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Do You Have a Ghost Life?
Do you ever wonder about your unlived life? Do you ever wonder about the life you might have had? I have a patient, S, who was obsessed with her unlived life, her “ghost life,” as she called it. She constantly thought about what would have happened if she had married a different man, if she had continued to practice law, if she had moved to Italy after college, and so on.
She was full of “What ifs…” “What if I had said no when Jack proposed?” “What if I had insisted on moving to the country?”
Looking back on what could have been or should have been was a constant source of angst, a thorn in her side. She was always second guessing herself. If only she had made a different decision, she believed, she might have been happier. She loved her husband and she knew she had a “good life” but she couldn’t help but wonder, “What if….”
I was concerned that the relentless comparison of the life she had to the one she almost had was bordering on obsessive and unhealthy. It seemed like a particularly unforgiving and self-flagellating strain of self-comparison. Her concern about what she was missing out on was eclipsing everything else. It was FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) on steroids.
I did my best to guide S’ attention toward the goods thing in her life. I suggested she keep a gratitude list. I encouraged loving kindness meditation. We explored the fantasies of her unlived life. None of it helped loosen its hold on her. I needed a different approach.
I had heard about a book by psychoanalyst Adam Phillips, Missing Out, and found it to be illuminating. Rather than letting go of our unlived lives, Phillips encourages us to make peace with them and to learn from them:
“Our fantasy lives are not—or not necessarily—alternatives to, or refuges from those real lives, but an essential part of them….So we may need to think of ourselves as always living a double life, the one that we wish for, and the one that we practice; the one that never happens and the one that keeps happening.”
It is through our frustrations, he argues, that we can begin to understand what we truly want. By revealing what we long for and dream about, our unlived lives can bring us closer to what we value most and, ultimately, make the lives we have more satisfying.
I gave S a copy of the book too. Instead of endlessly mourning the life she didn’t have, she began to think of her ghost life as a tool to help her figure out what she could do differently in her current life. She had come to therapy to get away from the recurrent fantasies of an unlived life. It made her feel guilty and incomplete. It made her question her choices. She no longer felt this way. She told me, “I realize, my ghost life is just that—a ghost. It’s not here to frighten me or lead me astray. It is just passing by.”
I came across a beautiful observation about our unlived lives by author Cheryl Strayed that echoes S’s sentiment:
“I’ll never know, and neither will you, of the life you don’t choose. We’ll only know that whatever that sister life was, it was important and beautiful and not ours. It was the ghost ship that didn’t carry us. There’s nothing to do but salute it from the shore.”
― Cheryl Strayed, Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from…
I wish you all the best,
Dr. Samantha Boardman
Makeup Mismanagement
Ancient Egyptians used copper, lead and malachite to color and define their faces and kohl to line their eyes. Ancient Greeks used crushed mulberries as rouge, oxen hair as fake eyelashes, and clay mixed with red iron as lipstick. During the Middle Ages, Europeans applied carbonate, hydroxide, and lead oxide as foundation.
Indeed, since the beginning of time women have been adorning their faces and bodies to make themselves more beautiful. Over the course of their lifetimes today, most women will spend approximately $13,000 on beauty products and one year and three months applying makeup. The question is why are women doing this and, more importantly, is it worth the time and money?
A study sheds light on these questions. Researchers asked test subjects to rate the attractiveness of women with varying degrees of makeup. The results showed that both men and women prefer faces with less makeup – bad news for fans of a “more is more” look.
Given that a natural look is preferred by both genders, why do some women apply so much makeup? The study’s lead scientists attribute this to misperception. When test participants were asked what they believe men prefer, they found that women mistakenly assumed men prefer women who wear more makeup. According to the researchers:
These results suggest that women are likely wearing cosmetics to appeal to the mistaken preferences of others.
As the study shows, too much makeup isn’t appealing. It may even be sending the wrong message: that you are trying too hard, have too much time on your hands, or are trying to hide something. Furthermore, it might even be making you look older.
Makeup can only make you look pretty on the outside but it doesn’t help if you’re ugly on the inside. Unless you eat the make-up. ~ Audrey Hepburn
I wish you all the best,
Dr. Samantha Boardman
Make Love Last
Novelty wears off in life and love. Researchers call this process of getting used to things hedonic adaptation. Positive psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky explores how love changes over time. Quoting Raymond Chandler, she captures the changing nature of love perfectly:
“The first kiss is magic. The second is intimate. The third is routine.”
No matter how hopelessly (or hopefully) romantic you are, falling in love and staying in love are two different experiences. According to Lyubomirsky’s research, the initial burst of happiness people experience after falling in love abates over time. That doesn’t mean the love is gone. It turns from “passionate love” into “companionate love” which is based on shared beliefs, mutual respect and commitment.
In her book The Myth of Happiness, Lyubomirsky suggests a few simple, practical ways to address the pitfalls of hedonic adaptation in relationships. Her insights combine common sense with scientific research.
Appreciation
As we settle into our lives with a partner, day-to-day demands can crowd out expressions of appreciation that were easy and spontaneous at the beginning of the relationship. She suggests writing down things that you appreciate about your partner to slow the “adaptation” process. Another strategy is to imagine life without your partner. The point is not to take your relationship for granted.
Variation
Variety is the key to avoiding stagnation in a relationship. Lyubomirsky suggests learning something new together like a language, taking a dance or cooking class. Routines may be necessary but it’s important to balance them with excitement.
Surprise
Spontaneity makes a difference. Studies show that people are reminded of their attraction to their partner when they see them in an unexpected context — like watching them give a speech if they never have before, or running a marathon for the first time. It reminds them that there is more to the person they brush their teeth next to in the morning.
“The art of love… is largely the art of persistence.” ~Albert Ellis
I wish you all the best,
Dr. Samantha Boardman
Alexandra Trower
Alexandra Trower is the Executive Vice President of Global Communications at The Estée Lauder Companies and leads corporate, social, crisis, philanthropic and Lauder family communications.
