Hello? Can You Hear Me Now? Put the Phone Away

When I am trying to get some work done, I place my phone face down on the desk and put it in silent mode. No pings, dings or vibrations to notify me of incoming messages, emails or calls.

But it turns out, this isn’t good enough. I can still see my phone.

Studies show that a visible cellphone decreases attention and the ability to perform tasks. Just having the phone within view takes a toll on my concentration. I now place it in a drawer.

Phones don’t just undermine productivity, they undermine quality time with loved ones, too. A study called “The IPhone effect” demonstrated how the mere presence of a phone can ruin a conversation:

In an experiment with 200 participants, researchers found that simply placing a mobile device on the table or having participants hold it in their hand was a detriment to their conversations. Any time the phone was visible, the quality of conversation was rated as less fulfilling than conversations that took place in the absence of mobile devices.

Family time is especially vulnerable. When children see their parents constantly on the phone, it sends a message about priorities. Dr. Steiner-Adair, author of The Big Disconnect: Protecting Childhood and Family Relationships in the Digital Age, recently commented about the impact of “half-there” parents at critical times of the day such as before and after school:

This should be a cell-free zone for everyone—no Bluetooth for parents or devices for kids. The pickup from school is a very important transitional time for kids, a time for them to download their day. Parents shouldn’t be saying, ‘Wait a minute, I have to finish this call.’

Make the choice to put your phone away when you are with another person, be it having dinner, driving somewhere, watching a movie, or going for a walk.

So, when it the best time to use your phone? When you are alone.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

Erika Christakis

Teacher, writer. I have spent the majority of my life in happy proximity to young children.

WHAT’S YOUR MOTTO?

Procrastination is underrated.

WHAT’S ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND?

Lip balm, candle, glasses, leaning tower of books, iPhone, dust.

WHAT GIVES YOU GOOSE BUMPS?

Nature (trees, especially).

WHAT IS YOUR BAD DAY BACKUP PLAN?

The wedding episode of “Outlander” and a pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream.

WHAT ARE YOU GRATEFUL FOR?

My husband’s love.

HOW DO YOU DEFINE SUCCESS?

Reaching a deeper understanding of someone or something.

BEST ADVICE YOU’VE EVER RECEIVED?

Remember that life generally grows more rewarding with each decade, and most people seem to get happier with age. This advice has really helped me to frame my narrative about myself at key stages of potential vulnerability, such as early adulthood and, later, during motherhood and menopause. Knowing that my happiness quotient would likely increase, not contract, has enabled me to be generous with my past mistakes and hopeful about my future.

BEST ADVICE YOU’VE EVER GIVEN?

I’m not sure this is my ‘best’ advice but it’s my consistent advice: Don’t compromise on love. Jobs come and go, even careers come and go. Those experiences are more interchangeable and more replaceable than generally acknowledged. But a strong relationship is worth making a sacrifice for; it can set you up for life.

WHAT ARE YOU WORKING ON NOW THAT YOU ARE EXCITED ABOUT?

A new book and the real-world experiences fueling it.

HOW DO YOU PRESS PAUSE?

Give or receive a hug.

WHAT DID YOUR 8-YEAR-OLD SELF LOVE DOING?

Reading books about disobedient children.

IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE MAGIC POWER WHAT WOULD IT BE?

Invisibility.

WHAT MAKES YOU FORGET TO EAT?

I would like to say, “seeing my children miserable makes me forget to eat,” but the real answer is: nothing.

WHAT 3 THINGS WOULD YOU GRAB IN A FIRE?

All my loved ones, human and canine. My laptop, because I always forget to back it up. And an album of letters I received on my 50th birthday from five decades of friends, family, and colleagues. That priceless gift was like attending my own funeral! Couldn’t part with it.

WHAT IS THE HARDEST THING YOU’VE EVER DONE – YOUR GREATEST CHALLENGE?

Facing, and growing from, public derision.

FAVORITE WORD?

“Oafish.” It makes people smile.

FAVORITE WORK OF ART?

Picasso’s “First Steps.” It’s a painting I recently discovered at the Yale University Art Gallery that really captures the power of a young child who feels loved and secure. What captivates me most is the child’s strong and very assertive left foot, with its curled toes, and the caregiver (mother?) tenderly clasping the baby’s right hand. The image is especially moving to me because Picasso painted it during the Nazi occupation of Paris; the look on the woman’s face is actually quite sorrowful. But the child is nonetheless protected by her love. Such a great lesson about what children really need from grownups!

FAVORITE BOOK?

I love Pride and Prejudice because it was the first book that allowed me to see my inner life as part of a much bigger human project. I couldn’t believe that a 19th century British writer could so perfectly read my mind and channel my emotions. I adored the epic Norwegian trilogy Kristin Lavransdatter for the same reason. For non-fiction, nothing beats a good George Orwell essay. My favorite is “Such, Such Were the Joys.”

To learn more about Erika, check out her website www.ErikaChristakis.com and follow her on:

Poke Me If You Like (and Don’t Like) Me

We are social creatures and crave companionship. So why do we often push the very people we care about away?

The 19th Century German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer was one of the first to explore this paradox that became known as “the porcupine’s dilemma.” It is a metaphor for how we simultaneously crave and reject intimacy and balance guardedness and vulnerability.

Imagine the following:

One cold winter’s day, a group of porcupines crowded together for warmth. However, the pain from the mass of quills soon caused them to separate again, until the cold forced them back together. And so they continued on this yo-yo, moving from one source of discomfort to another, until they found a distance that allowed them to live but without the benefits of the full warmth of community.

Schopenhauer observed that human relationships were remarkably similar. We sometimes poke the people we need the most.

Research corroborates Schopenhauer’s observation and sheds light on our inner porcupine. It turns out that people who live in fear of rejection are the most likely to retreat from others. It’s preemptive behavior.

Unfortunately, channeling one’s inner porcupine is a no-win strategy. Indulging in the I-will-leave-you-before-you-leave-me strategy doesn’t work for the human porcupine, nor does it work for the recipient of the imaginary sharp spines. Both end up alone.

My advice: Trim those quills.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

Reality Check: Who Are You & What Are You Doing?

Who has time to think about the “big questions” in life? Most people I know are too busy and overwhelmed these days with the demands of daily life to press pause and ponder existential issues.

Being honest, even if you did have the time, would you want to grapple with these big questions? Or rather, with the answers. As one patient — who we’ll call Patient Nietzsche for this piece — told me bluntly, it’s easier to avoid them:

Do you know what scares me the most? Being alone with my thoughts. I start thinking about my life and questioning my choices, and getting philosophical. I would rather focus on what I need to pack for my business trip or buy at the grocery store than what I am doing with my life.

I know exactly what Patient Nietzsche means. These questions often pop up when I am in transit — on an airplane, on a train, or driving somewhere. When I’m physically bound to one place. My knee-jerk response is to avoid them and to dive into a book or pray for strong WiFi so Instagram can save me from contemplating the meaning of it all. Why reflect when I can watch a cat video instead?

As tempting as it is to push them away, research shows it is worth the time and effort to channel your inner Jean-Paul Sartre. In a study entitled Suppressing Spiritual Struggles: The Role of Experiential Avoidance in Mental Health, the authors found that people who embrace existential and spiritual struggles and reflect on their values and beliefs are emotionally healthier than those who don’t.

As Dr. Julie Exline, one of the co-authors of the study explains:

Regular avoidance can make it difficult to identify, work toward or experience the qualities that lend a sense of purpose to life.

Taking the time to think about what matters to you is a great way to bring your values front and center in your life. When your daily decisions reflect your priorities and not just what you feel like in the moment, you strengthen your resilience and build your emotional reserves.

Here are a few questions to get you started:

Where am I headed and what is my ultimate personal goal?

How does my daily life reflect my priorities?

What do I value and how do my choices impact my values?

What are my responsibilities to my community and to make the world a better place?

Examining our values grounds us. Think of them as a compass to help make the right decisions at the right time.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

Are You Good Company?

There are some people we naturally love to be around. They are like sunspots, giving off warmth and radiating good energy. There are others we avoid like the plague. They suck the energy out of room and make us feel self-conscious and insecure.

Continue

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

What a Bucket of Popcorn Says About You

In the un-put-downable book Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard, the authors describe a famous popcorn study. Moviegoers were given a soda and a free bucket of popcorn on their way to see a 1:05 matinee of Mel Gibson’s Payback in 2000. They were handed either a medium size bucket or a large bucket—as the authors describe, looked like “the sort of tub that had once been an above-ground swimming pool.”

Unbeknownst to the moviegoers, the popcorn was stale. It was intentionally nasty— it had been popped five days earlier and was so stale that it “squeaked when you ate it.”

The researchers were exploring whether people with the bigger buckets would eat more popcorn. To precisely measure how much people ate, they weighed the buckets before and after the movie. The results shocked them: those with the large buckets ate 53 percent more popcorn than those with the medium size buckets. They quote the author of the study, highlighting how across the board, a bigger bucket leads to more eating:

We’ve run other popcorn studies, and the results are always the same, however we tweaked the details. It didn’t matter if our moviegoers were in Pennsylvania, Illinois, or Iowa, and it didn’t matter what kind of movie was showing; all of our popcorn studies led to the same conclusion. People eat more when you give them a bigger container. Period.

This research has implications for public health. As this study shows, people eat out of habit regardless of whether the popcorn tastes like Styrofoam peanuts. So rather than trying to educate them about switching habits or encouraging them to adopt better-snacking behaviors, there is a simple solution. Give them smaller buckets.

As the authors conclude:

What looks like a people problem is often a situation problem.

Bottom line:  Keep this in mind next time you are trying to make a small or big change.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

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