Spot a Narcissist (Before You Marry, Hire, Date, or Befriend One) By Asking These 2 Questions

Hands down, narcissism is the psychological disorder I get the most questions about. Rarely do people voice concern over their own narcissistic tendencies. In fact, nobody has ever come to my office and said, “Am I a narcissist?” though many have asked if they have depression or anxiety. What they would like to know about is how to deal with the narcissists in their lives. This week’s Dose is about how to spot a narcissist before you marry, hire, date, or befriend one.

It’s worth pointing out that narcissism isn’t always toxic and to a certain extent is adaptive. Desiring admiration, attention, and approval is part of being human and the motivation to maintain positive self-regard is perfectly normal. In fact, it’s healthy to think well of oneself. Interestingly, studies show that most of us think a little
too highly of ourselves. Ninety-three percent of drivers believe they are “more skilled than most drivers.” Eighty-five percent of college students say they “get along better with others than average.” People think their kids are better than other kids.

Just because most of us have exaggerated perceptions of personal superiority doesn’t mean that we are all narcissists.

Normal narcissism is distinct from pathological narcissism.
The two questions I always ask to assess for the presence of pathological narcissism are:
Those with narcissistic personality disorder can typically talk about themselves for hours on end but they have a hard time describing the other people in their lives. They happily provide lively, specific, and usually flattering details about themselves but when pressed to talk about other significant people in their lives, they have little to say.


In contrast to the rich depictions of the self, they typically provide shallow, vague, and oftentimes generic descriptions of the people they are supposedly close to. A narcissistic husband who cheats on his wife might describe her as “a bore” or “not fun to be with” without providing any nuance or depth of understanding of her inner life or acknowledging how his behavior is impacting her.

According to Eve Caligor, clinical professor of psychiatry at Columbia University, people with narcissistic personality disorder have relationships that are transactional and lacking in empathy. Their interest in others is self-serving and viewed through the lens of self-enhancement as in “how can this person elevate my social standing or help me look good?”

For a narcissist, getting ahead is more important than getting along and this exploitative mindset is captured by their inability to imagine or describe the feelings of others.

As insanely obvious as this sounds, this is a reliable way to identify a narcissist. A study found that how people rated themselves on a scale of 1 (not true of me) to 7 (very true of me) aligned closely with other validated measures of narcissism, such as the widely used Narcissistic Personality Inventory.

Brad Bushman, a co-author of the study and professor of communication and psychology at Ohio State University
explained:

“People who are willing to admit they are more narcissistic than others probably actually are more narcissistic. People who are narcissists are almost proud of the fact. You can ask them directly because they don’t see narcissism as a negative quality — they believe they are superior to other people and are fine with saying that publicly.”

One of the many advantages of this simple narcissism litmus test is that it enables narcissist identification so quickly and easily. Of course, you could always ask someone to take the classic
Narcissism Personality Inventory developed by Raskin and Hall but that might be a little awkward.


Bottom line: Healthy narcissism is real. So is toxic narcissism. Ask these two revealing questions to spot the difference.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

Stress Isn’t All Bad: 3 Ways to Get Comfortable With Discomfort

In 1915 a German warship torpedoed the British ocean liner Lusitania off the coast of Ireland, sinking it and drowning almost twelve hundred passengers, including 128 American citizens. A hundred years later my son had to deliver a speech on this attack and its significance to his sixth-grade class. It was a challenging assignment, and he spent stressful weeks rehearsing the presentation, knowing he would be judged by his teachers and peers. His preparation paid off, and when I asked him afterward about the experience, he responded with a smile, “It was really hard, but in a good way.

Stress, we are constantly told, is unequivocally bad for us. If we want to stay healthy, we are advised to banish it from our lives and avoid it at all costs. From divorce to depression to dementia, we point the finger at stress. If only we had less of it, we are led to believe, we would be happy, healthy, and well-adjusted. Missing from the conversation is how hard and challenging experiences help us grow, and that things can be stressful … in a good way.

New research from the Youth Development Institute at the University of Georgia published in Psychiatry Research found that low to moderate levels of stress can help individuals develop resilience and reduce the risk of developing mental health disorders, like depression and antisocial behaviors. According to the authors, stressful situations and environments prompt individuals to be resourceful and cognitively flexible, and as a result learn strategies and skills that help them overcome adversity and thrive. As they conclude, “Our findings highlighted the role of enhanced cognitive functioning as a mechanism through which low-to-moderate levels of psychosocial stress confer psychological and socioemotional strengthening effects that may help individuals cope with current and future stressors.” Put differently, a certain amount of stress can be psychologically beneficial, potentially acting as a kind of inoculation against developing mental health issues down the line.

