5 Ways to Overcome Imposter Syndrome

If they only knew … I am a total fraud and everyone is about to find out.”

If you have ever felt this way, you are familiar with imposter syndrome — that gnawing feeling of self-doubt and incompetence coupled with the dread of being exposed as a fraud.

People with imposter syndrome feel inauthentic, question their ability to be successful and are convinced that they do not belong in the roles they hold, even when they experience success. Women are especially vulnerable to imposter syndrome, though I know a number of wildly successful men who suffer from it too. As a male patient once commented during a session: “When are they going to pull the curtain back and realize that I just got lucky?” He had just made partner at a highly competitive New York City law firm and was in his early forties. “Unworthy” was the adjective he used to describe himself.

There is evidence that men and women experience imposter syndrome differently — men who feel like imposters have more anxiety when they receive negative feedback and as a result, exert less effort, whereas women who feel like imposters do the opposite. Both live in constant fear of being “discovered” and, rather than proud or accomplished, feel undeserving of the recognition or respect they receive.

Source: UC Davis BioScope

Here are 5 ways to stop imposter syndrome in its tracks:

1 – Trust the process

Instead of listening to the negative voice in your head, listen to the feedback you get from others. Odds are, your boss isn’t “being nice” when she gives you an excellent evaluation or recommends you for a promotion. Other people tend to be more objective than we are with ourselves. As psychologist Adam Grant observed:

2 – Channel your inner Sherlock Holmes

When self-doubt creeps in, do some detective work. Gather evidence. Consider objective measures. Remind yourself of what you have accomplished. Think of someone’s life you have touched or someone else’s career you have positively impacted. Concrete examples will help you stop underestimating yourself and recognize that other people aren’t overestimating you.

3 – Look backwards

Imposter syndrome tends to kick in when we become hyper-focused on challenges that lie ahead. Instead of listening to the negatively skewed chatter in your head about what you cannot do in the future, consider the past. At a recent awards event, model and designer Gigi Hadid explained how she uses this technique to overcome self-doubt. “Now in the times where I feel like I have imposter syndrome I think back to learning from every season and tell myself ‘it will get better and you’ll be more proud of yourself.'” Hadid credits Tommy Hilfiger for helping her overcome imposter syndrome.

4 – Make a list

A technique that psychologist Suzanne Imes (who actually coined the term “imposter syndrome”) uses with her clients involves making a list with three columns: the first, of the things they’re not so good at; the second, of things they’re OK at; and the third with things they’re very good at. Reminders of accomplishments and connections will reduce self-doubt.

5 – Reframe it as a strength

Those with imposter syndrome are more likely to say “I don’t know” when they don’t know. This is an advantage. Overconfident people assume they have all the answers, even when they don’t. Humility, uncertainty, and self-doubt are part of the learning process. The key is to believe in your ability to learn.

I experienced imposter syndrome first hand when I graduated from medical school. As a young intern on the wards, I was convinced there had been a mistake. How on earth did they let me graduate and take care of sick people who needed a “real” doctor with far more experience. It took a few weeks and a wonderful chief resident to remind me that I was up to the task.

My secret weapon was a handwritten note a patient sent me after she had left the hospital, thanking me for taking good care of her. I kept the pale pink notecard in a pocket of my doctor’s coat for months. Whenever imposter syndrome reared its ugly head, I would reach for it. Over time, it frayed and crumpled and a coffee spill made some of the words illegible. But it didn’t matter. I had memorized them by then and just knowing it was there made all the difference.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

The Benefits of Meditating on Mortality

My mother-in-law loved music, art, and food. Her hearing was selective at the dinner table. If a guest dared to decline a dish, she ignored them. She would place the food in front of the person and say, “I am just going to leave it here. Just in case. You never know….”

She died last week at the age of 87. While expected, her passing was still a blow. My husband spent months preparing for it but to paraphrase Kathryn Schulz one’s unresponsive and dying parent is, in some extremely salient way, still alive. Imagining her gone is not the same as living in a world without her breathing in it.

Loss may not be something we can simulate but that doesn’t mean we should avoid thinking about it. There is evidence that reflecting on mortality — our own and others — can help us live our lives more fully. For the most part, we bend over backwards to veer away from discussions about the transitory nature of life. Discomfort with the topic coupled with endless distractions and a preference for lighter and upbeat subject matter sideline conversations about death. As psychologist Sheldon Solomon told The Atlantic’s Julie Beck, “Americans are arguably the best in the world at burying existential anxieties under a mound of French Fries.” Halloween is the only time of year we embrace death but that’s because it’s sugar-coated, literally. Edible ghosts and plastic skeletons don’t invite contemplation of our inevitable demise.

A study in Personality and Social Psychology Review found that when reminded of death people make better use of their time. They make healthier choices such as using more sunscreen, smoke less, and exercise more. Awareness of death can also motivate increased expressions of tolerance and empathy. People invest more time in their relationships and feel more grateful for each day when they are asked to consider their limited time on earth.

To make better use of our time and to crawl out from under the mound of French Fries, Harvard professor Arthur Brooks in a New York Times article suggests approaching each day as if you had one year left to live. If an activity doesn’t pass the “last-year test,” don’t do it:

If this year were your last, would you spend the next hour mindlessly checking your social media, or would you read something that uplifts you instead? Would you compose a snarky comment on this article, or use the time to call a friend to see how she is doing?

Living with the end in mind can help us make better choices today. As the oft quoted saying of dubious attribution goes, “I’ve never heard of anyone on their deathbed saying, ‘I wish I would have spent more time on Instagram.’

Contrary to what one might think, meditating on mortality doesn’t promote self-absorption or turn you into a Debbie Downer. In fact, there is evidence that being reminded of death facilitates creativity, open-mindedness and can even make you funnier. In the study, people primed to think about death created funnier cartoon captions than those who didn’t receive instructions to “Jot down, as specifically as you can, what you think will happen to you as you physically die and once you are physically dead.”

In his book The Four Things That Matter Most, palliative care physician Ira Byock writes about the four things that we say before we die or to someone we love who is going to die:

Please forgive me.

I forgive you.

Thank you.

I love you.

If these are the most important things we can say to one another, what are we waiting for? You never know…

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

The One Question Therapists Don’t Often Ask But Should

It takes a great deal of courage to make an appointment with a psychiatrist. Oftentimes there is a lag between obtaining a therapist’s number and making the call to set up an appointment. I can only imagine how many crumpled up pieces of paper with a psychiatrist’s name and phone number are buried in coat pockets and at the bottom of handbags representing a fleeting moment of intention.

People usually make an appointment to see a therapist during periods of change or transition — in between relationships, in between jobs, in between the known and the unknown. Turning points bring people to the threshold of a therapist’s office. The psychiatrist inquires about symptoms and tries to help them figure out ways to successfully navigate their way through this difficult time. “So, tell me, what is bothering you?” is a common icebreaker.


source: Leo Cullum


The focus is on what is going wrong in their lives. After all, that is what brings them in the door. It makes sense.

Or does it? A few years ago a patient, let’s call her Claire, made me question this approach. I had been seeing her for several weeks when she abruptly terminated treatment.

All we do is talk about the bad stuff in my life — what I worry about, what’s upsetting me. I sit in your office and complain for 45 minutes straight. Even if I am having a good day, coming here makes me think about all the negative things.

I never saw her again but her words stayed with me. They stung. She was right. All we did was talk about what was wrong. I had spent years studying damage, deficit and dysfunction in the human mind. It never occurred to me to focus on what was right.

Research suggests it might be time to turn this strategy on its head. Instead of focusing exclusively on repairing a patient’s negative thinking and behavior, therapists may want to consider spending some time building upon their patients’ strengths.

In a study, patients with depression were divided into two groups — half received a classic “deficit-based” treatment that was tailored to work on their weaknesses and symptoms. The other half participated in a strengths-based treatment that targeted the patient’s capabilities and the skills the patient was already good at.

The researchers found that deliberately capitalizing on an individual’s strengths outperforms treatment that focuses on an individual’s weaknesses. This challenges the assumption that we need to fix problems before focusing on anything else.

Today, instead of exclusively troubleshooting with my patients, I also look for bright spots. I inquire about what they are like at their best. I recommend the write down what went well at the end of each day. We explore their strengths and I ask them to use them in new ways. I ask them to consider how they might creatively use that strength to help them navigate their way through a challenging situation. I suggest they look for strengths in others. Thinking about what they admire in someone provides a shift in perspective. Rather than focusing on what they don’t like about the person or their negative qualities, they are reminded of what they appreciate.

We can all benefit from a similar shift in perspective. Catch your child doing something right today. Give a compliment to a friend. Congratulate a co-worker on a job well done. Thank a loved one for a gesture you take for granted. Focusing on what’s right in yourself and others may be just what the doctor ordered.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

A Blueprint for Managing Toxic Stress

Are you sad, worried or stressed? If you answered yes to any of the above, please know you are not alone. In 2021, four in 10 adults worldwide said they experienced a lot of worry (42%) or stress (41%), and more than one in four experienced sadness (28%) according to a Gallup survey.

Women are having the hardest time

In 2021, they were more stressed, worried, and sad than they were in 2020 — or at any point in the past decade. Stress and worry each increased by three percentage points within the span of a year, while sadness notably rose by six percentage points according to the Hologic Global Women’s Health Index.

What’s going on?

Women, particularly mothers, are still more likely than men to manage a more complex set of responsibilities on a daily basis — an often-unpredictable combination of unpaid domestic chores and paid professional work. So much is expected of women and this invisible labor takes an emotional toll.

Women have disproportionately shouldered the emotional burden of the pandemic as many families faced job insecurity, unstable housing, and interruptions to medical and childcare services.

The pandemic is not entirely to blame for the uptick in negative emotions. The negative trajectory has been trending for over a decade.

The mental and physical consequences of toxic stress

Living in a chronic fight or flight takes a toll. Ongoing stress can lead to or aggravate insomnia, family conflict, depression and anxiety. It is also linked with physical conditions such as hypertension, heart disease, obesity, and diabetes.

What can we do?

I have written a great deal in the past about individual strategies to boost positive emotions and combat stress. Spending time in nature, prioritizing sleep, eating a healthy diet, and building more movement into everyday life are all data-driven strategies to improve mental health. However, individual interventions are not enough.

If we want to tackle toxic stress, we need to zoom out and consider the bigger picture and zoom in to get to the root of the problem. Reducing stress levels is up to us as a society as a whole, not the responsibility of a single person. As Wharton Professor Adam Grant observed, “Burnout is not a problem in your head; it’s a problem in your circumstances.”

Grant suggests utilizing the Demand-Control-Support model to help manage toxic stress.

Demand

Make structural changes that lighten the load. If you are an employer, encourage breaks, honor downtime, weekends and family time, and respect work/life boundaries. Create Zoom-free days if your company is still working from home. Zoom fatigue is worse for women and can lead to “mirror anxiety.”

Control

When you can’t eliminate demands, you can at least give people the autonomy and skills they need to handle them. If possible, allow for flexibility. Encourage personal goal setting and the pursuit of individual interests. A Harvard Business School study found that engaging in learning activities can buffer workers from detrimental effects of stress including negative emotions and burnout.

Support

Cultivate a culture that makes it easy to request and receive help. As Dr. Elizabeth Fitelson, director of the women’s program in Columbia University’s psychiatry department, observed, “Focusing on improving the social supports for basic needs would have a far greater intervention than any specific mental health intervention.”

Other tools

Screening and access to treatment are essential tools to combat the extraordinary stress levels people are facing. A panel of experts now recommends doctors screen all patients under age 65 for anxiety. The intention is to help prevent mental health disorders from going undetected and untreated for years or even decades.

Bottom Line: Individual interventions can be helpful but culture and community are essential for building resilience and managing stress.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

Just Letting You Know … How We Underestimate People’s Desire for Constructive Feedback and What We Can Do About It 😉

If you were having a conversation with me and noticed I had a piece of spinach in my teeth, would you tell me? Be honest.

Unless you are a really good friend or one of my kids (who are always happy to point out rogue roughage) odds are you would not say a word. A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that only a handful of participants — fewer than 3% — informed a tester if they had food or lipstick on their face. An overwhelming majority kept their mouths shut.

Source: Journal of Personal and Social Psychology

Why do we often fail to tell someone something specific and actionable that they could do to improve their performance or learning or appearance? Fear of embarrassing the other person or upsetting them makes us reluctant to speak up. Concern about our own popularity might also factor into the decision to stay mum. Another reason that we don’t say anything, according to the study, is because we underestimate the other person’s desire for feedback. Most of the time, people are grateful for input and advice. Failing to provide it deprives them of an opportunity to make a change.

“People often have opportunities to provide others with constructive feedback that could be immediately helpful, whether that’s letting someone know of a typo in their presentation before a client presentation, or telling a job candidate about a stained shirt before an interview,” said lead author Nicole Abi-Esber, a doctoral candidate at Harvard Business School. “Overall, our research found that people consistently undermine others’ desire for feedback, which can have harmful results for would-be feedback recipients.”

There may not be many consequences for having spinach in your teeth but there are scenarios where receiving commentary and critique can make a meaningful difference. Feedback is critical for learning and growth. Without it, it’s harder to get better. As Bill Gates observed, “we all need people who give us feedback. That’s how we improve.”

I vividly recall a professor in medical school telling me I needed to work on my presentation skills. He gave me specific pointers: “Stop saying ‘like,’ slow down, ask the audience questions, look up from your notes now and then, stand up straight, and recap your argument at the end.” I am forever grateful for this thoughtful advice and input. Whenever I give a talk today, his words of wisdom are in the back of my mind.

Closing the feedback gap

Given that most people desire and benefit from feedback, what can we do to help potential feedback givers overcome their doubts about giving it? According to the study, a perspective-taking strategy increased the likelihood of someone speaking up. Simply asking, “If you were this person, would you want feedback?” helped participants recognize the value of feedback to the other person and helped close the giver-receiver gap.

Bottom Line: Even if you are hesitant to give feedback, think again. As Abi-Esber advises, “Take a second and imagine you’re in the other person’s shoes and ask yourself if you would want feedback if you were them.”

P.S. If you see spinach in my teeth, please let me know.

If you’re still nervous about giving feedback, read this.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman

The Benefits of “Non-Exercise” Exercise

If you are feeling stressed out, burned out, or worn out, making a small change in your daily routine might help you feel significantly better. According to a new study published in the Journal of Public Health, spending 30 minutes less on social media every and engaging in physical activity significantly boosts mental health. Participants who followed this advice for just two weeks felt happier, more satisfied, and less depressed than those who stick to their usual routine. Moreover, these effects lasted even six months after the study ended.
Source:
Experimental longitudinal evidence for causal role of social media use and physical activity in COVID-19 burden and mental health

Making the effort to move more and scroll less is especially good advice for active couch potatoes,
the scientific term for those of us who manage to squeeze in some exercise each day but spend the rest of the day sitting down. Despite the commitment to physical activity, active couch potatoes are at risk for a variety of health problems including high blood sugar, cholesterol, and body fat.

There is no doubt that taking time to workout is commendable and has well-established health benefits — the issue is what we do the rest of the day.

In 2012 I-Min Lee, an epidemiologist at Harvard University,
published a landmark paper in The Lancet showing that prolonged periods of inactivity kills more than 5 million people every year, making the health risks similar to smoking and obesity. Spending the majority of our time immersed in low-energy activities like watching TV, working at a computer, and scrolling through social media has adverse psychological effects too.

The good news is that just a little more movement in our daily lives can make a big difference.

There is a clear link between moving more and feeling good. Individuals who are more physically active are happier. Moreover, individuals are happier in the moments when they are physically active. A study entitled
Happy People Live More Active Lives published in PLOS ONE discovered that individuals who had been moving in the past fifteen minutes were in a better mood than when they had been reclining or sitting down. Of note, “non-exercise” physical activity i.e. non-rigorous exercise such as standing and walking contribute to both physical health and happiness. Putting one foot in front of the other can be enough to brighten your mood and even turn a bad day around.

There is no need to spend extra time at the gym or wake up earlier to jog that extra mile.
The key is to try and move just a little more.
  1. Add more non-exercise movement to each day

Schedule a casual stroll around the block at lunchtime. Meander down the hall at the end of each hour. Turn phone calls into walking opportunities. Getting off the bus a stop before your regular stop, using the stairs instead of the elevator, taking the dog for an extra loop around the block, parking a little further away from your destination, and going for a walk after dinner instead of collapsing on the couch are all small but effective ways to increase the amount of physical activity in your day. No need to break a sweat or put on sneakers.

  1. If you sit a lot, try to sit in “active resting” positions

Consider getting an inflatable ball for sitting at your desk. During leisure time, sit on the floor sometimes. If you cannot resist reclining, be sure to stand up regularly and stretch your legs.

  1. If you’re reading this sitting down, stand up, and take a walk

Bottom Line: Take advantage of every opportunity to move, even when you’re not in the mood. While you’re at it, put your phone away.

 

I wish you all the best,

Dr. Samantha Boardman