Are You Experiencing Decision Paralysis?

The number, frequency, and urgency of decisions that demand our attention on a daily basis are exhausting. Here are 5 strategies that might help.

Cream or Milk?

Do you want fries with that?

Should I bring an umbrella?

Our days are essentially one decision after another. The number, frequency, and urgency of decisions that demand our attention on a daily basis are exhausting. Decision-making has gotten even harder during the pandemic. As one patient told me recently, “It took me 10 minutes to decide if I should give my dog a bath today or tomorrow. I overthink everything. Every decision feels momentous.” Another told me that she and her partner took so long deciding what movie to watch they gave up after an hour of watching trailers. The idea of committing to anything feels daunting.

Increasing numbers report “decision paralysis” over minor and relatively inconsequential decisions. Nearly one-third of adults (32%) said sometimes they are so stressed about the coronavirus pandemic that they struggle to make basic decisions, such as what to wear or what to eat. Millennials (48%) were particularly likely to struggle with this when compared with other groups (Gen Z adults: 37%, Gen Xers: 32%, Boomers: 14%, older adults: 3%).

Sustained stress drains our cognitive resources, and the uncertainty of the pandemic has left many feeling emotionally exhausted and overwhelmed. Our brains are buckling under an endless stream of information, making it even harder to make good choices and focus our energy productively.

These days, the risks and benefits of participating in basic activities require ongoing assessment and evaluation. From attending social gatherings to going to a restaurant to taking public transportation, we have to ask ourselves, “Should I or shouldn’t I?”

Cognitive overload makes it challenging to process, sort, and prioritize data. As a friend put it recently, “Every decision makes me feel like Edvard Munch’s ‘The Scream.’ I just want to hold my head and shout ‘I don’t know.'”

If you are experiencing decision paralysis, here are 5 strategies that might help.

1. Stick to a routine

Establishing a predictable routine will help keep minor decisions at a minimum. Wash the dog on Sundays. Call your grandmother on Fridays. Schedule a walk with a friend on Saturdays. Structure leaves less wiggle room for indecision. Plus, research from the University of Southern California found that establishing healthy habits makes us more likely to default to them during periods of stress. For instance, participants who regularly ate oatmeal for breakfast during the semester were more likely to eat a healthy breakfast during exams. Students who ate unhealthy breakfasts during the semester — such as pastries or doughnuts — ate even more junk food during exams.

2. Be your own Choice Architect

Instead of depleting valuable cognitive resources to guide you through each and every decision, eliminate unnecessary choices. Steve Jobs famously wore a black turtleneck every day so he didn’t have to waste time thinking about what to wear. I have a friend who always orders the special in a restaurant so he doesn’t have to bother with the endless options on the menu. As your own choice architect, design your surroundings to promote choices that reflect your values. Fill your refrigerator with healthy options to spare, turn your bedroom into a sleep sanctuary, and place your sneakers by the front door to remind you to go for a walk. Making it harder to choose behaviors that don’t align with your values makes it easy to choose behaviors that do. Eliminate vitality draining options. If you throw out the candy bar in your desk drawer, you won’t waste time thinking about whether or not you should eat it.

3. Aim for good enough

Instead of investing substantial time and effort mulling over the details of every option, aim for good enough. Research in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that Maximizers, people who agonize endlessly over decisions, experience more regret and lower levels of happiness than Satisficers. If you are exhibiting Maximizing tendencies, consider the following exercise. Over the next week, make one choice every day that is “good enough.” For example, if deciding what to cook for dinner, throw together what you already have in the fridge. If in need of a new toothpaste, close your eyes and pull one off the shelf. Later in the day, reflect on why this choice was a fine choice as well as the benefits of deciding without relentless deliberation.

4. Remember to HALT

If decision fatigue is depleting your energy stores and willpower, don’t forget to HALT.

HALT stands for:

Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired

If you are experiencing any of the above, you may be vulnerable to making impulsive or suboptimal choices. The key is to recognize how these states might influence your decision-making capacity and to press pause before rushing into a decision you might later regret. Next time decision paralysis kicks in, ask yourself: Am I hungry, angry, lonely, or tired? Eating a snack, taking a walk, calling a friend, and getting a good night’s sleep might work wonders. As the old saying goes, don’t make a permanent decision because of a temporary emotion.

5. Perform a pre-mortem


Doctors perform a post-mortem when a patient dies to figure out the cause of death. A pre-mortem is the hypothetical opposite. Instead of waiting for “the end” to figure out what went wrong, a pre-mortem is a hypothetical exercise that you perform before a decision has been made. The idea is to imagine yourself in the future and that the decision you made did not turn out well. For instance, perhaps you are considering leaving your job. The upsides are obvious to you. To make sure you aren’t missing anything, fast forward in your mind three months and imagine that you are bored, lonely, and concerned about finances. By forcing yourself to imagine scenarios that turn out to be sub-optimal, you can pick up. blind spots in your thinking according to psychologist Gary Klein.


Bottom line: Don’t be a squirrel when it comes to making decisions.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

The Best Gift You Can Give is the Gift of Presence

You will have a better holiday if you put your phone away.

A study from the University of British Columbia found that phones make social interactions less fun.

“When we use our phones while we are spending time with people we care about—apart from offending them—we enjoy the experience less” explained one of the researchers, Ryan Dwyer.

When phones were on the table, participants reported more boredom during the meal. This finding surprised the researchers—they assumed that people would be less bored when they had access to their phones because they could entertain themselves if there was a lull in the conversation.

The joy-dampening effects of phones extend beyond the dinner table. In-person social interactions suffer when we are on our phones – be it at work, watching a movie, or taking a walk. Just the sight of a phone—yours or someone else’s—is enough to undermine the quality of a conversation.

Bottom line: There is a real and detectable benefit from putting your phone away when you’re spending time with friends and family.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

Feeling Socially Stuffed? Have an Exit Strategy

Making a big entrance may be important, but don’t underestimate the benefits of having an exit strategy.

“I love you all dearly but want you all out by 10pm,” announced my friend with a huge smile. While not the typical dinner party greeting, I greatly appreciate her crystal clear message: enjoy but don’t overstay your welcome. My friend loves having people over but she also knows her limits. “Why not be up front about it?” she asked when I inquired about her bluntness. “I love my friends but I also love my bed. Knowing there is an end in sight alleviates my anxiety that it will go on forever.”

Socializing can be exhausting, especially during the holidays. It is no wonder that many complain about having a “social hangover” after a night out.

Social media posts go viral trying to capture the longing to communicate social satiety without offending anyone. Some of my favorites include:

  • In Japan, you serve people appetizers at a party all night long, and then when you’re ready for them to leave you serve them a hearty soup.
  • A group of friends who agreed that when someone is ready to leave, they’ll use the code word “Dick Wolf,” the Executive Producer of Law and Order.
  • Many variations on excuses for sick pets, children, and significant others who are, in fact, not sick at all.

The popularity of these posts and the comments they generated speak to our anxiety about having a way out of social situations when we have hit our limit.

If “ich fuhle mich jetzt genug beucht” doesn’t roll off your tongue and the other suggestions aren’t your style, here are some social extraction protocols that might help when you are feeling “visited enough.”

1. Set a time limit

In the same way that my friend builds an exit strategy into her dinner parties, explicitly communicate your time frame. “I have an early appointment tomorrow morning” and “I’m on my way to… (fill in the blank),” clearly convey that you don’t have all the time in the world to linger. This is especially helpful for over-talkers and serial clingers.

2. “Because” works wonders

As described in Robert Cialdini’s book Influence, people like explanations and the word “because” provides one or at least the illusion of one. There is a difference between saying “I have to go to bed” and “I have to go to bed because it’s so late.” People tend to be much more understanding when we give them a reason.

3. Enlist a partner

Work with a friend or your partner to move people along. Apparently a bartender go-to trick is to tell guests “You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here.”

Bottom Line: Making a big entrance may be important, but don’t underestimate the benefits of having an exit strategy. For those feeling socially spent, knowing you have an out will make your night out more enjoyable.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

If You Are Having Trouble Falling Asleep, Try This Science-Backed Method

“If I had a penny for every article I read on why getting enough sleep matters, I would be a rich man,” grumbled my exasperated patient. He had read countless stories on why sleep is important. From a better mood to a slimmer waistline to a better sex life, he was well aware of the benefits of getting a good night’s sleep. Alas, I decided not to mention a new study that found going to bed between 10 and 11 pm reduces risk of heart disease.

He didn’t need more information on WHY sleep is as vital as the air we breathe or the food we eat. What he needed was an actionable strategy outlining HOW to fall asleep.

Like many people I know, he had difficulty getting into sleep mode. The moment he got into bed and turned the lights off, his mind woke up. No matter how exhausted he was, his thoughts started dancing the second his head hit the pillow.

We may have gained an extra hour last weekend but that doesn’t necessarily mean that we gained an extra hour of sleep. Only a small number take advantage of the added slumber time. In fact, many feel more sleep deprived because the shift in the body’s daily sleep-wake cycle can disrupt sleep for several days.

If you are having trouble falling asleep, the 4-7-8 technique can help you quiet your unquiet mind. It’s the stuff sweet dreams are made of.

“Insomnia is a glamorous term for thoughts you forgot to have in the day.” — Alain de Botton

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

Q+A | Whenever I’m in a bad mood, people always tell me to let it go. How do I do this?

Question:
When I’m in a bad mood, people always tell me I have to let it go. How do I do that?

Answer:
Elsa in the film Frozen is probably the only person who has ever benefitted from that empty phrase. Apologies to Disney, but telling someone to “let it go” is counter-productive for three reasons:

  1. It implies that it’s possible to snap your fingers or wiggle your nose and move past whatever is bothering you.

  2. It assumes that all negative emotions are problematic.

  3. It can make a bad mood even worse.

Instead of trying to “let it go,” when you find yourself in a bad mood, try to pinpoint exactly what is bothering you and describe your feelings as precisely as you can. Are you frustrated? Disheartened? Despondent? Exasperated? Instead of resigning yourself to a generalized negative mood for the next few hours, put a label on your emotions. Break out a thesaurus if necessary.

People who are able to differentiate their negative emotions are better at regulating and managing them, according to science. Rather than being consumed by a general feeling of malaise, differentiators are more action oriented. Knowing what is wrong empowers them to seek a solution and tailor a response to the situation. For example, recognizing that you felt flustered after a disagreement with a colleague might prompt you to speak to the manager or go for a walk outside. Feeling “bad” doesn’t provide you with the same kind of useful information. It just hovers over you like a cloud. And because it is so vague, it can easily spill into other aspects of your life and be the reason you snap at your partner later that day.

People who struggle with emotion differentiation are more likely to feel overwhelmed and helpless. They may also be more vulnerable to unhealthy or unfocused responses like binge drinking or physical aggression. Distressing feelings are more likely to dominate their attention and dictate how they behave.

The good news is that emotional differentiation is a skill that can be learned and deployed on a daily basis.

By expanding your emotional vocabulary, you are giving yourself the tools to label and understand an array of nuanced emotional states. Not only will your bad moods feel less potent, you will be better equipped to handle negativity when it arises. Plus, “Let it go,” will be a phrase you are only subjected to in a movie.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

People Like You More Than You Know

If making conversation after months of isolation feels awkward, you are not alone. “I’m at a loss for words. I just don’t know what to say,” explained one friend. “The only thing I talk about is what I’m watching on Netflix. Not exactly riveting conversation,” lamented another.

Bob Morris perfectly captured the uncanny awkwardness of socializing in a recent New York Times article.

“Jumping back into pleasant interactions can feel like returning from a year in the wilderness, a silent meditation retreat or outer space.”

Feeling like a social alien is driving some people to keep to themselves even as restrictions ease. While avoidance shields you from the anxiety of in-person interactions in the short term, it is not a healthy long term solution. For starters, avoidance typically begets avoidance. The more you keep your distance, the more isolated you will feel and the harder it becomes to reconnect.

Decades of research in psychology has shown that the most effective way to disrupt the anxiety-avoidance loop is to confront the anxiety provoking situation head on. This is known as exposure therapy. If someone is terrified of flying, they can avoid air travel altogether but if they want to get over that fear, they need to face it. Treatment for aerophobia often involves exposure through imagined flights, virtual reality, flight simulation, and actual flying.

The key to rebuilding rusty social skills is not to become a recluse but to expose yourself to social situations, albeit awkward ones.

The truth is most people feel like awkward eighth graders at their first dance right now. It’s perfectly normal to feel socially inept after months of isolation.

If you worry about not being witty or charming enough, take heart. A study found that we systematically underestimate how much our conversation partners like us and enjoy our company.

The liking gap exposes the gulf between what we think someone else thinks and what they actually think. After a social interaction, our internal monologues can be remarkably self-critical and negative:

“I bet she thinks I’m a crashing bore?”
“Why did I bring up politics?”
“Was I too nosy?”
“Why did I tell that story?”

The ticker tape of self-doubt distorts perception, leaving us feeling unlikable and uninteresting. In reality, people judge us less harshly than we judge ourselves. In fact, the study suggests that after people have a conversation, they are liked more than they realize.

Conversations are a powerful source of connection. As the authors observe, “Conversations have the power to turn strangers into friends, coffee dates into marriages, and job interviews into jobs.” So, don’t shy away from talking to others. It might take a little while to feel normal in social situations again but the more you do it, the more natural it will become. And remember, the people you interact with will like you more than you know.

Here are some ice-breakers to get a conversation going:

“What was your greatest challenge during this past year?”
“What did you learn?”
“What are you looking forward to?”
“Acquired any interesting new interesting skills or neuroses since last year?”

 

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

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