“I feel so scattered,” explained Ava. Like many people I know, my patient Ava was having a hard time focusing. “I open my phone to check the weather but then a notification pops up about some infuriating political news so I check X, and then open Instagram, and then I get a message from my mom but before I reply, my friend sends me a link to a celebrity scandal, and I quickly check the status of my Amazon order. By the time I finally put my phone down and try to get back to work, I realize I never got around to checking the weather. My attention is all over the place.”

What Ava is describing is “popcorn brain,” a term coined by David Levy, a researcher at the University of Washington, to describe a shortened attention span and the experience of overstimulation. Like popping corn kernels in a pot, attention jumps from one thought to the next. Popcorn brain is characterized by diminished focus, heightened stress, fatigue, information overload, attentional deficit issues, increased anxiety, and an overall detrimental impact on relationships and quality of life. Sound familiar?

The cognitive disarray caused by popcorn brain is exhausting and makes it hard to get anything done. Thankfully a study published in PNAS Nexus offers a simple solution: spend less time online. Researchers found that people who blocked internet access on their cellphones for just two weeks reported significant improvements in mood and ability to focus. Ninety one percent of people who tried the two-week detox said they felt meaningfully better. The study only restricted internet access on their phones, so participants were still able to text and make calls. If they wanted to read the news, online shop or check social media, they could from an iPad or laptop. In other words, they were not totally cut off from the internet, it just wasn’t in the palm of their hand. Constant connection has its costs.

We all know that eating well, getting enough sleep, and exercise is good for our health. A Cambridge University study published in the British Journal of Psychiatry highlights an arguably more fun way to give ourselves a boost: going out on the town. While I am not suggesting you become a club rat, there is evidence that a night out may be just what the doctor ordered.

Researchers examined data collected from 2000 British adults over age 50 over a 10 year period. After analyzing data on their health and lifestyle, a clear pattern emerged. When people go out to enjoy a movie, show, or museum on a regular basis, their chance of becoming depressed plummets. Just one outing every few months was enough to cut their risk of depression by 32 percent. Those who went out once a month or more cut their risk of depression by nearly half. Given how down people are these days, that’s saying something. While it is unclear what exactly it is about cultural engagement that protects against depression, it is likely a combination of factors including social interaction, mental creativity, cognitive stimulation, and the gentle physical activity of just getting there.

I recently attended a concert in NYC and truth be told, it was terrible. It was a band I had loved from the 90s but 30 years later they were a little tragic. That said, there was something fun about the experience. I looked forward to going beforehand, I loved being with my friends at the event, and we laughed later about how awful it was. The social component looms large. I cannot help but think that social connection is what makes cultural engagement so protective against depression.

Dr. Gregg Henriques of James Madison University has argued that depression is a state of behavioral shutdown. When a person is feeling low, their knee jerk response is often avoidance and withdrawal. This unlocks a downward spiral of critical thoughts and an inner battle leaving the person even more stressed, isolated, and depleted. The only way to counteract Shutdown Syndrome, Henriques argues, is to harness what he calls the “paradox of effort.” Put simply, override the impulse to avoid and withdraw and instead deliberately participate in activities that move you toward your values, that boost positive emotions, and that enhance connection.

Avoidance may feel like the most natural response in the world, especially when it’s 12 degrees outside and everything seems upside down but withdrawing will never pull you out of the cave. If anything, it will make it colder and darker. Think of cultural engagement as a way out of the cave and as an antidote to Shutdown Syndrome.

Override the temptation to retreat. Ignore the allure of another night at home in front of the television. Make plans with a friend to do something and stick to them. We are often told that what we feel shapes what we do. But it goes both ways. What we do also shapes how we feel. Choose activities that engage you and connect you to others.

A dose of awe

Last week I went to see Caspar David Friedrich: The Soul of Nature at the Metropolitan Museum. It took my breath away. His vision of landscape is at once meditative, mysterious, and full of wonder.

Here is his iconic painting Wanderer above the Sea of Fog. The title captures the mood of how pretty much everyone I know feels at this moment.

About this work, Friedrich wrote, “It reminds me how small I am, but also how miraculous this life is.”

“I don’t jump to conclusions. I leap to them,” explained my patient Ava. In many ways, Ava believed that being a pessimist served her well. She carried an umbrella on sunny days. She traveled with an extra phone in case hers was damaged or lost. She expected her favorite basketball team to always lose.

Anticipating a negative outcome protected her from disappointment or being caught off guard. Her pessimism was both personal and global. The universe didn’t have her back, nor did anyone else. “If you expect people to let you down, you won’t be upset when they do.” When things worked out, she was shocked. It was an exception to the rule. When things went badly, she felt a sense of relief. She admitted she relished “I told you so” moments. There was something satisfying about being right about everything going wrong.

But Ava’s pessimism also locked her into a doom loop of worst case scenarios that was impacting her work and private life. She recognized that catastrophizing was preventing her from coping more productively in everyday life but said she was allergic to all the “think positive” messaging. “Looking at the bright side hurts my eyes,” she declared.

