Take a moment and think about your right big toe.
Focus on it. Straighten it. Wiggle it.
Now ask: how does it feel? Snug in your sock? Slightly pinched in your shoe?
You likely hadn’t noticed it up until this moment unless of course you have gout or recently stubbed it. But now that you’re paying attention, your right big toe is taking up prime real estate in your mind and is impossible to ignore.
Attention is a spotlight
What seems like a psychological trick is actually a demonstration of how attention works. Our brains are amazing filtering machines, adept at cancelling out huge amounts of stimuli that would otherwise be too much to handle at once. It’s only when we shine a spotlight on something (in this case the big toe) that it enters awareness. And what we focus on determines what we experience. The more we concentrate on something, the larger it looms.
A study conducted at Stanford University’s School of Medicine asked participants to hold a thermal wand that gradually increased in heat to cause mild discomfort. The result? Those who distracted themselves, by thinking about someone they loved or played word games, reported significantly less pain than those who fixated on how their hand felt.
The same is true for our emotions. If you don’t focus on your anger, it’s hard to stay angry. If you don’t fixate on what’s bothering you, it’s hard to stay bothered. As William James famously wrote, “my experience is what I agree to attend to.”
There is nothing wrong with feeling your feelings. What I am concerned about is fixating on them. When we pay attention to difficult feelings, they usually grow rather than diminish. It’s like fertilizing a weed. And yet, this is exactly what we have been told to do if we want to improve our mental health. When you think about it, that’s exactly what some forms of therapy do.
A study conducted at Stanford University’s School of Medicine asked participants to hold a thermal wand that gradually increased in heat to cause mild discomfort. The result? Those who distracted themselves, by thinking about someone they loved or played word games, reported significantly less pain than those who fixated on how their hand felt.
The same is true for our emotions. If you don’t focus on your anger, it’s hard to stay angry. If you don’t fixate on what’s bothering you, it’s hard to stay bothered. As William James famously wrote, “my experience is what I agree to attend to.”
There is nothing wrong with feeling your feelings. What I am concerned about is fixating on them. When we pay attention to difficult feelings, they usually grow rather than diminish. It’s like fertilizing a weed. And yet, this is exactly what we have been told to do if we want to improve our mental health. When you think about it, that’s exactly what some forms of therapy do.
What mentally strong people do differently
In my experience, mentally strong people do not spend countless hours exploring and understanding themselves. They are not trying to “find” themselves. Alas, nobody I know has ever actually found themselves and in my humble opinion … that’s a good thing. It means we are all evolving.
Talking about what’s bothering you may be helpful at times but not if it allows you to back away from reality or to avoid taking action. As therapist David K. Reynolds said, “continued complaining only makes us skillful complainers.” The truth is you don’t need to understand your feelings to get on with your life.
I have found that the most well-adjusted people do two things:
1. They accept—instead of dwelling on—their feelings.
They recognize that feelings go away unless we feed them. They don’t deny or hide from their pain, they just don’t allow it to dictate their lives.
2. They do things.
Their behavior is purposeful and deliberate. They recognize that they cannot control what’s going on in their head but they can control what actions they take. They are responsible for their behaviors regardless of how they feel.
Feelings don’t excuse behavior
All too often we use our feelings as an excuse.
- “I can’t ask for what I want because I’m anxious.”
- “I raised my voice because I was angry.”
- “I didn’t listen because I was distracted.”
The word “because” is not a defense, nor is it an explanation. Plain and simple: It’s a rationalization. Not asking for what one wants, raising one’s voice, and not listening are all choices. We have become emotional gluttons, overly relying on our emotions to guide us. There is nothing wrong with feeling your feelings, just don’t give them the microphone.
Bottom Line:
Don’t endure unpleasant circumstances that can be changed by action. Feelings are for feeling. Not for explaining, for justifying, or for acting out.
I wish you all the best,
Dr. Samantha Boardman
