5 Strategies to Balance Your News Diet

The news these days is bleak. It’s no wonder that people are tuning out. According to the annual Reuters Institute Digital News Report, many are increasingly choosing to ration news consumption and are selectively avoiding the nonstop barrage of negative news stories.

A variety of factors contribute to selective news avoidance:

Source: Reuters Institute Digital News Report 2022

Almost a third of people in the survey say the news negatively impacts their mood. This finding goes hand in hand with research showing that relentless gloom and doom reporting affects mental health. In addition to worsening feelings of anxiety, sadness, and helplessness, there is evidence that it can lead to PTSD-like symptoms. In some cases, excessive news consumption may even be worse than being physically present at a traumatic event. People who were glued to coverage of the Boston Marathon bombing were more likely to report acute stress than those who were actually at or near the site. An endless stream of bad news can leave us feeling emotionally shaken.

Concept Creep

Negative news stories have also been shown to exacerbate personal worries that are unrelated to the content of the story itself. A story about a disheartening political situation can amplify concerns about your relationship with your partner. An item about a tragedy across the world can magnify worries about your finances. Enhanced catastrophizing of personal worries follows the bad news bandwagon. While tempting, becoming an ostrich isn’t the only option.

P.C. Vey / The New Yorker

Here is what you can do to keep up without burning out;

1. Be Picky

Designate a time—either once or twice a day—to get your news fix from an established source. One of my favorite trusted sources is Jessica Yellin on Instagram. She gives you the news without all the noise.

2. Less is More

Constantly refreshing your feed and scrolling for more information may give the impression that you are in the know but research suggests the opposite. Keep in mind that following a breaking event may make you feel more involved but will not make you more informed.

3. Follow the Facts

Skip commentary and media that predict what might happen. Listening to pundits and so-called experts weigh in on the future is basically glorified gossip and of little value. Read or watch stories that intelligently present digested and reliable information about what happened. Ignore the rest.

4. Neutralize Negativity Bias

The brain is wired to pay attention to information that unsettles or scares us. It is no wonder that outrage porn, best-selling author Mark Manson’s term for our addiction to negativity, hijacks our brains. The result is a doom-and-gloom view of the world. It’s difficult to imagine anything else when all we hear about is horrific events and evil doers. As Manson writes:

The news doesn’t show that the vast majority of people are good. They will help if they can. They care even if they’re confused about how to care or why. The news doesn’t teach you that most people won’t hurt you and even if they do, you will recover and be fine and stronger than before.

For every bad or sad story, there are lots of uplifting ones that don’t get any attention. I personally love Axios’ Finish Line.

5. Delight Hunting is the Antidote for Doom Scrolling

Be deliberate about generating positive emotions every single day and especially on bad news days. Researchers have found that the best way not to feel overwhelmed or paralyzed by the barrage of negativity is to counterbalance it with uplifts. Psychologist Jeff Larsen and his colleagues coined this the “coactivation model of mixed emotions.” The basic idea is that we are better equipped to grapple with negative emotions like sadness if we experience them concurrently with positive emotions like joy. Positive emotions provide a psychological buffer, making it easier to deal with the onslaught of negative information and by providing a counterweight to helplessness and resignation.

Once you gain control over how you get your news and where you get it from, not only will you be calmer and more productive, you will be better informed and in a position to make better decisions about what you want to do about it.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

Little Acts of Love Have a Big Impact

What makes a person feel loved? In the movies, it’s the dramatic expressions of love that melt our hearts. Think Rose and Jack on the bow in Titanic or my all time favorite, the boom box serenade in Say Anything. While romantic and certainly melodramatic, we don’t need grand gestures to generate an enduring experience of warmth and support in real life. It’s about little acts of love—the everyday gestures and expressions of warmth and support—that provide an abiding sense of connection. These micromoments may not be Instagram-worthy but they are more than worthwhile.

According to a study conducted by Penn State University, seemingly mundane moments and expressions of affection make all the difference when it comes to feelings of self-worth and positive wellbeing. The researchers found that people who experience frequent “felt love” or feelings of genuine resonance and connection with others report significantly higher levels of wellbeing, optimism, and purpose.

Felt love need not be romantic—it can take the form of a friendly chat with a neighbor, a co-worker offering to help out on a project, or a welcoming smile from a teacher. “Everyday felt love is conceptually much broader than romantic love. It’s those micromoments in your life when you experience resonance with someone. For example, if you’re talking to a neighbor and they express concern for your well-being, then you might resonate with that and experience it as a feeling of love, and that might improve your well-being.” said Zita Oravecz, assistant professor of human development and family studies.

The study was conducted over a course of four weeks. Each day, participants were sent six prompts at random times asking them to rate their feelings of felt love and wellbeing. Interestingly, as they study progressed and as participants were continually reminded to be aware of small positive gestures from others, they increasingly reported more felt love experiences. The experience of participating in the study turned into an upward spiral of positivity. Simply paying attention to everyday moments of felt love seemingly increased awareness of manifestations of love in the participants’ daily lives.

A recent survey found that seven in 10 people said frequent little gestures are “a thousand times more important” than the occasional big loving gesture. Sure, flowers and chocolates are nice but it’s the small acts of affection that make a person feel truly cared for and appreciated. Everyday life presents countless opportunities to feel love and to make others feel loved.

Here are three ways to make your loved ones feel more loved:

1. Pay Attention

Consistent high quality listening and responsiveness are essential for building and bolstering connection. Responsiveness entails signaling to the person that you genuinely understand, value, and care about them every single day. Rather than turning away, turn toward. Look up from your phone when they speak to you. Give them your full attention. Listen without judgement to what they have to say. Look at them with fresh eyes. Don’t allow intimacy or closeness to dampen curiosity. As the poet David Whyte observes, “Alertness is the hidden discipline of familiarity.” The act of paying attention is an act of love.

2. Quiet Acts of Kindness

Simple thoughtful gestures are the best reminders of love. When asked what little gestures would melt respondents’ hearts, a survey found that a third (35%) wished for someone to take care of dinner without having to ask. Thirty-four percent said doing the grocery shopping for them would be positively swoon-worthy and 32 percent would be thrilled if someone would fill their car with gas for them. Unlike heavy-handed gestures, the most effective kind of support is often invisible to the recipient. Moreover, acts of love are beneficial to the donor even if the recipient has no idea. Indeed, acting compassionately may be its own reward.

3. Acts of Grace

Assume positive intent. Give the benefit of the doubt. May your knee-jerk response be to commend rather than to criticize. Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg shared some advice given to her by her mother-in-law on her wedding day that captures the essence of grace: “In every good marriage, it helps sometimes to be a little deaf. I have followed that advice assiduously, and not only at home through 56 years of a marital partnership nonpareil. I have employed it as well in every workplace, including the Supreme Court. When a thoughtless or unkind word is spoken, best tune out. Reacting in anger or annoyance will not advance one’s ability to persuade.” Biting one’s tongue or letting it go can also be an act of love.

In the same way that little acts of love are the lifeblood of every good relationship, in their absence connection desiccates. In an article in The Atlantic, The Marriage Lesson That I Learned Too Late, author Matthew Fray writes about how love crumbles, closeness fades, goodwill evaporates, and trust melts away without the presence of felt love.

“The things that destroy love and marriage often disguise themselves as unimportant. Many dangerous things neither appear nor feel dangerous as they’re happening. They’re not bombs and gunshots. They’re pinpricks. They’re paper cuts. And that is the danger. When we don’t recognize something as threatening, then we’re not on guard. These tiny wounds start to bleed, and the bleed-out is so gradual that many of us don’t recognize the threat until it’s too late to stop it.”

He continues:

“If I had to distill the problems in failed relationships down to one idea, it would be our colossal failure to make the invisible visible, our failure to invest time and effort into developing awareness of what we otherwise might not notice in the busyness of daily life.”

Bottom line: To paraphrase William Wordsworth, the best portions of life are little, nameless unremembered acts of kindness and love. These micromoments may not be remembered but they are always felt.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

How Not to Make the Same Mistake Twice

Mike, 41, came to see me after splitting up with his girlfriend. It was the fourth relationship in five years that had gone wrong. He was frustrated. “Why do I keep making the same mistake over and over again?” he asked.

He declared he was ready to move on. “What’s the point of dwelling on it? What’s done is done.” He described himself as an expert in moving on. “Isn’t that healthy?” he continued. Well, yes and no.

Mike, like many people I meet, was good at rationalizing what had happened. “She wasn’t right for me in the first place.” “She had a really annoying laugh.” “She didn’t love sports as much as I do.” Making excuses about why the relationship didn’t work out was easier than focusing on how sad he was about it. Rationalizing what went wrong in the wake of a failure or disappointment is a common response. It protects us from dealing with unpleasant emotions and feeling badly about ourselves. It also helps justify our behavior.

A student gets a C on a paper and dismisses the bad grade as not mattering all that much. An employee receives negative feedback on a presentation and blames the client and convinces themselves they will do better next time. These self-protective measures enable us to get past disappointment, but do we learn from them?

Instead of sweeping discomfort under the proverbial rug, the best way to overcome a setback may be to lean into it. In a study entitled, Emotions Know Best: The Advantage of Emotional Versus Cognitive Responses to Failure, participants were asked to complete a simple task. If they succeeded, they were told they could win a cash prize. Alas, the task was rigged so that they all failed. One group was told to imagine focusing on their raw emotional response to losing while the other group was prompted to rationalize the loss. Both groups were then asked to complete a second task. The group that had been asked to embrace their feelings exerted 25% more effort than the rationalizers. Dwelling on the failure and the accompanying unpleasant feelings enabled the “feelings” group to learn from their mistakes and motivated them to work harder the next time.

From childhood, we are told to smile our way through challenges and not to dwell on mistakes, but, as the study shows, leapfrogging over messy unhappy feelings may not always be the best game plan. If we want to learn from our mistakes—at school, at work and in relationships—we need to lean into them.

The relentless emphasis on leading a stress-free-smiley-faced existence may be further exacerbating our discomfort with discomfort. “We live in a period in which there is a tremendous mandate for happiness,” therapist Esther Perel recently told CNBC Make It. These unrealistic expectations set us up for failure and burnout. In fact, despite what the toxic positivity gurus tell us about thinking happy thoughts all the time, a paper entitled When bad moods may not be so bad suggests the opposite: that if we embrace a bad mood, it won’t take such a toll on us.

I think of myself as a positive psychiatrist but that does not mean I think negative emotions should be pushed aside. As Mike observed a few weeks into therapy, “Maybe being the king of moving on isn’t the best strategy if I don’t want to make the same mistake twice.”

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

4 1/2 Ways to Deal With Someone Having a Meltdown

A friend was recently in line at his favorite bagel store and witnessed a scene that has become all too familiar: an adult having a meltdown. When the manager asked the customers to move the line so it didn’t block the entrance, one customer erupted in fury. Apparently, he didn’t appreciate being told where to stand. He began swearing loudly, berating the manager and insulting other customers for acting like “stupid sheep.” He stormed off, alas, without a bagel.

The stories keep coming about people acting out in stores, on planes, at restaurants, and even among friends and family. Everyday annoyances are met with outsized indignation these days. Tales of rudeness, carelessness, and anger abound. As Olga Khazan recently observed in The Atlantic, “everyone is acting so weird.”

It seems that angry and belligerent people are everywhere. Stress, isolation, and increased alcohol use are all likely contributors to this enraged state of affairs. Hopefully these incidents will die down as the pandemic loosens its grip. In the meantime, here are 4 1/2 strategies to cool off a meltdown.

1. Whatever you do, don’t tell the person to calm down.

Anger typically arises when someone feels threatened or out of control. Suggesting that they simmer down or chill out conveys that you don’t care or you don’t understand why they’re upset. Keep in mind that people typically get angry for legitimate reasons—they feel threatened, disrespected, wronged or treated unfairly. The emotion itself may be justified but how they express it may not be.

Instead of rolling your eyes or dismissing the person’s feelings, Dr. Ryan Martin, professor of psychology at the University of Wisconsin-Green Bay, suggests hearing them out. Genuine listening can tame a tantrum. Expressing empathy can defuse a flare-up. Show the person you get where they are coming from: “I would be really annoyed too” lets them know that you identify with their frustration.

Interestingly, for any business owners out there, there is evidence that customers who experience a problem with a product ending up feeling more loyalty to the company than those who don’t have any issues if—and this is a big if—they feel heard and respected. This is known as the “service recovery paradox.”

Business aside, treating people with respect gives them the chance to recover their dignity, regain composure, and recalibrate.

2. Don’t “catch” their foul mood

Emotions are contagious. If someone smiles at you, you smile back at them. When someone barks at you, barking back comes naturally. A foul mood can pass like wildfire from one person to another. As tempting as it is to meet an outburst with an outburst of your own, taking the high road is a better strategy. “People tend to match each other’s volumes, pace, and general tone, so instead of meeting the angry person where he or she is at—and escalating the situation—try to de-escalate the situation by subtly encouraging them to lower their voice” says Dr. Martin.

Along these lines, resist the impulse to insult or attack the person. Asking “What’s wrong with you?” is like pouring gasoline on a fire. Similarly, blanket statements that criticize the other person’s character, such as “Why do you always do this?” or “Here we go again…” will further fan the flames. Stay in the moment. Be as specific as you can. Avoid “why” questions—they invite defensiveness—and instead, focus on ways to help the person feel more in control. Be solution oriented to facilitate a shift from negative feelings to positive action.

