Master The Art of Small Talk

Over the next few weeks, many will be attending family gatherings and holiday parties for the first time in two years. Concern about rusty social skills is amplifying anxiety. “I don’t know how to make small talk anymore,” explained my patient. “I dread awkward silences. Even worse, what if there is a lull and the conversation turns to politics? At least on Zoom Thanksgiving it was possible to pretend my internet was glitching.”

It’s time to stop agonizing about your ability to make better chit chat. Studies show that it’s “deep talk” that we crave and there are simple strategies to make more of it and none of them involve politics. We long for substantive exchanges though fewer than half of people’s conversations are deemed meaningful. People who spend more time engaging in deep conversations tend to be happier than those who spend their days chit chatting about the weather or what they ate for dinner.

There are many reasons people mistakenly think it’s better to “keep it light.” For starters, we underestimate how much others care about our interests and the details of our lives. We also overestimate the awkwardness of a deep conversation. (The reality is that shallow conversations can be extremely awkward). Additionally, we under appreciate how connected we will feel to our conversation partner after a meaningful exchange and how much we will enjoy the conversation. Put simply, the barriers to having more meaningful conversations are all in our head.

Dr. Arthur Aron of Stonybrook University created a list of 36 questions proven to enhance and generate closeness.

Here are some examples:

  • Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
  • For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
  • If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
  • Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
  • What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
  • What does friendship mean to you?

Belonging is a fundamental human need and deep talk is one way to enhance our connection to others.


Bottom line: Social life and the holidays in particular provide many opportunities not only to engage, but to engage more deeply. Stop worrying about making meaningless small talk and go deep instead.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

An Antidote for Pathological People-Pleasing

John Templeton famously said, “It’s nice to be important but it’s more important to be nice.”

Science backs this up. Nice people live longer, they are happier and they are less stressed. That said, being “too nice” isn’t healthy either. Those who never say no and who always give at their own expense run the risk of becoming doormats. Being too much of a people pleaser often leads to festering resentment in the pleaser and the perception that you’re insecure and needy in the people you’re trying to please. There are no benefits to feeling manipulated, depleted and disrespected.

My patient, M, was convinced that the only reason people liked her was because she was so nice. She was the person who would take on extra work at the office with a smile, who would enthusiastically agree to take the garbage out, and who would “happily” drive forty-five minutes out of her way to drop off a friend. “Being nice is my currency,” she explained. If she stopped being so nice, she feared people would stop caring about her.

I asked her to think about what being nice entailed. She told me that being nice meant keeping her thoughts to herself and always doing what other people wanted her to do. Essentially, nice in her mind, translated into being a pushover. I then asked her to think about what being kind entailed. She felt kindness was about staying true to her values and expressing herself with honesty and integrity. There was agency and sincerity in kindness. It felt like a choice, not a rule she had to follow. It became increasingly apparent to M that there was a difference between being nice and being kind.

A few days later, a friend asked her to pick him up after a flight into JFK on a Saturday morning. In the past, she would have immediately said yes. This time, she decided to be kind to herself and declined. She told him she wanted to sleep in and suggested they have lunch later in the day so they could spend more quality time together. Saying no to him may not have been the “nice” thing to do, but it was the kind thing to do because she felt heard and it strengthened their connection.

Next time you find yourself venturing into people-pleasing territory, ask yourself this simple question, “Am I being nice or am I being kind?” Choose kindness every time.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

What Makes a Good Doctor?

“I don’t care if she’s nice. I just care that she’s the best.” My patient’s internist was retiring and he was eager to find a new one. Like most people, he relied on credentials and reputation to assess expertise. “Where did she go to medical school?,” he asked. “Is she on New York Magazine’s Best Doctors list?” How caring or warm she is didn’t factor into his analysis. He believed that competence, not kindness, mattered most.

Research from Stanford University suggests otherwise. Volunteers in a study were pricked on their forearm with histamine which acts like a mosquito bite, causing the skin to become red and itchy. The volunteers were then briefly examined by a friendly doctor who offered a few words of encouragement or a silent type who assessed the reaction but did not offer any reassurance. The volunteers who had a warm interaction not only reported less itchiness, they also said their symptoms resolved more rapidly than those who were seen by the “strictly business” physician. If interactions don’t matter, then both sets of patients would have been expected to report similar experiences.

What this study shows us is that the doctor-patient relationship matters more than you might think. Knowing your doctor cares about you can affect your experience and health outcomes. A doctor who calls you by name, who looks you in the eye, who smiles and chats, and who expresses genuine concern for your wellbeing can help you heal. A doctor who rolls his eyes at your complaints or tells you “you’re fine” when you’re not feeling fine is actually bad for your health.

As one of the researchers concluded:

We often think the only parts of medical care that really matter are the “active” ingredients of medicine: the diagnosis, prognosis and treatment. But focusing only on these ingredients leaves important components of care underappreciated and underutilized. To really help people flourish, health care works better when it includes caring.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

Alix Peabody

Alix Peabody founded The Alixir Company in June 2017 and launched their first product, Bev, in May 2018. Bev, a canned Rose company, was founded in part to redefine the beverage industry and speak to and about women in a positive, authentic way.

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What You and Leonardo da Vinci Have in Common

I have always thought of creativity as something you are either born with or not. Without disclosing too much, I didn’t win any awards in art class. But research tells a different story. A study found that imagining you are an eccentric poet can significantly boost divergent thinking, a key indicator of creative potential.  

The people in the experiment who channeled their inner Lord Byron managed to generate significantly more original ideas when asked to generate creative uses of everyday objects. Those who were instructed to imagine themselves as rigid librarians were not as successful on the divergent thinking task.

Divergent thinking enables people to see problems from many perspectives and to generate novel solutions, concepts, and ideas. Leonardo da Vinci, Steve Jobs, Lin Manuel Miranda, and Ai Weiwei are all classic divergent thinkers. According to the study, with a little imagination, you can be too.   

There are those who would have us believe that you must always be yourself but as this study underscores, always being yourself might be holding you back. Psychologically removing yourself from a situation and the social constraints reality imposes frees you to become the person you would like to be. Acting like someone who has the capabilities you strive for enables you to access them for yourself. Dress up as your creative hero this Halloween. Any ideas for a good Leonardo costume?

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

I Want It And I Want It Now

Patience may be a virtue but it’s wearing thin. A study of over 2000 British adults confirmed what most of us already know, we hate to wait and we are less patient than ever.

Frustration sets in after:

  • 25 seconds of waiting for a traffic light to turn green

  • 20 seconds for ink to dry on a greeting card

  • 18 seconds looking for a pen

  • 16 seconds of waiting for a webpage to load

  • 14 minutes waiting for an order to arrive in a restaurant

People don’t even have the patience for experiences traditionally associated with relaxation:

“Even a cup of tea, an undeniable symbol of British leisure time, incited anger among respondents if the kettle took more than 28 seconds to boil.”

The study did not inquire what would happen if they had to wait for milk and sugar.

Despite the desire for immediate gratification and growing impatience, the reality is that everyday life requires a great deal of patience. Whether it’s waiting for a subway, standing in line at the DMV, grasping a difficult concept, completing a challenging project, or dealing with a difficult person, knowing how to cope with frustration is important for wellbeing and goal achievement.

While most people think of patience as a trait people either have–as in, “Samantha is such a patient person” or don’t have, research shows that patience can be increased. Gratitude, meditation, and emotional regulation strategies like reappraisal have all been shown to help people grow their patience muscle.

One last thought, model patience for your kids. You can react to a traffic jam by honking your horn or shouting out the window or you could think of it as more quality time to spend with your child.

“Patience is bitter but its fruit is sweet.” Aristotle 

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

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