“I can’t tell if they’re smiling or scowling.” 

My patient was voicing her concern about masks interfering with social interactions. She is not alone. A recent survey found that more than half of adults don’t believe they can talk to others properly while wearing a mask and say they dislike not seeing each other’s smiles.

Research by psychologist Simon Baron-Cohen (yes, he is related to Sacha Baron Cohen—they’re cousins) shows that most of us can, in fact, recognize what’s going on in someone’s head just by looking into their eyes. In a test designed by Baron-Cohen and colleagues, participants were shown a series of photographs of the eye region of different faces and asked to choose the emotion that best describes the person’s emotional state. 

Here is an example

Is this person A. Reflective B. Aghast C. Irritated D. Impatient

Scroll to the bottom of this article for the answer.

The research found that people are good at matching images of the eyes with the corresponding emotional state.

 You can take the test here.

Of course, it is not only the eyes that we see when we look into someone’s eyes. The area surrounding the eyes is also a goldmine of information. When worried, we furrow our brow. When disgusted, we wrinkle our noses and pull down our eyebrows. 

The area around the eyes also helps distinguish a real smile from a fake one. In 1862, French anatomist G. B. Duchenne observed that the muscle which surrounds the eye, the orbicularis oculi, engages when someone is genuinely happy. As the muscle contracts, the cheeks are pulled up, the lower eyelid shifts up, and wrinkles appear at the outer corner of the eye. This does not occur when someone is fake smiling. If the eyes aren’t engaged, you can assume that the person’s heart isn’t in it. 

Our eyes help us see the world around us. They also help us communicate with the people around us. 

Given the involvement of the eyes and the surrounding area in conveying our emotions, think twice before getting Botox at this time. Immobilizing your forehead and minimizing wrinkles will make it harder for you to connect with others while wearing a mask. Skip the wrap-around sunglasses too.   

 Masks limit what we see but they don’t have to limit our interactions.

As the singer Peter Gabriel reminds us in one of the best love songs of all time, the eyes are reservoirs of connection and emotion:

 In your eyes

The light the heat

In your eyes

I am complete

In your eyes

I see the doorway to a thousand churches

The yearning in that song always gets me. 

Alas, we can see a lot by looking into someone’s eyes so please stop worrying about masks limiting social interactions. 

Masks may even make us more appealing. In an article in Vice entitled Not the Point, but We All Look Hot in Masks, writer Katie Way observes:

“There’s just something attractive about a little mystery, a little obscured identity.”

So please wear a mask—to protect others, to protect your family, to protect yourself.  Wear it properly and don’t be a Maskhole—an individual who wears a mask in a way that makes it completely ineffective (below the nose, under the chin, or on the back of the head).

Answer: A. Reflective

A few days ago, my 12-year-old daughter showed me a video montage she made filled with photos of her and her friends hugging, dancing, and laughing — all the things 12-year-old girls love doing together. That was before coronavirus. The final image is of her looking sad with the tagline, “What Corona Took From Us.”

The novel coronavirus came crashing into our lives, upending life as we know it. Overnight, how we work, learn, and socialize capsized, and the waves keep crashing. There is no doubt that this upheaval is taking an emotional toll. More than half of Americans say the COVID-19 crisis has already affected their mental health either a great deal or somewhat.

A number of factors are aggravating the stress people are experiencing including financial strain, inadequate information, fear of infection, and feeling disconnected from loved ones. I am doing my best to keep up with friends but after a long day filled with virtual interactions, I often lack the energy to reach out. Zoom meetings exhaust me in a way that in-person meetings never did. This new normal feels so abnormal.

A patient with a history of anxiety said her anxiety was under control but that she felt off-kilter:

“What I’m feeling is hard to put into words. It’s not my regular catastrophic worry—it’s more of a dull, nagging, uneasiness that occurs when something you love goes missing.”

A sense of loss, both large and small, is pervasive. People have lost friends and family members to COVID-19. Other losses are more ambiguous.

