Empty Nesters, Reimagine Yourselves as Emerging Eagles

A combination of denial and distraction all summer shielded me from the reality that my son Baker would be leaving for school soon. Monday afternoon it hit me like a ton of bricks. After a long drive, I turned around to ask Baker and Vivian what they wanted for dinner but before I could say anything I was awash in tears.

There they were brother and sister, peacefully together, in the most ordinary of moments. Baker was asleep with his head nestled next to Vivian’s. Schnitzel rested cozily on Vivian’s lap, her tail doubling as an eye mask for Baker. Panda, ever the burrower, had wedged herself into the gap between Baker’s back and the seat.

All those backseat moments came flooding back—Baker reading Roald Dahl’s The Witches to his little sister, the two of them falling asleep with their heads on each other’s shoulder, and the vision of them holding hands while buckled into car seats. It wasn’t all rainbows and unicorns. There were arguments about music, temperature and, of course, territory. Like all self-governing states, borders mattered. They were always accusing each other of encroaching upon the other’s sacred space. Sometimes the land disputes became so intense, I was forced to pull over on the side of the road.

After lamenting to a friend about their annoying fights, she sent me the lyrics to a Trace Adkins song:

You’re gonna miss this

You’re gonna want this back

You’re gonna wish these days hadn’t gone by so fast

These are some good times

So take a good look around

You may not know it now

But you’re gonna miss this

All I know is that I am going to miss all of it—the fights, the peace, and just being together in those ordinary moments that, when you think about it, are extraordinary.

How parents navigate these transitions has been on my mind a lot and I was recently invited to discuss Empty Nest Syndrome on the Today Show. While not an official diagnosis, it captures the grief and sadness parents sometimes experience when their children leave home. The anticipatory dread is often worse than the reality.

For most parents, the transition is bittersweet. While they miss their kids, they also report positive experiences. When it comes to emotions, we’re taught to consider moods as binary: you’re happy or sad, calm or anxious. Ask your friends, “How was your day?” or “How are you?” and they’ll probably answer along positive or negative lines. In reality, we can be both. There is value in recognizing that far more nuance exists in emotional states than we often allow for, and that negative and positive emotions can exist side by side. As many empty nesters find, endings can be new beginnings.

For many there is a silver lining. A national survey of over 1,000 parents of young adults found that while 84 percent of parents missed their kids once they moved out, 60 percent were glad to have more time with their spouse or partner or for themselves and 90 percent were happy their kids were independent. Greater freedom, reconnecting with partners and friends, pursuing goals, finding new hobbies, fewer day to day stressors, and travel are among the many ways an empty nest can unlock freedom and fulfillment.

Is there a friend you never had time to see? Make plans for lunch. Is there a place you always wanted to visit? Call your travel agent. Does playing Bridge appeal? Join a card club. Reframing the transition as a gateway and not a dead end unleashes possibility and potential. The key is to replace the stillness with a new rhythm. Your child’s life will be filled with fresh experiences. Make sure yours is as well.

Instead of an empty-nester, reimagine yourself as an emerging eagle.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

How to Head Off Headline Anxiety

There is increasing scientific evidence that the nonstop barrage of disturbing and infuriating stories impacts mental health. Studies show it can worsen feelings of anxiety, sadness and helplessness. People who were glued to coverage of the Boston Marathon bombings were more likely to report feeling more upset than those who were actually at or near the site.

Along similar lines, relentless exposure to Covid-19 news was associated with greater psychological distress. Negative news stories have also been shown to exacerbate personal worries that are unrelated to the content of the story itself. In other words, a story about a disheartening political situation can amplify concerns about your relationship with your partner. Catastrophizing is contagious.

News FOMO–fear of missing out on the latest headlines–creates a revolving door of rumination. Constantly checking for updates and doomscrolling in search of new information rarely yields better understanding. According to news surveys, following a breaking event provides the illusion of being in the know but is unlikely to boost your knowledge of the news.

How do we stay on top of the issues without feeling overloaded? While tempting, news avoidance is not the answer. Instead of burying your head in the sand like an ostrich, the key is to optimize how, when, and from where you get your news.

Here are a few tips that have helped me and my patients stay sane and avoid news-induced negativity:

1. Turn off notifications and digital alerts from news sources on all your devices.

2. Designate a time—either once or twice a day—to get your news fix from an established source, not social media. One of my favorite trusted sources is Jessica Yellin on Instagram. It’s news, not noise.

3. Read or watch stories that intelligently present digested and reliable information about what has happened.

4. Skip commentary and media that predict what might happen. Listening to pundits and so-called experts weigh in on the future is basically glorified gossip and of little value. Learn the facts, don’t follow opinions.

5. Avoid checking news first thing in the morning and before bed. It might hijack your day or interfere with your sleep.

6. Be deliberate about generating positive emotions on bad news days. Researchers have found that the best way to learn from negative emotions is to experience them alongside positive ones.

Once you gain control over how you get your news and where you get it from, not only will you be calmer and more productive, you will be better informed and in a position to make better decisions about what you want to do about it.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

Is Subtraction Neglect Adding To Your Anxiety?

According to a study from the University of Virginia School of Engineering and Applied Science, we almost always tend to add something. This is known as subtraction neglect.

“Think about your own work and you will see it. The first thing that comes to our minds is, what can we add to make it better,” says Leidy Klotz, Copenhaver Associate Professor in the Department of Engineering Systems and Environment. “Our paper shows we do this to our detriment, even when the only right answer is to subtract.”

The tendency to improve through addition is evident in every aspect of our lives. We add meetings to solve problems at work, we add homework to improve academic performance, we add an ingredient to perfect a recipe, we add apps to boost efficiency, we add products to enhance skin, but rarely consider how the alternative could be transformative. The more is more mindset is certainly apparent in the world of medicine. If a patient presents with a new symptom, their doctor will typically add a medication. Perhaps subtraction neglect helps explain why so many people end up with tackle boxes full of pills. The result of additive change is full medicine cabinets, closets, schedules, and landfills.

In a Character Lab missive, Prof. Klotz observed that it’s only when encouraged to consider deletion do people brainstorm more creatively. Just because we have a tendency to make additive changes doesn’t mean we don’t have a choice.

The next time you need to solve a problem, deliberately think about what you can take away. Trust me, less can be more.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

What Makes A Couple Compatible?

I have always wondered about compatibility. What draws two people together. More importantly, what keeps them together? Many believe that chemistry is the answer. This notion of chemistry—an unknowable elixir of passion and fairy dust is appealing. It’s predicated on a magical ideal, a perfect fit, a coupling that is meant to be.

Over the years, researchers have tried to gain a better understanding of what makes a relationship work by focusing on the individuals in it and how their personalities align. Dating websites have hopped on this bandwagon too, matching singles based on preferences and personality type.

But this approach is missing a critical point. A recent landmark study of over 11,000 couples found that what matters far more than your personality (or your partners for that matter) and the fact that you both like horror movies, is how you interact with one another on a daily basis.

Yes, individual characteristics and personal attributes like income, satisfaction with life, age, and empathy mattered but not as much as the characteristics of the relationship itself.

Put another way, even if an individual is anxious or prone to irritability but manages to establish a relationship characterized by appreciation, sexual satisfaction, and minimal conflict and believes their partner to be committed and responsive—they can have a thriving and satisfying connection.

Breaking it down, here are the 5 most powerful predictors of a happy relationship:

1. Perceived-partner commitment: “My partner wants our relationship to last forever.”

2. Appreciation: “I feel very lucky to have my partner in my life.”

3. Sexual satisfaction

4. Perceived-partner satisfaction: “Our relationship makes my partner very happy.”

5. Low conflict

In other words, having a great relationship is less about finding the perfect person and more about putting in effort every day to cultivate a great relationship.

The study’s first author and the director of the Relationship Decision Lab at Western University, Samantha Joel, puts it this way:

“The dynamic that you build with someone — the shared norms, the in-jokes, the shared experiences — is so much more than the separate individuals who make up that relationship.”

Bottom Line: Great relationships don’t just happen. They are worked on. Every single day.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

For a Better Connection, Talk, Don’t Type

While social distancing, what is the best way to stay connected to the people we love? Thanks to modern technology, there are many options. Zoom, email, text, FaceTime, and phone calls are among the many ways to stay in touch.

However, not all communication media strengthen connections equally. According to a new study, voice-based interactions (phone calls and video chats) beat text-based interactions (emails and texts) hands down. Given the clear advantage of picking up the phone, why do we all-too-often opt to send emails and texts instead?

Anxiety about having an awkward conversation turns out to be the main reason we choose typing over talking. However, according to the study, these fears are largely unwarranted. Before reconnecting with a loved one, participants anticipated discomfort and awkwardness, but after making an actual phone call, they were pleasantly surprised to find this wasn’t the case. Moreover, they felt more meaningfully connected after a phone interaction than participants who interacted with a loved one via email.

It is worth noting that seeing a person on a video call wasn’t a better bonding experience than a good old fashioned phone call. So if the thought of being on camera on Zoom or Facetime fills you with dread, know that a landline will do the trick.

Bottom Line: Emails and texts are great for basic communication but if you really want to connect with a loved one this holiday season, put them on speed dial.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

Do You Spend Most of the Day Sitting?

I go from my desk, to my sofa, to my bed. Repeat.” This is my patient’s description of her daily routine.

With fewer reasons to leave the house, people are spending an unprecedented amount of time on their butts. Before you say, “My body is a templeI work out every day,” know this: even if you do manage to exercise for an hour a day, research shows it doesn’t fully undo the dangers of extended sitting.

Over half of remote workers report sitting for almost three hours longer each day than they used to when they worked in an office. Occasions for “incidental ambulation”—such as a stroll down the hall for a meeting or to ask a co-worker a question have evaporated. Now accustomed to at-home delivery of pretty much everything, there are fewer errands to run. Why go to Starbucks if the latte can be brought to your door?

All this sitting is unhealthy, increasing the risk of heart disease, diabetes, and cancer. In 2012 I-Min Lee, an epidemiologist at Harvard University, published a landmark paper in The Lancet showing that prolonged periods of inactivity kill more than 5 million people every year globally, making the health risks similar to smoking and obesity.

Spending the majority on one’s time immersed in low-energy activities like watching TV, working at a computer, and playing videogames has adverse psychological effects too. Reductions in physical activity and increased sitting time contribute to the worsening depression and anxiety in the wake of COVID-19.

To be fair, the problem isn’t sitting per se. It’s how we sit. The Hadza hunter-gatherer people of Tanzania sit for up 10 hours a day but unlike us, they avoid the dangers of inactivity. Why? Because they’re not sitting on their bottoms in a comfy chair or reclining on a sofa, remote control in hand. The Hadza squat, kneel, and sit on the ground in various “active resting” positions that require them to use their muscles. But when we sit, we recline in comfortable, supportive chairs with high backs and armrests. Our chairs don’t require any muscle engagement or effort at all.

“The problem with chairs and beds is they allow us to turn our muscles off and sag into cushions.”

Instead of sagging into cushions, here is what you can do:

1. Sit in “active resting” positions. Consider getting an inflatable ball for sitting at your desk. During leisure time, sit on the floor sometimes. If you cannot resist reclining, be sure to stand up regularly and stretch your legs.

2. Add more incidental ambulation to each day. Schedule a casual stroll around the block at lunchtime. Meander down the hall at the end of each hour. Turn phone calls into walking opportunities. No need to break a sweat or put on sneakers. Studies show that just putting one foot in front of the other for ten minutes can brighten your mood.

3. If you’re reading this sitting down, stand up, and take a walk.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman