If you want to improve your ability to read someone else’s mind, stop thinking about yourself. Research shows that engaging with fictional characters through literature and on screen is a great way to boost emotional intelligence. Stories help us better understand the inner lives of others and offer an alternative narrative to our own.  As Atticus Finch, observes in To Kill a Mockingbird:

“You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view … until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.”

High-quality stories on screen or on the page requires us to stretch beyond ourselves and to imagine what it is like to be someone else. In relating to these characters and reflecting on their choices, we learn about them and, in the process, gain some insight about ourselves and the people we meet in real life.

A magnificent speech by Tom Hanks highlights how stories expand our world and stretch our minds:

That fantastic, glorious effort that goes into capturing moments in time that are real and accurate and make audience members think, “That’s like me! I wonder what I would do in those same circumstances?” As a little kid in the movie theater and as a 60-year-old man now, when I sit down in front of the screen and see it happening before me, I always ponder that question: “What would I do if I was in the circumstances of that man, that woman, that child, that android?”

Every time we read a work of literary fiction or watch a character on the screen, a little door opens within us and we get to pretend we are someone else. “Be yourself” is well-intentioned advice, but bear in mind that, at times, the best version of yourself may be when you are inspired by a character or, may I add, a spider, in a story. I just read Charlotte’s Web to my children and her dying words to Wilbur are everything:

“After all, what’s a life anyway? We’re born, we live a little, we die. A spider’s life can’t help being something of a mess with all this trapping and eating flies.  By helping you, perhaps I was trying to lift up my life a trifle.  Heaven knows, anyone’s life can stand a little of that.”

Here are a few of my favorite books:

My Mrs. Brown: A Novel by William Norwich

The Expatriates: A Novel by Janice Y. K. Lee

The House of Mirth by Edith Wharton

Eleven Days by Lea Carpenter

Far, Far Away by Tom McNeal

Dead Wake: The Last Crossing of the Lusitania by Erik Larson

The Machine Stops by E.M. Forster

Memoirs of a Polar Bear by Yoko Tawada

The benefits of relationships and canoodling abound. Yet contrary to what some men may claim in locker rooms, dorm rooms, and after one too many hours at happy hour, more sexual partners does not equal more happiness.

Scientists examined data from 16,000 Americans and found that:

The happiness‐maximizing number of sexual partners in the previous year is calculated to be 1.

That’s right, according to research, one sexual partner over the span of 365 days is the ideal number to achieve happiness (and that’s not a euphemism). One is better than two or 200.

These findings run contrary to the Coolidge Effect, an anecdotal story about President and Mrs. Coolidge visiting a poultry farm in the 1920s:

The President and Mrs. Coolidge were being shown separately around an experimental government farm. When Mrs. Coolidge came to the chicken yard she noticed that a rooster was mating very frequently. She asked the attendant how often that happened and was told, “Dozens of times each day.” Mrs. Coolidge said, “Tell that to the President when he comes by.” Upon being told, President asked, “Same hen every time?” The reply was, “Oh, no, Mr. President, a different hen every time.” President: “Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge.”

Thus was born the Coolidge Effect: the tendency of the males of most mammal species to seek variety in sexual partners and exhibit greater sexual desire for new partners, even after ‘exhausting’ themselves with previous partners. Study after study shows that rats and hamsters most definitely exhibit the Coolidge Effect.

So what about humans? There are two sides to the equation, one spurred by evolution and survival of the fittest and one spurred by the mental health of an evolved species in modern times. While we may be biologically wired to follow the Coolidge Effect to guard against putting all our eggs in one basket, the study clearly shows one sexual partner a year optimizes happiness and a meaningful life.

Bottom line: monogamy rules.

When I am trying to get some work done, I place my phone face down on the desk and put it in silent mode. No pings, dings or vibrations to notify me of incoming messages, emails or calls.

But it turns out, this isn’t good enough. I can still see my phone.

Studies show that a visible cellphone decreases attention and the ability to perform tasks. Just having the phone within view takes a toll on my concentration. I now place it in a drawer.

Phones don’t just undermine productivity, they undermine quality time with loved ones, too. A study called “The IPhone effect” demonstrated how the mere presence of a phone can ruin a conversation:

In an experiment with 200 participants, researchers found that simply placing a mobile device on the table or having participants hold it in their hand was a detriment to their conversations. Any time the phone was visible, the quality of conversation was rated as less fulfilling than conversations that took place in the absence of mobile devices.

Family time is especially vulnerable. When children see their parents constantly on the phone, it sends a message about priorities. Dr. Steiner-Adair, author of The Big Disconnect: Protecting Childhood and Family Relationships in the Digital Age, recently commented about the impact of “half-there” parents at critical times of the day such as before and after school:

This should be a cell-free zone for everyone—no Bluetooth for parents or devices for kids. The pickup from school is a very important transitional time for kids, a time for them to download their day. Parents shouldn’t be saying, ‘Wait a minute, I have to finish this call.’

Make the choice to put your phone away when you are with another person, be it having dinner, driving somewhere, watching a movie, or going for a walk.

So, when it the best time to use your phone? When you are alone.