“We’re capable of losing places, projects, possessions, professions, and protections, all of which we may be powerfully attached to. This pandemic forces us to confront the frailty of such attachments, whether it’s to our local bookstore or the routines that sustain us through our days,” says Dr. Robert Neimeyer of the Portland Institute for Loss and Transition at the University of Memphis.

Bereavement expert, David Kessler, believes that the unfamiliar feeling many of us are experiencing is grief—grief for what we have lost and also anticipatory grief, an ongoing dread that something bad looms on the horizon. Recognizing that what we are feeling is grief can help us cope with it.

“There is something powerful about naming this as grief. It helps us feel what’s inside of us. When you name it, you feel it and it moves through you. Emotions need motion,” says Kessler.

Grief helps us recalibrate our sense of self. It is a natural response to loss. So is resilience. Research by George Bonanno, a psychologist who heads the Loss, Trauma and Emotion Lab at Columbia University, shows that contrary to what many believe, most people ultimately adapt and cope well in the face of adversity.

In fact, the vast majority of individuals exposed to traumatic events do not go on to develop PTSD or require therapy. A survey conducted one month after the September 11th terrorist attacks in New York City estimated that over 7.5% of Manhattan residents would meet the criteria for PTSD and require ongoing treatment.  Thankfully, that did not happen–six months later the prevalence of PTSD related to 9/11 was less than 0.6%.

Exposure to a traumatic event does not automatically mean a person needs grief or trauma counseling. Not only have studies found most grief interventions to be ineffective, but there is also evidence they may interfere with natural resilience processes.

Bonanno’s work debunks the widely held assumption that only rare individuals with exceptional emotional strength are capable of bouncing back. The reality is that most of us adjust to challenges, adversity, and loss.

Resilience is the norm, not the exception. While there is justifiable concern about the impact of the pandemic on mental health, it’s equally important to remember that most of us have the capacity to adapt. As Bonanno says, “This is not easy, but we can do it.”

The “we” is key. Being there for one another lies at the heart of resilience.

Everywhere we turn, there is suffering and loss but we are also bearing witness to its opposite—generosity, goodness, and compassion. A son sits outside his father’s nursing home window to make sure his dad sees him every day. A man holds up a sign that read “Thank you all in Emergency for saving my wife’s life. I love you all.” Healthcare workers are applauded from balconies and rooftops. Neighbors are taking care of their neighbors.

In the words of Helen Keller, “Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of overcoming it.”

Here are some of my favorite resources that keep me engaged, active, and connected while social distancing.

Culture Tours and Shows

Virtual Museum Tours—Visit and tour over 1,000 museums from the comfort of your couch, where flash photography is permitted but not advised. 

Tour Versailles—Spend hours virtually touring the splendor of Versailles, from its rich history to its even more rich decor.

The Met Opera—Applaud from your living room with nightly opera streams. The show must go on!  

Rotterdams Philharmonisch Orkest—Watch and listen closely as this symphony creates Beethoven 9 from their homes in this incredible video. 

Brush Up on Art History at The Met with Kathryn Galitz

The Making of a Masterpiece—Kathryn Calley Galitz, art historian and Educator at The Met, discusses Jacques Louis David’s painting, “Death of Socrates” (1787).

Neoclassical Musings Brush with Power: François Gérard, Imperial Portraitist—Galitz examines the Neoclassical style as crafted by François Gérard in a magisterial group of portraits of Napolean I and his extended family.

Neoclassical Musings—Galitz explores the legacy and relevance of classicism in today’s world. 

“Explore” Nature

The Monterey Bay Aquarium Live Cams—My personal favorite is the penguin cam!

SkyWatching Tips From NASA—If you get a chance to step outside, NASA has some tips for where to look for the celestial action. 

Explore Top US National Parks With Google Arts & Culture—Carlsbad Caverns, Bryce Canyon, and Dry Tortugas are just some of the featured national parks.  

San Diego Zoo Live Cams—You can choose from a koala cam featuring the zoo’s animals to an art project video where your little one can make their own fuzzy friend.

Online Classes and Resources 

The Barnes Foundation—In short videos, Barnes curators, scholars, and educators talk straight from the shoulder about some of their favorite works in the collection.

Yale University, “The Science of Well Being”—The course is designed to leave you with gratitude, happiness, and ultimately prepared to successfully incorporate uplifting activities into your daily life.

Duolingo—The notorious green parrot can help you and your family learn a new language together. I might suggest a Game of Thrones rewatch paired with a lesson in High Valyrian? 

JSTOR—This digital library of academic journals, books, and primary sources is offering some of their material free of charge.

Let’s Get Physical

The Class by Taryn Toomey—Live classes of this wildly popular practice that involves stretch, movement, and dance, are streamed daily. 

The Sculpty Society by Megan Roup—Tone up and get moving with popular NYC trainer, Megan Roup’s online classes. 

QuarantineCal—If you need to get moving, QuranatineCal has a list of live, online events  from sound baths to virtual dance parties. 

My Favorite Mind-Expanding Podcasts

The Tim Ferris Show—The New York Times calls Tim Ferris, “A cross between Jack Welch and a Buddhist monk.” I agree!

Revisionist History—Malcolm Gladwell goes back and reinterprets something overlooked and misunderstood from the past. My favorite episode is, “Hallelujah,” How Does Genius Emerge? (Ep.7,S1)

WorkLife with Adam Grant—Each weekly episode of WorkLife with Adam Grant centers around extraordinary people at work – from the team at Pixar who broke boundaries with The Incredibles, to Olympic athletes who cheer for their rivals.

Enjoy Cooking and Eating Dinner 

Jessica Seinfeld—What do you want to make for breakfast/lunch/dinner? Jessica Seinfeld has great recipes that are easy to find on her blog and will make the house smell incredible.

JD Hilburn—In his own words, “I’m not going to write anything you can simply Google search. This is a place you can peer over my shoulder and see what I’m up to.” Hilburn’s website includes cooking trials and errors as well as his list of everyday staples and kitchen essentials.

NYC Chef Frank Prisinzano—His menu’s are well-known throughout the East Village, but you can have a taste of what it’s like to cook in his kitchen through his Instagram Highlights. I’ll warn you, you might catch yourself laughing alone. 

For the Kids

NASA Stem Engagement—Your kid will feel like they are in a different dimension with activities such as “launching rockets” and building Moon habitats. 

The Kennedy Center—Artist-in-Residence at Home, Mo Willems, has daily “Lunch Doodles” at 1 pm EST. 

Save With Stories—Save the Children Foundation and No Kid Hungry have started a partnership to offer entertaining online stories for all children while they are home. 

Mental Health Resources

Child Mind Institute—The Child Mind Institute’s digital response to the coronavirus includes daily Facebook video chats with clinicians, remote evaluations and telemedicine, and resources for parents.

10 Percent Happier—This app created a free Coronavirus Sanity Guide which includes meditations, blog posts, podcasts, and talks.

Headspace—Headspace Plus memberships are now free to U.S. health professionals working in public health settings and they also have additional free Headspace resources for educators and for employers.

New York State Office of Mental Health— New Yorkers can call the Office of Mental Health’s Emotional Support Hotline to connect with a volunteer with training in crisis counseling.

Consider the following experiment: researchers asked employees of an outpatient family practice clinic – nurses, assistants, and receptionists – to complete an online “survey” at the end of each workday. They were unaware of the purpose of this exercise. The survey asked them to spend five to ten minutes writing about events that had gone “really well” that day and to explain why they believed they had gone so well.

The participants could write about anything—events large or small, personal or work-related. Responses ranged from a colleague bringing in delicious food to a thoughtful story of a meaningful interaction with a patient or co-worker. One nurse wrote:

A doctor gave me a compliment today because I knew exactly what to do in an emergency situation, and I helped a patient who was having a seizure.

