, squandered opportunities, and roads not taken.

In the short term, we tend to regret our actions more than inactions but in the long run, inaction is what haunts us. The phone call we didn’t make, the letter we didn’t send, the apology we didn’t make, the trip we didn’t take, the wedding we were too busy to attend. Regret is a complex emotional experience, often filled with shame, anger, guilt, disappointment, hopelessness, and of course a longing for a different outcome. As Kurt Vonnegut said, “Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are, ‘It might have been.'”

Some regrets are straightforward. Yes, you should have bought Apple stock thirty years ago but many regrets are fueled by our imagination. Endlessly fantasizing about how great life would be if you had made a different choice can turn into a particularly painful form of rumination.

“If only I had married my ex-girlfriend, I would be happy all the time. We would never fight. She would be deeply committed to me. We would laugh all the time and never argue.”

Dreaming about what could have been manifests in more mundane matters too. “If only I had ordered the steak instead of the salmon…”

Image: Roz Chast / The New Yorker

Idealizing the alternative can cause a great deal of needless anguish and unhappiness. Unrealistic daydreams about what could have been ensnare us in a nostalgia for an impossibly perfect world. Instead of looking forward, these longings keep us stuck in the past and locked into a wistful grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side mindset. Here are 3 ways to put regret into perspective:

1. Remove the rose-tinted glassesOdds are you are overestimating how great the alternative choice would have been. Instead of dwelling on the fantasy of perfection, consider the alternative through a more realistic lens. It is likely that life wouldn’t be all rainbows and unicorns if you had married your ex, ordered the steak, or mastered Mandarin during the pandemic. An awareness of how problematic or lackluster the alternative could have been will help keep needless regret at bay.2. How can I make what I have better?

Instead of dwelling on the past, focus on what you can do to give yourself a boost in the here and now. An action-orientation will restore agency and combat hopelessness. As an old friend used to say, the grass isn’t greener on the other side, the grass is greener where you water it.

3. Emphasize what’s good

What choices have you made that you are proud of? What has turned out well? What are you thankful for? Re-orienting yourself to the positives in your life is the antidote for regret. According to Chris Conley, the author of Emotional Equations, there is a formula for happiness:

Happiness = What you have ÷ What you want

When you are grateful for what you have and less fixated on what you long for, regret drifts away.

Of course, not all regret is bad. Regret can help us learn from experiences and anticipatory regret — imagining the regret we might feel in the future — can help us make better choices. The key is not to allow unrealistic fantasies of perfection and infinite happiness keep you stuck in the past.

“Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets.” — Arthur Miller

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

If You Live In Fear of Making a Mistake, Consider This

Why we prefer people who aren’t perfect, warts and all.

According to a classic study by psychologist Elliot Aronson, making mistakes can make us more likable. In fact, people who never make mistakes are perceived as less appealing than those who stumble once in a while. This is known as the Pratfall Effect.

In the famous experiment, participants were asked to listen to recordings of people answering challenging questions. Select recordings included the sound of the person being quizzed spilling a cup of coffee. When participants were asked to rate the likability of capable test takers, the spillers were deemed to be more appealing than those who had similar success but didn’t knock over their coffee. The researchers theorize that perfect people are unrelatable. The perception of flawlessness creates distance and breeds resentment whereas an occasional misstep draws people in. As Aronson and his colleagues observed:

“A blunder on the part of a superior person removes the onus of being “too good;” it increases his approachability and makes him seem less austere, more human…”

It is worth noting that for the Pratfall to operate, the person must be perceived as competent to begin with. A mistake made by an error-prone individual will not increase likability but the occasional misstep by a person already held in high regard is appealing.

The appreciation of imperfection applies to art as well. Ellen Langer, professor of Psychology at Harvard, explains:

With writing and art, mistakes tend to make the product more interesting. The major difference between a machine-made rug and a handmade one is that the regularity of the machine-made rug makes it uninteresting. Errors give the viewer something to hold onto.

When you make a mistake in a painting, if—instead of trying to correct the mistake—you incorporate it into what you are doing and go forward, you are working mindfully. When we ask viewers to choose between this kind of art and ‘flawless’ works, people say they prefer the mindfully created pieces.

There is elegance in imperfection. Beauty is in the cracks, the smudge, and the imperfect line. In an age of machine-made products, human touch is more valuable than ever. As with people, minor flaws can make objects more appealing.

Despite the undeniable appeal of imperfection, perfectionism is on the rise. Young people are more burdened than ever by the pressure to be perfect at school, in their social lives, and in appearance. Perfectionism is defined as a mix of excessively high personal standards and overly critical self-evaluations and can be an on-ramp for depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and self-harm.

Perfectionism can be broken down into 3 types:

Self-oriented

When perfectionism is directed toward the self, the individual holds unrealistic expectations of themselves and is extremely self-critical. A self-oriented perfectionist agrees with statements such as “one of my goals is to be perfect in everything I do” and “When I am working on something, I cannot relax until it is perfect.”

Other-oriented

Other oriented perfectionism is perfectionism turned outward. They set unrealistic expectations for others and evaluate them critically. Other-oriented perfectionists agree with statements such as “If I ask someone to do something, I expect it to be done flawlessly” and “I cannot stand to see people close to me make mistakes.”

Socially-prescribed

Socially prescribed perfectionism is the perception that other people and society require perfection at all times. Socially-prescribed perfectionists agree with statements such as “Anything that I do that is less than excellent will be seen as poor work by those around me” and “People expect nothing less than perfection from me.”

You can take the Perfectionism scale here.

The three types of perfectionism overlap and can exacerbate the effects of each other in negative ways. Thomas Curran, PhD, an assistant professor of psychology and behavioral science at the London School of Economics and Political Science posits that parents can help their children avoid the perfectionism gauntlet by teaching them that failure and imperfection are normal and natural. “Focusing on learning and development, not test scores or social media, helps children develop healthy self-esteem, which doesn’t depend on others’ validation or external metrics.”

I used to wear my pursuit of perfection on my sleeve. I thought of it as something to strive for. If ever confronted with the question “What is your greatest weakness?” in an interview I remember being told to respond with a classic my-weakness-is-actually-a-strength answer. Not surprisingly, “My greatest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist” was reliably met with approval. A willingness to relentlessly strive for more is an appealing characteristic in a world that values success above all else. After all, who wouldn’t want to hire a perfectionist? Everyone knows that perfectionism is something to strive for, right

Wrong.

Clinical psychologist Anne Wilson Schaef called perfectionism “self-abuse of the highest order.” Let’s strive for self-kindness instead.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

A Cure for FOMO

When you scroll less, you live more.

“Chill out. It’s not realistic to expect to be invited to everything.” These words of wisdom were not from a sage but from my 14-year-old daughter in response to my concern about her not being included in a classmate’s birthday party. She was find with it. I was the one feeling the sting of exclusion. I had FOMO on her behalf.

Fear of Missing Out (FOMO) is defined by researchers (yes, this is a genuine research topic) as “the pervasive apprehension that others might be having rewarding experiences from which one is absent.” Of course, there is nothing new about the concept—our ancestors didn’t like feeling left out either—but the advent of social networking apps like Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat and TikTok provide constant reminders of where everyone else is and where we’re not.

FOMO is soul-crushing and leaves us feeling unworthy, unwanted, and unloved. Not surprisingly, FOMO has been associated with increased stress experienced while using social media, with social networking addiction, the use of mobile phones while driving, decreased self-esteem, college maladjustment, poor sleep, and a range of other negative outcomes. It is characterized by the desire to stay continually connected with what others are doing.

Just how badly does FOMO make us feel? Andrew K. Przybylski of the University of Essex and collaborators created a Fear of Missing Out Scale consisting of 10 items scored on a scale of 1 (not at all true of me) to 5 (extremely true of me). Items included statements such as “I get anxious when I don’t know what my friends are up to,” “Sometimes, I wonder if I spend too much time keeping up with what is going on,” and “I fear others have more rewarding experiences than me.” The higher the score, the higher the distress.

 

“Motivational, emotional, and behavioral correlates of fear of missing out”


The more FOMO we feel, the more likely we are to turn to social media. The more we check social media, the worse we feel. It’s a vicious cycle of yearning for inclusion yet constantly feeling left out. Even the most socially confident aren’t immune. Lizzo captured the distressing feeling of FOMO in a relatable Instagram post: “Everything feels like rejection … it feels like the whole world be ghostin’ me sometimes.”

 

 

If logging off forever isn’t a realistic option, research offers a less radical approach. A study from the University of Pennsylvania entitled No More FOMO: Limiting Social Media Decreases Loneliness and Depression found that dialing down social media use to 30 minutes a day produced “significant improvement in well-being.” Participants felt less anxious, less depressed, less lonely, and less FOMO.

Here is one graph from the study depicting the decrease in loneliness people experienced when they limited their social media use:

No More FOMO: Limiting Social Media Decreases Loneliness and Depression

 

Here is another one showing the reduction in symptoms of depression:

No More FOMO: Limiting Social Media Decreases Loneliness and Depression

 

“When you’re not busy getting sucked into the clickbait social media, you’re actually spending more time on things that are more likely to make you feel better about your life,” explained researcher Melissa G. Hunt. Simply put, less time spent on social media means less time comparing oneself to others and more time connecting with friends and doing other things.


Bottom line: Don’t let the fear of missing out take you away from what gives your life meaning. Take a break. Put your phone down. Look up. The #nomakeup selfies, cat videos, and gender reveals will be there when you pick it back up.

When you scroll less, you live more. 

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

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