I explained that the idea is not to replace negative thoughts with positive ones, but to be more realistic. The goal is accuracy, not toxic positivity. As Scott Peck once observed, “Mental Health is dedication to reality at all costs.”

Given that it feels like the world is slowly devolving into one big dumpster fire, being a pessimist might seem like the only option. War, the environment, and the imminent takeover of our lives by AI are among the many reasons to have a doomsday disposition but new research published in Frontiers in Psychology suggests a more effective way to respond when everything feels upside down.

Dr. Xiangyou “Sharon” Shen of Oregon State University and her colleagues studied the experience of over 500 adults during the COVID pandemic and found that those who were clear-eyed about the challenges they faced but who also deliberately generated positive experiences coped more actively and creatively. Those who focused on positive future possibilities while remaining realistic about current circumstances found creative substitutes for what was lost, viewed obstacles as opportunities for growth, and maintained a sense of control over their situation. Dr. Xiangyou calls this “lemonading.” Lemonading doesn’t mean you don’t take your situation seriously, but it can mean you cope with it better.

Here are three taglines you can use to build real time resilience and to help you get better at turning lemons into lemonade.

Whenever you have a counterproductive or pessimistic thought:

Consider an alternative explanation

The phrase A more accurate way of seeing this is… will help keep things in perspective.

For instance, if you’re thinking “I am so nervous. This presentation is going to be a total disaster” you can respond with, “A more accurate way of seeing this is I’ll probably sound a little nervous at the beginning but then I’ll relax and it will all be fine.”

Gather evidence that challenges an overly negative interpretation of a situation

Using the phrase That’s not true because… will help combat negativity bias and the default tendency to assume the worst.

If your thought is “my kids are so ungrateful” you can respond with “That’s not true because my son told me yesterday how much I helped him study for his test.”

Consider implications

The phrase A more likely outcome is… and I can… to deal with it will help you keep things real and also remind you that you have agency.

So if your negative thought is “I’m going to get fired and will never find another job I like” replace it with “A more likely outcome is my boss will be annoyed I didn’t get the job done on time and I can apologize and ask for help with projects I’m juggling.”

Bottom Line

Direct your spotlight toward possibilities for positive change and growth, illuminating a potential path forward even during dark times. Groundless pessimism will lock you into a doom loop of despair whereas evidence based optimism will ground you in reality.

Before January 1, please take a moment to ask yourself a few questions:

• What challenged me most this year?
• What did I learn from these challenges?
• What surprised me?
• What am I proud of?

Please stick to “What” questions because they invite curiosity and encourage openmindedness. Stay away from “Why” questions because they tend to promote criticism, regret, and rumination.

Remember, self-reflection is about learning not living in the past.

This is not a moment to beat yourself up or fixate on what could have and should have been. The point is to learn from the past so you can be more intentional about your future.

If pondering “What” questions is not your thing, please take a moment to read this classic poem by Linda Ellis. It’s a powerful reminder that how we spend our time matters.

The Dash

I read of a man who stood to speak at the funeral of a friend.

He referred to the dates on the tombstone from the beginning to the end.

He noted first came the date of the birth and spoke the following date with tears.

But he said what mattered most of all was the dash between the years.

For that dash represents all the time that they spent life on Earth.

And now only those who loved them know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not how much we own, the cars, the house, the cash.

What matters is how we live and love, and how we spend our dash.

So, think about this long and hard. Are there things you’d like to change?

For you never know how much time is left that can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough to consider what’s true and real,

and always try to understand the way other people feel.

Be less quick to anger and show appreciation more,

and love the people in our lives like we’ve never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect and more often wear a smile,

remembering that this special dash might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy is being read with your life’s actions to rehash,

would you be proud of the things they say about how you spent your dash?

—Linda Ellis

Reading this poem made me think about an essay entitled What is a Good Life? by legal and political philosopher Ronald Dworkin that was published in the New York Review of Books in 2011. He argued that our lives should not be valued by noteworthy outcomes, achievements, and accomplishments—in other words by our greatness. What really gives meaning to life is our goodness—the experiences, strivings, connections and stories.

He explained that assessing the success of this artistic endeavor should not focus solely on the outcome, the work of art in itself, or our achievements in life, but more importantly on the process that has led up to that outcome. In sum, life should be not valued on the outcomes, achievements or accomplishments. What really gives meaning to life is the personal experience and the inner stories.

He writes “The final value of our lives is adverbial, not adjectival—a matter of how we actually lived, not of a label applied to the final result.”

In other words, what matters is how we spend our dash.

Wishing you all the best for 2025.

I have a pet peeve. (Actually I have many pet peeves but will focus on just one for brevity’s sake.) It has become increasingly common to shorten the phrase “I love you” to “Love you.” Both in verbal and written communication, “love you” has hijacked the more labor intensive “I love you.” I suppose two syllables require less effort than three. Perhaps “Love you” is a little less cringy for a 13-year-old boy to hear his mom shout from the car when she drops him off at soccer practice than “I love you.”

According to the rules of basic grammar everyone learns in middle school, in the sentence “I love you” the “I” is the subjective pronoun, meaning it is the one doing the loving and the “you” is the objective pronoun, indicating the person who is loved. Dropping the “I” dilutes the verb. It says I care but not enough to take ownership of the action.

Eliminating the “I” makes it a little less personal but isn’t that the point of saying I love you? I cannot help but think that when we remove the “I” that we are also distancing ourselves from the sentiment. “Love you” is more casual but also less serious and heartfelt. It rolls off the tongue but I would argue that it also falls flat. Surely, hearing “I love you” from your partner or your friend means a lot more than the expedient “love you.” In my humble opinion, if you are going to say it, mean it.

Spell It Out

Along these lines, I was not surprised when I read a recent study that found that a sender who uses abbreviations in text messages is perceived to be less sincere and is also less likely to receive a reply than a sender who spells words out.

According to the researchers: “Texting abbreviations negatively affect interpersonal communication by decreasing perceived effort, which in turn leads to lower perceived sincerity and responsiveness.”

Writing “thx” instead of “thanks” leaves the impression that the sender cannot be bothered to communicate in a substantive way. Is writing those two extra letters really that time consuming and exhausting? The subtext of a heavily coded message is clear: I am too busy or too important to concern myself with such trivial matters. As the study highlights, if you want someone to show that you care and to receive a response, make the effort to write “Happy Birthday” instead of HBD.

LOL

In addition to communicating low effort, abbreviations can also lead to confusion. I heard a story about someone who used LOL assuming it meant “lots of love.” It was only after he sent a condolence text to a friend whose father had died and signed off with LOL that he learned it meant “laughing out loud.” Note to self: when in doubt, spell it out.

Not to be a hypocrite but I cannot help but think that the abbreviations below get a pass…

Happy Holidays to You and Yours (NOT HHTYAY)

Yes there is a lot to be stressed out about these days. Our collective bingo card of catastrophes and crises is full–climate change, the election, inflation, and the Middle East, to name a few. And that’s just the big bad stuff. Everyday hassles are a reservoir of anxiety and worry too–getting stuck in traffic, finding parking, standing in line, getting kids ready for school, going to the grocery store are among the microstressors that can feel pretty macro in the moment.

Molehills become mountains when we’re depleted. And what do most of us do when we feel strung out? We reach for our phones, naturally. The behavior is automatic. Whenever there is a hint of discomfort or downtime, we turn to our screens. No notifications necessary. Contrary to all that well meaning advice that we should turn off notifications if we want to spend less time on our phones, a study found that 89 percent of smartphone interactions are initiated by the user and only 11 percent are prompted by an alert. Instead of blaming the pings and vibrations, perhaps it’s time to take responsibility. Put simply, the issue is us, not our devices. As the one and only Taylor Swift sings, “It’s me, hi, I’m the problem it’s me.”

Our phones are basically an all-you-can-eat buffet for our brains. No wonder Shiri Melumad, an associate professor at Wharton, calls our devices “adult pacifiers.” In the same way that a child totes around a security blanket or stuffed animal to self-soothe, we seek comfort from our phones. But our devices may be less calming than we think. There is plenty of evidence showing that checking social media makes us feel badly about ourselves and we all know that doomscrolling is not exactly a recipe for joy. New research published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology found that scrolling through our phones actually increases boredom. Instead of pacifiers, they are more like exasperaters…

If we want to feel better, there are better options than reaching for our adult pacifiers. A recent analysis found that people who engaged in one of the following  “micro-acts” over the course of seven days experienced a 25% increase in emotional wellbeing:

Do something kind

Think of someone you care deeply about. What is one thing you could do to brighten their day?

Tune in to what matters

Consider your values. How do they manifest in your life?

Give thanks

Reflect on anyone or anything you are grateful for. What would your life be like without them?

Dwell in awe

Lose yourself in something bigger. Gaze at the stars. Watch the sunset. Find something that gives you goosebumps.

Celebrate another’s joy

Ask someone you know to tell you about a favorite moment in their life. What made it so special?

Shift your perspective

Recall a moment when you felt upset and frustrated. What did you learn from that experience?

In addition to reporting better emotional wellbeing, engaging in one of these micro-acts each day for a week generated a 23% increase in positive emotions and almost a third of participants reported feeling better about their relationships. What I found to be particularly interesting was how these small but meaningful actions made people feel more in control of their lives and emotions. After the seven days, participants were 27% more likely to agree with the statement “I have felt able to impact, influence, or play an active role in how happy I generally feel.” There was a 34% increase in agreement with the statement  “I am in control and on top of things.” Given how out of control life can feel, I thought this finding was especially noteworthy.  There is nothing empowering about scrolling through Instagram. As this research highlights, there is something empowering about deliberately adding uplifts to your everyday life.

“Part of this is intention setting,” explains Emiliana Simon-Thomas, science director of the Greater Good Science Center and leader of the project. “If you have a map to where you’re going to go, you’re much more likely to go there,” she says.

These micro-acts do not require a great deal of time or energy but what they do require is engagement. You must follow through. Thinking about uplifts won’t uplift you. The key is to practice and commit to them.