In just three weeks, stress levels and mental and physical complaints declined in small but significant amounts. On the days they wrote about good things, the participants were better able to detach from work stress when they got home in the evening.

This simple practice—writing about three good things that happened—creates a real shift in what people think about, and can change how they perceive their work lives.

Moreover, it creates a positive feedback loop. People who reflect on good things that happened at the end of the day are more likely to share them with loved ones. This, in turn, bolsters social connections which reduces stress even more. Another positive by-product is improved sleep. A good night’s sleep leads to greater alertness and a better mood the following day. Noticing good things may even make you more creative. Research shows positive emotions enhance creative thinking and innovation.

Focusing on positive events does not come naturally for most of us. Evolution has programmed us to notice negative events and anything that may be perceived as a threat. This made sense for our ancestors but no longer applies today.

As the above study highlights, just because your inclination may be to ruminate on the negative, it does not mean your fate is sealed. By intentionally noticing good things you can overcome the gravitational pull into thinking about what can or did go wrong.

Practicing this activity every day will provide you with strength and a positive outlook.

Start capitalizing on it today.

Many people keep gratitude to themselves. They feel it but don’t express it. Like you, they assume the other person already knows how much they are appreciated or they worry about finding the right words to say what they want to say.

Putting pen to paper or sending a thank you email may seem unnecessary or feel awkward but it’s definitely worth it. According to a recent study, we systematically underestimate the positive impact of expressing gratitude and overestimate how uncomfortable expressions of gratitude might make someone else feel. Misunderstanding the consequences of saying thanks keeps us from engaging in a simple action that would make us and someone else a little happier. The conclusion of the study is crystal clear: every time we don’t express gratitude, we are missing an opportunity to give others and ourselves a boost.

Gertrude Stein famously said, “Silent gratitude isn’t very much to anyone.” She was right. Say it. Write it. Express it somehow. Whatever you do, please don’t keep it to yourself.  

Is there a secret recipe for expressing gratitude? I don’t think so. There are many creative ways to go about it. Here’s my blueprint for writing a letter:

Address and stamp the envelope first

Getting started is often the hardest part. And once I have committed that stamp to the envelope, I’m already halfway there. As soon as I get this step out of the way, I can concentrate on the actual content of the letter and not worry about logistics. It’s liberating.

Personalize it

Include details. I do my best to make it relevant and meaningful for the person I am writing to. It doesn’t need to be long, but it does need to be heartfelt and genuine.

Use a pen

Even if someone’s handwriting is messy, a handwritten note expresses so much more than a typed or emailed one. Putting pen to paper takes a different kind of effort. Its very nature relays to the receiver the time and effort you put into it. It is authentic and “not a cut-and-pasted, global searched-and-replaced bit of faux intimacy” as described by psychologist Chris Peterson.

Stationery is optional

I adore beautiful cards but they are not a requirement. A post card or a blank piece of paper work just as well. It is the thought that counts. When I was an intern, a patient once wrote me a beautiful thank you note on the back of a paper towel. It lived in the pocket of my white coat for months. Just knowing it was there provided me with strength and courage.

Take time

I consider what I want to say beforehand and give myself time to write it. Part of the beauty of writing a letter is that it forces me to slow down.

Give it your full attention

Chris Peterson says it best:

The thing about writing a letter, unlike e-mails or the phone, is that no one can multitask while doing so. A letter represents undivided attention and is precious as a consequence.

Both sending and receiving a handwritten note has a boosting effect. Whenever I receive one, I pin it on what I call my Gratitude Wall. For me, it is a kaleidoscope of goodness and an embodiment of connection and meaning. Knowing someone has taken the time and made the effort to handwrite me a note fills me with gratitude and inspires me to do the same. In short, it’s a two-way thrill.

Two thousand years ago, Cicero said:

Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.