Stealth Narcissists: How to Spot Them and 3 Sanity Preserving Tips for Dealing with Them

When we think about narcissism, certain qualities come to mind: status seeking, admiration requiring, self-glorifying, entitled, arrogant, and a lack of concern for others. The classic chest-thumping narcissist — the grandiose narcissist — is the one we’re familiar with. Without naming names, you know exactly who I am talking about. Certain celebrities and political figures come to mind. But there’s another type that’s worth knowing about that’s harder to spot but just as entitled: the vulnerable narcissist.

Unlike grandiose narcissists who tend to be bold and outgoing, vulnerable narcissists are shy, inhibited, and deeply insecure. They are prone to feelings of shame and are forever on the lookout for subtle slights or criticism. In stark contrast to their grandiose counterparts, they shun being the center of attention. They cling to the conviction that they have suffered more than others and that nobody can help them. From friends to romantic partners to colleagues to an Uber driver, everyone lets them down.

Vulnerable narcissists swim in a sea of exasperated disappointment. “If only everyone wasn’t so incompetent” is their inner monologue. Finger pointing comes naturally to a vulnerable narcissist and they love to rehash the past and romanticize how much better things could be if only people appreciated them more. They are excellent at finding fault in others but oblivious to their own. Grievance collecting is their full time job.

Also known as closet or covert narcissists, vulnerable narcissists do not wear their narcissism on their sleeve. Grandiose types do us the courtesy of practically announcing their narcissism with their brazen behavior and shameless attention-seeking. They’re the loudest person in the room whereas vulnerable narcissists operate under the radar but are masterful at guilt-tripping and manipulation.

Nikhila Mahadevan, Lecturer in Psychology at the University of Essex explains:

“While grandiose narcissists may be stars on the interpersonal stage, triumphantly capturing the spotlight, their vulnerable counterpart may be a bit player lurking on the sidelines, resentfully seeking, but failing to obtain, the applause they crave.”

If you are dealing with a vulnerable narcissist, here are 3 sanity-preserving tips:

1. Set boundaries

Vulnerable narcissists (and narcissists in general) will take as much as you can give. Reciprocity is not in their nature. Do not make yourself available to them 24/7. Practice saying no. “I wish I could but…” and “Unfortunately, that won’t work for me” are handy phrases to keep in your back pocket. As the old saying goes, “Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.”

2. Consider a two person rule

Before saying yes to the person’s request or bending over backwards to accommodate their needs, get an unbiased perspective from someone else. A second opinion from a trusted friend or a therapist provides perspective and will prevent you from feeling used or manipulated by their neediness or guilt-inducing behavior.

3. Tap into their motivation

Vulnerable narcissists seek both status and belonging. They care desperately about being recognized and included. Frame feedback in terms of what they care about the most. Instead of confronting them head on, ask questions that help them see a situation from another’s point of view such as: “How do you think that person felt when you didn’t show up?” or “How would you feel if a friend didn’t show you and you were expecting them?” Accept that accountability does not come naturally to vulnerable narcissists but such questions might help them recognize that they bear some responsibility.

If you think you know a vulnerable narcissist (or think you might be one) The Three Minute Closet Narcissism Test is always an option. It includes questions such as:

  • I silently wonder why other people aren’t more appreciative of my good qualities.
  • I am often secretly annoyed when people come to me for sympathy and/or help with their problems.
  • I easily become wrapped up in my own interests and forget the interests or needs of others who are close to me.

On a final note, before you dismiss someone as a vulnerable narcissist, remember that humans are complex fragile creatures capable of extraordinary goodness and also selfishness and inhumanity. The tragic dimension of vulnerable narcissism is that the efforts put forth to achieve goals often have the exact opposite effect. The connection and validation they crave often go unmet and ultimately push people away. Instead of feeling anger, resentment, or hostility towards vulnerable narcissists, bear in mind the wise words of Brené Brown who reminds us to tap into the better angels of our nature:

“When I look at narcissism through the vulnerability lens, I see the shame-based fear of being ordinary. I see the fear of never feeling extraordinary enough to be noticed, to be lovable, to belong, or to cultivate a sense of purpose.”

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

Being Single May Make You Happier Than Ever

Contrary to popular belief, one is *not* the loneliest number.


Increasing numbers of people are single for one simple reason: they want to be. They don’t have intimacy issues, they are not selfish, and they are not single because they cannot find a partner. It’s a deliberate choice. While many may still believe that being single is synonymous with isolation and that the only on-ramp to happiness is marriage, research tells a different story.

Social scientists Natalia Sarkisian and Naomi Gerstel found that single people have more social connections and are more involved in their communities than their married counterparts. They are also more likely to socialize with neighbors and to reach out to their social network. Put simply, they are generous, happy, and satisfied with their choice. Moreover, they are a lifeline of the community and a reservoir of connection.

Related research suggests that single people are also healthier than their partnered peers. They work out more and are in better shape. On top of their physical fitness and active social lives, single people are more likely to experience a sense of personal growth and a feeling that their life is a continuous process of learning and discovery.

One thought to keep in mind: People change. We are ever-evolving. Daniel Gilbert, professor of psychology at Harvard University and author of the best-selling Stumbling on Happiness, puts it this way: “Human beings are works in progress that mistakenly think they’re finished. The person you are right now is as transient, as fleeting, and as temporary as all the people you’ve ever been. The one constant in our life is change.”

Stay flexible. Keep an open mind. You never know what your future self will think.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

7 Ways To Make Love Last

We may live in a world that tells us to go it alone, but at heart, we are social creatures, longing for genuine connection and craving the company and love of our fellow humans. The data is beyond dispute: happiness doesn’t only come from within, it also comes from with. In the spirit of Valentine’s Day, celebrate connection and expand your circle of love.

While chocolates and flowers are nice, here are seven ways to provide what we all crave — the experience of “felt love.”

Showing you care isn’t just for Valentine’s Day. Research from UCLA shows that how we respond to one another significantly predicts the quality of our relationship. The next time a loved one shares news, look up from your phone, or even better, put it away. Genuinely engage. Give them your full attention. Say these three magic words: “tell me more.” And mean it.

Why do kids get to have all the fun making arts and crafts? Break out the glue and glitter and spend some time making a beautiful Valentine’s Day card. Plus, a handwritten note is so much more meaningful than a Hallmark cliché expression of love.

In The Myths of Happiness, Sonja Lyubomirsky suggests doing novel and exciting things together (skydiving, ballroom dancing, etc.). Couples who engage in new experiences report more satisfaction with their relationships than those who engage in routine activities like going to a movie or cooking dinner.

Walking hand-in-hand and side-by-side is a physical way to be more in sync with your partner and be attuned to their needs. Synchronized movement generates what psychologist Barbara Frederickson calls “positivity resonance” — a synthesis of shared positivity, mutual care and concern, plus behavioral and biological synchrony. These micro-moments of connection deepen our social bonds and satisfy our longing to love and feel loved.

Novelty wears off in life and love. Researchers call this process of getting used to things hedonic adaptation. As the old saying goes:

The first kiss is magic. The second is intimate. The third is routine.

Spontaneity makes a difference. People are reminded of their attraction to their partner when they see them in an unexpected context — like watching them give a speech if they never have before, or running a marathon for the first time. It reminds them that there is more to the person they brush their teeth next to in the morning.

Disrupt your routine — go to a new brunch place on Sunday mornings, switch the side of the bed you sleep on, visit a different bed and breakfast. Banish “we always…” from your vocabulary. As Lyubomirsky writes, “we are less likely to take our marriage for granted when it continues to deliver strong emotional reactions in us.”

Charge yourself with detecting one way in which your partner is different each day. Looking for subtle differences shifts your expectations and will remind you of what attracted you to them in the first place.

According to a study, couples who wrote about a recent disagreement from the perspective of a neutral third party had greater relationship satisfaction, passion and desire over the long term. No essay is required. Writing about conflict resolution for seven minutes every four months did the trick.
The art of love… is largely the art of persistence. – Albert Ellis

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

Your Partner Doesn’t Need to Be Your Best Friend

“My goal is to marry my best friend,” explained the young woman in my office. I have heard a version of this many times. There is tremendous pressure today to find a partner who is your “one and only.“ Indeed, it’s practically impossible to scroll through Instagram without seeing someone refer to their significant other as their #bestie.

Relationship expert Esther Perel addresses this contemporary cliche and cautions against searching for a romantic partner who checks every box in a 2018 SXSW talk:

 

 

We still want all the same things that traditional marriage was about—[family life, companionship, economic support, and social status]—but now [we] also want [our partners] to be a best friend, a trusted confidant, and a passionate lover to boot… What we have created in a romantic ambition is one person to give us what once an entire village used to provide.

While it’s cozy to think of your romantic partner as your best friend (who doesn’t like a package deal?), here are 3 reasons it’s important to nourish your platonic relationships too.

1. Friends Help Us Weather The Storm

An argument with your significant other is one of the most upsetting of daily stressors. As one patient told me, fighting with his partner in the morning sets a negative tone for the rest of the day. He described it as a dark cloud that hangs over him and follows him around until the issue is resolved.

In addition to taking an emotional toll, there is a physical cost to relationship disharmony. Negative interactions can impact the immune system and cardiovascular function.

A couple’s therapist might encourage a bickering couple to work on conflict resolution and to spend more quality time together. A study offers another important way to protect oneself from the harmful effects of conflict: having good friends.

Researchers at the University of Texas, Austin, asked 105 newlywed couples to keep a daily diary of marital conflict and to complete questionnaires about their social interactions outside of the marriage. The couples provided morning and evening saliva samples so the researchers could measure levels of cortisol, a hormone the body produces in direct association with physiological stress.

The findings indicate that having a few good friends to lean on can buffer against the stress of everyday conflict with one’s partner. Participants with high quality social support experienced lower levels of stress when marital conflicts arose. It is worth nothing that the number of friends didn’t impact the couple’s ability to handle conflict—it was the quality of the social interactions that counted. Knowing that someone has your back makes every challenge a little bit easier.

There is a lesson here. If you are in a relationship, don’t forget to make an effort with your friends. Having a shoulder to lean on that is outside of your relationship will enhance your connection with your one and only. When there is trouble in paradise, you can turn to your friends to help you weather the storm.

Friends don’t just make life better, they make romantic relationships better too.

2. Boundaries Strengthen Bonds

Contrary to how romantic relationships are depicted on Instagram, spending all of your time together does not deepen the connection. Poet Ranier Maria Rilke understood the tension between the longing for togetherness and the fundamental need for autonomy in ‘Letters to a Young Poet.’

A merging of two people is an impossibility, and where it seems to exist, it is a hemming-in, a mutual consent that robs one party or both parties of their fullest freedom and development. But once the realization is accepted that even between the closest people infinite distances exist, a marvelous living side-by-side can grow up for them, if they succeed in loving the expanse between them, which gives them the possibility of always seeing each other as a whole and before an immense sky.

While it is important to share the same values—having different interests, hobbies, and friends allows for the “possibility of always seeing each other as a whole and before an immense sky.”

Supporting your partner’s interests and encouraging their pursuit is known as “autonomy support.” In other words, if your significant other loves to go camping but it’s not for you, suggest they go on a camping trip. If your partner is passionate about Broadway but you cannot stand it, buy tickets for them and their best friend. People are happiest when they do things that matter to them and become frustrated when they cannot. Encouraging the one you love to pursue their interests is relationship-enhancing. I am not suggesting that you and your partner need to be totally independent. On the contrary, when you support another’s autonomy, it will bring you closer together. As Rilke observed:

A good marriage is one in which each partner appoints the other to be the guardian of his solitude.

3. Greater Health, Happiness, and Wellbeing

Friendships often take a backseat to other demands but the more we prioritize friendships, the happier and healthier we are and the better our romantic relationships will be. A study from Michigan State University found that close friendships predict day-to-day happiness, how long we’ll live, and even more so than spousal and family relationships. On days when individuals interact with friends, they report greater happiness and are in a better mood. In fact, people generally report more positive experiences with their friends than they do with their families, particularly in later life.

Bottom line: Invest in friendship.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

Do You Salt Your Food Before You Taste It?

Thomas Edison, the driving force behind such innovations as the phonograph, the incandescent light bulb, and the motion picture camera, was also creative when it came to hiring new employees. As part of the screening process, he would invite the candidate to lunch and order soup for the table. If the candidate added salt to the soup before testing it, Edison had his answer.

Pre-seasoners, he reasoned, did not belong in his laboratory because they relied on knee-jerk assumptions and mindless habits, behaviors antithetical to innovation. Edison only hired those who tasted the soup before adding salt. For Edison, reliance on evidence at the lunch table was a litmus test for curiosity in the real world.

While one can debate the utility of the soup test in the hiring process as an indicator of an open mind, it is worth taking a closer look at other behaviors many of us perform without thinking.


These unconscious pairings could undoubtedly benefit from some conscious uncoupling. Another mindless tendency is the impulse to add something whenever we want to make a change. A study from the University of Virginia School of Engineering and Applied Science found that we rarely look at a situation, object, or idea that needs improving and think to remove something as a solution. This is known as subtraction neglect.

We add meetings to solve problems at work, we add homework to improve academic performance, we add an ingredient to perfect a recipe, we add apps to boost efficiency, we add products to enhance our skin. Rarely do we consider how transformative the alternative—removing an element—could be. It’s only when encouraged to consider deletion that we brainstorm more creatively.

A more is more mindset is certainly apparent in the world of medicine. If a patient presents with a new symptom, the doctor typically prescribes a medication or recommends a lifestyle change. Perhaps subtraction neglect partially explains why so many people end up with tackle boxes of pills. Alas, the result of additive change is full medicine cabinets, closets, schedules, and landfills.

“Additive ideas come to mind quickly and easily, but subtractive ideas require more cognitive effort,” explained associate professor Benjamin Converse, coauthor of the study. “Because people are often moving fast and working with the first ideas that come to mind, they end up accepting additive solutions without considering subtraction at all.”
Before adding salt to your soup or adding yet another task to your to-do list, gather evidence, ask questions, and consider your options.

Bottom line: Consciously uncoupling unconscious tendencies can be liberating.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

Are You Experiencing Decision Paralysis?

The number, frequency, and urgency of decisions that demand our attention on a daily basis are exhausting. Here are 5 strategies that might help.

Cream or Milk?

Do you want fries with that?

Should I bring an umbrella?

Our days are essentially one decision after another. The number, frequency, and urgency of decisions that demand our attention on a daily basis are exhausting. Decision-making has gotten even harder during the pandemic. As one patient told me recently, “It took me 10 minutes to decide if I should give my dog a bath today or tomorrow. I overthink everything. Every decision feels momentous.” Another told me that she and her partner took so long deciding what movie to watch they gave up after an hour of watching trailers. The idea of committing to anything feels daunting.

Increasing numbers report “decision paralysis” over minor and relatively inconsequential decisions. Nearly one-third of adults (32%) said sometimes they are so stressed about the coronavirus pandemic that they struggle to make basic decisions, such as what to wear or what to eat. Millennials (48%) were particularly likely to struggle with this when compared with other groups (Gen Z adults: 37%, Gen Xers: 32%, Boomers: 14%, older adults: 3%).

Sustained stress drains our cognitive resources, and the uncertainty of the pandemic has left many feeling emotionally exhausted and overwhelmed. Our brains are buckling under an endless stream of information, making it even harder to make good choices and focus our energy productively.

These days, the risks and benefits of participating in basic activities require ongoing assessment and evaluation. From attending social gatherings to going to a restaurant to taking public transportation, we have to ask ourselves, “Should I or shouldn’t I?”

Cognitive overload makes it challenging to process, sort, and prioritize data. As a friend put it recently, “Every decision makes me feel like Edvard Munch’s ‘The Scream.’ I just want to hold my head and shout ‘I don’t know.'”

If you are experiencing decision paralysis, here are 5 strategies that might help.

1. Stick to a routine

Establishing a predictable routine will help keep minor decisions at a minimum. Wash the dog on Sundays. Call your grandmother on Fridays. Schedule a walk with a friend on Saturdays. Structure leaves less wiggle room for indecision. Plus, research from the University of Southern California found that establishing healthy habits makes us more likely to default to them during periods of stress. For instance, participants who regularly ate oatmeal for breakfast during the semester were more likely to eat a healthy breakfast during exams. Students who ate unhealthy breakfasts during the semester — such as pastries or doughnuts — ate even more junk food during exams.

2. Be your own Choice Architect

Instead of depleting valuable cognitive resources to guide you through each and every decision, eliminate unnecessary choices. Steve Jobs famously wore a black turtleneck every day so he didn’t have to waste time thinking about what to wear. I have a friend who always orders the special in a restaurant so he doesn’t have to bother with the endless options on the menu. As your own choice architect, design your surroundings to promote choices that reflect your values. Fill your refrigerator with healthy options to spare, turn your bedroom into a sleep sanctuary, and place your sneakers by the front door to remind you to go for a walk. Making it harder to choose behaviors that don’t align with your values makes it easy to choose behaviors that do. Eliminate vitality draining options. If you throw out the candy bar in your desk drawer, you won’t waste time thinking about whether or not you should eat it.

3. Aim for good enough

Instead of investing substantial time and effort mulling over the details of every option, aim for good enough. Research in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that Maximizers, people who agonize endlessly over decisions, experience more regret and lower levels of happiness than Satisficers. If you are exhibiting Maximizing tendencies, consider the following exercise. Over the next week, make one choice every day that is “good enough.” For example, if deciding what to cook for dinner, throw together what you already have in the fridge. If in need of a new toothpaste, close your eyes and pull one off the shelf. Later in the day, reflect on why this choice was a fine choice as well as the benefits of deciding without relentless deliberation.

4. Remember to HALT

If decision fatigue is depleting your energy stores and willpower, don’t forget to HALT.

HALT stands for:

Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired

If you are experiencing any of the above, you may be vulnerable to making impulsive or suboptimal choices. The key is to recognize how these states might influence your decision-making capacity and to press pause before rushing into a decision you might later regret. Next time decision paralysis kicks in, ask yourself: Am I hungry, angry, lonely, or tired? Eating a snack, taking a walk, calling a friend, and getting a good night’s sleep might work wonders. As the old saying goes, don’t make a permanent decision because of a temporary emotion.

5. Perform a pre-mortem


Doctors perform a post-mortem when a patient dies to figure out the cause of death. A pre-mortem is the hypothetical opposite. Instead of waiting for “the end” to figure out what went wrong, a pre-mortem is a hypothetical exercise that you perform before a decision has been made. The idea is to imagine yourself in the future and that the decision you made did not turn out well. For instance, perhaps you are considering leaving your job. The upsides are obvious to you. To make sure you aren’t missing anything, fast forward in your mind three months and imagine that you are bored, lonely, and concerned about finances. By forcing yourself to imagine scenarios that turn out to be sub-optimal, you can pick up. blind spots in your thinking according to psychologist Gary Klein.


Bottom line: Don’t be a squirrel when it comes to making decisions.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

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