What Makes A Couple Compatible?

I have always wondered about compatibility. What draws two people together. More importantly, what keeps them together? Many believe that chemistry is the answer. This notion of chemistry—an unknowable elixir of passion and fairy dust is appealing. It’s predicated on a magical ideal, a perfect fit, a coupling that is meant to be.

Over the years, researchers have tried to gain a better understanding of what makes a relationship work by focusing on the individuals in it and how their personalities align. Dating websites have hopped on this bandwagon too, matching singles based on preferences and personality type.

But this approach is missing a critical point. A recent landmark study of over 11,000 couples found that what matters far more than your personality (or your partners for that matter) and the fact that you both like horror movies, is how you interact with one another on a daily basis.

Yes, individual characteristics and personal attributes like income, satisfaction with life, age, and empathy mattered but not as much as the characteristics of the relationship itself.

Put another way, even if an individual is anxious or prone to irritability but manages to establish a relationship characterized by appreciation, sexual satisfaction, and minimal conflict and believes their partner to be committed and responsive—they can have a thriving and satisfying connection.

Breaking it down, here are the 5 most powerful predictors of a happy relationship:

1. Perceived-partner commitment: “My partner wants our relationship to last forever.”

2. Appreciation: “I feel very lucky to have my partner in my life.”

3. Sexual satisfaction

4. Perceived-partner satisfaction: “Our relationship makes my partner very happy.”

5. Low conflict

In other words, having a great relationship is less about finding the perfect person and more about putting in effort every day to cultivate a great relationship.

The study’s first author and the director of the Relationship Decision Lab at Western University, Samantha Joel, puts it this way:

“The dynamic that you build with someone — the shared norms, the in-jokes, the shared experiences — is so much more than the separate individuals who make up that relationship.”

Bottom Line: Great relationships don’t just happen. They are worked on. Every single day.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

For a Better Connection, Talk, Don’t Type

While social distancing, what is the best way to stay connected to the people we love? Thanks to modern technology, there are many options. Zoom, email, text, FaceTime, and phone calls are among the many ways to stay in touch.

However, not all communication media strengthen connections equally. According to a new study, voice-based interactions (phone calls and video chats) beat text-based interactions (emails and texts) hands down. Given the clear advantage of picking up the phone, why do we all-too-often opt to send emails and texts instead?

Anxiety about having an awkward conversation turns out to be the main reason we choose typing over talking. However, according to the study, these fears are largely unwarranted. Before reconnecting with a loved one, participants anticipated discomfort and awkwardness, but after making an actual phone call, they were pleasantly surprised to find this wasn’t the case. Moreover, they felt more meaningfully connected after a phone interaction than participants who interacted with a loved one via email.

It is worth noting that seeing a person on a video call wasn’t a better bonding experience than a good old fashioned phone call. So if the thought of being on camera on Zoom or Facetime fills you with dread, know that a landline will do the trick.

Bottom Line: Emails and texts are great for basic communication but if you really want to connect with a loved one this holiday season, put them on speed dial.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

Do You Spend Most of the Day Sitting?

I go from my desk, to my sofa, to my bed. Repeat.” This is my patient’s description of her daily routine.

With fewer reasons to leave the house, people are spending an unprecedented amount of time on their butts. Before you say, “My body is a temple—I work out every day,” know this: even if you do manage to exercise for an hour a day, research shows it doesn’t fully undo the dangers of extended sitting.

Over half of remote workers report sitting for almost three hours longer each day than they used to when they worked in an office. Occasions for “incidental ambulation”—such as a stroll down the hall for a meeting or to ask a co-worker a question have evaporated. Now accustomed to at-home delivery of pretty much everything, there are fewer errands to run. Why go to Starbucks if the latte can be brought to your door?

All this sitting is unhealthy, increasing the risk of heart disease, diabetes, and cancer. In 2012 I-Min Lee, an epidemiologist at Harvard University, published a landmark paper in The Lancet showing that prolonged periods of inactivity kill more than 5 million people every year globally, making the health risks similar to smoking and obesity.

Spending the majority on one’s time immersed in low-energy activities like watching TV, working at a computer, and playing videogames has adverse psychological effects too. Reductions in physical activity and increased sitting time contribute to the worsening depression and anxiety in the wake of COVID-19.

To be fair, the problem isn’t sitting per se. It’s how we sit. The Hadza hunter-gatherer people of Tanzania sit for up 10 hours a day but unlike us, they avoid the dangers of inactivity. Why? Because they’re not sitting on their bottoms in a comfy chair or reclining on a sofa, remote control in hand. The Hadza squat, kneel, and sit on the ground in various “active resting” positions that require them to use their muscles. But when we sit, we recline in comfortable, supportive chairs with high backs and armrests. Our chairs don’t require any muscle engagement or effort at all.

“The problem with chairs and beds is they allow us to turn our muscles off and sag into cushions.”

Instead of sagging into cushions, here is what you can do:

1. Sit in “active resting” positions. Consider getting an inflatable ball for sitting at your desk. During leisure time, sit on the floor sometimes. If you cannot resist reclining, be sure to stand up regularly and stretch your legs.

2. Add more incidental ambulation to each day. Schedule a casual stroll around the block at lunchtime. Meander down the hall at the end of each hour. Turn phone calls into walking opportunities. No need to break a sweat or put on sneakers. Studies show that just putting one foot in front of the other for ten minutes can brighten your mood.

3. If you’re reading this sitting down, stand up, and take a walk.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

Here Is One Thing You Can Do Right Now to Reduce Stress and Boost Your Mood

What is something you already do more than 20,000 times a day that could help you feel calmer and more vital if you did it more deliberately?

Answer: Breathe.

Most of us don’t pay much attention to how we breathe because it happens automatically. We don’t have to think about it. It’s only when we’re out of breath or when our partners wake us up in the middle of the night because we’re snoring so loudly that the act of breathing gets our attention.

The reality is that most of us are breathing all wrong—with our mouths open and without any intention or awareness, according to James Nestor, author of the fascinating book, Breath. Mouth breathing, he explains, undermines health and our ability to manage stress. In addition to limiting the amount of oxygen we draw into our lungs, breathing through the mouth instead of the nose contributes to periodontal disease (it is the number one cause of cavities, more damaging than sugar) bad breath, high blood pressure, and also worsens snoring and sleep apnea.

Sometimes when we’re preoccupied or multi-tasking we forget to breathe. A survey found that 80 percent of us hold our breath or breathe shallowly when reading and responding to emails or texts. Writer Linda Stone calls this “email apnea” though “screen apnea” might be a better term for it because it also occurs when we’re scrolling through social media, watching the news, and checking Twitter. It’s highly likely that you’re holding your breath as you read this.

Being more deliberate about how you breathe has immeasurable benefits for mental and physical health. Even slight adjustments to the way you inhale and exhale can transform your mood, focus, perception of stress, and energy level. Over the long term, how you breathe impacts weight, sleep, anxiety, and cardiovascular health. Nestor shows how breathing correctly can even improve appearance by adding definition to your jawline (think Maria Shriver) and eliminating sagging jowls. Indeed, there are many reasons to pay attention to this unappreciated and undervalued bodily function.

Here is my favorite breathing exercise. It’s so simple. No fancy equipment, clothing, or accessories needed. The best part is you can do it right now:

1. Sit up straight

2. Relax your shoulders

3. Close your mouth

4. Inhale softly through your nose for 5.5 seconds, expanding the belly

5. Exhale softly for 5.5 seconds through your nose, bringing the belly in as the lungs empty


Each breath should feel like a wave washing over you and receding back into the ocean.

Repeat 10 times.

Bottom Line: Avoid mouth-breathing as much as you can. Make a conscious effort to breathe slowly and through the nose with long exhales.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

Alisha Ramos

Alisha Ramos is the founder of the weekly newsletter, Girls’ Night In. Girls’ Night In was built on the belief that as our lives get busier, it is important to take a break and cultivate friendships, a crucial part of what wellness means for people.

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Are You a Voter?

An interesting study found that people who were asked the question: “How important is it to you to be a voter in the upcoming election?” were more likely to vote than people who were asked, “How important is it to you to vote in the upcoming election?”

How could a small change in wording make a big difference in voter turnout?

The researchers theorize that viewing voting as part of your identity (e.g., “I am a voter”), rather than a behavior to be enacted, increased motivation to vote. The study concluded that people want to be consistent with their values and sense of self.

Along these lines, a study found that kids who think of themselves as “carrot eaters” liked carrots more than kids who said, “I eat carrots whenever I can.” Adults who described themselves as “book-readers” rated their own preference for reading as stronger and more stable than those who said, “I read books a lot.”

Language can motivate behavior. Using a noun to describe yourself and that connects to your sense of self seems to have more power than using a related verb that describes something you do. So if you want to engage in a behavior, make it an extension of who you are. Saying, “I am a healthy eater” will likely help you make better choices than saying, “I am someone who eats healthy.”

Parents, keep this in mind when talking to your kids. Thank your child for being “a helper around the house” as opposed to, “helping around the house.” I tell my kids they are “dog-walkers”, not “kids who walk dogs.” 🙂

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

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WELLBEING IS A VERB

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