Entrepreneur Jim Rohn famously said,

You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.

While I am not convinced by the math behind this statement, I wholeheartedly believe we are influenced, for better or for worse, by those closest to us.

Friends and family are part of the kaleidoscope that determines who we are. They influence our decisions, our taste, our habits and our interests. New research shows they can even boost our intelligence.

In his new book, “Does Your Family Make You Smarter?” researcher James Flynn argues that intelligence is not fixed and explores how it can grow (or diminish) throughout the life span.  Spending time with bright people who challenge you, and having an intellectually demanding job, can raise your IQ by as much as 10 points.

According to Flynn, one of the best ways to boost intelligence is to marry someone smarter than you are. He conceives of the brain as a muscle—the more you use it the stronger it gets. What better way to flex your brainpower than to have a significant other who engages you in stimulating conversations and inspires you to stretch yourself intellectually?

Having a clever partner may also ward off dementia. During a lecture entitled Dementia, How Can We Protect Ourselves?, Professor Lawrence Whalley, emeritus professor of mental health in the College of Medicine and Life Sciences at the University of Aberdeen, said:

The thing a boy is never told he needs to do if he wants to live a longer life – but what he should do – is marry an intelligent woman. There is no better buffer than intelligence.

I recently attended a dinner where the artist Brice Marden was being honored. Instead of giving a long-winded speech, he simply expressed thanks to his brilliant wife:

Thank you Helen. It’s been an amazing conversation all these years.

Have brilliant conversations. Surround yourself with people who elevate you. It will elevate your IQ too.

Learning to “fight better” is a common theme in couple’s therapy. Don’t use the phrase “you always…” stick to the issue at hand, and by all means avoid saying anything negative about the other person’s mother.

Less focused upon and, in fact, a more effective strategy is learning how to celebrate one another. According to research, how we respond to our loved one’s good news is a better predictor of relationship quality than how couples handle disagreements.

In her research, Shelly Gable, professor of psychology at the University of California, demonstrates the benefits of responding with enthusiasm and support when a partner shares good news.

For example, imagine Maria comes home from her job as an associate at a law firm and excitedly tells her husband that she has been assigned to be the lead lawyer on a big case. Her husband might respond in one of the four following ways:

1. Active Constructive Response:  

“That’s awesome! What is the case about? Your hard work is really paying off. I am so excited for you. Tell me all about it.” He expresses genuine curiosity and actively listens to Maria tell him about it.

2. Passive Constructive Response: 

“That’s nice dear,” he mutters while checking email.

3. Active Destructive Response: 

“Are you sure you can handle it? That is going to be a lot of work. Maybe no one else wanted the case.” He focuses on the negative.

4. Passive Destructive Response: 

“You will never believe what happened to me today!” He hijacks the conversation to be about him.

The first one, the active constructive response, is the only response style associated with higher relationship quality and greater personal wellbeing. Studies show this style brings couples closer and enhances connection. The other three styles are all negatively associated with relationship quality.

Research shows active constructive responding is beneficial in all types of relationships—with friends, students, co-workers and children. It is about expressing interest and genuine curiosity in something a loved one shares and cares about.

Here is your assignment for the next week:

Listen carefully the next time someone you care about tells you something good that happened to them. It need not be earth shattering. Small good news is more than enough. It may be as simple as them showing you an article in a newspaper that interests them or telling you about a book they just finished. Give them your full attention. Look up from your phone. Ask questions. Relive the moment with them. It may feel strange at the beginning, especially for those who feel inclined to be the “voice of reason” but give it time.

It goes without saying that being there for a loved one during tough times is important.

Being there for them in good times matters too.

Conventional wisdom tells us it is best to avoid conflict in a relationship. After all, arguments tend to bring out our least appealing qualities: pettiness, hostility, and indifference, just to name a few.

But disagreements are inevitable. The temperature of the bedroom at night, the cap on the toothpaste, and how long the in-laws are staying are all potential minefields. But not all conflicts are bad. There is evidence that arguing can be good for a relationship; the key is how you argue. As long as you show respect and that you appreciate how the other person feels, conflicts will not damage your relationship. They might even bring you closer. If you are not on the same page about an issue, resist the temptation to be dismissive or hostile, which can send a crystal-clear message that you don’t care. Making the effort to understand people’s perspectives shows them that their point of view matters and that they are important to you.

So instead of avoiding disagreements, aim for courteous conflict instead. Adam Grant, professor of management and psychology at the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania, offered the following blueprint
in The New York Times:

1. “Frame the argument as a debate rather than a conflict.”

2. “Argue as if you’re right, but listen as if you’re wrong.”

3. Give the benefit of the doubt: “Make the most respectful interpretation of the other person’s perspective.”

4. “Acknowledge where you agree with your critics and what you’ve learned from them.”

You cannot agree on everything, but as long as you respect each other and communicate effectively, your relationship can not only survive disagreements but thrive working through them. Remember, love is respect.