The belief that stress is debilitating under any circumstance undermines the ability to cope with life’s challenges and promotes avoidance of uncomfortable but also potentially growth experiences. As the research highlights, adverse experiences can actually make us stronger and prepare us for future uncertainty.

Here is how you can build your stress muscle and get comfortable with discomfort:

1. Make a Failure Resume

Tina Seelig, Professor of the Practice in Stanford University’s Department of Management Science and Engineering, encourages her students to create a detailed Failure Resume; a full list of all their failures, as well as what they learned from each one of those missteps. Building failure into the learning process normalizes disappointment and frustration. It’s an antidote for perfectionism and puts mistakes into perspective. Challenges are less stressful when seen through the lens of progress and learning. As Seelig notes, “if you want more successes, you are going to have to tolerate more failure along the way.”

Along these lines, talk to your kids about the times you messed up—personally, professionally, academically. Let them know about the goofs, the gaffes, and the stumbles as well as what you do differently as a result. Stepping off the pedestal of perfection will enable them to see challenges as hurdles instead of road blocks.

2. Adopt a Stress-Can-Be Enhancing Mindset

Believing that all stress is toxic can lead to disengagement from resilience building experiences. Indeed a stress-avoidance mentality ignores the reality that elevated levels of stress are normal, and in many ways, even desirable when acquiring new skills. A recent study published in Nature found that students who learn that people’s stress responses are not harmful but instead can fuel performance by helping them persevere and take on difficult challenges were more resilient. The key is to reframe stress responses away from something negative that needs to be feared and tamped down towards recognizing those responses—sweaty palms, a racing heart, for example—as a positive driving force.

3. Get Awkward

Research suggests that if we shift our attitude towards discomfort, seeing it as a sign of progress and something to strive for rather than avoid, we are more motivated to work towards our goals and more engaged in the process. A new paper in Psychological Science suggests that allowing for awkwardness makes people less stress-avoidant and more willing to embrace challenges: “Instead of avoiding the discomfort inherent to growth, people should seek it as a sign of progress. Growing is often uncomfortable; we find that embracing discomfort can be motivating.” Across a range of situations, including improv classes, expressive journaling, as well as learning about challenging topics such as COVID-19, opposing political viewpoints, and gun violence, people who were invited to embrace discomfort persisted longer, engaged more, and were more curious.

Psychiatrist Richard Friedman, who runs the mental health services for Weill Cornell Medicine of Cornell University in New York, has voiced concern that the emphasis on wellness today is creating unrealistic expectations that everyone should be smiling and stress free at all times. “Though I can’t prove it,” Friedman wrote, “I suspect that my generation suffered less burnout than current students for the simple reason that we expected to have a rough ride.”

Each year Friedman greets incoming first-year medical students by telling them, “These next four years will be exciting and challenging and stressful … It’s entirely natural to feel anxious, overwhelmed at times, and exhausted. In fact, it’s evidence you are alive and engaged in your work.”

We feel stress because we care and because we’re striving. Poet David Whyte describes this succinctly: “In romance, in parenting, and in our professional lives—when we’re fully committed and deeply engaged, we get hurt, feel frustration, upset. And that’s not a bad thing. It means you are sincere and committed.

Bottom Line: Things can be hard and stressful … but in a good way.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

Does the Thought of Winding Down Wind You Up?

Imagine sitting alone at a restaurant waiting for a friend. How do you pass the time? Do you look around? Do you savor the alone time to reflect? Do you allow yourself to daydream? Odds are you do none of the above. You reach for your phone and don’t look up until your friend arrives.

Using our phone as a time-filler whenever there is a free moment is now the norm. Waiting on line, in between conversations at a cocktail party, before a meeting begins, sitting in a taxi, along with every other “in-between” moment, are now invitations to connect with our devices instead of the world around us or ourselves.

Is it really that hard to sit in solitude without anything to do? The short answer is yes. According to research conducted at the University of Virginia, people do not enjoy being left alone with their thoughts. Participants in the study were seated in sparsely furnished rooms for 15 minutes without any distraction—no phone, no book, no paper, no pen. The only diversion was a button they could push to shock themselves. Before the experiment began, the researchers administered a brief zap to demonstrate how it felt. It wasn’t pleasant—all participants said that they wouldn’t want to be shocked again. But this changed once the experiment was underway. In the 15 minutes of solitude, 67% of the men and 25% of the women zapped themselves. Even the researchers were shocked by the shocks.

“What is striking is that simply being alone with their own thoughts for 15 min was apparently so aversive that it drove many participants to self-administer an electric shock that they had earlier said they would pay to avoid.”

It is tempting to blame the overuse of devices to provide non-stop entertainment and distraction. Interestingly, however, difficulty being alone was unrelated to age or use of technology. A grandmother was as miserable as a college freshman when forced to entertain herself. Perhaps the best explanation for this “shocking” behavior is the “scanner hypothesis” which posits that mammals have evolved to monitor their environment for change and to scan for danger and opportunities. As the lead researcher, Timothy Wilson, explains:

“It would be a little odd to see a chimpanzee posed like Rodin’s thinker for extended periods of time.”

Downtime of any kind can be challenging. Few savor the idea of taking time to “just think” or relax. Distraction is our default mode. I have a number of patients who have difficulty winding down. As one patient explained, “the more I try not to think about work, the more I think about work.” Another dreads the peace and quiet: “I miss the energy of the office.” A third rejects the expectation to chill out: “I told my partner I cannot be told to relax on command.” Vacation trepidation affects many who are used to leading “crazy busy” lives.

There may be an evolutionary explanation for feeling uncomfortable when left alone with our thoughts. That said, there is an advantage to learning to sit without distraction. In fact, research shows that solitude is crucial for the development of the self. As highlighted in a study entitled, Solitude: An Exploration of Benefits of Being Alone, solitude is associated with creativity, intimacy, and spirituality. Spending time alone allows for growth and reflection. There is also evidence that it can improve relationships and builds empathy. French philosopher Blaise Pascal said, “All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit in a quiet room alone.”

Meditation and other relaxation techniques are well-established strategies to make downtime more tolerable and perhaps even productive. By gaining control over our thoughts, little annoyances like traffic jams and waiting rooms become less stressful and the big questions become less daunting.

Boredom isn’t such a bad thing, especially when you reframe it as an opportunity to use your imagination. In an article in GQ magazine, Lin-Manuel Miranda, the mastermind behind the hit show “Hamilton,” talks about a childhood friend who once spent a three-hour car ride playing with a stick he found in the backyard.

Sometimes the stick was a man, sometimes a piece in a larger game, or he’d give it voices, pretend the stick was a telephone. I remember sitting there next to him with my ‘Donkey Kong’ thinking, ‘Dude, you just entertained yourself for three hours … with a f–king twig!’ And I thought to myself, ‘Wow, I have to raise my imagination game.’

Miranda says “time alone is the gift of self-entertainment—and that is the font of creativity. Because there is nothing better to spur creativity than a blank page or an empty bedroom.

Next time you find yourself with nothing to do, instead of staring at a screen, channel a famous refrain from one of the songs in Hamilton: Look around, look around. How lucky we are to be alive right now.

These days I spend a lot of time talking to my patients about how they spend their days. I prescribe at least fifteen minutes a day, every day, of doing NOTHING. As a result, their mindset about free time has shifted. Instead of thinking of downtime as a source of anxiety, they now think of it as an opportunity. Best of all, they look forward to their vacations.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

The Feel Good Factor: Vitality

Vitality is a word I didn’t hear much in medical school or psychiatry residence. I was well versed in the language of illness, not health. Back then, vitality brought to mind a French yogurt or Richard Simmons dancing to the oldies.

I had no idea how vital vitality was for our physical and mental health. These days vitality is front and center in my daily life and in my clinical practice. It is also the subject of my book that is coming out in paperback in August.

What is vitality?

Vitality is a positive feeling of aliveness and energy that is at the heart of wellbeing. It comes from the Latin word vitalis meaning “of or belonging to life.” Vitality refers to more than merely being active or having enough energy or consuming enough calories (alas, a granola bar isn’t the secret sauce of vitality). Vitality also conjures a feeling of enthusiasm and spirit. It’s in our brain and our body.

When we possess vitality, we feel up to a challenge and ready for anything. When we lack it, we feel drained and indifferent. Languishing and a lack of vitality are soul sisters. Andrew Solomon, psychologist and best-selling author, sums it up perfectly: “The opposite of depression isn’t happiness. It’s vitality.”

The building blocks of vitality

Building vitality relies on boosting the following three basic psychological needs:

Autonomy is the experience that you are the author of your own behavior and make your own choices.
  • It is the opposite of feeling controlled or like a pawn.

  • Autonomy protects against feelings of frustration and dissatisfaction.

  • It involves being proactive, planning ahead, and making decisions that reflect your values.

Competence is the experience of feeling effective at what you do.
  • It derives from activities as big as completing a meaningful project to actions as simple as making the bed or working on a hobby.

  • Competence protects us against feelings of hopelessness.

Relatedness is the need to feel loved, connected to others, and meaningfully involved with the broader social world.
  • The more we feel understood and appreciated in our daily lives, the more connected we feel to others.

  • Engaging in meaningful conversations is a reliable way to boost connection.

  • Relatedness protects against loneliness and depression.

What enhances vitality?

Vitality is in the actions we take, the connections we make, and how we participate. Here are 6 reliable vitality boosters:

1. Go outside 🏞

Studies show that spending time in nature makes people feel more alive. “Nature is fuel for the soul,” says Richard Ryan, lead author and a professor of psychology at the University of Rochester. “Often when we feel depleted we reach for a cup of coffee, but research suggests a better way to get energized is to connect with nature.” Be intentional about it. Look up. Look around. Notice something new about your surroundings. The antidote for drudgery is surprise.

2. Sit less and move more 👟

Do something vigorously in the morning and ideally with a friend. Also, think of the many ways you can embed more movement into your day. Take the stairs, get off the subway or the bus a stop early, get a dog, pick up lunch instead of ordering in. Once you start paying attention, you recognize that opportunities to move are everywhere.

3. Get enough sleep 💤

Sleep is vital for vitality. Once you start paying attention to your bedtime rituals, you will find opportunities to optimize your sleep. Put your phone in another room, pull down the shades and eliminate all artificial light (I bring tape with me when I travel to cover any digital offenders), and keep the room cool. According to research, sleep quality predicts people’s daily vitality.

4. Eat your vegetables 🥕

A study found that eating just a few more servings of fruits and vegetables a day can lift your mood and boost our psychological wellbeing in just two weeks. Yes, just two weeks. Participants reported an increase in motivation, vitality and flourishing. It’s the gift that keeps on giving — even after the study was over, people wanted to continue eating their fruits and vegetables because they felt so good.

Source: Let them eat fruit! The effect of fruit and vegetable consumption on psychological well-being in young adults: A randomized controlled trial

5. Cultivate connection 👯‍♀️

Vitality and social connection go hand in hand. Make the most of your interactions with others. Give them your full attention. Engage in meaningful conversations. Show up for your friends. Ask the barista how his day is and actively listen to his response. Express gratitude to a loved one. Pick up the phone instead of sending a text. Give a compliment to a colleague. Prioritize in person interactions. Volunteer this weekend for an organization you care about. Giving of our time and of ourselves is a reliable vitality booster for all involved.

“A vital person is someone whose aliveness and spirit are expressed not only in personal productivity and activity-such individuals often infectiously energize those with whom they come into contact,” observed Martin Seligman and Mihaly Csikszentmihaly in Character Strengths and Virtues.

6. Learn something 🧠

Make time for personal projects that expand your mind or expose you to new ideas or experiences. Whether you do something creative, athletic, academic, or something more individualized, what really matters is that it is something you find meaningful. Effortful intentional activities that stretch the body or the mind may not be experienced as pleasurable in the moment, but when we recall them, we’re more likely to think, “Wow, that was awesome!” or “That was time well spent.”

One study found that mastering a new skill or challenging yourself intellectually is more effective at reducing anxiety and building resilience than demand-shielding activities. Using our minds feeds our psychological need for growth, discovery, and expansion. In addition, gaining new skills or knowledge directs our focus outside of ourselves. As astronomy professor Abraham Loeb once observed, “Learning means giving a higher priority to the world around you than to yourself.”

Vampires of Vitality

Every single day there are countless scenarios in which we misjudge what will replenish or fortify us. After spending nine hours at your desk and another hour getting home, it’s understandable that all you want to do is collapse onto the sofa. A friend calls and invites you out to meet her new boyfriend. You decline because you just don’t have the energy. Spending the evening in front of mind-numbing television is so much easier and requires so little.

Devitalizing activities are “cotton candy for the soul.” The first bite tastes good, but by the time you have polished off the pink tornado, your tongue hurts and your hands are sticky. You are filled with sugar and regret. On top of feeling gross, you’re still hungry.

Bottom Line: beware the vampires of vitality and make vitalizing choices that nourish you.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

The Difference Between Narcissistic And Benevolent Lies

Most of the time honesty is the best policy…but not always. Under some circumstances, telling a white lie may even help bolster social connections. Prosocial lies—lies that benefit others—are grounded in compassion and can actually build trust, according to a study from the University of Pennsylvania’s Wharton School of Business. Indeed, a white lie may be the best course of action if you intend to protect or benefit the other person.

Imagine you are a bridesmaid at your best friend’s wedding and she asks you moments before walking down the aisle, “How do I look?This is not the moment to tell her your thoughts about the neckline being unflattering. If she had asked you the same question four months earlier while trying on wedding dresses, the unfiltered truth might have been useful but not now. If there is no time or ability to make a change, deception might be welcome.

Source: Getty Images

Context matters. So does intention. There is a difference between being mean and being honest. If an employee isn’t performing well, focusing on ways they can improve will be more helpful than insulting their past work. “Just being honest” is never an excuse to hurt someone.

Prosocial lies are told to protect relationships and are motivated by caring. Anti-social lies are told for personal gain or to cover up misdeeds. Thankfully, research from The University of Alabama at Birmingham shows that these types of liars are the exception and not the rule. In other words, everyday communication is more honest than assumed. “That said, there are these few prolific liars out there,” said Timothy Levine, Distinguished Professor and chair of the Department of Communication Studies in the UAB College of Arts and Sciences. “And I think this study showed that they are a real thing. There is that kind of top 1 percent who are telling more than 15 lies per day, day in day out.”

No surprise, narcissists tend to tell a lot of anti-social lies. Their motivations for lying abound:

  • To bolster self-esteem
  • To avoid shame
  • To impress others
  • To control others
  • To exploit others
  • To hurt others
  • An inability to bear the truth

Self-gain and self-promotion are often at the heart of a narcissist’s lies but not always. Sometimes they lie just because. I had a patient whose narcissistic partner would lie about what he ate for lunch. Attorney Rebecca Zung writes about what happens when you catch a narcissist in a lie. They will either deny, deflect, devalue, and/or dismiss you.

The Four D’s

Deny

  • “It wasn’t me.”
  • “I didn’t do that.”
  • “That’s not what happened.”

They will deny any and all of your allegations.

Deflect

  • “You did this.”
  • “This happened because someone else did this.”
  • “Someone else dropped the ball.”

They will deflect the blame onto someone else—including you.

Devalue

  • “This is your fault.”
  • “You are the problem.”
  • “You caused this.”
  • “Your past or mistakes caused this.”
  • “Your past solicited this.”
  • “I did this because of you.”

In addition to deflecting blame, they will devalue you and make you wish you had never confronted them. Devaluing is a huge part of the narcissistic relationship. When it comes to devaluing you, catching them in a lie will be no different than dealing with any other conflict.

Dismiss

  • “It doesn’t matter.”
  • “Can we just move on.”
  • “I don’t want to talk about this right now.”
  • “Just forget it.”

They will sweep everything that is important to you under the rug. Your feelings won’t be acknowledged or valued. They will do this in order to keep you under their control and to remain in the drivers seat.

Source: Getty Images

It’s not easy to spot a liar. Contrary to what detective shows tell us, there is little evidence that specific behaviors such as gaze aversion or fidgeting are indicators of dishonesty. Fortunately, there are some data-driven strategies to boost honesty:

  1. Ask the person to put their hand on their heart 🖐🫀
    According to a study this simple gesture prompts more truthful replies.
  2. Pour some coffee ☕️
    Caffeine helped sleep-deprived individuals resist unethical behavior.
  3. Moral mornings 🌅
    Self-control is at its height in the morning and is depleted throughout the course of the day. Studies show that people are less likely to cheat, lie, steal, or engage in unethical behavior early in the day. Keep this in mind next time you want to ask your partner an important question or scheduling a key business meeting. A power breakfast may be more revealing than a fancy dinner.
  4. Turn up the lights 💡
    People are more likely to lie and cheat in the dark. Researchers speculate it’s the sense of anonymity afforded in a darkly lit room.
  5. Tidy up 🧹
    People tend to cheat more in messy environments. The underlying theory is that a messy space functions as a metaphor for lax moral standards.
  6. Hang portraits 🖼👀
    Eyes and dot patterns that resemble eyes have been shown to positively influence behavior. When people believe they are being watched they are kinder, they cheat less and they are more generous.