Research published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology suggests that we have more control over how we respond to angry people than we might realize. According to the study’s findings, if our intention is to stay calm, we are relatively unfazed by angry people but if our intention is to get angry, then we are highly influenced by angry people. Their research challenges the idea that our responses are automatic or passive. If you don’t want your feathers ruffled, make the decision to be unflappable. Emotional contagion is real but not destiny.

3. Debunk the Catharsis Myth

Contrary to the message popular movies, news segments, and articles send about anger management, there is zero evidence that venting anger is helpful. Screaming at the top of your lungs into a dark winter’s night as a group of Boston moms did last year is unlikely to dial down frustration. Punching a pillow won’t “release” fury. In fact, research suggests that the opposite is true: blowing off steam makes us even hotter around the collar:

Source: Brad J. Bushman / Iowa State University

Put simply, angry behavior begets angry behavior. Screaming into a pillow makes it more likely you will scream at another human being. If you spend time with someone who is prone to meltdowns, discourage unproven anger management techniques that encourage simulations of anger and aggression. Breathing exercises, mindfulness, and cognitive based strategies are far more effective.

4. Walk away

If you feel threatened in any way, extract yourself from the situation. There is no reason to ever be someone else’s punching bag. Saying something along the lines of “Let’s discuss this later” or “I think we will have a more productive conversation tomorrow” gives you and the person an out. As the old saying goes, just because someone is angry doesn’t mean they have the right to be cruel. EVER.

1/2. Grey Rocking

There is little research behind this (hence the half point) but I thought it deserved a mention. The Grey Rock method involves responding to the other person in a factual but limited and unemotional way, such as using one word answers and communicating with minimal interaction. Behaving like a grey rock when someone is having a meltdown may help keep your cool and help them chill out.

Anger is never a comfortable emotion—in ourselves or in others. How we respond to it can make the situation better, as a recent article in the Wall Street Journal highlighted:

Source: Kate Murphy / The Wall Street Journal

Bottom line: Anger may be in the air but we don’t have to breathe it in.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

7 Ways Cognitive Distortion May Be Bending You Out of Shape

“My depression had grown on me as that vine had conquered the oak; a sucking thing that had wrapped itself around me, ugly and more alive than I,” describes best-selling author and psychologist Andrew Solomon in the Noonday Demon. Depression takes a serious and heartbreaking toll on people’s lives. In addition to being a risk factor for cognitive decline, disability, and mortality, depression robs people of the joy in their lives and depletes their vitality.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is one of the most effective treatments we have in the arsenal to manage depression. There is even evidence that CBT may prevent depression by inoculating individuals against tendencies that increase mental distress.

CBT is based on the idea that our thought patterns and deeply held beliefs about ourselves and the world around us shape our experiences and behavior. According to the theory underlying CBT, when we distort meaning, make erroneous interpretations, and engage in illogical reasoning, we are putting ourselves on a potential on-ramp to depression. CBT shows us an exit by disrupting self-defeating behaviors and beliefs. If it were up to me, I would incorporate CBT into every high school and college curriculum.

A key component of classic CBT is learning how to identify and fight automatic negative thoughts. Automatic negative thoughts are those knee-jerk responses we have wherever something annoying or even ambiguous occurs. For instance, imagine your flight is canceled or traffic is bumper to bumper or your friend doesn’t respond to a text you sent 6 hours ago. How do you respond? Many of us interpret these situations using what psychologists call “cognitive distortions” — unhelpful unrealistic, and maladaptive thinking patterns.

Here are some classic examples of cognitive distortions in response to adverse or ambiguous events:

Cognitive distortions have consequences. If you believe things never work out for you, you might stop trying. If you believe someone dislikes you, you might avoid them in the future. If you believe something terrible has happened, you might go into full panic mode.

Operating on false assumptions can send us down a rabbit hole of unnecessary and exhausting negative emotions and behaviors. Moreover, habitually engaging in these counter-productive thinking patterns puts us at risk of developing more serious mental health issues. Learning how to catch yourself engaging in cognitive distortions can disrupt patterns of negative thinking and their consequences.

Here are 7 common cognitive distortions to look out for:

1. All or Nothing Thinking
Believing that things are either good or bad. There are no shades of gray. Complexity and nuance are ignored and overlooked.

Classic example: “I’m either succeeding or I’m failing. There is no in between.”

2. Fortune Telling
Based on little or no experience, believing one knows what will happen next.

Classic example: “My boss wants to meet with me on Friday. I know I am getting fired.”

3. Mental Filtering
Discounting anything positive that might have happened and only focusing on the negative.

Classic example: “That experience was a complete and utter waste of time.”

4. Mind Reading
Assuming that we know exactly what another person is thinking and that it is critical.

Classic example: “I know she hates me just from the way she looks at me.”

5. Castrophozing
Imagining the worst case scenario. Overestimating the likelihood or meaning of something and blowing it out of proportion. Ordinary worries become epic disasters.

Classic example: “I haven’t heard from her in two hours. Something terrible has happened.”

6. Labeling
Characterizing oneself or others in an overly simplified and negative way. These shorthand descriptions limit us from seeing ourselves and others with empathy and understanding.

Classic example: “I am completely useless.”

7. Personalization
Taking things personally or blaming oneself when things are beyond our control. Assuming that you are being personally targeted without evidence.

Classic example: “Why do bad things always happen to me?”

If you suspect you are engaging in unhelpful thinking patterns, identify the distortion, gather evidence to look for alternative explanations, and consider what advice you would give to a friend in a similar situation. More often than not, it is the interpretation that causes us distress more than the event itself. Questioning assumptions and disrupting knee-jerk responses helps us see ourselves and others more clearly.

As the great actor Alan Alda observed, “Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won’t come in.”

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

How to Find a Therapist

May may be Mental Health Awareness Month but let’s be honest, mental health deserves the spotlight year round and every single day. The mental health toll of the pandemic has made this issue even more urgent. Rates of anxiety and depression among U.S. adults were about 4 times higher between April 2020 and August 2021 than they were in 2019. Some of the sharpest increases were among males, Asian Americans, young adults, and parents with children in the home, according to Centers for Disease Control and Prevention data.

 

Source: The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention


The World Health Organization defines health as “a state of complete, physical, mental, and social wellbeing and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity.” Put simply, there is no health without mental health.

My goal with The Dose is to shine the spotlight on different aspects of mental health each week. Today’s newsletter provides a framework for finding a therapist that works for you.

1. How do you know if you need therapy?

You are experiencing any of the following:

🔲 Trouble regulating your emotions

🔲 Burnout

🔲 Performing less effectively at school or work

🔲 Turning to unhealthy behaviors such as excessive alcohol use

🔲 Thoughts of self-harm or harming someone else

🔲 People close to you are concerned about you

Keep in mind:

Therapy isn’t only for addressing mental health struggles or a crisis. It can be for anyone going through a transition and a tool to give yourself a boost or help you thrive. People don’t only workout because they want to lose weight, they also workout to build strength and feel good. Similarly, going to a therapist can be like going to a mind gym to increase emotional flexibility and resilience.

2. How do you go about finding a therapist?

🔲 Consider personal preferences such as background and gender

🔲 Ask about credentials, expertise, and experience

🔲 Consider the type of therapy you are interested in

🔲 Ask your primary care provider or another trusted professional for a recommendation (The APA’s Psychologist Locator is an excellent resource)

🔲 Determine your budget (does your health insurance provide mental health benefits? Does your employer offer an Employee Assistance Program?)

Keep in mind:

While convenient, asking friends and family for a recommendation is not always the best idea. Just because something worked for them does not mean it will work for you. Also, sharing a therapist with a close family member or friend can be awkward and create trust issues.

Do not spend too much time looking for the “perfect therapist.” Remember, you could always end therapy if you realize during later sessions you and your therapist are not a good match.

3. What are the goals of therapy?

🔲 Identify your goals during the initial consultation and evaluate progress with your therapist on a regular basis

🔲 Stay flexible — as therapy unfolds, new goals may arise. Don’t be afraid to “re-goal.”

Keep in mind:

Therapy is a process.

4. How do you know it’s working?

🔲 You start to feel better! (Good therapy is like emotional windshield wipers — you begin to find clarity and perspective)

🔲 You begin to make positive behavior changes

🔲 You feel more optimistic

🔲 You are living your values

🔲 You are taking better care of yourself

Keep in mind:

The most important predictor of a positive outcome is a good connection between you and your therapist. This is known as the therapeutic alliance. Feeling safe, comfortable and valued is essential. Research shows that the relationship between patient and therapist has a significant impact on progress. In fact, an APA task force found that the type of therapy matters less than a good therapeutic connection. It makes sense that you are more likely to make positive changes when you feel supported by your therapist. A good therapist will challenge you. If you feel frustrated or like skipping a session, treat those feelings as data. Talk to your therapist. Communicate how you’re feeling. Working through uncomfortable emotions can be a gateway to growth.

Therapy doesn’t only have to be about fixing what’s wrong, it can also be about building what’s strong.

Image: Chris Cater / The New Yorker

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

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