One spring a patient named Margot came to my office feeling despondent. At the beginning of the year, she attended a seminar on the importance of self-care, which was titled, “Make This Year All About You.” The two-hour workshop emphasized how prioritizing oneself was a must to achieve happiness. Margot was instructed to put herself at the top of her to-do list and begin each morning by looking in the mirror and asking, “What do I need today?” She was told to make regular “dates” with herself and treat herself with a slice of her favorite cake or a manicure. At the end of the seminar, the attendees signed a contract pledging to give more love, kindness, and attention to themselves.

When Margot returned home, she withdrew from her book club so she could read the recommended self-help books. (Plus, she told me, because the club didn’t always choose books she liked, she felt further justified in her decision.) The signed pledge gave Margot the license to decline invitations that weren’t convenient or to her liking. She decided not to attend a friend’s birthday dinner because it wasn’t being held at a vegan restaurant. When her sister came to town for a visit, Margot barely made time to see her.

The upside of Margot’s newly adopted self-care regimen was that she was getting lots of sleep, eating a healthy diet, reading a self-help book a week, meeting with a life coach every two weeks, meditating thirty minutes a day, and getting plenty of exercise. For her vacation, she canceled a visit to see her grandmother and opted instead for a silent retreat. Yet in spite of her efforts to give back to herself, Margot said that her efforts hadn’t provided the boost she had hoped for. If anything, she told me in almost a whisper, she felt worse.

As I write about in my book, Everyday Vitality, when taken too far, self-help can be self-sabotaging, especially when it greenlights self-focus and cuts us off from others. If self-help isn’t the answer, what actually helps? While it may sound counterintuitive, other-help is what reliably gives us an enduring boost.

I told Margot about an experiment published in Emotion, in which volunteers were asked to choose one of three acts to perform each week for a month: to show kindness to others, to humanity, or to themselves. The groups that performed acts of kindness towards others or humanity experienced a greater boost than those who focused on themselves. A massage is relaxing and enjoyable in the moment, but the positive feeling fades quickly. When acts of kindness are other-oriented, not self-oriented, people feel better for longer. The study concluded that when “people do nice things for others, they may feel greater joy, contentment, and love, which in turn promote greater overall well-being and improve social relationships.” In short, a cascade of uplifts follows other-oriented actions—and they linger.

According to research published in Science, people also tend to feel better when they buy a gift for someone else than they do when they buy it for themselves. Plus, the happiness derived from giving things does not wear off in the same way as purchasing something for oneself does. Having can get boring, but the “warm glow” of doing something for someone sustained itself over the course of the study. A study published in Motivation and Emotion found that altruistic behavior can even dial down anxiety. People who are socially anxious were able to override feelings of insecurity and feel more confident after actively leading a helping hand, such as by mowing a neighbor’s lawn or doing a favor for a roommate. During the pandemic, graduate students who tutored high-school students reported improved mental health and reduced stress according to a study in Nature.

To be clear, I am not promoting self-neglect or martyrdom. Nor am I recommending a life that rivals that of a doormat. It is important to take care of yourself. All I am saying is that too much self-focus can become an excuse to shut ourselves away from the rest of the world. There is nothing wrong with doing good things for yourself, but taken to the extreme, it can turn into a justification for self-absorption.

Bottom Line: self-help might be all the rage, but it’s important not to forget other-help as a source of vitality and resilience.

Life often feels like a game of Wac-A-Mole or, as one patient put it, like an endless wave of attention-requiring energy-draining drudgery: “I basically crisis-surf all day.” Not surprisingly, when people report a lot of stress outside their romantic relationship, they also report more stress inside their romantic relationship. This “spillover stress” takes the form of harsh words, criticism, less forgiving behavior, fewer positive interactions and no doubt, more eye rolls.

Anyone who has ever had a bad day can relate. The moment we get home, we unzip that bursting-at-the-seams emotional backpack, filled with all the annoyances and hassles accumulated over the course of the day, and dump its contents on our partner’s lap. Venting, finger pointing, and laying blame typically follow. All too often, we cannot resist holding them responsible for the empty tank of gas, the broken dishwasher and the sick dog (“Weren’t you the last one to feed him?”).

Over time, this behavior functions like relationship anthrax—it poisons good will, asphyxiates intimacy, and propagates contempt. A study entitled “Under Pressure: The Effects of Stress on Positive and Negative Relationship Behaviors” published in the Journal of Social Psychology found that people gave 15% fewer compliments to their partner and were also more likely to want to flirt with someone else when experiencing “high stress.” In other words, not only do we roll our eyes more at the other person and interpret their behavior through a less glamorous lens when feeling flattened by the daily grind, we also tend to have more of a roving eye.

Unloading pent up frustrations on those closest to us erodes the quality of the relationship and usually ends up leaving us feeling even more stressed out. Research suggests an alternative more helpful strategy: instead of blaming the other person for your woes, focus on the big picture instead. For instance, during the 2007-2009 financial crisis, people who blamed the economy for their problems rather than the other person reported feeling happier than couples who blamed each other for their day-to-day money issues. Similarly, as described in a recent Scientific American Mind article entitled “It’s Not You, It’s COVID,” a study found that couples who blamed the pandemic for tension rather than each other stayed happier. Attributing stress to the coronavirus enabled them to cope more effectively together.

The research suggests that couples who present a united front against a stressor are better equipped to navigate tough times. Reframing obstacles as a shared challenge makes it easier to tackle as a team. As the researchers observe, when faced with a great deal of stress, “the ability to shift blame for relational distress away from each other and onto the stressor may inspire partners to unite in the face of a common threat.”

Bottom Line: Stress can tear us apart. It can also bring us closer.

In the first scenario, 60% agreed to let her use the photocopying machine ahead of them. In the second scenario, 94% allowed her to jump ahead. She provided a “legitimate” reason—she was in a rush. What is striking is the result of the third scenario. An astonishing 93% agreed to let her go ahead of them. The request is absurd: “because I have to make copies.” Everyone on the line needs to make copies. Simply by providing a reason, even a ridiculous one, people mindlessly allowed her to go ahead.

3. Ask In Person

If you really need a favor, arrange a face to face meeting. A study entitled Should I Ask Over Zoom, Phone, Email, or In-Person? Communication Channel and Predicted Versus Actual Compliance published November 2021 in Social Psychological and Personality Science found that we consistently underestimate the value of an in-person interaction. Participants expected there to be a small difference between asking for a favor via text message, over the phone, or on Zoom versus in person but did not realize how significant it would be. “When we are the ones asking for something, we think what matters is what we are asking for, rather than how we are asking for it,” explained co-author of the study Vanessa Bohns. In other words, the “how” matters as much if not more than the “what” and the “why.” While it’s certainly easier to send a text, pick up the phone, or write an email, we are less likely to get a “yes” from those modes of communication than if we made the effort to show up in person.

On a final note, next time you are reluctant to ask for a favor consider this: there is plenty of evidence to suggest that asking for a favor makes you more likable and can even improve your relationship with the “requestee.” Instead of being a burden, doing a favor for someone is more often a pleasure than a pain.

“When we give cheerfully and accept gratefully, everyone is blessed.” ― Maya Angelou