Bottom Line: Lies can only be justified when the intent is to benefit another.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

You Can Stop Worrying About Finding Yourself

Ten years ago I was invited to give a talk at the American Psychiatric Association’s annual meeting. In those days, I wasn’t used to public speaking. Like many people, I dreaded the thought of standing behind a podium and giving a speech. Public speaking is pretty high on the list of most people’s top fears. In fact, according to surveys, fear of speaking in public—or glossophobia—is even higher than fear of death! As the ever observant Jerry Seinfeld mused:

“According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.”

The underlying concern is negative evaluation by others. Nobody wants to be laughed at or mocked or judged.

“Just go out there and be yourself,” suggested a well-meaning colleague. I smiled and thought, Well, that’s terrible advice. I was pretty certain that simply being myself would lead to me fainting at the podium or escaping through the back door. I didn’t need to be myself. What I needed was to be un-me.

An old friend told me about a patient who shared my performance anxiety and recommended a counterintuitive strategy. Before facing an audience, the patient would go into panic mode: “My heart starts racing, I feel like I can’t breathe, beads of sweat collect on my forehead, my hands are shaking, my palms are sweating, and I feel sick to my stomach.” One night he was watching a late-night talk show on which Bruce Springsteen was a guest. The host asked the Boss how it felt to go on stage and perform in front of twenty thousand people. Springsteen reportedly responded: “It’s the most incredible feeling. I feel my body kicking into high gear. My heart starts racing, I start breathing a little harder, my palms are sweating, my hands are shaking, I feel sweat on my brow and I have butterflies in my stomach. It’s a sign to me that my body is ready to rock.”

Both people’s physiological symptoms were strikingly similar—elevated heart rate, sweaty palms and forehead, rapid breathing—and yet their interpretations of them were radically different. The patient realized that his problem wasn’t performance anxiety, but rather his inability to get out of his own head. From then on whenever he had to speak in public, he thought of Bruce Springsteen. Channeling the Boss helped him be un-him.

I needed to do the same and pretend to be someone who spoke well and who was accustomed to being in the limelight. The answer for me at the time was obvious: Barbara Walters. The acclaimed anchorwoman had recently given a speech that I watched in awe. She was confident, self-assured, funny, and unflappable—everything that I needed to be. Plus, I had just read her book, Audition, an inspiring memoir about finding one’s voice despite the odds.

On each page of my speech, I wrote the initials “BW” to remind me to stay in character. I adopted her posture and imagined how she would look out from the podium and smile at the audience. I spoke slowly and with conviction.

The speech was a hit. Instead of escaping out the back door, I escaped the wave of insecurity that would have enveloped me had I been myself. Today, whenever I give a speech, I still scribble her initials on my notecards as a reminder.

There is evidence that looking forward beyond oneself and channeling someone whom you admire provides better guidance than stewing in your own emotions. A study of children highlights the benefits of not being yourself. A group of six-year-olds was asked to work on a repetitive task on a laptop but could take a break whenever they wanted to play games on an iPad. The iPad was placed right next to them. One group of children was told to think about their own thoughts and feelings. A second group was told to think about themselves in the third person. A third group was told to think about someone else who was really good at working hard and to pretend to be them. Batman, Rapunzel, Dora the Explorer, and Bob the Builder were possible choices. The iPad games proved to be a tempting distraction for all the kids, but the kids who pretended to be someone whom they admired persevered the hardest and staved off temptation the longest.

I am not suggesting you go out and buy a Batman costume—okay, maybe I am suggesting that—but this research has relevance for how we face challenges and hassles. Conjuring others, rather than looking exclusively for answers within or relying on what we already know, helps us transcend the limits we impose on ourselves.

Related research found that people demonstrated greater flexibility and were more successful at creative problem-solving when they imagined themselves to be eccentric poets. When people typically think about creativity, they assume it is a fixed trait, a talent people are either born with or not. But as this study highlights, to unlock creativity we may only need to get out of our own head and imagine ourselves in that of a creative individual.

Tapping into the capabilities of those who exemplify qualities we wish we possessed may, in fact, help us find them for ourselves.

Bottom Line: Sometimes it’s a good idea to be someone else, especially if it gets you closer to the version of yourself you would like to be.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman