The Best Gift You Can Give is the Gift of Presence

You will have a better holiday if you put your phone away.

A study from the University of British Columbia found that phones make social interactions less fun.

“When we use our phones while we are spending time with people we care about—apart from offending them—we enjoy the experience less” explained one of the researchers, Ryan Dwyer.

When phones were on the table, participants reported more boredom during the meal. This finding surprised the researchers—they assumed that people would be less bored when they had access to their phones because they could entertain themselves if there was a lull in the conversation.

The joy-dampening effects of phones extend beyond the dinner table. In-person social interactions suffer when we are on our phones – be it at work, watching a movie, or taking a walk. Just the sight of a phone—yours or someone else’s—is enough to undermine the quality of a conversation.

Bottom line: There is a real and detectable benefit from putting your phone away when you’re spending time with friends and family.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

Feeling Socially Stuffed? Have an Exit Strategy

Making a big entrance may be important, but don’t underestimate the benefits of having an exit strategy.

“I love you all dearly but want you all out by 10pm,” announced my friend with a huge smile. While not the typical dinner party greeting, I greatly appreciate her crystal clear message: enjoy but don’t overstay your welcome. My friend loves having people over but she also knows her limits. “Why not be up front about it?” she asked when I inquired about her bluntness. “I love my friends but I also love my bed. Knowing there is an end in sight alleviates my anxiety that it will go on forever.”

Socializing can be exhausting, especially during the holidays. It is no wonder that many complain about having a “social hangover” after a night out.

Social media posts go viral trying to capture the longing to communicate social satiety without offending anyone. Some of my favorites include:

  • In Japan, you serve people appetizers at a party all night long, and then when you’re ready for them to leave you serve them a hearty soup.
  • A group of friends who agreed that when someone is ready to leave, they’ll use the code word “Dick Wolf,” the Executive Producer of Law and Order.
  • Many variations on excuses for sick pets, children, and significant others who are, in fact, not sick at all.

The popularity of these posts and the comments they generated speak to our anxiety about having a way out of social situations when we have hit our limit.

If “ich fuhle mich jetzt genug beucht” doesn’t roll off your tongue and the other suggestions aren’t your style, here are some social extraction protocols that might help when you are feeling “visited enough.”

1. Set a time limit

In the same way that my friend builds an exit strategy into her dinner parties, explicitly communicate your time frame. “I have an early appointment tomorrow morning” and “I’m on my way to… (fill in the blank),” clearly convey that you don’t have all the time in the world to linger. This is especially helpful for over-talkers and serial clingers.

2. “Because” works wonders

As described in Robert Cialdini’s book Influence, people like explanations and the word “because” provides one or at least the illusion of one. There is a difference between saying “I have to go to bed” and “I have to go to bed because it’s so late.” People tend to be much more understanding when we give them a reason.

3. Enlist a partner

Work with a friend or your partner to move people along. Apparently a bartender go-to trick is to tell guests “You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here.”

Bottom Line: Making a big entrance may be important, but don’t underestimate the benefits of having an exit strategy. For those feeling socially spent, knowing you have an out will make your night out more enjoyable.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

If You Are Having Trouble Falling Asleep, Try This Science-Backed Method

“If I had a penny for every article I read on why getting enough sleep matters, I would be a rich man,” grumbled my exasperated patient. He had read countless stories on why sleep is important. From a better mood to a slimmer waistline to a better sex life, he was well aware of the benefits of getting a good night’s sleep. Alas, I decided not to mention a new study that found going to bed between 10 and 11 pm reduces risk of heart disease.

He didn’t need more information on WHY sleep is as vital as the air we breathe or the food we eat. What he needed was an actionable strategy outlining HOW to fall asleep.

Like many people I know, he had difficulty getting into sleep mode. The moment he got into bed and turned the lights off, his mind woke up. No matter how exhausted he was, his thoughts started dancing the second his head hit the pillow.

We may have gained an extra hour last weekend but that doesn’t necessarily mean that we gained an extra hour of sleep. Only a small number take advantage of the added slumber time. In fact, many feel more sleep deprived because the shift in the body’s daily sleep-wake cycle can disrupt sleep for several days.

If you are having trouble falling asleep, the 4-7-8 technique can help you quiet your unquiet mind. It’s the stuff sweet dreams are made of.

“Insomnia is a glamorous term for thoughts you forgot to have in the day.” — Alain de Botton

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

Q+A | Whenever I’m in a bad mood, people always tell me to let it go. How do I do this?

Question:
When I’m in a bad mood, people always tell me I have to let it go. How do I do that?


Answer:
Elsa in the film
Frozen is probably the only person who has ever benefitted from that empty phrase. Apologies to Disney, but telling someone to “let it go” is counter-productive for three reasons:
  1. It implies that it’s possible to snap your fingers or wiggle your nose and move past whatever is bothering you.

  2. It assumes that all negative emotions are problematic.

  3. It can make a bad mood even worse.

Instead of trying to “let it go,” when you find yourself in a bad mood, try to pinpoint exactly what is bothering you and describe your feelings as precisely as you can. Are you frustrated? Disheartened? Despondent? Exasperated? Instead of resigning yourself to a generalized negative mood for the next few hours, put a label on your emotions. Break out a thesaurus if necessary.

People who are able to differentiate their negative emotions are better at regulating and managing them, according to science. Rather than being consumed by a general feeling of malaise, differentiators are more action oriented. Knowing what is wrong empowers them to seek a solution and tailor a response to the situation. For example, recognizing that you felt flustered after a disagreement with a colleague might prompt you to speak to the manager or go for a walk outside. Feeling “bad” doesn’t provide you with the same kind of useful information. It just hovers over you like a cloud. And because it is so vague, it can easily spill into other aspects of your life and be the reason you snap at your partner later that day.

People who struggle with emotion differentiation are more likely to feel overwhelmed and helpless. They may also be more vulnerable to unhealthy or unfocused responses like binge drinking or physical aggression. Distressing feelings are more likely to dominate their attention and dictate how they behave.

The good news is that emotional differentiation is a skill that can be learned and deployed on a daily basis.

By expanding your emotional vocabulary, you are giving yourself the tools to label and understand an array of nuanced emotional states. Not only will your bad moods feel less potent, you will be better equipped to handle negativity when it arises. Plus, “Let it go,” will be a phrase you are only subjected to in a movie.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

People Like You More Than You Know

If making conversation after months of isolation feels awkward, you are not alone. “I’m at a loss for words. I just don’t know what to say,” explained one friend. “The only thing I talk about is what I’m watching on Netflix. Not exactly riveting conversation,” lamented another.

Bob Morris perfectly captured the uncanny awkwardness of socializing in a recent New York Times article.

“Jumping back into pleasant interactions can feel like returning from a year in the wilderness, a silent meditation retreat or outer space.”

Feeling like a social alien is driving some people to keep to themselves even as restrictions ease. While avoidance shields you from the anxiety of in-person interactions in the short term, it is not a healthy long term solution. For starters, avoidance typically begets avoidance. The more you keep your distance, the more isolated you will feel and the harder it becomes to reconnect.

Decades of research in psychology has shown that the most effective way to disrupt the anxiety-avoidance loop is to confront the anxiety provoking situation head on. This is known as exposure therapy. If someone is terrified of flying, they can avoid air travel altogether but if they want to get over that fear, they need to face it. Treatment for aerophobia often involves exposure through imagined flights, virtual reality, flight simulation, and actual flying.

The key to rebuilding rusty social skills is not to become a recluse but to expose yourself to social situations, albeit awkward ones.

The truth is most people feel like awkward eighth graders at their first dance right now. It’s perfectly normal to feel socially inept after months of isolation.

If you worry about not being witty or charming enough, take heart. A study found that we systematically underestimate how much our conversation partners like us and enjoy our company.

The liking gap exposes the gulf between what we think someone else thinks and what they actually think. After a social interaction, our internal monologues can be remarkably self-critical and negative:

“I bet she thinks I’m a crashing bore?”
“Why did I bring up politics?”
“Was I too nosy?”
“Why did I tell that story?”

The ticker tape of self-doubt distorts perception, leaving us feeling unlikable and uninteresting. In reality, people judge us less harshly than we judge ourselves. In fact, the study suggests that after people have a conversation, they are liked more than they realize.

Conversations are a powerful source of connection. As the authors observe, “Conversations have the power to turn strangers into friends, coffee dates into marriages, and job interviews into jobs.” So, don’t shy away from talking to others. It might take a little while to feel normal in social situations again but the more you do it, the more natural it will become. And remember, the people you interact with will like you more than you know.

Here are some ice-breakers to get a conversation going:

“What was your greatest challenge during this past year?”
“What did you learn?”
“What are you looking forward to?”
“Acquired any interesting new interesting skills or neuroses since last year?”

 

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

What Makes People Feel Better During Tough Times?

What enables people to stay strong during periods of stress and uncertainty? An enormous study conducted across 87 countries and involving 20,000 participants during the pandemic identified a simple coping strategy that helped people feel better: cognitive reappraisal. Cognitive reappraisal entails reframing how you think about a given situation. For example, some participants in the study were given the following directions:

“This strategy is based on the insight that finding something good in even the most challenging situations can lead to different emotional responses. This means that refocusing on whatever good aspects may be found in a situation can change how you feel about the situation. For example, consider someone who stays at home under lockdown due to COVID-19 and is feeling anxious, sad, or angry. In this case, refocusing might involve realizing that staying at home gives them time to do things that they may not have been able to do before, like reading, painting, and spending time with family.”


The type of cognitive reappraisal above is asking, “What can I learn from this situation?” Other reappraisal techniques include “What would you tell a friend in the same situation?” or “How would your future self describe the current situation?” Cognitive reappraisal enables us to develop a more balanced perspective and to think more flexibly. Rather than tumbling down a rabbit hole of catastrophizing and negative thoughts, it asks us to pause and consider other possible interpretations. Essentially, when we engage in cognitive reappraisal, we are thinking like a detective, generating alternative explanations instead of clinging to a distorted doom and gloom knee-jerk response.

Research shows that the secret sauce of cognitive reappraisal is that it reduces negative emotions and increases positive emotions and, that the presence of positive emotions during trying times is strongly linked with resilience. For example, a study following the terrorist attacks of September 11th, 2001 showed that positive emotions were a key active ingredient that enabled resilient individuals to ward off depression.

The idea that it is possible to experience positive emotions in the midst of chronic stress may at first seem counterintuitive but the reality is that many people do experience these emotions even in the most dire of circumstances. Feelings of love, hope, and gratitude can coexist alongside distress, frustration, and boredom. Cognitive reappraisal is a tool that can help you avoid depleting negative spirals, and more importantly, unearth resilience-building uplifting emotions.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman