If making conversation after months of isolation feels awkward, you are not alone. “I’m at a loss for words. I just don’t know what to say,” explained one friend. “The only thing I talk about is what I’m watching on Netflix. Not exactly riveting conversation,” lamented another.

Bob Morris perfectly captured the uncanny awkwardness of socializing in a recent New York Times article.

“Jumping back into pleasant interactions can feel like returning from a year in the wilderness, a silent meditation retreat or outer space.”

Feeling like a social alien is driving some people to keep to themselves even as restrictions ease. While avoidance shields you from the anxiety of in-person interactions in the short term, it is not a healthy long term solution. For starters, avoidance typically begets avoidance. The more you keep your distance, the more isolated you will feel and the harder it becomes to reconnect.

Decades of research in psychology has shown that the most effective way to disrupt the anxiety-avoidance loop is to confront the anxiety provoking situation head on. This is known as exposure therapy. If someone is terrified of flying, they can avoid air travel altogether but if they want to get over that fear, they need to face it. Treatment for aerophobia often involves exposure through imagined flights, virtual reality, flight simulation, and actual flying.

The key to rebuilding rusty social skills is not to become a recluse but to expose yourself to social situations, albeit awkward ones.

The truth is most people feel like awkward eighth graders at their first dance right now. It’s perfectly normal to feel socially inept after months of isolation.

If you worry about not being witty or charming enough, take heart. A study found that we systematically underestimate how much our conversation partners like us and enjoy our company.

The liking gap exposes the gulf between what we think someone else thinks and what they actually think. After a social interaction, our internal monologues can be remarkably self-critical and negative:

“I bet she thinks I’m a crashing bore?”
“Why did I bring up politics?”
“Was I too nosy?”
“Why did I tell that story?”

The ticker tape of self-doubt distorts perception, leaving us feeling unlikable and uninteresting. In reality, people judge us less harshly than we judge ourselves. In fact, the study suggests that after people have a conversation, they are liked more than they realize.

Conversations are a powerful source of connection. As the authors observe, “Conversations have the power to turn strangers into friends, coffee dates into marriages, and job interviews into jobs.” So, don’t shy away from talking to others. It might take a little while to feel normal in social situations again but the more you do it, the more natural it will become. And remember, the people you interact with will like you more than you know.

Here are some ice-breakers to get a conversation going:

“What was your greatest challenge during this past year?”
“What did you learn?”
“What are you looking forward to?”
“Acquired any interesting new interesting skills or neuroses since last year?”

What enables people to stay strong during periods of stress and uncertainty? An enormous study conducted across 87 countries and involving 20,000 participants during the pandemic identified a simple coping strategy that helped people feel better: cognitive reappraisal. Cognitive reappraisal entails reframing how you think about a given situation. For example, some participants in the study were given the following directions:

The type of cognitive reappraisal above is asking, “What can I learn from this situation?” Other reappraisal techniques include “What would you tell a friend in the same situation?” or “How would your future self describe the current situation?” Cognitive reappraisal enables us to develop a more balanced perspective and to think more flexibly. Rather than tumbling down a rabbit hole of catastrophizing and negative thoughts, it asks us to pause and consider other possible interpretations. Essentially, when we engage in cognitive reappraisal, we are thinking like a detective, generating alternative explanations instead of clinging to a distorted doom and gloom knee-jerk response.

Research shows that the secret sauce of cognitive reappraisal is that it reduces negative emotions and increases positive emotions and, that the presence of positive emotions during trying times is strongly linked with resilience. For example, a study following the terrorist attacks of September 11th, 2001 showed that positive emotions were a key active ingredient that enabled resilient individuals to ward off depression.

The idea that it is possible to experience positive emotions in the midst of chronic stress may at first seem counterintuitive but the reality is that many people do experience these emotions even in the most dire of circumstances. Feelings of love, hope, and gratitude can coexist alongside distress, frustration, and boredom. Cognitive reappraisal is a tool that can help you avoid depleting negative spirals, and more importantly, unearth resilience-building uplifting emotions.

For years, I offered trusty advice to my children about how to achieve academic success. I worked my tail off in school and thought of myself as a treasure trove of information. Convinced that my words of wisdom would light their scholarly fire, I would go on for hours about how to develop good study habits. Perhaps seeing their eyes glaze over as I banged on about the benefits of working hard and doing their best should have alerted me to the possibility that the message might not be sinking in.

So, what does help? Research from the University of Pennsylvania offers a counterintuitive solution. Instead of giving students expert advice about how to do well in school as I had been doing ad nauseam, ask them to provide advice to other students about how to do well. In the study, middle school students (6th, 7th, and 8th graders) who shared their thoughts about why school matters with 4th graders became more motivated to study vocabulary themselves.

A different group of middle schoolers received advice from teachers on how to become better students. The teachers’ tips were objectively sound but didn’t impact behavior. Contrary to the assumption of well-meaning parents and teachers everywhere, explaining to children why and how they should study doesn’t make much of a difference. Most children are fully aware of optimal study habits. They don’t need more information. What they need is motivation.

Being a giver turns out to be a wellspring of motivation. Instead of being a struggling student in need of help, when you give advice, you become a competent person capable of providing help. Plus, human beings like to be consistent. When advocating for an idea, you take ownership of it. In the process of telling another person about how important something is, you remind yourself of its importance too.

Next time you encounter someone who is having trouble reaching a goal, save your breath. Instead of offering your words of wisdom, ask them to offer their words of wisdom to someone in a similar predicament.

Autumn anxiety may not be an official diagnosis but the annual experience of increased stress at this time of year is very real. As seasons go, fall is cited by many of my patients as the most stressful. The end of summer, a new school year, a more rigid schedule, and the impending holidays all contribute to autumn anxiety. Concerns about the delta variant are making the transition this year especially challenging.

Here are five strategies to help you stay strong within this stressful season:

Thinking positive thoughts or wishing for good things to happen is unlikely to lead to constructive change or transformation. As I write about in Everyday Vitality, without taking steps to mobilize what we care about and to embody our values, our dreams will stay where they started–in our head.

New York University professor of psychology Gabriele Oettingen has found that people who spend time envisioning how good it will feel to reach a goal without taking any concrete actions toward it are less likely to achieve it. In a study of obese women who enrolled in a weight-loss plan, Oettingen found that women who had positive fantasies about their weight loss—such as showing off their new body to a friend who had not seen them in a year, or supposing that it would be easy to resist a leftover box of doughnuts—were less likely to lose weight than those who were realistic about the challenges they faced.

Oettingen found a similar pattern across multiple domains, including quitting smoking, starting a relationship, doing well on an exam, and getting a job. Fantasizing about being successful without actually pursuing it also undermined motivation. Dreaming turns out to be devitalizing. In fact, participants in a study who were asked to generate positive fantasies about the week ahead felt less energized and later reported poor accomplishment and lower mastery of everyday challenges. Moreover, they were less likely to put in the effort and persist when setbacks occurred. Oettingen theorizes that “mentally attaining” what you want obscures the actual need to apply the effort to make it happen.