“I feel like I have too many tabs open in my brain,” explained my friend. I can totally relate. At the end of the day, my brain often hurts. I am overwhelmed by the relentless stream of information that begins the moment I look at my phone in the morning until I put it away before going to bed. Some of it is worth attending to — an email about a deadline, a text from my mother, a new study about the psychological effects of morning coffee, an update from a patient, or an article about the war in Ukraine.

But the lion’s share of notifications and announcements don’t deserve a moment of attention … but get it anyway. I sit down to work but instead click on a “breaking news” story with the irresistible title DNA match reunites missing daughter with her family 51 years after she was kidnapped, family says. As the old saying goes, inquiring minds want to know. I read the story and then another about a case of chickenpox that turned out to be Ebola and then another about a one-eyed three-legged cat. Twenty minutes later, I’m still scrolling.

I like to think of myself as someone who has a reasonable amount of self-control but as the day wears on, clickbait often gets the better of me. It’s downright hard not to tumble down the rabbit hole of mind-numbing but curiosity-peaking titles like:

She dragged her plate across the pool. What happened next blew my mind

When you read these 19 shocking food facts, you’ll never want to eat again

He thought it was Bigfoot’s skull, but then experts told him THIS

A new research paper published in Current Directions in Psychological Science offers some hope to help counteract the challenges of attention-grabbing online traps that are not only low-quality but also often full of misinformation. The authors argue that critical ignoring — deliberately and strategically choosing what to disregard and where to invest one’s limited attentional capacities — is an essential life skill for citizens of the digital world. In addition to keeping us informed, critical ignoring can also help us stay sane.

When it comes to recognizing and resisting online manipulation, critical thinking is the skill that typically comes to mind. Defined as “thinking that is purposeful, reasoned, and goal-directed,” critical thinking enables us to search for knowledge by examining it closely and considering it from multiple angles. But when the world comes to us filtered through digital devices, there is no longer a need to decide which information to seek. It’s coming at us whether we like it or not. Spending time and energy considering material that should have been ignored in the first place wastes our time and hijacks valuable cognitive resources. Instead of focusing on critical thinking to protect us, focus on critical ignoring:

Teaching the competence of critical ignoring requires a paradigm shift in educators’ thinking, from a sole focus on the power and promise of paying close attention to an additional emphasis on the power of ignoring. Encouraging students and other online users to embrace critical ignoring can empower them to shield themselves from the excesses, traps, and information disorders of today’s attention economy.

From early on, we are told to pay attention. Learning what to ignore is just as valuable. Here are three tools to help you develop the skills of critical ignoring:

‘Tis the season to be merry. For many, ’tis also the season for contentious dinner table conversations. If heated debates about politics, vaccine mandates or any other contentious topics are inevitable with friends and family this holiday season, beware of “persuasion fatigue.” Persuasion fatigue sets in when we attempt to convince someone about something but hit a wall instead. No matter how much logic we deploy, how many facts we cite, or how many examples we use, our audience doesn’t budge. Instead of nodding in agreement, they stare back blankly or, worse, repeat their own position and reject our flawless argument. “What’s wrong with you?” we think to ourselves and sometimes cannot resist saying out loud.

It’s not me, it’s you

According to a recent article by Nathan Ballantyne, associate professor of philosophy, cognition and culture at Arizona State University, in Scientific American, persuasion fatigue is a unique form of social frustration that can cloud our judgment and harm our relationships. When we become frustrated, we tend to blame our conversational opponent rather than acknowledge our own limitations. As Mark Twain once said, “In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane.” The author’s research supports Twain’s observation. He found that people generally reported three times as many reasons why others’ shortcomings led to failed debates rather than their own. Exasperation undermines perspective-taking and unlocks finger-pointing. It makes us super-sensitive to criticism and quick to anger. Over-confidence coupled with contempt is not going to win anyone over, nor is it good for our social connections.

Thankfully there are steps you can take to stop persuasion fatigue from derailing your debates and ruining your relationships:

1. Go for small wins

Don’t be overly ambitious in debate. Rather than seeking unconditional agreement with your opinion, aim for islands of understanding. Seeing eye to eye on major issues is unlikely but it might be possible to find points of consensus. As the author suggests, “Maybe you can’t convince your in-laws to get vaccinated today, but helping them understand the science behind modern vaccine programs may make them more inclined to get the shot in the future.”

2. Consider their values

When making an argument, put yourself in the other person’s shoes. What do they care about? Wrapping your message in terms of their values is far more persuasive than trying to bang them over the head with your morality. Psychologists call this “moral reframing” and have found that the simple act of telling your debate opponent that you respect and understand where they’re coming from may lower their defenses and open them up to a new perspective.

3. Avoid zero-sum thinking

Believing that the only way for you to win is for them to lose will exacerbate persuasion fatigue. As the author points out, “sometimes you’re better off seeing an argument as a collaborative effort to find the truth—less like angry neighbors fighting over their property line and more like a pair of land surveyors. The surveyors map terrain together by viewing it from multiple angles.” Search for middle ground. Keep in mind that everyone knows something you don’t. Ask yourself a humbling question: “Do I know all there is to know here, or could the other person show me something new?”

Bottom Line: If you sense persuasion fatigue kicking in, take a break. Change the topic. There are so many other things to talk about.

The secret sauce of expressions of gratitude is that they impact how we relate to one another. Feeling gratitude towards one’s partner conjures feelings of warmth and love. It’s no surprise that we behave more generously when we feel cared for than when we feel taken for granted or unseen. In turn, when we receive expressions of gratitude from our partner, we feel valued and appreciated. Feeling thankful and being thanked create an upward spiral of responsiveness and connection.

Expressing gratitude to people we are close to can feel awkward. It’s often easier to say thank you to someone we barely know than to someone we love.

Here are a few tips to help get you over the gratitude hump:

1. Pay attention 🔍

Be on the lookout for ordinary gestures of thoughtfulness. As the poet David White says, “Gratitude arises from paying attention, from being awake in the presence of everything that lives within and without us.”

2. Say it out loud 🗣

If you catch yourself thinking something positive about your partner, speak up. Instead of keeping that feeling to yourself, let them know. If they said something interesting or funny, point it out. If you think they look great, give them a compliment. If a warm memory of you together pops into your head, send them a text.

3. Put it in writing ✍️

Writing a note means a lot. A long epistle will certainly be appreciated but a short one works well too. Sarah scribbled, “Thank you for being you” on a Post-It note and left it on the bathroom mirror. Her partner keeps it in his wallet.

4. Act it out 🫶

Express thanks not only in what you say but in what you do. What everyday action can you take to show appreciation for your partner? No flowers or chocolates necessary. Think of ordinary gestures and small favors that show love.

5. Go public 📣

Complaining about our partner to friends might seem like the thing to do but it doesn’t have to be this way. Change the narrative and talk about what you appreciate instead. Reminding yourself about their positive qualities can boost gratitude even when your partner isn’t there to hear what you love about them.

Bottom Line: Grateful couples are more satisfied in their relationships and feel closer to each other. Don’t delay giving your relationship a booster shot.

“Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.” — Marcel Proust

I include these criteria not only because I want readers to know that depression can manifest in many ways but also to underscore the importance of seeking professional help if they apply to you or a loved one.

Over the years I have diagnosed, hospitalized, and treated many patients with the full range of the symptoms described above. But there are also many who qualify for an “almost diagnosis” — not mentally ill by clinical standards but lacking positive mental health.

When I first opened my private practice, most of the new patients I took on were at an inflection point. They sought help to assess a life-changing decision or to understand a relationship, or they were in the midst of a significant transition, often following a loss. The chronic issues in their daily lives did not take center stage. Today more and more patients come to see me because of the ups and downs in their daily lives. They are feeling worn out and worn down by the daily grind.

Women seem to feel it the most. Almost half of the women surveyed said they frequently experience daily stress, and more than 40 percent said they feel as if they don’t have enough time. Their lives are nonstop, with a to-do list that seems bottomless. Often a lack of vitality only amplifies their stress. Patients often just give up and sigh, “I guess that’s just life.”

The hassles of day-to-day living — the annoying, anxiety-provoking, and frustrating experiences that are embedded into everyday life — are a significant source of stress. Seemingly minor occurrences — an argument with a child or partner, an unexpected work deadline, arriving late for an appointment, missing a train, or dealing with a malfunctioning computer — all contribute. One study’s results indicated that watching the news and losing your cell phone are among the top ten daily events that stress people out. Even a long line at your local coffee shop or not having hot water for your morning shower can be enough to put you in a terrible mood. We know it’s absurd to allow something minor to ruin a minute let alone a day. We try to dismiss these daily irritations as irrelevant or as the “first-world problems” they are. We tell ourselves that they don’t matter in the long run. But they do.

Many assume that major life events like divorce, the death of a spouse, and the loss of a job are the most virulent causes of stress, but a University of California, Berkeley study confirmed that so-called microstressors are the ones we need to watch out for: “[T]hese kinds of stressors have been taken for granted and considered to be less important than more dramatic stressors. Clinical and research data indicate that these ‘micro-stressors’ acting cumulatively, and in the relative absence of compensatory positive experience, can be potent sources of stress.”

The impact of challenges that occur during everyday living on both a person’s physical and mental health cannot be underestimated and are, in fact, better predictors of health than major life events.

To stop the pebbles from pummeling you, these links might be helpful:

“If they only knew … I am a total fraud and everyone is about to find out.”

If you have ever felt this way, you are familiar with imposter syndrome — that gnawing feeling of self-doubt and incompetence coupled with the dread of being exposed as a fraud.

People with imposter syndrome feel inauthentic, question their ability to be successful and are convinced that they do not belong in the roles they hold, even when they experience success. Women are especially vulnerable to imposter syndrome, though I know a number of wildly successful men who suffer from it too. As a male patient once commented during a session: “When are they going to pull the curtain back and realize that I just got lucky?” He had just made partner at a highly competitive New York City law firm and was in his early forties. “Unworthy” was the adjective he used to describe himself.

There is evidence that men and women experience imposter syndrome differently — men who feel like imposters have more anxiety when they receive negative feedback and as a result, exert less effort, whereas women who feel like imposters do the opposite. Both live in constant fear of being “discovered” and, rather than proud or accomplished, feel undeserving of the recognition or respect they receive.

My mother-in-law loved music, art, and food. Her hearing was selective at the dinner table. If a guest dared to decline a dish, she ignored them. She would place the food in front of the person and say, “I am just going to leave it here. Just in case. You never know….”

She died last week at the age of 87. While expected, her passing was still a blow. My husband spent months preparing for it but to paraphrase Kathryn Schulz one’s unresponsive and dying parent is, in some extremely salient way, still alive. Imagining her gone is not the same as living in a world without her breathing in it.

To make better use of our time and to crawl out from under the mound of French Fries, Harvard professor Arthur Brooks in a New York Times article suggests approaching each day as if you had one year left to live. If an activity doesn’t pass the “last-year test,” don’t do it: